Where do you stand?

Witnessing this moment in our country's history I osculate between horror and hope.  

Story after story of systemic racism breaks my heart daily.

Peaceful protests - arms linked in solidarity fill me with hope.

People I love and respect defending and justifying violence disgusts me. 

People I love and respect pledging to protect and support our marginalized brothers and sisters inspires me. 

Speeches that vomit hatred for another in the name of religion are vile. 

Actions of love, respect and service to another need no public declaration - God is there. 

I lose faith in humanity when I see someone being treated less than human. 

The resilience of the human spirit gives me strength and courage to keep extending my hand in service. 

The roots of hatred are so deep. It's overwhelming. 

It feels like we're digging up the roots of an ancient oak tree with a plastic beach shovel. 

But the mighty oak tree started as infinite potential stored in a tiny acorn.  

In this moment, we hold in our hands the same infinite potential for love and mutual respect. 

Like the tiny acorn, we are right now buried in darkness. We must allow ourselves to soften, be broken open, and continue to reach for light. 

Witnessing this moment in our country's history begs the question....What side of history do you want to be on?   Are you contributing to the horror or the hope?  How does your choice feel? 

The man with the conch shell

I recently ran into a man that I had met only once a couple of years ago.  I greeted him with "it's nice to see you again."  To which he replied "it's nice to be seen."   That simple statement "it's nice to be seen." has been rolling around in my head for a couple of weeks now.  It reminded me of Mrs. Greene, the principle at the elementary school.

Mrs. Greene and I didn't always see eye to eye when Tayler was at Overlook but the year Jake started I had a change of heart.  It was Mrs. Greene who introduced me, and the whole school, to an African word, "Ubantu".   Ubantu, she explained, was a way to say I see you.  You are because I am.  It is a reminder of our shared humanity.   When children are acting out  they are seeking attention.  When Mrs. Greene would notice students not getting along she would say "Ubantu" to remind the children of the Ubantu philosophy:  I see you.  You and I are one.  She felt that if the children felt "seen" they would have less reason to act out. 

I've spent most of my life hiding.  Doing my best to blend into the background.  I choose the spot in the back of the room always.   I cringe when the Facebook notification says "someone has tagged you in a photo" And yet, there is an innate need to be seen.  

"It's nice to be seen" 

It is this innate need to be seen that causes some people to be boastful.  To be honest, I mentally slap people who act like Peacocks displaying their feathers.  I'm not proud of it but it's true.  I have no tolerance for people that constantly want to be the center of attention.  I want to scream at them: 

"YOU ARE NOT THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE!!" I hear myself thinking "Get over yourself'" when someone is trying hard to impress me with how wonderful they are and how much they have accomplished. Then I beat myself up for being so mean.  I tell myself that it's the green eyed monster of jealousy that is making me feel so irritated.   

In a moment of clarity I recognize myself in those peacocks.  I remember our shared humanity, Ubantu.  I remember that the same innate human desire to be seen is in me and in you.  How we express this desire may be different but it comes from the same place.  

It's nice to be seen but I have no control over what others see in me.  Instead, I will focus on making an effort to be more present with others so that I may SEE beyond the ego personality.   Who ARE we beyond our ego personality?  Can I see that within myself? Can I see it in others?  What does it feel like to really be seen?   

Ubantu... I see you.  I'm grateful to the man with the conch shell who reminded me "It's nice to be seen." 

Being human is hard

I'm feeling the inspiration to write and share my thoughts for the first time in months.  I want to speak my truth.  I want to express myself freely and authentically.  My old friend, self-doubt, whispers in my ear ... "remember what happened that time you spoke your mind?"   

It's been my experience that whenever I speak the truth in my heart  people get mad at me.  Years ago an astrologer told me that I need to take public speaking classes.  He told me it's my dharma to speak the word of God.   I laughed.  How can I speak the word of God to others when no one listens to me? How do I know if what I feel compelled to speak is the word of God or just my ego? 

My old friend, self-doubt, whispers in my ear...."why would anyone care to listen?"  "What could you possible contribute?"  "What could you say that hasn't already been said by someone else better?" 

I'm feeling the inspiration to write and share my thoughts for the first time in months.  At the same time, My old friend, self-doubt whispers in my ear... "Aren't there enough people mad at you already?" 

I've had this recurring dream for years now.   The details change but the essence of the dream is always the same.  I find myself in a crowded place like the mall,  sports event, or even the bank. I become aware that some sort of violence about to take place.  I'm the only one who notices. I try to warn people but no one is paying attention.  No one is listening.  I try frantically to get people's attention without getting myself killed.  At times it seems like I have to choose between protecting myself or protecting others.  I'm trying to protect others without bringing any attention to myself.

In the dream, and in my life it seems, when I feel strongly compelled to say something that I know to be my authentic truth I am faced with that same decision.  Do I speak up in an effort to protect others when I know that ultimately, it may hurt me?  I can't really explain it.  At times, the feeling that I need to say something is so strong.  The feeling is persistent.  It's like being in that dream knowing that if I don't speak up someone is going to get hurt.   That's the only way I can explain it.   The thing is that in the waking state the danger isn't so obvious. That's what makes it harder to decide if what I'm feeling compelled to share is worth the risk.  

It's late, I'm not making any sense.  Tonight, it doesn't feel like what I have to say is worth the risk. Instead of  sharing the rant that hijacked my mind the last couple of  days I'll leave you with a few questions to ponder.

*  Is enlightenment for sale? 

*  What are the qualifications to call yourself a master? 

*  Can you buy healing? 

*  Why is there a price tag on sangha? 

*  With so many "masters" and "healers" in yoga-land why is the world still so fucked up? 

*  Will we repair our  moral compass or are we destined for complete self-destruction? 

Being human is hard.  I'm trying to feel compassion for people who are doing things that make me want to smack them.   I remind myself that being human is hard for all of us.  We're all fighting demons, we're all trying to "win" at this game called life.   What makes the game so hard is that it seems we all have different rules.  Imagine playing the game Life but using  Monopoly pieces and the rules from Twister.  

Om Namah Shivaya

If you want to go East just don't go West.

There is no greater friend in the world than our will

 and there is no greater enemy in the world than our will. 

For the past week or so I've been reading a book by Eknath Easwaran called Essence of the Upanishads, A key to Indian Spirituality.  Have I mentioned how much I love Easwaran's work?
The simplicity with which he delivers the ancient yoga teachings is what makes his work so powerful.

Often times, as I stand at a crossroad of my life I experience fear, self-doubt, confusion.  Life becomes overwhelming.  During those times, even the simplest tasks feel monumental.  The Upanishads have been my road map when I'm lost.

Our greatest weapon against stress is our ability

 to choose one thought over another.

One of the simple, yet profound quotes from Easwaran's book is "If you want to go East just don't go West."  It really is that simple.  My teacher, Shiva Das, used to tell me "Just do the next right thing in each moment."   It really is that simple.   We give attention to those things in our life that we want to grow.  I want more mental clarity and peace of mind.  How I achieve those states of being is to make them a priority.   Will drinking alcohol or eating Doritos bring me closer to my goal of mental clarity and peace of mind? or take me further away?  It's that simple. 

When our will is our friend, the choices are easy.  When our will is our enemy making healthy choices is a much more difficult task.  The key to achieving the life we want lies in the strength of our will.  That's the good news.   According to Easwaran, the will can be strengthened by exercising it.  

As I continue to practice making friends with my will I have found some useful tips. 

* Keep it simple

Remember, if you want to go East just don't go West.  Are my actions and thoughts taking me closer to my goal or further away? 

* Hold space

Allowing a bit of space between the experience/challenge and the response/reaction helps me make conscious choices instead of reacting from impulse.   When a building collapses we need to wait for the dust to clear before we can assess the damage and before we can rebuild we need to clear the debris.  The same holds true for any trauma.  First, let the dust settle, assess where the work needs to be done.  Clear the debris before you rebuild.  Constructing a new building over the ruins of the old one will not provide the stability needed to withstand the next storm. 

*Be honest with yourself 

Avoiding the truth will always come back and bite you in the ass.  Hiding, numbing, avoiding only prolongs your suffering. "You have to feel it to heal it".   Don't hang pretty wallpaper to cover up the crumbing wall.  Easwaran explains it like embroidering the seat belts in the car but not taking care of the engine. 

*That which you give your attention to grows stronger in your life

Nothing grows unless you give it your attention.  No matter how much I love this beautiful Gardenia plant if I put it in the corner and ignore it there's no doubt that it will die.   The more I give my attention to finding beauty the more beauty I see.  The more attention I give to seeing God's Grace the more I feel supported.  The more attention I give to those people and things that bring me joy the more joy I experience.  

*Take action

We can pretend to be a victim of our circumstances or we can take our power back.  I imagine it like a sailboat.  We can set out on our little sailboat and allow the winds to push and pull us here and there and we can sit back and play victim when we don't reach our destination  or we can lift the sails and adjust them as needed.  That way the winds of our life will be the energy we need to direct our little boat towards our destination.  There will always be storms. Whether we use them as fuel for our spiritual evolution or we allow them to get us stuck in the mud is up to us.  The choice is ours. 

It's really that simple. Ultimately, every time we engage our will and make the choice that takes us towards our goal, no matter how small the step is, we are strengthening our will.   When our will is our friend we will surely reach our goal. 

Om Namah Shivaya! 

Deconstruction in progress

Letting go of delusion is painful.  It feels like my skin is being ripped off inch by inch.  The pain is searing and I fear that I won't survive.  The "me" I thought I was will most definitely not survive.  It would be impossible to survive the deconstruction that is happening.

I fear the pain, I fear what it will be like to move through life in such a raw and vulnerable state.  I fear how others will react.  I fear the validation of my beliefs.  I fear that there's no end to the delusion.  I wonder if the saying is true.  Is the evil you know better than the evil you don't know?

If my strength and self-sufficiency have been a delusion does that mean that my perceived flaws are also a delusion?  There is just as much possibility that what's beyond the delusion is liberating and wonderful as there is that it will be scary and horrible. Is it possible that feeling empty is a blessing?

I find myself resisting my practice. I'm resisting because it is the very thing that's causing the delusion to fall apart.  The delusion has been my means of protection.  Without it I'm exposed.  I'm standing naked in the middle of my life.  Vulnerability is scary.  Who will protect me?

Om Hreem Shreem Dum Durgaya Namaha     

Since I was nine years old I have played the role of mother and protector.  In reality I was just a child in need of mothering and protection.   The delusion of strength and self-sufficiency was necessary and served me well for many years.  Sadly, though, it has also become a hindrance.   I've worn the delusion for so long that I began to believe it was my own skin rather than a suite of amour that can be removed when the battle was over. 

I was reminded yesterday that the reason I feel vulnerable, alone, and without protection is because I have forgotten the presence  of God.  It is the hand of God that is systematically removing the delusion.  It is no longer needed.  The suit of amour is no longer necessary when I remember the presence of God.  

Yes, it is painful.  Like the pain of surgery when the doctor has to cut away disease so that the patient can heal and be whole again.  When God is the surgeon what is there to fear? 

Sometimes I struggle.

Sometimes I struggle....

It's hard to understand God's master plan. 

It's all perfect the yoga teacher says.

Today the perfection is hidden behind the struggles

like the sun hidden behind the clouds. 

Sometimes I struggle....

The shadow emotions hit me like a tidal wave. 

The wind gets knocked out of me. 

Dear God... I'm trying to have faith.

I try to remember your Grace that flows so abundantly some days.

Today is just one moment. 

Tomorrow another. 

Sometimes I struggle....

I am not the general contractor of the universe

that position is already filled.

Arrogance is behind my desire for life to be different than what it is.

After all how can I presume to know better than God how things should be. 

Sometimes I struggle....

I want to fight against the injustice and injury. 

I want to cry at the sadness. 

My tears wash away the ego that clouds my inner vision.

It's all in God's hands.  

Sometimes I struggle...

Then I remember the power behind it all.

"Know him to be enshrined in your heart always.

Truly there is nothing more in life to know.

Meditate and realize this world

is filled with the presence of God." 

(Shvetashvatara Upanishad) 

The other side of the mat

For years I've been attending the early morning yoga retreat week that happens at the change of each season.  For the last couple of years it's been the only time I get to practice with my favorite yoga teacher.  So when my favorite yoga teacher asked if I would lead the spring retreat week I was both disappointed (that I wouldn't get to practice with him) and at the same time incredibly honored and excited to lead it. The anxiety and nerves came later. 

As a student participating in the retreat  I have had first hand experience of it's profound nature. I wasn't, however, prepared for the profound revelation I would experience from the other side of the mat.  

Today is day 3 so the focus of the practice is the heart center.  I was nervous about setting the intention for our practice today.  The struggles with the heart center have been plentiful so it took quite a bit of introspection to try to find words that would inspire a yoga practice.  It reminded me of how inadequate words are. Nevertheless, together, the group shared their thoughts and ideas related to the Anahata Chakra (the heart center). Somehow, through the joint effort of the group, inspiration

was created. 

As I was leading the group through the asana practice I was experiencing a very powerful inner revelation! An intense moment of clarity that I was not prepared for.  I was, after all, in the middle of leading a practice!!  "God, can you hold please?"  "This is really not a good time for me to get distracted!!"  Still, the message persisted.  

What choice did I have but to flow with the message...Open your heart to receive love. 

Whether from yourself or someone else.  Be open to receive.  

My mind quickly races in with reasons why I can't do that.  Why it's not safe to open your heart. 

The mind is such a powerful persuader.  Opening our hearts puts us in a very vulnerable position. 

I would venture to say that feeling vulnerable because of previous hurts is a fairly common experience and it is a convincing argument to keep the heart closed.  Especially if, like me you have 

the false belief that you can still give love without fulling opening your heart.  Sort of like "selective numbing". 

The more disturbing reason my mind came up with is that I'm not worthy of receiving love.  When one of the students was sharing this morning she talked about negative self talk.  I suggested that she ask herself is any of it is true.  I suppose I should start there myself.   My initial response is to try to figure out why I have this belief.  Where did it come from?  How long have I carried this belief? How has it impacted me?  And, of course, who's to blame? 

Instead, today I will simply recognize it as a false belief that does not serve me and release it.  It's a burden I suspect I've carried for lifetimes.  It's too heavy to carry anymore.  

I am worthy of receiving love and I will continue to open my heart to receive it.  When I feel myself closing down I will gently remind myself that I am worthy.  Combining this new practice of opening to receive love seems to go hand in hand with my practice of accepting only what is being offered freely.  Being receptive rather than reaching will be the theme.

I'm remembering something I read in David Frawley's book about Soma.  It said something like the sun represents our striving towards God and the moon represents the Grace of God flowing towards us.  Maybe the moon practices that I've been doing were preparing me for this revelation. 

From Darkness to Light

From darkness to light

Woke up during the night with a nagging sense of lack. 

I got out of my warm, comfy bed when the nagging feeling persisted.  

Walking into the kitchen, where I prepared our dinner earlier,

With the flick of the switch I have light.

Turning on the faucet I fill a glass with clean drinking water. 

"You're not doing a good job", "You need to do more", "What if 

there isn't enough?"  

The nagging, persistent thoughts continue. 

Before going back to my warm, comfy bed I check on the kids.

My healthy children are tucked into their warm comfy beds,

 sleeping soundly. 

As I crawl back under the warm, clean blanket on my warm comfy bed

I listen to the furnace working hard to heat the home where my healthy,

happy family is fast asleep in their own beds under their own warm

blankets with their bellies full of the meal we shared together.  

I try my best to get back to sleep. 

 Pushing away the nagging thoughts only makes them stronger.  

Then I remember the mantra... My saving Grace. 

In between the mantra and the thoughts of lack there's Grace.

It's there, in the Grace, that I heard the whispers of the Divine.

" It is the mind that frees us or enslaves..." 

It's the mind that senses lack 

It's in the heart that Love resides. 

Change the focus from the mind to the heart

A shift in perspective happens

The sense lack shifts to an enormous sense of gratitude. 

Gratitude for the what I do have.  Gratitude for my teachers that have 

pointed me in the direction of my heart and taught me the tools I need to

see and feel the guidance and Grace of the Divine 

I drift off to sleep in my warm, comfy bed with a shift in perspective. 

Finding my way home

I've been trying and trying to post for weeks.  Something always prevented me.  Interestingly, I have a recurring dream in which I'm trying and trying to get home but something is always preventing me.

In the dream it's weird stuff like the sidewalk moves, the solid ground beneath my feet turns to quicksand. Doors won't open.  In real life, the things that have been preventing me have been equally weird, 

One of those weird things is having difficulty finding words to adequately express what I want to express.  In my dream I keep trying to get back home, no matter what the obstacle, no matter how exhausted I am.  I'm going to take that as a lesson that even though I'm having difficulty finding words I will  keep trying.  So.... Here goes.

You see my life has been turned upside down over the past year.  The difficulties, obstacles,  challenges, whatever you want to call them, are  being thrown at me faster and with more force than ever before.  There isn't even time to catch my breath before the next one comes.  That's not the strange part, that's just life sometimes. 

The strange part is that with each chaotic, traumatic event, I have noticed a small part of me that isn't freaking out.  This small part of me is witnessing the events of my life in a state of awe.  The witness can look at each trauma and see the beauty in the destruction.  The witness isn't wearing the glasses of past experience nor the glasses of emotions.  From the view point of the witness, vision is crystal clear.  

Each challenge is an opportunity to change and grow.  Every destructive experience offers an opportunity to rebuild something stronger and more durable.  Each storm offers a clearing away of things that have served their purpose which allows the space needed for new growth.  

I'm not suggesting that trauma and destruction do not come with a significant amount of pain.  I'd be lying if I told you that my heart hasn't felt the searing pain of trauma.  I'd be lying if I told you that my ego hasn't been gripped by fear at the destruction.  What I'm telling you is that there is a small part of me that is in a state of calm awareness.  A part of me that is beyond my heart and beyond my ego. This part of me is in awe.  In awe of the beauty  that lies beyond the trauma and destruction.  In awe of the beauty that is infinite possibilities.  

At this point in my evolutionary process I have only gotten glimpses of this small part of me that is the witness.  The glimpses are enough to reassure me of the existence of the witness.  The glimpses are enough to reassure me that the experiences of my life, no matter how painful, serve some higher purpose than what the heart and ego can understand.   The glimpses are enough to encourage me to keep trying and trying to get back home.  Back home to my true nature.  Which I have come to understand is that small, calm place within my Self where I can witness the events of my life from a state of awe.  

I trust in the Divine Will.  Regardless of how weird the circumstance of my life are and how difficult it is to catch my breath sometimes, I will keep trying to get back home. 

Om Namaha Shivaya! 

The fish knows

The fish knows

He understands

what it feels like to be me

The fish knows that without 

water he cannot be

The fish knows what it feels like

to be out of his element and gasping for air

I know

The fish is just like me

I know what it feels like to be out of my element 

and gasping for air

I know that without sadhana I cannot be

I and the fish are one and the same

we must be insane

thinking we'll survive out our element and

gasping for air

Now back to your bowl little fish

enough of this struggling to breath

The water is waiting to welcome you home 

I too must return to my sadhana

where the Divine Mother is waiting to welcome

me home 

I have something to say!

Listen up people of yoga-land. I have an important announcement to make. I am not now, and never have been interested in competition. I have never played competitive sports. Hell, I don't even like board games. It feels odd that I have to make such a declaration but unfortunately, even in yoga-land people are still people.

The fact of the matter is that yoga is a spiritual practice for me. It's not a job, it's not a career, and it most certainly is not a competition. Whatever it is that I do I give 100%. Not because I want to be better than anyone else but because that's just the way I do things. That applies to my yoga practice.

Each time I have the privilege, and it is a privilege, to lead a class I give 100% whether one person or 25 people show up. I give 100% not because I want to be better than the other teachers at the studio. I give 100% because I feel each person who chooses to share their time with me deserves it. The most important thing I've learned in my role as "teacher" is that teaching is fluid and alive. Leading a class is just as much a learning experience as it is a teaching experience. 

I don't have time to worry about what my peers are doing in their classes because I'm too busy paying attention to what's happening in my own class. When I'm sitting on the teacher's seat I always acknowledge, with gratitude, my own teachers. That includes each and every person who has chosen to roll out their yoga mats in front of me. I acknowledge, with gratitude, that I am only God's instrument. I teach in service to God. Therefore, I give 100% of myself. This is not a competition, it is a spiritual practice.

I feel inspired to share my spiritual practices with others so I lead a "workshop". The topics I choose to offer as workshops are inspired by my own personal practice. I am not looking at what others teachers are doing and then presenting their ideas as my own.  Whatever it is I choose to offer is an offering of my heart. Everything I do is an offering to God. Therefore, I give 100% of myself. This is not a competition, it is a spiritual practice.

My personal mission statement is to teach every class with the following intention:
* an open heart
* gratitude
* humility
* reverence
* integrity
* open to learning

I pledge to live my life authentically. That means that I offer 100% of myself in everything I do because that's just who I am. I will not make excuses or apologize for that. I have no time to compete with my peers because in each day I am striving to do better than I did yesterday. I have no time for competition because I am too busy living my own life fully to worry about what other people are doing.

I will leave you with this powerful quote from the Bhagavad Gita that I have adopted as my motto:

"It is better to do your own duty, however lacking in merit, than to do that of another, even though efficiently. It is better to die doing one's own duty, for to do the duty of another is fraught with danger."

Live your own life fully and stop trying to live someone else's.....

My Daughter the yogi

Photo credit to Tayler Nicholson

It's official, my dear Tayler, you are a yogi. The fact that you are aware that "it's the thoughts that kill you" means that you are advanced in the study of yoga. In the language of the Upanishads..."It is the mind that frees us or enslaves". You are on your way to true freedom dear daughter.

I wouldn't dream of interfering with your journey to self-realization. I know that each journey is unique and beautiful; filled with just enough twists and turns to keep it exciting. I am your mother, though, and I do want to share some pearls of wisdom that may help you along your way. I have found these words to be beacons of light for me when I was lost in the dark.


* It is the nature of the mind to think. So give it something good to think about.

* That which you put your attention on grows stronger in your life. Choose wisely.

* Our greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another. Choose the higher thought.

* Change your thoughts, you change your life.

* You are not your thoughts.

* Yoga/Meditation is stilling the fluctuations of the mind.


"It is the mind that frees us or enslaves. Driven by the senses we become bound; Master of the senses we become free. Those who seek freedom must master their senses.

When the mind is detached from the senses one reaches the summit of consciousness. Mastery of the mind leads to wisdom. Practice meditation. Stop all vain talk. The highest state is beyond reach of thought, for it lies beyond all duality.

Keep repeating the ancient mantram OM until it reverberates in your heart." ~Amritabindu Upanishad

It's still love

This may come as a surprise to you but I tend to obsess about things. What I obsess most about are my children. I worry constantly about every decision I make and how it's affecting them. Am I doing enough for them? Am I doing too much? Should I baby them more or should I make them more independent. I sometimes listen to other moms talking and I worry because I don't do the things they do for their kids. My kids are pretty independent. Most times I feel good about that. Until I start to worry that they are going to grow up feeling like I didn't take care of them enough. My friend, YogaLu, told me once that I shouldn't worry so much because everyone ends up in therapy anyway and I'm just giving them more to talk about. That just made me worry about what their future therapist is going to think of me.

My boy is mad at me. He thinks I don't love him because I won't give him McDonald's for dinner. I tell him that it's because I do love him that I don't feed him fast food. He tells me I don't love him because I won't buy him another pair of KD sneakers. I tell him that it's because I love him that I want him to learn to appreciate that he has all that he needs. He tells me that I'm mean and don't love him because I insist that he take a shower or at least wash his face and hands. I tell him that it's because I love him that I want him to have clean hands when he's eating. (I'll pretend not to notice that he's eating with his hands as long as they are clean.)

When they are sick or sad and I pull them onto my lap to hug and kiss them they know I love them. When I scold them for running into the street, or not doing their school work, or being mean to their siblings they don't recognize that it's love too. When I have to say no to them they don't see the pain in my own heart caused by the disappointment on their faces. It's still love. Nothing in the world hurts more than when my children are mad at me. I would die for them without a moments hesitation and when they tell me that I don't love them my heart aches. It's still love.

Since my days in Catholic school I have always held the image of the Divine Mother as being soft, loving, kind and supportive. That's love. Last week we went to see some new puppies. Their mother was freaking out. Barking and growling and ready to chase us out the door. She was fiercely protecting her babies. It's still love.

Our Divine Mother provides us with exactly what we need. Sometimes it comes in the soft flow of her Grace that embraces us when we are feeling lost or scared. Other times it comes in the form of a Divine smack-down when we are making choices that move us further away from Her. It's still love.

When we are experiencing life as harsh and unloving I do believe it's love too. It's the love of the Divine Mother asking us to look at how we are not loving ourselves and others. Sometimes children need the loving embrace and sweet kisses of their mother. Other times they need the "wooden spoon". (my Italian family and friends will get this reference) It's still love.

I love my children to the moon and back that's why sometimes they don't like me. It's still love. The Divine Mother loves us to the moon and back that's why sometimes I don't get what I want. It's still love.

Renewal of Self

I posed this question on Facebook last week: "What does feminine power mean to you?" I loved all your comments. Each one was so insightful and thoughtful. I'd like to explore one idea in particular that resonated so deeply with me. A woman's power comes
from her ability to choose collaboration vs competition.

Collaboration is the reason why I felt so passionately about holding the New Moon Gatherings. Collaboration is where the real power lies. Collaboration is the energy I associate with the Goddess, Durga. For those of you who haven't heard my interpretation of the Durga story let me share it with you. (Disclaimer: this is not a scholarly interpretation, simply my amateur attempt)

So the story goes... There was an evil demon that was terrorizing the 3 worlds. All the Gods tried to defeat the demon but they all failed. All the Gods came together for what I imagine to be like a superhero conference to try to come up with a solution to the problem of this evil demon. They meditated together and from this place of deep meditation they decided to each offer up their own individual, unique "superpower" into the fire. Out of this culmination manifested Durga. She was easily able to defeat the demon. The real power came from the collaboration of all the Gods.

If the Gods are willing to collaborate why aren't we?

Imagine the power that could be generated if we all put aside our ego and offered our own individual, unique talents, aka: superpowers into the fire. Together, all of us, working for the greater good. Collaboration is only possible when each person works together towards the same goal. If there is even the slightest bit of competition, collaboration is impossible. Are you willing to put aside your ego for the greater good? If not, what's holding your back?

If you're up for the challenge let's hold our own "superhero conference". Let's join our energy together in sadhana (spiritual practice). There's no doubt that the power of group practice is strong enough to elevate the vibration of this entire planet. The evil demon we are all fighting is the ego. I've been told this is the time for the "Renewal of Self". It's time for us all to come back to the Self. The way back to the Self is through meditation. In the Self we connect to the source of infinite power.

Here's the challenge if you wish to contribute your energy:

The bhavana (intention) Renewal of the Self
The practice: 6 rounds of Surya Namaskar - The Sun burns away all that is not our true self
6 rounds of Chandra Namaskar - The moon washes away the ashes, leaving behind only what is real
Mantra: 108X - Om Namaha Shivaya - Shiva being the God of destruction. Destruction in that it is destroying everything that stands in the way of us seeing what is real. It is a mantra for transformation. Are you ready?

40 day sadhana begins tomorrow. Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions. I hope you will not only join me in sadhana but also that you will collaborate by sharing your thoughts and experience with all of us by leaving a comment.

Hari Om!!

Christmas prayer

Here we are, December 4th, the holiday madness is in full swing. The old patterns of thinking try to creep back into our consciousness. The constant Christmas music
trying to convince us that this is "the most wonderful time of the year". The constant TV commercials trying to convince us that our families will love us more if we buy
them this thing or that. Everywhere you look there is propaganda showing beautifully decorated homes filled with happy, smiling families sitting down to a feast.

For years and years I tried to live up to this vision of what Christmas should look like. All the while fighting the underlying feelings of inadequacy. Year and after year there was always the feeling that next year will be better. Next year everything will be perfect. But year after year the feelings of anxiety and depression clouded this "most wonderful time of the year".

This year, however, is different. No, I haven't won the lottery, Martha Stewart has not decorated my home or cooked me a feast. This year is different because I am consciously applying the lessons I've learned from my yoga practice. After all, isn't that the point, to live your yoga? Yes.... Yes it is.

My Christmas gift to you this year is a prayer...

* I pray that you remember that you have all that you need.
* I pray that you remember that you are loved and needed.
* I pray that you remember that things do not define you and will not fulfill you.
* I pray that you remember to savor each moment of your life.
* I pray that you remember to see beauty in everything.
* I pray that you remember that all you need to turn a meal into a feast is gratitude.
* I pray that you remember to be fully present with the family and friends you are sharing time with.
* I pray that you remember to shift the focus of your attention from what is lacking to the many blessings you have right now.
* I pray that you remember to fill your heart and home gratitude and love instead of things and sadness.

Ed McMann and Martha Stewart are not coming for Christmas this year but God is. Remember to see God in everyone always. That way, it's always "the most wonderful time of the year".

Rainbow colored glasses

What's the deal with turtle neck sweaters with no sleeves?? If it's cold enough to wear a turtle neck sweater you would think you'd want sleeves right?? I feel the same about 3/4 length sleeves... Shirts should come in short sleeves or long sleeves.. Anything in between just seems indecisive to me.

This is the way my mind works... Things are very black or white, right or wrong, yes or no. You are either here or there. I either like it or not. Things are working or they're not. There's no in between in my mind. I prefer people be direct and to the point. I don't want to have to guess. Are you coming or going? Do you like me or not? I say what I mean, I mean what I say and I believe everyone should do the same.

I honestly feel that life is so much easier when things are clear cut. Organization, rules, and categories reduce chaos and therefore make things easier. Unfortunately, I haven't had much luck in convincing the rest of the universe to think like me.

I do admit that on more than a few occasions I've been reminded that there are all sort of varying shades of gray, including a full rainbow of colors. I am finally, slowly starting to see the light. Perhaps it's true that some experiences simply don't fit neatly into a category. Sometimes experiences that bring us pleasure end up causing us pain in the end. Sometimes experiences that cause us pain eventually bring us to pleasure.

Today I'm wearing rainbow colored glasses and I'm acknowledging that God's Grace has no limits. It is only my ego that sees life in black and white. I know I am not my ego. We are so much more than our mind can even imagine. I see now that in my effort to define myself and others I am limiting myself and others. I will do my best to continue to wear these rainbow colored glasses so that I can enjoy experiencing the infinite possibilities of life unfolding in full color.

But I still don't understand turtle neck sweaters without sleeves...

Feeling uncomfortable

When emotions come up during meditation we're told to recognize them, feel them and then let them go. The search to learn the method for letting them go has
been my primary focus. Today I realized that my eagerness to find the way to let go is driven by my desire to bypass the 'feel them' step.

I'm not comfortable with emotions. Which is ironic considering the fact that I am extremely emotional.

The question is always, what do I do with the emotions? Only today did it occur to me that maybe the answer is to feel them. Mostly I prefer avoidance. Especially when it comes to emotions that I have labeled 'unyogic'.

I've tried ignoring emotions. Staying so busy all the time. Doing everything for everyone. Always with a smile. All the while hoping that if I ignored what I was feeling long enough that the emotions would simply disappear.

I've tried numbing the emotions with cupcakes and cosmos. Only that lead to a vicious cycle that only caused more negative emotions.

I haven't figured out how to let go of them because letting go cannot happen until I have acknowledged the emotions, AND experienced the feeling of the emotion.

I'd like to believe that maybe the letting go will happen organically when I learn to be comfortable with whatever emotion comes up. Good or bad, regardless of how uncomfortable it is.

Sitting with peace and joy in our heart when the emotions are pleasant is the easy part. The challenge is experiencing peace and joy while sitting with some uncomfortable emotions. That seems to be the practice to focus on.

It is uncomfortable to sit with the emotions of grief, sadness, disappointment, or anger. These are normal human emotions yet we don't want to experience them. When someone is sad we want to make them happy. When someone is grieving we don't know what to do. Maybe there are important lessons for us in those emotions that we so desperately want to move past. Maybe sitting and feeling whatever it is that we're feeling is exactly what we're suppose to be doing. Maybe it's in the learning to be comfortable with ourselves in the mist of un-comfortable emotions is the practice.

Even more uncomfortable than sitting with our own emotions is having to sit with someone else's emotions. We tend to internalize other people's emotions.
Sometimes feeling responsible, somehow, for other people's emotional well being. When someone we love is upset with us we want to DO something to change how they are feeling. As if we have some control over the emotions of others.

I'm finally seeing that until I have some mastery over my own internal process there's no point in me expending energy in trying to figure out or change someone else's.

Feel what you feel even when it hurts and give thanks to God for the lessons those feelings are teaching you even when you don't know what the lesson is.

OM NAMAHA SHIVAYA!

My guru, Jake

So last week at dinner my son, Jake (who's 10yrs old), was telling his sister's boyfriend about meditation. He said "At night, before bed, I chant the mantra to the moon my mom gave me and it gives me a great night sleep." How fabulous is that?!

This is the same kid who was teaching the other kids at daycare yoga postures. One day, when he was 4 yrs old, I showed up at the daycare after work. The teacher stopped me at the door. She told me that he had all the kids sitting in a circle and he was in the middle teaching them how to do yoga.

Why am telling you these stories? Well, mostly because I'm a proud momma but also because I have come to learn a very valuable lesson from Jake. It's most effective to lead by example. What's more important than what you say is how you live. The important thing to remember is that there's no better teacher than experience.

Jake didn't need me to tell him that using mantra would give him a great night sleep. He tried it and he discovered for himself the effects of using the mantra. Now he knows it to be true for himself.

He is a regular kid, he gets fresh and cranky and makes me crazy but sometimes there are little glimpses of the incredibly wonderful yogi he's going to be. Jake's advise to Tayler's boyfriend... "You should try it"

Perhaps you'd like to try it for yourself too. Make a commitment to sit for meditation for 20 minutes every day. Chant a mantra. I'm using the Gayatri mantra. You can use the mantra to the moon Jake is using, OM SOM SOMAYA NAMAHA. Chose one and stick to it for at least 30 days.

(If you are interested in formal meditation instruction I can certainly help you with that. Send me an email with your contact info. At mirelnichols@aol.com)

Try it and see if you too have a great night sleep. There is no better teacher than experience.

The sun will come out tomorrow...

It's been challenging to find the time to post regularly. In addition to the regular craziness of my life I'm currently in the middle of a year long Ayurveda Lifestyle consoler program. I'm loving every minute of the course and wish that I had more time to devote to it. I honestly feel like the information is life changing. Hopefully once I earn my certificate I'll be sharing more about Ayurveda but for now I have something else I'd like to talk about.

There's 2 things rattling around in my brain that are most pressing. Let's see if I can combine them into something that makes sense.....

Last week-end I had the privilege of offering a workshop on the moon salutation. Afterwards, I felt like I wasn't clear enough about the idea of setting intentions. What I want to say is that setting an intention isn't simply setting it and forgetting about it. When we make the commitment to do a 30 or 40 day sadhana we are committing to actively working on the intention we set for ourselves.

Let's say that our intention is to not get stuck in our emotions. The intention is set, planting the seeds for what we want to grow, then each day when we do our sadhana (spiritual practice) we reaffirm the intention. As we go about the business of our lives we water the seeds of our intention by being conscious and noticing when a strong emotion comes up. With the intention fresh in our mind from our morning practice we can chose to either let ourselves get stuck in our emotions or we can chose to recognize how fleeting they are and let them go.

Each time we make the conscious choice to reaffirm our intention by our actions we are feeding the seeds and our intention gets stronger. The stronger our little seedlings get, the more beautifully they will flower. Like our gardens, the seeds we plant with our intentions need to be tended to in order for them to bear fruit.

The example I used of not getting stuck in our emotions is the second thing I wanted to talk about. A classmate of my daughter's killed himself last week. It breaks my heart to think that this young boy felt such despair that killing himself was the only solution he could think of. How sad that he couldn't see past his current state of emotions to the fact that he had his whole life filled with endless possibilities ahead of him.

No matter how desperate our situation seems in any given moment we must remember that it's temporary. I'm remembering the story of the little hungry caterpillar. "Just when the little caterpillar thought his life was over he turned into a beautiful butterfly."

This tragic event reaffirms for me my intention of fostering community. No one should ever feel so alone and desperate that suicide seems like the only option. Asking for support is not a sign of weakness... in fact it takes great strength and courage. It's also important that we pay attention and be present in our interactions with others. Maybe the text message asking if you want to go grab a beer is actually someone reaching out for support. Don't be too busy to offer some support, even if it's only a quick phone call.

So when you are planting your seeds of intention be sure to plant seeds which will bear fruit that can be used to feed and nourish others as well as yourself.

Om Shanti Om!

Durga Ma give me strength.....

"All that evil needs to succeed is for good people to stand by and do nothing"

The last few weeks have been particularly intense. There has been a tremendous amount of harshness. I've hesitated writing because my emotions have been pretty raw and I have been accused of being hurtful and unloving at times when I speak my mind. I've been questioning the value of speaking my mind.

After much self-reflection, and examining the role of my ego in regards to recent events, I can honestly say that my motivation for calling people out on their appalling behavior is coming from a genuine desire to protect people from getting hurt.

Over and over I'm told that I need to be accepting and forgiving of others. Over and over I'm told that love is the only answer. Durga's love is the answer we need right now. Durga is a fierce warrior Goddess. She is also fiercely protective. I very much feel that intense Durga energy.

"All that evil needs to succeed is for good people to stand by and do nothing."

Admittedly, I'm no expert in Hindu mythology but I have read and heard many stories over the years. The stories tell us how the Gods and Goddesses had to stand up and fight the righteous fight and destroy the demons that were terrorizing the people.

My fear is that the good people have this misconception that they must learn to love and accept evil. 

Here's the thing.  At least as I see it.

Whether we want to accept it or not, some people are evil.  There are people in this world that want to do harm to others.  Yes, I do believe that God is in everyone and yes, I do believe everyone needs love.  However, that doesn't mean that good people need to invite evil into our homes.  That sure as hell doesn't mean that we should give evil any position of authority or leadership.

Good people need to engage their inner Durga Ma and stand up and fight for those who are unable or unwilling to fight for themselves.   A long time ago, a teacher told me that Durga creates a protective shield around you and fights for you until you are strong enough to stand up for yourself and fight the righteous fight along side of her.

I have a strong connection to Durga Ma....I'm ready to stand alongside of her to protect the people I love and care about.  I used to worry that my fierce protective nature goes against the teachings of yoga but then I remembered a quote that David Newman shared with our ytt class...

"You can kick someone out of your home, just not out of your heart"

I can still feel compassion for the evil people as they clearly don't see their own Divinity but that doesn't mean I want to invite them to lunch and that doesn't mean I'm going to stand by and watch them bully and terrorize people.  Doing nothing is no longer an option.  Recoginze that by our inaction we are playing a part in the success of the evil people's actions.  



Om Hrim Shrim Dum Durgayai Namaha!!!