Those long days were so hard. On a daily basis I would think to myself
"damn women's lib!!" All it did was make my life harder.
I was expected to work full-time AND raise children, AND keep house, AND
volunteer at the kids’ school, AND be a good wife, friend, daughter. On a
daily basis I felt like I was juggling balls of fire and more often than not,
dropping a few. Most nights I'd go bed with that nagging feeling in my
gut that I was failing. The photos tell a different story.
Life in those days was a three-ring circus but we did have fun. It's
always fun at the circus. My kids grew up with chickens, and dogs, and
parrots, and cats. They always had lots of family around and
friends. We had great adventures and created all sorts of fun
crafts. The house was filled with Disney movies, and singing and lots of
playing pretend with baby dolls, super heroes and Legos. There were books,
crayons and markers everywhere and an almost constant sound of
basketballs. Riding bikes and climbing trees, trick-or-treating and sleep
overs.
There were also tears, and yelling; lots of yelling. Let's not forget the
fighting. "She's looking at me!!!" was a very common
exclamation at our circus. I missed the memo about the bake sale at
school so I was the mom with the donut holes from the 7-Elven but I wasn't the
only mom. I forgot to wash the sleeping bag for daycare.... but I
wasn't the only mom. We were late to school; I was late to work.
There was an incident with a winter coat that landed ME in the principal’s
office and eventually to the counselor's office. (You can read about that
on my post titled "My lowest motherhood moment").
As my kids got older, the circus changed but there was still juggling.
There was still fun and fighting, laughter and tears. Did I ever tell you
about the time that my 12yr old fired the babysitter? Yes, you read that
correctly. I'm not sure what I was more shocked about; the fact that my
12yr old fired the babysitter or the fact that the babysitter listened to her
and went home. We are quite a cast of characters.
In those days, I would "go to Yoga" on Wednesday nights.
Most weeks I felt like I was holding my breath until Wednesday when I could breathe.
I would rush home from work, pick up the kids from after care and bring them
home. I'd give them a quick dinner and rush to yoga. It was 1 hour,
once a week that was just for me. I didn't feel guilty about it at
all. Until, that is, parent-teacher conference with Tayler's kindergarten
teacher. That's when Mrs. Baker informed me that she felt I wasn't
giving Tayler enough attention. She came to that conclusion because
Tayler told her that I don't study her alphabet with her. You see,
I was so good at studying that Tayler didn't realize our nightly game of
alphabet bingo was actually studying. When you have children, you live in
constant fear about what is going to come out of their mouths. If you
ever need a good laugh, volunteer to be the class room mom in
kindergarten.
There's no doubt in my mind that Yoga made me a better mother. Not
only did yoga/meditation give me the tools I needed to stay calm and present
but I believe that the benefits of my practice had a ripple effect on the
children. I remember one day; my son was having a meltdown. It had
been a rough day for all of us. I could total relate to how he was
feeling because I too was on the verge of a meltdown. Instead, I sat on
the floor next to him. He screamed.... I practiced the Ujjayi
breath. The louder he screamed, the louder I'd make the breath
sound. In between his screams he would look at me; curious. Slowly, he
began to match the rhythm of my breath. Eventually, he crawled into my
lap. We both felt better after that.
I remember daydreaming about the day I would have more time to
practice. I used to daydream about going to yoga retreats and immersing
myself in the "Yoga lifestyle". I so badly wanted to go
to India. I was convinced that I would never truly be a yogi if I
didn't go to India. I wasted so much time thinking that when my children
grow up, I'll be able to "fulfill my dharma".
As the saying goes, the days are long but the years are short.
I've been studying and practicing for 27yrs. I never did make it to
India. I've never gone on a yoga retreat. I did however manage to
take nearly 2,000 hours of yoga teacher training. I've been blessed with
many incredible yoga adventures. I've met tons of amazing people along
this yoga journey.
I turned 50 this past August. My children are all grown. No more
chauffeuring kids, no more cheering from the bleachers, no more parent-teacher
conferences. I have more time. This mid-life space is a really
interesting space to be in. I have more time to do all the things I've
always dreamt about doing only to find that those things don't seem important
anymore. Looking through the photos, I realized that I've been
living my dharma all along. Raising kind, caring, compassionate, creative
children is the most important practice in the world. Fulfilling my
duties as a householder was how I honored God every day.
