The swami laughed

In my never ending search for "enlightenment" I have had many interesting adventures.  Once, I went with my friend Cristina to a meditation group at some random person's house which neither of us knew.  Turned out that it was a Buddhist prayer group.  Another time I found myself in a small room over a motorcycle shop which said "meditation" on the door. When I walked in a man was there with his back to me.  I took off my shoes and waited for him to greet me.  That time I awkwardly backed out of the room forgetting my shoes.  Oh, and then there was this time that I found myself sitting in a gorgeous backyard on the Main Line where I listened to a swami give a talk about making time for God in your life.  That adventure gave me some really powerful insights and advice that I still go back to often. 

This morning I was thinking about the time I went to the mind, body, spirit expo.  It was a long time ago.  The large room was filled with all sorts of "new age" gurus claiming to heal my mind, body and spirit.  It felt a lot like a new age circus.  There was someone claiming to correct your vision if you wore these strange glasses and another vendor selling these copper contraptions with crystals on them that you put on your head (I have no idea what that was suppose to heal).  There was a lady that was taking pictures of your aura with a Polaroid!  Table after table of merchandise for sale.  Everything from flavored oxygen to yoga-kickboxing DVDs  were just waiting for us lost souls to open our wallets.  

As I wandered around the noisy room I noticed a man sitting alone at a table.  The only other thing on the table, besides his folded hands, was a bowl.  It was an ordinary bowl sitting in front of an ordinary man.  I was curious about what was in the bowl and what the quiet man was doing in this circus.   He didn't seem to care much about whether or not anyone would come to his table.  No one did.... expect me.   

I walked over and said hello expecting that he would begin his sales pitch.  He didn't.   I asked "what's in the bowl?".  He didn't care much for answering questions.  "put your hand in it and feel what's in it."  My curiosity was stronger then my sense of caution so I put my hand in the bowl.  Do you want to guess what was in it?  A mixture of grains, seeds, and corn.  The kind that you might feed to birds.  "what do you feel?" he asked.  I don't remember my answer but thinking back now I'm guessing it was the wrong one because he didn't say much else except that he told me to take a handful and share a little bit of the mixture with random people.  I still remember my co-worker, Ellen's reaction.  Needless to say that it didn't change her mind about the fact that she thinks I'm nuts! 

I have no idea why I was thinking about the expo experience this morning.  Perhaps it's because it feels like my life is a circus right now.  I'm a clown juggling hoops of fire while standing on the back of a lion and trying to sell peanuts to pay the mortgage at the same time.  Or maybe it's because my mind, body, and spirit are needing some quiet time. 

The Main Line swami said "If you have time to tweet, you have to meditate!".   It makes me giggle every time I think about a swami that lives in a cave in the Himalayas talking about tweeting.  Truth be told I think that's  when I learned what tweeting even was! 

Anyway. adventures in yoga-land are so fun and amusing and sometimes a bit scary but the real adventures takes place in the still, quiet space of meditation.  

I just remembered about the swami that came to yoga-land and gave a talk.  I was sure he was going to give us the ancient yogic secrets to reach enlightenment!  That time.... he laughed and laughed.... "all these practices you all do to reach enlightenment are just ONE GREAT BIG U TURN BACK TO  YOU!!" and he laughed and laughed while I scratched my head.  

The moral of the story is that what you seek cannot be found externally.  Not at the table of the expo vendors, not in a Main Line backyard, not in a small room above the motorcycle shop.  Meditation is the U turn  that takes you back to your true nature which is ultimately the only place you'll find what your mind, body, and spirit need to heal. 

Om Namaha Shivaya.  

A hawk's message

All of a sudden, I find myself in a situation that I really thought I'd finally broken free of.  What the hell just happened?  Who hit the rewind button??  I'm dizzy from the sudden plunge back into the 

bat-shit crazy that I thought was behind me.  For just a split second I lose my footing and slip back into fear.  

I re-group; catch my breath; forward is the only option. 

It always shocks me how quickly fear takes hold.  Like a noose around my neck making it hard to breath.  From fear comes worry.  I start to pace the floor.  My mind is racing.  Why?  Why is this happening again?   I did all the right things to prevent this.  I took the necessary steps to move forward.  Why am I back here? 

From worry comes self-doubt. Maybe I made a mistake.  Maybe there's still more to learn from this experience. Maybe there's still karma I need to work out. Maybe I'm just meant to suffer.  Maybe a calm, peaceful existence isn't in the cards for me.  Maybe this is my penance for deeds done in a previous lifetime. 

I re-group; catch my breath; forward is the only option.  

The other day I was stopped at a light and noticed right above my windshield on a wire was a huge hawk.  He's beautiful and just sitting looking back at me.  He didn't fly away.  I wondered why he was sitting there when he could be flying some other place more beautiful than this busy little road.   Later that night my son told me he also saw the hawk.  

While I was re-grouping and catching my breath I started to think about the hawk's message.  Whenever I see these beautiful creatures I take it as a reminder to try to look at things from a higher perspective.  To clear my mind I decided that since the universe hit the rewind button I'd follow her lead and do the same.   I went to Shiva Das' yoga class.  

Shiva Das was telling the class about the upcoming yoga teacher training program.  I thought back to when I signed up for the program more than 10 years ago.  I was a totally different person.  I can say that without a doubt the program changed the course of my life completely.  

After class I slept soundly for the first time in days.  I woke up this morning with the higher perspective I was searching for.  Perhaps, the sudden plunge into the bat-shit crazy was the universe showing me just how far I've come.  

Maybe, just maybe, it was not about me doing anything wrong or needing to learn more but an opportunity to recognize how much stronger I am now.  The higher perspective I've been contemplating all day is that this experience was a clear reminder that I am NOT the same person I was 10 years ago.  I can see more clearly now.  I know who I am now.   With the solid ground of sadhana beneath my feet I may lose my footing for a split second but I won't fall over the edge. 

I re-grouped; caught my breath; found my footing again.... forward is the only option and forward looks really beautiful from this higher perspective.

Thank you Shiva Das and thank you beautiful hawk for the reminder!  When bat-shit crazy comes to visit you don't have to invite it to dinner.