bat-shit crazy that I thought was behind me. For just a split second I lose my footing and slip back into fear.
I re-group; catch my breath; forward is the only option.
It always shocks me how quickly fear takes hold. Like a noose around my neck making it hard to breath. From fear comes worry. I start to pace the floor. My mind is racing. Why? Why is this happening again? I did all the right things to prevent this. I took the necessary steps to move forward. Why am I back here?
From worry comes self-doubt. Maybe I made a mistake. Maybe there's still more to learn from this experience. Maybe there's still karma I need to work out. Maybe I'm just meant to suffer. Maybe a calm, peaceful existence isn't in the cards for me. Maybe this is my penance for deeds done in a previous lifetime.
I re-group; catch my breath; forward is the only option.
The other day I was stopped at a light and noticed right above my windshield on a wire was a huge hawk. He's beautiful and just sitting looking back at me. He didn't fly away. I wondered why he was sitting there when he could be flying some other place more beautiful than this busy little road. Later that night my son told me he also saw the hawk.
While I was re-grouping and catching my breath I started to think about the hawk's message. Whenever I see these beautiful creatures I take it as a reminder to try to look at things from a higher perspective. To clear my mind I decided that since the universe hit the rewind button I'd follow her lead and do the same. I went to Shiva Das' yoga class.
Shiva Das was telling the class about the upcoming yoga teacher training program. I thought back to when I signed up for the program more than 10 years ago. I was a totally different person. I can say that without a doubt the program changed the course of my life completely.
After class I slept soundly for the first time in days. I woke up this morning with the higher perspective I was searching for. Perhaps, the sudden plunge into the bat-shit crazy was the universe showing me just how far I've come.
Maybe, just maybe, it was not about me doing anything wrong or needing to learn more but an opportunity to recognize how much stronger I am now. The higher perspective I've been contemplating all day is that this experience was a clear reminder that I am NOT the same person I was 10 years ago. I can see more clearly now. I know who I am now. With the solid ground of sadhana beneath my feet I may lose my footing for a split second but I won't fall over the edge.
I re-grouped; caught my breath; found my footing again.... forward is the only option and forward looks really beautiful from this higher perspective.
Thank you Shiva Das and thank you beautiful hawk for the reminder! When bat-shit crazy comes to visit you don't have to invite it to dinner.
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