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Showing posts from April, 2016

The End...

I officially filed the divorce papers last week.  It was surprisingly simple.  I showed up at the courthouse, signed my name and paid a fee.  It's done?  Is that it?  The end of a 25 year marriage over with a signature and $330.  Seemed so strange. Almost anti-climatic.  As I drove home I wondered why there wasn't some sort of ceremony for divorce.  What's an appropriate reaction? Congratulations?  My condolences?  

The past 2 years, since the separation, have been a roller coaster of emotions. I was surprised that when I left the courthouse the only emotion I felt was relief.  I have spent 2 years grieving.  It's strange though.  When a loved one dies, there's a funeral.  Your family and friends come to support you as you say your good-byes.  The grieving is expected.   The emotions I felt at the end of my marriage were much the same.  Once the anger, resentment, and fear passed what was left was grief.  I didn't expect that.  What was even more difficult was …

My new friend, Saraswati

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I should begin by saying that I have not done any sadhana to Saraswati.  At least not yet.  I've always heard that she is the Goddess of music, art, dance.  I've always thought that only musicians or artists did sadhana to Saraswati.  I was wrong.  She is inspiration itself,  pure consciousness.

The story goes that in the beginning Brahma, the creator, asked "How do I bring order to this chaos?"
Saraswati answered "With knowledge.  Knowledge helps man find possibilities where once he saw problems."  What I didn't know is that Saraswati is the Goddess of knowledge.  "She is the river of consciousness that enlivens creation."

That story struck home for me because my life has felt like complete and total chaos for the last couple of years.  I recently went to talk to a counselor who basically said the same thing to me.  Her advice was "Knowledge is power." She set me on track to find the information that I needed to bring order to the c…

Lakshmi

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Om Shrim maha Lakshmyai namah

The Goddess Lakshmi represents abundance, wealth, good fortune, beauty, love, fertility and all the sweetness in life.  
When I began my Lakshmi sadhana the intention was to attract enough cash flow to help me make ends meet.  Praying for abundance or wealth always felt greedy.  So I prayed for just enough.  At the beginning I didn't think attracting beauty into my life was worthwhile.  After all, I needed cash not beauty.  But... the way to honor or attract Lakshmi's attention and blessing is with beauty so I embarked on a beautiful adventure. 
I set up an alter in my bedroom. I covered the dresser with a shimmery Gold cloth.  I found a lovely, delicate lotus flower shaped candle holder that is a pale pink color.  The radiant glow of the candle holder when the candle is lit is perfect.  I offer her beautiful flowers, I offer her a beautiful mala hand made for me by a woman who embodies Lakshmi's beauty.  
My rituals include beautifying my env…

Jai Durga Ma

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Let me preface by reminding you that I am not a Vedic scholar.  I am a spiritual seeker sharing my own personal experiences and thoughts.   My intention for this post is to share my experience with the Goddess, Durga.

First, I want to tell you the story of how I came to know Durga.  During my yoga teacher training program one of the guest teachers, Bonnie Pariser, asked me a few questions about some lower back pain I was feeling.  "Do you know Durga?" she asked me.  When I told her I didn't she told me that Durga creates a protective shield around you and fights the righteous fight for you until you are strong enough to fight along side her. I had not yet made the connection between emotional and physical pain so I didn't understand what she was telling me.

It wasn't until a year or so later that I remembered what Bonnie had said.  I was reading my friend, Susan Bertolino's blog one day and I noticed a beautiful image on the side bar.  I asked her about it an…

What do I have to offer?

What do I have to offer?? This is the thought that has hijacked my mind for weeks and weeks.  What do I have to offer? Authenticity, vulnerablity and a heaping helping of "I don't know!". That's what I have to offer. I'm learning to be ok in the not knowing. I'm ok with admitting that I don't have all the answers. I'm not an expert. Some days, it takes everything in me to just get my ass out of bed.  Some days I show up at my desk and look down to notice I'm wearing  two different shoes or that my shirt is on inside out.   I make mistakes.  I get angry, I get depressed.  I get overwhelmed.  What do I have to offer?  Some days I say "What the fuck!!!"  47 times before lunch.  Some days I eat French fries for dinner.  Sometimes I have a perfectly good lesson plan ready but half way through the class I get distracted and forget what I had planned.  What do I have to offer?  Most days I spend the whole day counting the minutes until I ca…