Moon magic

About 10 years ago my teacher asked me if I would represent our yoga studio at a women’s
conference.  My first thought upon hearing this request was “what do I know about being a woman?”.
That was a huge wake up call for me.  I had completely lost my connection to myself. At that time in
my life I was struggling in a very dysfunctional/abusive marriage.   I was working full time, teaching
yoga, trying to raise a family and run a household. The only way I could survive was to shut myself
off from my emotions. I fulfilled all my responsibilities. I worked very hard at maintaining the illusion
that I was strong and capable but on the inside, I was broken into a million little pieces.  I didn’t even
recognize myself.

I’m grateful for the strong solar energy in my nature that gave me the strength I needed to take care
of my family but something was missing.   

As I furthered my study of yoga and Ayurveda I learned the axiom, Like increases like and opposites
cure.  A Vedic astrologer once told me that the sun is the strongest planet in my chart.

In an effort to find balance I asked my Ayurveda teacher, Ed Zadlo, for guidance.  He suggested that
I start chanting the moon mantra:

Om Som Somaya Namaha.

During Ayurveda class I was reminded of the moon salutation that I learned years earlier as a way to
pacify the fiery nature of Pitta.  I decided to do some research. I wanted to learn all I could about the
moon salutation. I was disappointed that I could not find ANY information about the moon salutation
that I had learned from a teacher named, Betheyla Anuradha.

After 20 years of studying yoga I had come to know that direct experience was the best teacher.

So, I embarked on an adventure.  Beginning on a new moon, each night I would flow through
11 rounds of Betheyla’s moon salutation and then chanted 108x the moon mantra.  This “new moon
sadhana” (spiritual practice) continued every night until the following new moon.

Each evening as I flowed through the sequence repeating the mantra mentally with each breath the
moon began to reveal her lessons.  Each evening as I flowed through the sequence with the mantra
repeating itself in my mind I began to find my way back to myself.

At the end of the month long sadhana I decided to lead a new moon sadhana workshop and share
what I learned with others.  Watching the students as they moved through the sequence was so
powerful. I cannot find the words to adequately describe what I witnessed.  The sequence was new
to the students so the first few rounds the students were very much in their head. Their movements
were a little awkward.  BUT…..that moment, when they got out of their head and they began to flow
smoothly through each movement with the flow of their breath was magical!

The feedback from the students after that first class was overwhelming.  Everyone was as moved by
the practice as I was. I knew that I had to offer the new moon sadhana as often as I could.  Many of
the students in that first class have gone on to teach the new moon sadhana in their own yoga
communities.   I feel so blessed to have learned it directly from Betheyla. She was an amazing,
inspiring teacher and it makes me so happy to know that she is still inspiring students through her
beautiful moon salutation.  

Over the past 7 years or so, I have been following the phases of the moon and I continue to celebrate
each new moon with the new moon sadhana.  Some months I practice on my own. Other times I
share the experience with others. Each new moon I write down my intentions for what it is that I
want to grow in my life. I flow through the moon salutation and chant the moon mantra.  

I am eternally grateful to Betheyla for sharing this powerful sequence with me.  It has become a
lifelong sadhana. The teachings that have been revealed to me through the new moon sadhana
have helped me reclaim my feminine nature.  

Each time I lead a new moon sadhana I am in awe of the power of this simple practice.  
Dr. David Frawley says in one of his books that the Sun represents our Striving towards God and the
moon represents God’s  blessings (soma) flowing towards us. The moon salutation gives us an
opportunity to open ourselves up to receive.

So many women have a hard time receiving.  They are more comfortable giving and doing.
The moon salutation reminds us to open ourselves up to receive the blessings from God and in
learning to open we become more receptive to receiving support we all so desperately need.

I apologize in advance...

Yoga-land is all a buzz about Yoga Alliance's new requirements.  Apparently, you need to prove your credentials before you can claim to be a yoga therapist on their yoga teacher registry.  It's interesting that I see this "news" just days after I see a new Facebook post about yet another teacher promoting her/himself as a "yoga therapist/counselor".   A teacher that I respect asked my thoughts.  Truth be told, I hesitated to share my honest opinion on the matter. 

I've been told, more than once, that I am too hard on people.  I expect too much of others.  I have what's been called "a strong personality".   Apparently, some people are uncomfortable with my honesty and straightforward talking so I hesitated.  I'll apologize now if what I'm about to say offends anyone.   

When  I read the Facebook post I reminded myself that I'm not the fairness police.  I reminded myself that it's none of my business what others are doing.  I told myself that I need to start deleting people on Facebook.   I have way too many yoga related posts on my news-feed.  I don't need to know what everyone else is doing. 

Then I received the Yoga Alliance email and emails from a couple of my fellow teachers wanting to know how I feel about this new requirement.   Remember, the new requirement is that unless you have the proper credentials and have proof, you can no longer promote yourself as a "yoga therapist" on the teacher registry.   Here's my honest opinion:  I think that it's a perfectly reasonable requirement.   I actually wonder why that wasn't a requirement all along.  

Let me speak first as a teacher. I have completed several yoga teacher training programs.  I have been practicing yoga for more than 20 years.  I also graduated as a Certified Ayurveda Lifestyle counselor. 

Does that make me qualified to counsel people who struggle with mental illness?  Does that make me qualified to give medical advise?  NO!!   Absolutely not.  Can I offer emotional, mental and physical support to someone dealing with mental illness or physical illness?  YES!!   Can yoga and Ayurveda be used therapeutically?  YES!!  Does that make me a yoga therapist? NO!!  Bottom line, for me?  I share what I've learned not just through my training but also (most importantly) through my own personal practice.  I also recognize when a student needs to be referred to a professional.   As a yoga teacher I take the vow of ahimsa (non-harming)  The student's well-being is the most important thing to me.  More important to me than my ego.   Perhaps it's time for the yoga community to come up with a more appropriate term for what we can offer students.  Let's leave "therapist" for the professionals.   After all, Physical therapists and mental health therapists have completed more than 200 or 300 hours of training.  They are licensed as a therapist only AFTER they pass a test to make sure they actually know enough to be called "therapist".  And let's not forget they have malpractice insurance in case they injure someone.  I would bet that your "yoga teacher insurance" would not defend you if you get sued for claiming to be a therapist of any kind without the proper credentials. 

On a final note, I would like to speak as a student.  I've taken workshops with teachers who clearly didn't have any working knowledge of the topic they were presenting on.  I took a workshop on how to make your own malas.  Aside from the fact that we didn't even have the right materials, the hand-out was an exercise in copy/paste from the internet.  What a bummer that was since I convinced 20 of my friends to join me for that one!   I've had the experience of sitting in a class with a "guest teacher" who likes to wear a lab coat and refers to his "students" as patients.  I found out later than he only completed 1 semester of pre-med.  Why be a doctor when you play one in yoga-land?! Oh, and the teacher who tells me that she's never had any formal meditation instruction and then proceeds to offer a meditation workshop.  When I invest my time and money in a class or workshop I expect that the teacher has some working knowledge of the topic they are presenting.  Is that an unrealistic expectation?  Would you consider that being too hard on people?  I don't.  I do expect truthfulness in yoga-land.  Before I take any class or workshop  I read the teacher's bio.  I've learned to read between the lines.. "I intuited this information"  translates as "I'm good at smoke and mirrors.." 

I could go on and on with examples but the bottom line for me is the safety of the students.  I know this post isn't going to make me any friends in yoga-land but truthfully,  I think it's about time that yoga alliance steps up and does what they have been claiming to do for years.  Make sure that teachers are upholding a professional standard.  Tell the truth, if you found out that your Therapist  or your medical doctor didn't have any formal training and was only presenting themselves as such how would you feel?  I would guess you'd be outraged to find out that the surgeon who's operating on you learned how to remove your appendix from watching YouTube.  What if you found out that the psychiatrist that you are taking your mentally ill family member to turns out to be just a well meaning computer tech who reads a lot of self-help books?  

If you want to be a yoga therapist then BE ONE.  Put the work into the training.   Just because you're not a "yoga therapist" doesn't mean you can't still do great work as a regular old run of the mill yoga teacher.  Be truthful always.. Even if that means people think you're too hard on others.  It scares me that a few rotten apples are spoiling yoga-land. It scares me that sick, vulnerable people are being taken advantage of.   The fact of the matter is that I really do hold yoga students and teachers to a much higher moral standard than I do the average citizen.  I feel that if the people of yoga-land actually practice what they preach then Yoga Alliance wouldn't be needed.

Don't be angry at Yoga Alliance for the new requirement... Be angry with your fellow teachers for making it necessary.   Or better yet, teach your ytt students about teaching with integrity and honesty so that the next generation of yoga teachers won't need Yoga Alliance to set the standards because they will be upholding their own moral standards. 

Uncertainty

Last week someone said to me "I'm struggling with the uncertainty of everything".   I could feel her pain while she spoke.  I could feel it so powerfully because I too struggle with the uncertainty of everything.  Whether it's about our health, finances, or even relationships, uncertainty is at the core of our struggle.

When I teach a yoga class I almost always share my own struggles as the theme for the practice. Having pondered uncertainty all week I decided to use it as the theme for today's class.  The focus of our practice was shifting the fear that comes from uncertainty to seeing it as holding the potential for something magnificent.  

The uncertainty I was thinking about was whether or not I would be staying in my house.  My mind has been so focused on the struggle.  I thought that I was on the right track when I started to look at the uncertainty as a great adventure but that was just the beginning.  Uncertainty holds infinite possibilities.

"Our greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another."   

As I continued the practice of shifting my perspective,  I started to wonder,  what was I certain of?     I expressed in class that there wasn't a damn thing that came to mind.  "You'll die." offered Cari.
Yes!  That is something that certainly will happen.   My thought wave shifted after that.  The perspective expanded.

What thoughts or emotions come up for you when you think about the fact that it's 100% guaranteed that you will die?  Can you see the potential it offers?  We can choose to stress over how, when, where, why...  or we can choose another thought.... How can I live today to the fullest?   

Note to self:   It's not about where I live, it's about HOW I live.  

When life serves up a heaping helping of uncertainty you have a choice. 

a) focus on all the terrible outcomes that may or may not happen 

or 

b) look at it as holding the potential for some magnificent adventure 

It doesn't come natural for me so I have to re-train my mind to see life as a great adventure filled with infinite possibilities.  Re-training the mind takes diligent effort in shifting the perspective.  Remember that we can't always choose the hand we're dealt but we certainly can choose our perspective.  

Are you opening or closing? How does your choice feel?

I've often said that the greatest gift yoga has given me is the connections that I've made with some truly wonderful people.  Today was the perfect example.  After teaching yoga I had tea with a couple of the ladies that came to class.  It didn't take long to realize that God was serving the tea today. Turns out these two lovely ladies have walked in my shoes.  It was so helpful to hear their stories.

One of the women talked about her experience walking the Camino De Santiago.  The greatest lesson she learned during the Camino pilgrimage was how important it is for her to foster and nurture the relationships that are important to her.  The other woman talked about how close she is with her children.  How even though they don't get to spend a lot of time physically together she feels very connected to them.

With many of my relationships coming to an end and others strained I've been feeling disconnected. It seems easier to isolate rather than engage with people.  Endings seem inevitable so I wonder if it's even worth the effort of trying to connect with others.  Today I was reminded that personal connections feed my soul.  Spending time with people I love and care about is worth the effort.  What I hadn't considered before was that even the brief encounters are worth the effort.

As we sat outside the coffee shop a group of older women walked by.  One sassy lady stopped at our table and asked if we were enjoying our meal.  She was quite a character.  Dressed in her "Sunday Best",  she joked about watching her weight.  She was full of life and her cheerful demeanor made me smile.  I'll probably never see that woman again but she left an impression on me.  She was enjoying the summer afternoon with some friends... Maybe they were life long friends or maybe they just met. It didn't matter, they were enjoying each others company.

During meditation we are instructed to give our attention more to the mantra and less to the thoughts.  The thoughts will come and go but we continue to give our attention to the mantra.  Eventually, the thoughts become less and less distracting.  "What you give your attention to grows stronger in your life." 

This lesson holds true in daily living too.  We give attention to the relationships and connections that feed our soul.  There will be relationships that come and go.  There will be relationships that are very much one sided.  Rather than focusing on those experiences maybe we need to shift our focus to where we do feel connected.  "What you give your attention to grows stronger in your life."

I'm thinking now of Betheyla.  She was a teacher that I met years ago.  At the time, I had no idea the impact of that brief encounter on my life.  I can assure you that she had no idea how powerfully she affected the course of my life.  We just never know how much our connections affect others both the brief ones and the life long ones.

That sassy lady won't ever know how she made us smile and how her presence validated the message of the importance of nurturing and fostering connections. Whether brief or life long connections it's worth the effort.  For the 3rd time in 3 days I thought about the astrologer who told me it's my dharma to share the word of God with others.

Only now I'm realizing what that meant.  God is always sharing his message with us.  He speaks through the people we connect with.  We are all God's instruments.  It is our dharma to share the word of God with others.  How could we possibly do that if we don't foster and nurture our relationships with others?

Make me an instrument...

Prayer of St. Francis

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace, 

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; 

to be understood as to understand; 

to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive; 

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; 

and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

I've been saying this prayer since I was a child.  Today, I felt like I was living this prayer... Or rather, the prayer was living me.  I have the great privilege of taking part in a sacred circle sharing teachings that I feel so passionately about with a group of amazing women.  

As I take my seat in the sacred circle  I acknowledge and bow to all the teachers who have shared the profound teachings of yoga with me. I ask for their blessing and pray that I may become an instrument for God's Grace.  

As I take my seat in the sacred circle I recognize myself in the faces of each and every other woman in that circle.  Each one bringing to the circle their own struggles and their own profound wisdom.  Each of us showing up with open hearts and open minds. 

It is in giving that we receive.... I was presented with an opportunity to practice this.  I am grateful that I had the clarity of mind to recognize this opportunity.  The opportunity also helped me to understand that perhaps the reason I experienced the recent "trauma" was to prepare me for the opportunity to give what I, myself,  needed to receive.  So often I struggle with the perception that all these bad things are happening TO me.  Today I had the realization that these "struggles" are actually happening FOR me.  

Today, I felt the Grace of God flowing through me as I shared the sacred teachings of the Upanishads with this group of amazing women.  As the teachings flowed through me each word was meant for me.  It was in giving that I received.  Each word that passed through my heart felt like the hand of God healing my shattered heart. One piece at a time.  Where there was despair...hope,  Where there was darkness...light,  Where there is injury...Pardon.  Where there was sadness...joy. 

In the words of my mother... "God loves me... He really loves me."  

Sometimes, I feel like I need to pinch myself.  How luck am I that I get to share the teachings that I feel so passionately about in sacred circles with some truly remarkable people.  And How lucky am I to have a friend who made that possible? I am eternally grateful to her for having more confidence in me than I had in myself. 

How lucky am I that in the process of sharing God's message I receive the message I've been seeking?  

Forfeiting the race

Why is there always a sense of urgency about things?  Why does it seem like time is running out? Always hurrying from one thing to the next.  Time spent on anything but busyness is wasteful.  "I wish I had more time!"  people are always saying.  I read a quote somewhere that said something like "Einstein and Michaelangelo had the same 24 hours you do."   Some nights I hit my pillow so completely exhausted yet having accomplished nothing in particular.

The sense of urgency and needing to keep up causes so much unnecessary suffering.   Life is moving so fast... Is it?  Is time moving faster than it used to?  Doesn't 24 hours still last  24 hours like they did 100 years ago?  Time isn't what's moving so fast, we are.   The question is, why? 

A yoga teacher once said that whatever neurosis you have off the mat you bring to the mat with you. The same sense of urgency and busyness and needing to accomplish and keep up with others is just as prevalent in yoga-land as it is in the rest of society.  The question is still, why? 

In society we strive to accumulate promotions, possessions,  money, bigger house, better car.  Our children are pushed to excel at everything. They must make honor roll, play 5 sports and master musical instruments.  We strive to make them "well rounded" by filling their days with structured activity.  In yoga-land, it's the race to "awaken".  We strive to accumulate training certificates, have the biggest "following",  master the most advanced postures, teach the most yoga classes, run retreats and workshops and on and on and on.  We want to be well rounded so we fill our time with everything yoga.  We must become master teachers even if it kills us! 

When I first started teaching yoga I was teaching upwards of 10 classes a week.  In addition I was enrolled in a 500 hr advanced yoga teacher training program.  I was also in a dysfunctional marriage, working full time and trying to raise 3 children.  Since that time I completed 2 advanced yoga teacher training programs and a 500 hr Ayurveda lifestyle consultant course.  People would always say to me "I don't know how you do it."  "I'm so impressed that you can manage to do so much".   From the outside I had it all together.... On the inside I was falling apart. I was running all the time... No one ever asked me what it was that I was running away from.  What was the hole that I was trying to fill? 

The last 2 years have been completely different.  I'm teaching much less, I'm not taking any training programs, my marriage ended and my children often times fend for themselves.  From the outside it looks like things are falling apart.... On the inside, things are coming together.  

At the end of my Ayurveda training I asked my teacher "What's next? There's still so much more to learn."  His reply?  "Time to stop asking what's next."  I took his advice.  I stopped running, stopped trying to fill the hole with more training and started living the teachings.   I took time to digest and assimilate all the beautiful, profound wisdom that has been shared with me by my teachers.  I move more slowly and deliberately through life.  Choosing how I spend my time and energy more carefully has made all the difference. 

I'm learning that life is not a race to the finish line.  It's a journey of discovery.  I never took the time to enjoy life when I was so busy trying to keep up with everyone else.  There are still moments when I feel a pang of jealousy when I hear about the training programs other teachers are taking or when someone has the means to quit their job or take a trip to India or whatever.  I'm not saying that it's not good to have goals and ambition in life.  I'm saying that I'm now questioning my motivation for what I do and considering the benefit verse the sacrifice. 

Years ago my oldest got in trouble.  I grounded her and sent her to her room without her phone. Several hours later she came downstairs to show me the beautiful tote bag she had sewn.   Seems to me that when we can practice being still and holding space we open ourselves up to inspiration and creativity.  

Freedom of Speech

I am in a unique position in my life.  I have one foot in yoga-land and the other in the "real world".  

For years I thought this was a hindrance to my spiritual growth.  I now see that it is the ultimate blessing.  

This morning, after my yoga class, a new student said to me that she really appreciated my "teaching" at the beginning of class.  What I shared changed her experience during the physical practice. Today's bhavana was inspired by the book I'm reading, The Untethered Soul, by Michael Singer.  

In the book, the author talks about a dog who's nature it is to run free that suddenly finds himself in a backyard with an electric fence.  The dog, attempts to run  free but hits the invisible boundary and is shocked.  He learns that if he goes too close to the boundary it's uncomfortable so he stays in the yard.   The author goes on to talk about how some dogs are determined to be free.  The determined dog will gradually get closer and closer to the boundary.  He begins to adjust to the discomfort, little by little.  One day, he moves right through the discomfort, crosses the boundary and HE'S FREE! The discomfort is temporary.  Once he crosses it, he's free.  

The last few days I've been feeling like the dog in the yard with the electric fence. I'm becoming more aware, not only of the fact that the electric fence is my own self-imposed boundary, but also to what extent I will go to avoid being uncomfortable.  

There are so many areas in my life that I can see this at play but none as such as in my speech.  For most of my life I never felt comfortable speaking my mind to people.   Well, let me re-phrase that.  It wasn't so much  my mind I had trouble expressing, it was my heart.  I've gotten better at it but I still find myself holding back when I feel uncomfortable about what I want to say.  Speaking from the heart makes me feel vulnerable and that vulnerability is uncomfortable. 

I can see now, that my inability to move through the discomfort of speaking what was in my heart was a huge contributing factor in the break-down of my marriage.  I was afraid to stand up for myself.  I allowed my heart to be ripped to shreds to avoid the discomfort of speaking up.  The discomfort that I was afraid of was being alone, being unlovable.  In the end, I was alone all along.  In the end, I was unlovable... to myself.   The more I held back what was in my heart the more alone and unlovable I felt.  The self-imposed boundary that I put in place to protect myself ended up being what caused me the most pain.  

I'm learning to move through the discomfort.  Little by little, I'm sharing from my heart.  When I take risks and actually  teach from my own personal experience, from my heart,  about how I apply the teachings of yoga to my day to day life, I'm free...  

There's a catch though... Just like when we practice asana, it's not about pushing past the boundary it's about flirting with our edge.  Learning to be comfortable being uncomfortable.  Moving slowly, mindfully, consciously, closer and closer to the self-imposed boundary allowing ourselves time to adjust to a new reality.  

The other side of the mat

For years I've been attending the early morning yoga retreat week that happens at the change of each season.  For the last couple of years it's been the only time I get to practice with my favorite yoga teacher.  So when my favorite yoga teacher asked if I would lead the spring retreat week I was both disappointed (that I wouldn't get to practice with him) and at the same time incredibly honored and excited to lead it. The anxiety and nerves came later. 

As a student participating in the retreat  I have had first hand experience of it's profound nature. I wasn't, however, prepared for the profound revelation I would experience from the other side of the mat.  

Today is day 3 so the focus of the practice is the heart center.  I was nervous about setting the intention for our practice today.  The struggles with the heart center have been plentiful so it took quite a bit of introspection to try to find words that would inspire a yoga practice.  It reminded me of how inadequate words are. Nevertheless, together, the group shared their thoughts and ideas related to the Anahata Chakra (the heart center). Somehow, through the joint effort of the group, inspiration

was created. 

As I was leading the group through the asana practice I was experiencing a very powerful inner revelation! An intense moment of clarity that I was not prepared for.  I was, after all, in the middle of leading a practice!!  "God, can you hold please?"  "This is really not a good time for me to get distracted!!"  Still, the message persisted.  

What choice did I have but to flow with the message...Open your heart to receive love. 

Whether from yourself or someone else.  Be open to receive.  

My mind quickly races in with reasons why I can't do that.  Why it's not safe to open your heart. 

The mind is such a powerful persuader.  Opening our hearts puts us in a very vulnerable position. 

I would venture to say that feeling vulnerable because of previous hurts is a fairly common experience and it is a convincing argument to keep the heart closed.  Especially if, like me you have 

the false belief that you can still give love without fulling opening your heart.  Sort of like "selective numbing". 

The more disturbing reason my mind came up with is that I'm not worthy of receiving love.  When one of the students was sharing this morning she talked about negative self talk.  I suggested that she ask herself is any of it is true.  I suppose I should start there myself.   My initial response is to try to figure out why I have this belief.  Where did it come from?  How long have I carried this belief? How has it impacted me?  And, of course, who's to blame? 

Instead, today I will simply recognize it as a false belief that does not serve me and release it.  It's a burden I suspect I've carried for lifetimes.  It's too heavy to carry anymore.  

I am worthy of receiving love and I will continue to open my heart to receive it.  When I feel myself closing down I will gently remind myself that I am worthy.  Combining this new practice of opening to receive love seems to go hand in hand with my practice of accepting only what is being offered freely.  Being receptive rather than reaching will be the theme.

I'm remembering something I read in David Frawley's book about Soma.  It said something like the sun represents our striving towards God and the moon represents the Grace of God flowing towards us.  Maybe the moon practices that I've been doing were preparing me for this revelation. 

The tree said...Let Go!

When summer comes to an end, do the trees struggle to release their leaves?  

When night comes, does the sun struggle against the darkness? 

Do the flowers, at the end of their time, struggle to hold on to their petals? 

At the end of the winter, does the ice resist melting into the soil? 

Does a seed hold tight and fight against the cracking open? 

The answers can be heard in the whispers of the wind through the tress. 

The tress do not struggle against the changing of the seasons.  At the end, the leaves 

are gracefully, effortless released from the tress.  The wise old tree knows that in order

for the new leaves to grow it must first release the old. 

 The moon doesn't fight the ever changing phases. The wise old moon knows that in order 

for it to be full again, it must first surrender to the darkness. 

The sun doesn't struggle against the darkness.  The wise old sun knows that in order to fully

appreciate the light we must first experience the darkness. 

Does the seed know that the trauma of cracking open is necessary in order to bloom into 

something beautiful?  Who can know for sure... Yet, still it surrenders it's form willingly. 

And in the surrender, beauty is born.

Does the little caterpillar know that in order to fly it must first die?  Who can know for sure...

Yet, still it surrenders it's form willingly.  And in the surrender it discovers it's wings to fly.

Do you know what beauty you were meant to bloom forth?  Who can know for sure.... 

Are you listening to the whispers in the wind?  Can you hear the message from the wise old tree.

It is in the darkness and surrender that beauty grows.  We must release what has come to it's 

natural end so that we can move gracefully into the next season of our life with the same gracefulness

as the leaves in the fall. 

Food for the soul

I have so few childhood memories but the few I do have usually involve food. I remember one day coming out of kindergarten to find my father and my uncle Bob waiting for me. They walked me home from school. My Uncle Bob and Aunt Jenny had come for dinner. My mom was in the kitchen cooking. I can still smell the food. I climbed on a chair to help my mom bread the chicken cutlets.

This time of the year always reminds me of the ritual of making tomatoes sauce and roasting peppers and making pickled eggplants. These are my favorite childhood memories. My mom and my zia always cooking.

This past week-end I had the great privilege of co-facilitating a women's yoga retreat with a teacher who I love and respect. She introduced me to the Wise Earth Ayurveda sadhanas. These are beautiful spiritual practices that involve food and breath and sound. The blending of food and yoga has been a magical experience for me.

During our retreat, Padmashree introduced us to a mandala making sadhana. We used various grains and beans to create a mandala. Each of us added to the design, a few beans or grains at a time. While we chanted the vow of Ahimsa (non-harming) a beautiful image began to unfold. I was transported back to my childhood. The kitchen full of woman adding one ingredient at a time.

At the end of the sadhana we had collectively created a beautiful work of art. As we stepped back to admire the beautiful image it didn't matter who placed which beans where. It was through the effort of the collective working together that a beautiful work of art was created.

The practice had awakened in me that memory of my mom and my zia and even us kids cooking together and sharing a meal. All of us collectively, washing and cutting tomatoes. All of us collectively peeling peppers. All of us collectively preparing the food that would nourish us. When we sat down together at the table it didn't matter who added which ingredient or who made which part of the meal. The collective effort of the woman working together to create the beautiful meal nourished not only our physical bodies but also our souls.

I have so few childhood memories but the ones that I do hold on to usually involve food.  Food and a circle of women. The food always tasted so much better when it was prepared together and eaten together. It was infused with a little extra bit of love.

It is through the power of the collective working together, for the greater good, and without ego that beauty is created.

                                I take the vow of ahimsa
                     I make inner harmony my first priority

                               I take the vow of ahimsa
                        in my thoughts, speach and action

Things are not always as they seem.

What does a baby possum, Robin Williams' death, and the Pele report have in common?  Here's another clue... Things are not always as they seem.

The baby possum was injured and dying....Not really, he was playing dead and escaped as soon as the opportunity presented itself.   Robin Williams had it all, money, fame, family, everyone loved him, he was a happy, fun loving guy....Not really,  he clearly was wrestling demons that no one on the outside knew anything about.  Yesterday's Pele report (astrological forecast) confirmed the theme, things are not always as they seem.   There's so much more happening than what we perceive on a physical level.

For some of you maybe this doesn't come as such a shock.  If you've been practicing yoga/meditation even for a short time you have probably gotten a glimpse of the subtle energy that shifts and changes when we practice.    For those you who haven't experienced it for yourself, well, now is the time to pay attention. 

For years I've been aware that at times what I'm seeing and hearing on a physical level does not match what I feel on an internal level.  This has caused me much anxiety and trauma.  I've also identified this as the cause of my self-doubt and also the source of my difficulty with trust.

Things aren't always as they seem.   It's hard to trust the sensory input but trusting our intuition is vital.
Now, more than ever, I feel that it is imperative that we pay attention to our internal world. It's time to shine the light into the deep, dark corners of our hearts, mind and soul.

The great meditation teacher, Eknath Easwaren once used the analogy of a driver who takes great care of his vehicle.  He washes it and waxes it and even has the seat belts embroidered but never looks under the hood to check the oil.   Sure, it's nice to have a beautiful external environment but what good is it if your internal environment is dilapidated from neglect?

I had to stop watching the news and reading the paper. I remember one day standing in the line at the grocery store. I saw an imagine of a mother holding her child who was dying of starvation.  The image affected me so much that nearly 20 years later it still haunts me.  The look of seer helplessness and despair on that mother's face was so powerful and it touch a place within me that felt that same helplessness and despair.  I was standing in line at the grocery store filled with food while a child lie dying of starvation and there was nothing I could do to help. 

The Pele report I watched this morning held the key for me. The message was loud and clear. I need to repair and clean up my internal environment.  In doing so it will have a positive effect on my external environment.  I can't help that starving child in the newspaper. Rather than wallowing in the feelings of helplessness and despair I can work on being more mindful that I don't waste food.  That I only take in what I need. I can share food with others in my community.  On an even deeper level, I can explore where in my life do I feel like I'm starving.  What am I starving for?

There isn't much we can do to stop the wars that are raging on but we can address the internal wars that have been raging for generations. We do  have the capacity to stop the internal wars. When we practice resolving inner conflicts then the conflicts with others won't be so difficult.  Violence and anger cannot be defected with violence and anger.  Have you ever seen a parent slap their child and say "We don't slap our friends!  that's not nice!"  Their actions say one thing while they attempt to convey the opposite message.

Ultimately, what I'm finally beginning to understanding on a deeper level is that everything we experience on an external level is a reflection of our internal environment.  When our inner world is filled with conflict we experience the external physical world also as filled with conflict.  

Things are not always as they seem.  Daily spiritual practice is the tool we need to remove the veils of maya that keep us from seeing the truth.  Turn within and begin the work of repairing and rebuilding your internal environment. Sometimes we need help repairing.  Seek help. In doing so, you are giving someone the opportunity to be of service.  It may seem like they are helping you but you might end up being the one who helps them.  Things are not always as they seem..

I have something to say!

Listen up people of yoga-land. I have an important announcement to make. I am not now, and never have been interested in competition. I have never played competitive sports. Hell, I don't even like board games. It feels odd that I have to make such a declaration but unfortunately, even in yoga-land people are still people.

The fact of the matter is that yoga is a spiritual practice for me. It's not a job, it's not a career, and it most certainly is not a competition. Whatever it is that I do I give 100%. Not because I want to be better than anyone else but because that's just the way I do things. That applies to my yoga practice.

Each time I have the privilege, and it is a privilege, to lead a class I give 100% whether one person or 25 people show up. I give 100% not because I want to be better than the other teachers at the studio. I give 100% because I feel each person who chooses to share their time with me deserves it. The most important thing I've learned in my role as "teacher" is that teaching is fluid and alive. Leading a class is just as much a learning experience as it is a teaching experience. 

I don't have time to worry about what my peers are doing in their classes because I'm too busy paying attention to what's happening in my own class. When I'm sitting on the teacher's seat I always acknowledge, with gratitude, my own teachers. That includes each and every person who has chosen to roll out their yoga mats in front of me. I acknowledge, with gratitude, that I am only God's instrument. I teach in service to God. Therefore, I give 100% of myself. This is not a competition, it is a spiritual practice.

I feel inspired to share my spiritual practices with others so I lead a "workshop". The topics I choose to offer as workshops are inspired by my own personal practice. I am not looking at what others teachers are doing and then presenting their ideas as my own.  Whatever it is I choose to offer is an offering of my heart. Everything I do is an offering to God. Therefore, I give 100% of myself. This is not a competition, it is a spiritual practice.

My personal mission statement is to teach every class with the following intention:
* an open heart
* gratitude
* humility
* reverence
* integrity
* open to learning

I pledge to live my life authentically. That means that I offer 100% of myself in everything I do because that's just who I am. I will not make excuses or apologize for that. I have no time to compete with my peers because in each day I am striving to do better than I did yesterday. I have no time for competition because I am too busy living my own life fully to worry about what other people are doing.

I will leave you with this powerful quote from the Bhagavad Gita that I have adopted as my motto:

"It is better to do your own duty, however lacking in merit, than to do that of another, even though efficiently. It is better to die doing one's own duty, for to do the duty of another is fraught with danger."

Live your own life fully and stop trying to live someone else's.....

My Daughter the yogi

Photo credit to Tayler Nicholson

It's official, my dear Tayler, you are a yogi. The fact that you are aware that "it's the thoughts that kill you" means that you are advanced in the study of yoga. In the language of the Upanishads..."It is the mind that frees us or enslaves". You are on your way to true freedom dear daughter.

I wouldn't dream of interfering with your journey to self-realization. I know that each journey is unique and beautiful; filled with just enough twists and turns to keep it exciting. I am your mother, though, and I do want to share some pearls of wisdom that may help you along your way. I have found these words to be beacons of light for me when I was lost in the dark.


* It is the nature of the mind to think. So give it something good to think about.

* That which you put your attention on grows stronger in your life. Choose wisely.

* Our greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another. Choose the higher thought.

* Change your thoughts, you change your life.

* You are not your thoughts.

* Yoga/Meditation is stilling the fluctuations of the mind.


"It is the mind that frees us or enslaves. Driven by the senses we become bound; Master of the senses we become free. Those who seek freedom must master their senses.

When the mind is detached from the senses one reaches the summit of consciousness. Mastery of the mind leads to wisdom. Practice meditation. Stop all vain talk. The highest state is beyond reach of thought, for it lies beyond all duality.

Keep repeating the ancient mantram OM until it reverberates in your heart." ~Amritabindu Upanishad

Do you see the value?

While teaching a class last week-end one of the students expressed that she felt what we were doing seemed very superficial. I considered what she said and suggested that the external process of learning to observe can be internalized so that we can begin to observe ourselves. The observation process is so very important. The problem comes when the observations become judgments and criticism. The learning comes when the observation process is internalized so that we can begin to observe our own patterns and beliefs. The progress is made when we can observe our internal process and make changes where changes are needed. The hard part is staying neutral and non-judgmental.

This exchange with the student was more a lesson for me than her. She already knows that what's happening externally is very superficial. I was the one who needed the reminder. "It's not about the external posture; yoga is about how you FEEL in the posture." How often have I said this in class? Still I forget that the same is true off the mat.

I am starting to see that the external circumstances that have been troubling me are superficial. The emotional clouds are starting to lift and I can see that the acts of others speak more to their character and have nothing at all to do with me. Shifting the focus from observing the "actions" of others to observing how I react to a perceived in-justice against me is the yoga practice.

As I observe my internal pattern I see that my natural tendency is to revisit all the times in the past where people have hurt me. I reinforce this false belief that I can’t trust people; People suck! Is that belief true? Is that belief helpful? Is there any value in that belief? NO.

The intention seed that I planted during the last new moon was that when I discovered this negative pattern of thinking I would turn it upside down. I would shift my focus to what I do value and what brings me joy. Shifting the focus away from what other people are “doing to me” to what is it that I want to offer freely. What can I do to empower and support myself and others?

The other important lesson I learned from my experience this past week-end was that the things I value are my own “intentional self disciplines”. The trouble comes when I expect others to value the same things I value. Truth, integrity, self-less service, and respect are things that I value. These are the offerings of my heart. As long as I can lay my head down on my pillow at night secure in the knowledge that I have done my best to live by my own intentional self disciplines then I can sleep soundly. My mission is to lead by example not force.

Remember not to internalize the actions of others. Simply observe your own reactions and thought patterns without judgment and trace them back to the belief pattern. Then ask yourself… Is there any value in that belief?
If not, move on…… Om Namaha Shivaya!

Learning and Teaching...

I'm about 3 weeks and 27 questions of my final exam away from graduation. I'm both excited and sad. It's exciting that I'll be able to officially call myself an "Ayurveda Lifestyle Counselor" It feels good to have completed this course. It was a lot of work and required a lot of dedication. I admit that I am proud of myself for following through and completing it. I'm also sad. I'm sad that I won't be in class with my teacher and classmates anymore.

I asked my teacher what the next step in my studies is. He replied "time to stop looking for the next step." I am a perpetual student but I do believe he's right. It's time to stop looking for something outside of myself to validate me.

Twice in the past week I've encountered people who told me that for years and years they read every self-help book they could get their hands on. They participated in every self-improvement workshop and class they came across. They've spent a small fortune on therapy. For years and years they searched for ways to heal their internal wounds. I am no different.

When I first discovered yoga, my search for "self-improvement" was narrowed to Yoga related books and workshops and classes. But I was still searching for someone or something that would solve all my troubles. My search started out by reading books, then looking for yoga classes, then it was looking for a teacher, then looking for workshops and teacher training courses, then retreats, then a guru, then questioning everything I learned up to that point. Still I found myself searching.

Along the way I learned some profound and life changing things. Along the way I met some incredible people. Some of whom have become life long friends. But I've also found a lot of crap. I've come across a lot of people looking to make a buck from the taking advantage of vulnerable people.

After a long talk with a student recently I realized that through my own journey of self-exploration I had learned a thing or two that might just be useful to share. They may sound cheesy but I can say from my own personal experience that they are true.

** Everything you seek is already within you. There is no secret ingredient in the secret noodle soup recipe.

** No one can do the work for you. You need to do the work. Reading the book isn't enough. Even if someone else is an expert and teaches you the technique you need to DO it for yourself.

** There are shysters out there so the old saying "Buyer beware" applies even in yoga-land.

** Even Ayurveda recognizes that sometimes western medicine is needed. My teacher says "If I cut off my finger all the herbs in the world aren't going to reattach my finger"

** The Taittiriya Upanishad says: "practice right conduct, learning and teaching; be truthful always, learning and teaching; Master your passions, learning and teaching; control the senses, learning and teaching; Strive for peace always, learning and teaching; rouse Kundalini, learning and teaching; Serve humanity, learning and teaching."
"Learning and teaching are necessary for spiritual progress."

Ultimately, the searching and learning is an important part of the process but even more vital to our journey is the part when we use what we've learned in our day to day life. Once we have direct knowledge of what we've learned from our own personal experience we then teach.

"Learning and teaching are necessary for spiritual progress." But don't fool yourself; you can't skip over the part about applying what you've learned BEFORE you teach. Even if no one else knows you've skipped that part, God knows.

My guru, Jake

So last week at dinner my son, Jake (who's 10yrs old), was telling his sister's boyfriend about meditation. He said "At night, before bed, I chant the mantra to the moon my mom gave me and it gives me a great night sleep." How fabulous is that?!

This is the same kid who was teaching the other kids at daycare yoga postures. One day, when he was 4 yrs old, I showed up at the daycare after work. The teacher stopped me at the door. She told me that he had all the kids sitting in a circle and he was in the middle teaching them how to do yoga.

Why am telling you these stories? Well, mostly because I'm a proud momma but also because I have come to learn a very valuable lesson from Jake. It's most effective to lead by example. What's more important than what you say is how you live. The important thing to remember is that there's no better teacher than experience.

Jake didn't need me to tell him that using mantra would give him a great night sleep. He tried it and he discovered for himself the effects of using the mantra. Now he knows it to be true for himself.

He is a regular kid, he gets fresh and cranky and makes me crazy but sometimes there are little glimpses of the incredibly wonderful yogi he's going to be. Jake's advise to Tayler's boyfriend... "You should try it"

Perhaps you'd like to try it for yourself too. Make a commitment to sit for meditation for 20 minutes every day. Chant a mantra. I'm using the Gayatri mantra. You can use the mantra to the moon Jake is using, OM SOM SOMAYA NAMAHA. Chose one and stick to it for at least 30 days.

(If you are interested in formal meditation instruction I can certainly help you with that. Send me an email with your contact info. At mirelnichols@aol.com)

Try it and see if you too have a great night sleep. There is no better teacher than experience.

The student is ready.....

I haven't taken a regular group yoga class in well over a year. I spent a lot of time being sad about the loss of my support system but then I was over it. Until this morning. I woke up today feeling the loss again. It's so weird how emotions sort of sneak up on you sometimes.

Although I've had a personal practice for many years, my regular yoga class always supported my personal practice. Up until about a year and half ago I attended at least 2 classes a week for the better part of 19 years. It was a huge part of my life to say the least.

The past year and half has been very challenging for me not only as a yoga student but also as a yoga teacher. There have been moments when I felt completely dis-enchanted with yoga. I've come to realize that what I'm disenchanted with is modern day, Americanized yoga. What I'm mourning, is the loss of the support system, the sense of community and the inspiration that I found in having a teacher.

I have given up hope that my teacher will come to his senses and return to his post as my teacher. I accepted the fact that the universe was giving me an opportunity to see that I can stand on my own two feet. My home practice is the real support system and is the place where I am most connected to the source of inspiration. I can honestly say that is true.

But today....I'm missing the rest of it.

Sharing my passion for yoga with others is almost as rewarding as my role as a mother. There's no doubt that in my work as a yoga teacher I feel the Grace of the Divine working through me. It's my role as a student of yoga that keeps the channel open to receive the flow of God's Grace.

Today, it's the student that is longing for nourishment.

The business of yoga

I've been thinking a lot about this business of being a yogi in modern times. There are unique challenges that we face today. For example, how do you promote yourself as a teacher and get students in the class without inflating your ego?

You prepare the lesson plan for the class/workshop, you select the perfect music to accompany your sequence, you light the candles and make the room inviting and then.... No one shows up. There's no doubt that it's disappointing. How do you let go of the expections and practice acceptance then?

It's a strange new world we're living in. Yoga on facebook is the perfect example. Yes, I do see the irony here as most of you are reading this post from my facebook link. Are you promoting your yoga business or inflating your ego when you post hundreds of pictures of yourself "doing yoga"? Is yoga something you do or is it a state of being?

The thought that keeps coming back to me is that yoga is not suppose to be a business. It was never intended to be a way to make a living. In there lies the problem (in my humble opinion).

Don't get me wrong; I daydream about quitting my day job and teaching yoga full time too. I dare you to find a yoga teacher who hasn't. Unfortunately, as I see it, if I had to depend on yoga teaching to pay my mortgage I would have to have a different approach to self-promotion. I would have no choice but to engage my ego more.

I appreciate the fact that some folks have chosen to walk this fine line of teaching yoga to make a living and living the yoga lifestyle. My feeling is that if we can all remember that living our yoga is the foundation we will have a better chance at growing the yoga business. The first lesson in yoga teacher training is only teach what you know. It saddens me to see how many teachers teach material that they haven't thoroughly studied and applied in their own lives.

On the flip side of that is that yoga teacher training programs should require students take continuing education classes on the topic of ethics in yoga. You would think that most of it is common sense stuff but my experience has been that reminders are needed.

Back to Facebook, if your friends are also yoga teachers is it appropriate to promote yourself on their facebook page? When all your friends are also yoga teachers how do you deal with envy among your peers? What if you are offered a teaching position that would pay you double what you make teaching other classes but you're asked to teach something you don't know intimately? Do you fake it? And if so, is that really teaching yoga? How do you build self-confidence without becoming self-absorbed?

It seems to me that the scales have been tipped and we now have more teachers than students. That's because there's this misconception that once you've completed a 200hr yoga teacher training program you suddenly become a teacher and you forget that you are still a student. The real learning begins after graduation. The learning up till that point has only been superficial. It's up to the student to deepen their study of yoga by actually practicing what was learned.

The need for real teachers is stronger than ever. A true teacher would hold the pin that would pop our inflated ego when it's getting out of control. A true teacher would offer us an example of right living. A true teacher would hold the light for us when we are lost in the dark.

Om Shri Gurubhyo Namaha!!

The sun will come out tomorrow...

It's been challenging to find the time to post regularly. In addition to the regular craziness of my life I'm currently in the middle of a year long Ayurveda Lifestyle consoler program. I'm loving every minute of the course and wish that I had more time to devote to it. I honestly feel like the information is life changing. Hopefully once I earn my certificate I'll be sharing more about Ayurveda but for now I have something else I'd like to talk about.

There's 2 things rattling around in my brain that are most pressing. Let's see if I can combine them into something that makes sense.....

Last week-end I had the privilege of offering a workshop on the moon salutation. Afterwards, I felt like I wasn't clear enough about the idea of setting intentions. What I want to say is that setting an intention isn't simply setting it and forgetting about it. When we make the commitment to do a 30 or 40 day sadhana we are committing to actively working on the intention we set for ourselves.

Let's say that our intention is to not get stuck in our emotions. The intention is set, planting the seeds for what we want to grow, then each day when we do our sadhana (spiritual practice) we reaffirm the intention. As we go about the business of our lives we water the seeds of our intention by being conscious and noticing when a strong emotion comes up. With the intention fresh in our mind from our morning practice we can chose to either let ourselves get stuck in our emotions or we can chose to recognize how fleeting they are and let them go.

Each time we make the conscious choice to reaffirm our intention by our actions we are feeding the seeds and our intention gets stronger. The stronger our little seedlings get, the more beautifully they will flower. Like our gardens, the seeds we plant with our intentions need to be tended to in order for them to bear fruit.

The example I used of not getting stuck in our emotions is the second thing I wanted to talk about. A classmate of my daughter's killed himself last week. It breaks my heart to think that this young boy felt such despair that killing himself was the only solution he could think of. How sad that he couldn't see past his current state of emotions to the fact that he had his whole life filled with endless possibilities ahead of him.

No matter how desperate our situation seems in any given moment we must remember that it's temporary. I'm remembering the story of the little hungry caterpillar. "Just when the little caterpillar thought his life was over he turned into a beautiful butterfly."

This tragic event reaffirms for me my intention of fostering community. No one should ever feel so alone and desperate that suicide seems like the only option. Asking for support is not a sign of weakness... in fact it takes great strength and courage. It's also important that we pay attention and be present in our interactions with others. Maybe the text message asking if you want to go grab a beer is actually someone reaching out for support. Don't be too busy to offer some support, even if it's only a quick phone call.

So when you are planting your seeds of intention be sure to plant seeds which will bear fruit that can be used to feed and nourish others as well as yourself.

Om Shanti Om!

Real Yoga

Tapas - intentional self-discipline

Svadhaya - self-study, self-inquiry

Isvaraprandihana - Surrender to God

In my humble opinion, the above 3 practices are essential  for serious yoga practitioners. I'd like to explore these ideas with you.  Please share your thoughts by commenting.  I'd like to hear what you have to say.

Let's start with Tapas:

Tapas means to burn.  It refers to the disciplines and austerities used to create heat required for transformation.  Here's the thing, ttransformation on the surface level is really pretty easy. All that's required is some new clothes, new name and new circle of friends and WaLa! You are transformed. (Rent the movie Kumare....and you'll understand what I mean). I see a lot of this sort of transformation. Yes, it is technically transformation and I've been told that it serves the person in some way. Perhaps for some, "fake it till you make it" works.  Does fake bliss feel the same as real bliss? I doubt it.

A while back I did some research on women in yoga. What I found was that a lot of popular, modern "yoginis" actually had a hard time with discipline. They found the disciplines their teachers gave them to do too hard, so they changed the disciplines, left their teachers and started their own yoga style that suited them better. Is it discipline if you change it to make it easier for yourself? I came face to face with this challenge this week. I am in the middle of a 40 day moon salutation sadhana. My intentional self-discipline is to do 11 rounds of Chandra Namaskar each day followed by 108 mantras to the moon. I'm doing great the first week or 10 days but then my knee started bothering me. I could very easily use that as an excuse not to practice. I did toy with the idea, telling myself that "I'm honoring my body" by not doing it. Would it still be tapas if I use the excuse of a little discomfort to derail my intention? I doubt it. 

Svadhaya:

Think about how people use the ancient yogic principles to justify their bad behavior. For example, when using the concept of practicing acceptance to justify avoiding the difficult task of changing something that needs to change. Using the idea of surrender and karma to avoid taking responsibility for our own circumstances in life. The truth is that what we need to surrender are the excuses we tell ourselves about why we have the difficulties we have in our lives. Then there would be a chance for real transformation.

The truth of the matter is that when you begin the practice of Svadhaya you will, without a doubt, uncover issues that you will be required to address. That is, if you're interested in transformation on a deeper level.

You will find out things about yourself that you may not like to admit. One of my biggest revelations and challenges has been attachment. My attachment to people and my attachment to my own beliefs and opinions. I could call my attachment to people and my beliefs loyalty and devotion. But is attachment the same as loyalty and devotion? I doubt it.

Ishvarapranidhana:

Do what you do in service to God. Offering all your tapas to the greater good of all. Here's where it all comes together.... at least for me. I ask myself, and you, what is your motivation for doing what you do?

Why are you doing the disciplines? What transformation are you seeking? These questions can be answered through self-inquiry(svadhaya). The serious yoga practitioner is willing to ask herself/himself the hard questions and will answer honestly. 

Am I doing the disciplines because I'm seeking the approval and recognition of my teachers and peers or for God?

Is the transformation that I seek superficial, simply to fit in with the popular crowd or am I ready for the hard, dirty work of releasing the fantasy world we have created in our own mind to discover who we really are?

What transformation are YOU seeking and are you willing to do the work required to achieve it?  Are you ready to surrender yourself to the will of the Divine?