Yoga with Mirella Nicholson

Yoga with Mirella Nicholson

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Dear fear....

Dear Fear,

I'm breaking up with you.  Even though you and I have a LONG history together I can no longer be with you.  I love my kidneys now....

I was about 7 months pregnant with my daughter, Tayler, the first time I had a kidney stone.  That was 20 years ago.  Over the past 20 years I've had several other "episodes" with kidney stones.  This last episode landed me in surgery to remove a stone that was stuck in my bladder.  After the surgery I vowed to eat right and drink enough to avoid another kidney stone.  It was a truly awful experience that I want to put behind me and forget about.

Today I was listening to an astrology report and the astrologer was talking about how our emotions effect our organs.  Fear is related to the kidneys according to the astrologer.   I had heard this before but didn't give it much thought.  I did research kidney stones from an Ayurvedic perspective.  I read about what foods are likely to cause kidney stones but it wasn't until today that I decided to research how emotions effect the kidneys.

A quick google search and I found this "Kidney problems are particularly concerned with issues related to fear with a focus on relationships, such as unexpressed grief or emotional insecurity."
Wow...  The kidneys' job is "discriminate between what is harmful and what is beneficial".
Kidney stones "are like unshed tears that have become solidified."

I'm doing my best to take care of my kidneys with diet and drinking lots of water.  Now it's time to take care of my kidneys by releasing fear.  As most of you know by now, at the end of last summer my marriage came to an end.  Just shy of our 25 wedding anniversary.  This past year has been a year filled with fear, sadness, emotional insecurity and grief.  Although, truth be told, these are emotions that I can trace back to my childhood and I would venture to say maybe even back to previous lifetimes.

Through my practice of yoga and meditation and by the Grace of God, I have had moments of clarity. In these brief moments I can see beyond the momentary situation or experience to what my underlying emotions were.  The google search was right.  At the root of all my relationships with people I loved was fear.  Fear of not being good enough,  Fear that the person I loved would abandon me, fear that if I expressed myself that my loved one would get angry and wouldn't love me anymore.
Unexpressed grief and emotional insecurity are not good foundations upon which to build long lasting relationships.  Dear fear,  I recognize that you are a valuable tool to remind me to proceed with caution but I will no longer stay stuck in fear.   My kidney troubles have taught me a valuable lesson.  The job of a kidney is to discriminate between what is harmful and what is beneficial.  Fear will be my signal to engage my power of discernment.  In each situation and relationship I will assimilate what is beneficial and I will release what is harmful.

Dear Kidneys, thanks for the wake up call.  I am ready to step forward in faith.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Authentically vulnerable

I make a very conscientious effort to be authentic in every area of my life.  Authenticity is something that I value. So many times I've heard myself saying "This is me, the good, the bad, and the ugly".

I really believed these statements to be true.  Then one day I was talking to a friend about how someone hurt my feelings.  I told him that I was upset with this person.  "No, I haven't told him how I feel" I tell my friend.   I value my relationship with this person and I'm afraid that if I tell him how I feel that it may put a strain on the relationship.  Is this relationship that I value authentic?  How can it be authentic if I don't feel like it could handle an honest conversation?

Someone I know is behaving in a way that makes me uncomfortable. Sneaking around, gossiping, and looking to make trouble for others.  I considered this person a friend but her behavior making it hard to continue being her friend.  How can I trust her? Trust is the foundation of any relationship.  How authentic am I if  I can't express my feelings for fear that they will be used against me?

The relationship between vulnerability and authenticity is a very curious thing.  When we choose to be authentic vulnerability is part of the package.  Isn't it?   Can you be authentic without being vulnerable?  Whenever I have to express my authentic feelings I do feel vulnerable.  What if the other person views my vulnerability as a weakness and uses it to attack me?  Is it safe to be authentic with everyone?  Is "selective authenticity" really authentic?

I feel incredibly vulnerable when I show up as my authentic self.  What if someone doesn't like the authentic me?  What if  I speak my authentic feelings from my heart and someone is offended, or worse gets angry?   Is the act of living your life with authenticity worth the risk of being vulnerable?

I believe that once we all let our guards down and choose authenticity we can see that our vulnerabilities are not so different.  When we see that we are all struggling with the same need to be accepted, same need to be loved, same need to be heard we may begin to help each other up instead of looking for ways to tear each other down.

It is only when we can accept our own vulnerabilities that we can begin to truly live authentically.  Once we are comfortable in our vulnerabilities then we must hold space for others to do the work to find comfort in their vulnerability.

It takes a tremendous amount of strength to look authentically at our vulnerabilities.  It takes even more strength to find comfort in them.  How comfortable are you being authentically vulnerable?