The year I got lost

How do I begin this story?  It is after all, a story.  A true one but a story none-the-less.   A defining moment in my life but still, I acknowledge, a story.   

At first I thought the story began 10 months ago when I was attacked in Yoga-land.  However, as I mentioned already, this is a true story and if I'm honest the story began many lifetimes ago.  The "attack" was simply the trigger that sent me into the most recent spiral. 

Three months into the COVID19 crisis I found myself terrified every time my kids went to work that they would contract this potentially deadly disease, and trying to adapt to a virtual life.  Work, teaching, socializing all shifted to staring at a  computer screen for most of my day.   

Then June happened.  My dog, Luna, who I love like my child was having trouble breathing.  I was given 2 options 1) surgery that cost $8,000. (which might as well have been a million dollars) 2) Put her down.  I was devastated.  That was just the beginning.  Thanks to the generosity of my family and friends  I was able to pay for Luna's surgery.  The day of her surgery we had some freak storm that literally lasted all of 5 minutes but caused thousands of dollars in damage.  A huge tree in my backyard came down taking with it my fence and shed and lots of other things including the power lines.  

That night I couldn't sleep.  I didn't know if Luna would survive, I didn't know how I was going to re-pay everyone for the donations.  My virtual life came to a screeching halt without electricity. Luckily,  I was able to charge my phone in the car since I was waiting for an update on Luna. She wasn't doing as well as we had hoped after the surgery.   At 2am I decided to check my emails to distract myself for a while. 

It was at that moment, in the middle of this traumatic day that a "trauma informed" yoga teacher decided to attack me.  You see, it was June 2020 and the United States was on fire.  There was a deadly pandemic raging, there was political and civil unrest.  It was in the middle of this traumatic moment in my life that I was told that I hadn't done my part for social justice.  I was attacked for not being sensitive to the needs of  people who have experienced trauma.   It was also brought to my attention that I was contributing to the "cultural appropriation" of  yoga.  

At first, I tried to defend myself.  Then I got angry and decided to back away from yoga, social media, and basically everything and everyone that wasn't required or my family.  Then the downward spiral began to speed up.  Self-doubt set in and I started to think maybe she was right.  Maybe I am a terrible person.  Maybe I am not good enough.  Maybe I'm not doing enough. Maybe I am contributing to the suffering of others.   Once the spiral of negative self talk gets going it's like a runaway train.  

I defended myself over and over, I got angry, then I got to work.  I needed to improve myself.  I read books, watched videos, listened to podcasts.  The more I learned the more confused I became.  That's when it dawned on me.  Maybe, just maybe, she was wrong.  I'm not a terrible person.  I am good enough.  I am not contributing to the cultural appropriation of yoga.   I do care deeply about social justice.  

I will continue the practice of self-reflection and I will continue to work on self improvement.  What I won't do anymore is defend myself or explain myself.  I ask that you judge me on your own personal experience with me and not by the words of others.   

I have one more thing to ask of you.  Remember that everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Therefore, before you make the choice to verbally attack someone consider the possibility that your words may trigger that person back into self-destructive habits. 

"Trauma informed" means to recognize that trauma comes in many forms and in order to truly offer "trauma informed yoga" means that you are kind, gentle, and compassionate with everyone.  Before you make the choice to verbally attack someone ask yourself how would I speak to this person if I knew they were a victim of years of verbal abuse in the past? 

  The first rule of yoga is  AHIMSA.... Do no harm. 

Where do you stand?

Witnessing this moment in our country's history I osculate between horror and hope.  

Story after story of systemic racism breaks my heart daily.

Peaceful protests - arms linked in solidarity fill me with hope.

People I love and respect defending and justifying violence disgusts me. 

People I love and respect pledging to protect and support our marginalized brothers and sisters inspires me. 

Speeches that vomit hatred for another in the name of religion are vile. 

Actions of love, respect and service to another need no public declaration - God is there. 

I lose faith in humanity when I see someone being treated less than human. 

The resilience of the human spirit gives me strength and courage to keep extending my hand in service. 

The roots of hatred are so deep. It's overwhelming. 

It feels like we're digging up the roots of an ancient oak tree with a plastic beach shovel. 

But the mighty oak tree started as infinite potential stored in a tiny acorn.  

In this moment, we hold in our hands the same infinite potential for love and mutual respect. 

Like the tiny acorn, we are right now buried in darkness. We must allow ourselves to soften, be broken open, and continue to reach for light. 

Witnessing this moment in our country's history begs the question....What side of history do you want to be on?   Are you contributing to the horror or the hope?  How does your choice feel? 

Our shared belief

Those of you who know me know that I have very strong opinions.  I even joke about my strong opinions on things that don't fit neatly into one of my mentally constructed boxes.  My opinions and my values are very clear to me.  Things are either right or wrong, up or down, hot or cold, good or bad.... I could go on but you get the picture.

The practice of  acknowledging and examining my strongly held beliefs has been daunting and difficult but imperative.  Each day, I strive to be a better version of myself than I was the day before.  That requires I take a good hard look at my thoughts and beliefs.  The beauty of this bat-shit crazy human life is that we have the ability to evolve and grow.  It's not an easy process but nothing worth doing is ever easy.

It's overwhelming to see all the injustice and evil in the world.  The problems seem insurmountable.
I often times feel like I'm losing faith in humanity.  How can there be so much evil in this world?  I honestly, don't understand.  My heart breaks day after day. I feel powerless.

Watching the video of a cop murdering a handcuffed black man on the street was horrifying.  There's no doubt that what we all witnessed in that video was evil.   That's clear.  What's not clear to me is how anyone can defend the man who murdered George Floyd.  What's not clear to me is how the other cops can stand there and do nothing.  I can't even find the words to express the rage and sadness that I feel that this happened AGAIN. 

I have a teenage son. He's 17 years old and believes he's invincible as most teenage boys do. Whenever he leaves the house I worry as most mothers do. What I can't stop thinking about is the terror a mother of a black child must feel every time her child leaves the house.  When I look at my children I see your children too. 

The rage and sadness I'm feeling today is making it difficult for me to find the words so please forgive me as I must speak bluntly.  Until we all examine our belief that one life is more valuable than another NONE of our children are safe from evil.  Until we look at each other and see ourselves NONE of us are safe from evil.   We cannot heal the world around us and right the injustices until we acknowledge and examine that strongly held belief that "WE" are more valuable than "THEM". 

I don't give a damn what color you are, what religion you are, what political party you align yourself with, I don't give a damn whether you are straight or gay or both.  I don't give a damn how much money you have or how educated you are.  WE ARE THEM!! WE ARE ALL HUMAN BEINGS!!! 

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PEOPLE!!! WAKE THE FUCK UP!!

We must hold each other and ourselves accountable for not only our actions but the subtle underlying beliefs that contribute to the injustices in the world around us.  The practice of self-inquiry may show you some belief that you weren't even conscious of.  It may show you a belief that you are ashamed of or feel guilty about.  It may be a belief that is really hard to look at.  What matters now is acknowledging and taking responsibility.  We all have the ability to evolve and grow or to stick our heads in the sand and pretend that we aren't part of the problem.  The choice is yours. 

I am you and you are me. This must become our shared belief. 

The man with the conch shell

I recently ran into a man that I had met only once a couple of years ago.  I greeted him with "it's nice to see you again."  To which he replied "it's nice to be seen."   That simple statement "it's nice to be seen." has been rolling around in my head for a couple of weeks now.  It reminded me of Mrs. Greene, the principle at the elementary school.

Mrs. Greene and I didn't always see eye to eye when Tayler was at Overlook but the year Jake started I had a change of heart.  It was Mrs. Greene who introduced me, and the whole school, to an African word, "Ubantu".   Ubantu, she explained, was a way to say I see you.  You are because I am.  It is a reminder of our shared humanity.   When children are acting out  they are seeking attention.  When Mrs. Greene would notice students not getting along she would say "Ubantu" to remind the children of the Ubantu philosophy:  I see you.  You and I are one.  She felt that if the children felt "seen" they would have less reason to act out. 

I've spent most of my life hiding.  Doing my best to blend into the background.  I choose the spot in the back of the room always.   I cringe when the Facebook notification says "someone has tagged you in a photo" And yet, there is an innate need to be seen.  

"It's nice to be seen" 

It is this innate need to be seen that causes some people to be boastful.  To be honest, I mentally slap people who act like Peacocks displaying their feathers.  I'm not proud of it but it's true.  I have no tolerance for people that constantly want to be the center of attention.  I want to scream at them: 

"YOU ARE NOT THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE!!" I hear myself thinking "Get over yourself'" when someone is trying hard to impress me with how wonderful they are and how much they have accomplished. Then I beat myself up for being so mean.  I tell myself that it's the green eyed monster of jealousy that is making me feel so irritated.   

In a moment of clarity I recognize myself in those peacocks.  I remember our shared humanity, Ubantu.  I remember that the same innate human desire to be seen is in me and in you.  How we express this desire may be different but it comes from the same place.  

It's nice to be seen but I have no control over what others see in me.  Instead, I will focus on making an effort to be more present with others so that I may SEE beyond the ego personality.   Who ARE we beyond our ego personality?  Can I see that within myself? Can I see it in others?  What does it feel like to really be seen?   

Ubantu... I see you.  I'm grateful to the man with the conch shell who reminded me "It's nice to be seen." 

Compassion

"Where's the compassion?"  I've spent a lot time thinking about  compassion since that question was posed to me.   First thing I did was look up the definition of compassion.

Compassion; noun  (online dictionary)
"sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortune of others." 

This is the one I liked the best:
"compassion literally means to suffer together." (greatergood.berkeley.edu)

Then I read a bunch of online articles about what compassion is. I consulted the Bhagavad Gita and the Upanishads.   I watched some podcasts about it.  I had resolved to learn everything I could about compassion.

At the end of my week long search I can say, with a fair amount of certainty, that where compassion is not is in my head.   What I did find in my head was a lot of negative self-talk.  I kept telling myself that I am somehow deficient in the "compassion department".   How can I feel compassion for people who have hurt me?  That's crazy!!  No way!!  I'm not feeling sorry for those people! 

Get out of your head and into your heart. 

This morning a sat for meditation with the thought that I had failed at finding compassion.  Sitting in front of my alter I prayed to the Divine Mother to show me the way.  There wasn't much time after meditation to journal. I was already running late for work but as I showered I felt myself getting angry.  

I am a compassionate person!!! and just like that... I found where compassion is.   It's in my heart.  It was as if the Divine Mother turned the light on in my heart. I could see clearly that love, empathy, and compassion are qualities of my true nature.  

Through out the day today I had flashes of memories.  Memories where I felt hurt or betrayed.    When I observed those memories I was seeing the actions of the other person.  It wasn't until I turned my focus inward towards myself that I was able to see "where the compassion was".  It was in my ability to forgive over and over.  It was in my ability to keep showing up wholeheartedly.  It was in my ability to see that the actions of the person doing the hurting were motivated by their own pain and suffering.  

The Divine Mother's light in my heart helped me to see that in my effort for self preservation I had hardened my heart.  At the time, it felt like the only way for me to free myself from the endless cycle of abuse that had become my dysfunctional marriage.  I had come to believe that my capacity for forgiveness was a sign of weakness.  I must  be stupid to have stayed in an unhealthy relationship for so long.  I was wrong, I wasn't stupid or weak.  I have compassion for the suffering of others.  I am blessed with a great capacity to "suffer together".  Feeling the pain and suffering of others as if it were my own is compassion.  

One of the articles I read said that compassion is not only feeling the suffering of others but also wanting to help.  The fact of the matter is that sometimes the most compassionate thing we can do to help someone is to show them that their actions have consequences.  I can be a compassionate person and maintain strong boundaries.  I can feel compassion for your suffering and  still hold you accountable for your actions when you use your suffering as an excuse to hurt others. 

Now, the work is to have compassion for myself and acknowledge that I am doing the very best I can.  Allowing myself to soften and open my heart again will take time, patience and self compassion.  I have faith that returning to my true nature will be worth the effort. 

"Where's the compassion?"  In the lotus of the heart.  Om Mani Padme Hum.

Good night to Swaha

Tonight feels like a good night to swaha. 

Swaha is what we say as we offer our intentions into the fire for transformation. 

Swaha is I offer, I release 

 I offer my gratitude 

Swaha!

 I release fear

Swaha!

 I offer myself in service

Swaha!

I release worry

Swaha!

I offer my heart with love and compassion

Swaha!

I release resentment 

Swaha!

I offer forgiveness to myself and others

Swaha! 

I release anger and frustration

Swaha!

I offer my home to anyone who needs a safe space

Swaha!

I release all that no longer services me 

Swaha! 

I offer kindness and understanding

Swaha

I release the heaviness in my heart

Swaha!

I offer my thoughts, words, and deeds as instruments of God's Divine Will.

Swaha!

I release my ego at the feet of the Divine Mother

Swaha! 

Reflections

“A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking, 

because her trust is not on the branch but on her own wings.

Always believe in yourself” – Unknown

Maybe it's seeing Facebook's "Year in review" posts or maybe it's that the New Year is fast approaching but I find myself spending a lot of time reflecting.   This morning the above quote came to mind.  "wings were made to fly" I kept thinking.  

2016 was a rough year

but

It's also the year I learned to fly

2016 was the year I got divorced

but

It's also the year I took my life back

2016 was the year of endings

but 

It's also the year of new beginnings

2016 was the year of hard lessons about friendship

but 

It's also the year I learned to be my own best friend

2016 was the year of sadness

but 

It's also the year I learned that I'm no longer afraid of the dark

2016 was the year of struggles

but 

It's also the year I learned how strong I am 

2016 was the year of financial challenges

but 

It's also the year I learned what I value most

2016 was the year when things fell apart

but 

It's also the year I learned how to build 

2016 was the year of much disappointment 

but

It's also the year I learned to see beauty in imperfection

2016 was the year I was blindsided and knocked off my center

but 

It's also the year I learned to fly

2016 was the year the branch broke 

but 

It's also the year I learned to put my trust in myself and not the branch

Uncertainty

Last week someone said to me "I'm struggling with the uncertainty of everything".   I could feel her pain while she spoke.  I could feel it so powerfully because I too struggle with the uncertainty of everything.  Whether it's about our health, finances, or even relationships, uncertainty is at the core of our struggle.

When I teach a yoga class I almost always share my own struggles as the theme for the practice. Having pondered uncertainty all week I decided to use it as the theme for today's class.  The focus of our practice was shifting the fear that comes from uncertainty to seeing it as holding the potential for something magnificent.  

The uncertainty I was thinking about was whether or not I would be staying in my house.  My mind has been so focused on the struggle.  I thought that I was on the right track when I started to look at the uncertainty as a great adventure but that was just the beginning.  Uncertainty holds infinite possibilities.

"Our greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another."   

As I continued the practice of shifting my perspective,  I started to wonder,  what was I certain of?     I expressed in class that there wasn't a damn thing that came to mind.  "You'll die." offered Cari.
Yes!  That is something that certainly will happen.   My thought wave shifted after that.  The perspective expanded.

What thoughts or emotions come up for you when you think about the fact that it's 100% guaranteed that you will die?  Can you see the potential it offers?  We can choose to stress over how, when, where, why...  or we can choose another thought.... How can I live today to the fullest?   

Note to self:   It's not about where I live, it's about HOW I live.  

When life serves up a heaping helping of uncertainty you have a choice. 

a) focus on all the terrible outcomes that may or may not happen 

or 

b) look at it as holding the potential for some magnificent adventure 

It doesn't come natural for me so I have to re-train my mind to see life as a great adventure filled with infinite possibilities.  Re-training the mind takes diligent effort in shifting the perspective.  Remember that we can't always choose the hand we're dealt but we certainly can choose our perspective.  

I pledge allegiance...

 my girl. Lu 

At times like this I remember something my friend, Jon said to me once.  "Yeah, but that's just how you think, right hon?"  I think of that often when I catch a thought pattern.  I've been tracing the thought patterns, trying to uncover the root of the pattern.  The belief behind the pattern.  It's been an interesting exercise.  Upon examination, some beliefs are completely bat-shit crazy, others seem fairly benign.  What I'm most curious about is where these beliefs started.  How was the seed planted? 

Once I trace the thought pattern back to the belief I have an option.  I get to decide if the belief is true, does it still serves me or is it  time to let it go.  The process does take way longer than I would like.  "There's got to be a better way." I tell myself.  If there is, I haven't figured it out yet.  When I do, I'll be sure to write a book and go on tour.  

I'm thinking of what Jon said because it's become increasing clear to me that Jon was right. Not everyone thinks like me.  Funny, isn't it?  I'm 45 years old and it's just now occurring to me that not everyone thinks like me. When Jon pointed this out to me I was shocked.  Then I wondered why everyone doesn't think like me.  "Life would be so much easier if everyone thought like me!" I tell him. ( Let's pause and give thanks that not everyone thinks like me.)

Loyalty 

Loyalty is what I'm contemplating.  Hence, my girl Lu in the picture.  When I try to figure out what my beliefs are around the concept of loyalty I come to conclusion that I must have been a dog in a previous life.  That's the only explanation I can come up with as to why I'm fiercely loyal.  

I would even say loyal to a fault.  It's hard to believe that being too loyal can be hazardous.  (Wait, I think that belief may be worth examining...)

What does loyalty mean exactly?  The dictionary says "A strong feeling of support or allegiance."  I like this definition.  It makes sense in my head.  What does it mean to you?   What does loyalty look like?  I am loyal to Wawa.  I only buy coffee at Wawa even though 7-eleven is closer and McDonald's is cheaper.  That's one example of  loyalty.  It means that I support and have an allegiance to people even when it's inconvenience or difficult.  I sometimes feel like loyalty is a lost art. Sort of like cursive handwriting or getting handwritten letters in the mail. 

In my continuing effort to see the beauty in life I'm shifting my focus.  I'm looking for examples of loyalty instead of crying about the lack of loyalty I've been noticing.  As Jon points out, not everyone thinks like me but that doesn't mean it should stand in the way of loyalty.  Even if our beliefs are different can't we still support one another's right to our individual beliefs?  Can we be loyal to each other at the fundamental level of our shared humanity? 

You may not think like me but I would bet that we have the same basic human desires.  We all want to be safe.  We all want to happy. We all want to be loved.  We all want to be healthy.  Perhaps we can be loyal to each other's pursuit of these basic human desires.  Can you support that? Can you pledge allegiance to working towards these shared goals? 

Look at my girl!  She is the best teacher of unconditional love and loyalty. If you don't know what it means to be loyal get a dog.  

Are you opening or closing? How does your choice feel?

I've often said that the greatest gift yoga has given me is the connections that I've made with some truly wonderful people.  Today was the perfect example.  After teaching yoga I had tea with a couple of the ladies that came to class.  It didn't take long to realize that God was serving the tea today. Turns out these two lovely ladies have walked in my shoes.  It was so helpful to hear their stories.

One of the women talked about her experience walking the Camino De Santiago.  The greatest lesson she learned during the Camino pilgrimage was how important it is for her to foster and nurture the relationships that are important to her.  The other woman talked about how close she is with her children.  How even though they don't get to spend a lot of time physically together she feels very connected to them.

With many of my relationships coming to an end and others strained I've been feeling disconnected. It seems easier to isolate rather than engage with people.  Endings seem inevitable so I wonder if it's even worth the effort of trying to connect with others.  Today I was reminded that personal connections feed my soul.  Spending time with people I love and care about is worth the effort.  What I hadn't considered before was that even the brief encounters are worth the effort.

As we sat outside the coffee shop a group of older women walked by.  One sassy lady stopped at our table and asked if we were enjoying our meal.  She was quite a character.  Dressed in her "Sunday Best",  she joked about watching her weight.  She was full of life and her cheerful demeanor made me smile.  I'll probably never see that woman again but she left an impression on me.  She was enjoying the summer afternoon with some friends... Maybe they were life long friends or maybe they just met. It didn't matter, they were enjoying each others company.

During meditation we are instructed to give our attention more to the mantra and less to the thoughts.  The thoughts will come and go but we continue to give our attention to the mantra.  Eventually, the thoughts become less and less distracting.  "What you give your attention to grows stronger in your life." 

This lesson holds true in daily living too.  We give attention to the relationships and connections that feed our soul.  There will be relationships that come and go.  There will be relationships that are very much one sided.  Rather than focusing on those experiences maybe we need to shift our focus to where we do feel connected.  "What you give your attention to grows stronger in your life."

I'm thinking now of Betheyla.  She was a teacher that I met years ago.  At the time, I had no idea the impact of that brief encounter on my life.  I can assure you that she had no idea how powerfully she affected the course of my life.  We just never know how much our connections affect others both the brief ones and the life long ones.

That sassy lady won't ever know how she made us smile and how her presence validated the message of the importance of nurturing and fostering connections. Whether brief or life long connections it's worth the effort.  For the 3rd time in 3 days I thought about the astrologer who told me it's my dharma to share the word of God with others.

Only now I'm realizing what that meant.  God is always sharing his message with us.  He speaks through the people we connect with.  We are all God's instruments.  It is our dharma to share the word of God with others.  How could we possibly do that if we don't foster and nurture our relationships with others?

Being human is hard

I'm feeling the inspiration to write and share my thoughts for the first time in months.  I want to speak my truth.  I want to express myself freely and authentically.  My old friend, self-doubt, whispers in my ear ... "remember what happened that time you spoke your mind?"   

It's been my experience that whenever I speak the truth in my heart  people get mad at me.  Years ago an astrologer told me that I need to take public speaking classes.  He told me it's my dharma to speak the word of God.   I laughed.  How can I speak the word of God to others when no one listens to me? How do I know if what I feel compelled to speak is the word of God or just my ego? 

My old friend, self-doubt, whispers in my ear...."why would anyone care to listen?"  "What could you possible contribute?"  "What could you say that hasn't already been said by someone else better?" 

I'm feeling the inspiration to write and share my thoughts for the first time in months.  At the same time, My old friend, self-doubt whispers in my ear... "Aren't there enough people mad at you already?" 

I've had this recurring dream for years now.   The details change but the essence of the dream is always the same.  I find myself in a crowded place like the mall,  sports event, or even the bank. I become aware that some sort of violence about to take place.  I'm the only one who notices. I try to warn people but no one is paying attention.  No one is listening.  I try frantically to get people's attention without getting myself killed.  At times it seems like I have to choose between protecting myself or protecting others.  I'm trying to protect others without bringing any attention to myself.

In the dream, and in my life it seems, when I feel strongly compelled to say something that I know to be my authentic truth I am faced with that same decision.  Do I speak up in an effort to protect others when I know that ultimately, it may hurt me?  I can't really explain it.  At times, the feeling that I need to say something is so strong.  The feeling is persistent.  It's like being in that dream knowing that if I don't speak up someone is going to get hurt.   That's the only way I can explain it.   The thing is that in the waking state the danger isn't so obvious. That's what makes it harder to decide if what I'm feeling compelled to share is worth the risk.  

It's late, I'm not making any sense.  Tonight, it doesn't feel like what I have to say is worth the risk. Instead of  sharing the rant that hijacked my mind the last couple of  days I'll leave you with a few questions to ponder.

*  Is enlightenment for sale? 

*  What are the qualifications to call yourself a master? 

*  Can you buy healing? 

*  Why is there a price tag on sangha? 

*  With so many "masters" and "healers" in yoga-land why is the world still so fucked up? 

*  Will we repair our  moral compass or are we destined for complete self-destruction? 

Being human is hard.  I'm trying to feel compassion for people who are doing things that make me want to smack them.   I remind myself that being human is hard for all of us.  We're all fighting demons, we're all trying to "win" at this game called life.   What makes the game so hard is that it seems we all have different rules.  Imagine playing the game Life but using  Monopoly pieces and the rules from Twister.  

Om Namah Shivaya

The End...

I officially filed the divorce papers last week.  It was surprisingly simple.  I showed up at the courthouse, signed my name and paid a fee.  It's done?  Is that it?  The end of a 25 year marriage over with a signature and $330.  Seemed so strange. Almost anti-climatic.  As I drove home I wondered why there wasn't some sort of ceremony for divorce.  What's an appropriate reaction? Congratulations?  My condolences?  

The past 2 years, since the separation, have been a roller coaster of emotions. I was surprised that when I left the courthouse the only emotion I felt was relief.  I have spent 2 years grieving.  It's strange though.  When a loved one dies, there's a funeral.  Your family and friends come to support you as you say your good-byes.  The grieving is expected.   The emotions I felt at the end of my marriage were much the same.  Once the anger, resentment, and fear passed what was left was grief.  I didn't expect that.  What was even more difficult was holding space for my children to grieve and work through their own pain.  I would go to work and teach my classes.  I would make dinner and clean the house.  I would do the grocery shopping and fulfill my obligations.  Grieving and processing in private.  Doing what needed to be done while experiencing the most intense emotional turmoil I had ever faced.

I am grateful for my yoga practice.  It was through my sadhana that I was able to truly process the emotions.  It was my sadhana that gave me the strength and courage to walk through the darkness. I didn't numb my emotions.  I didn't run from my feelings.  Firmly established in my sadhana I was able to face each tidal wave of emotion head on.  For that I'm grateful.

The most difficult challenges we face in our lives become our greatest teachers.  With this thought in mind I decided that my divorce ritual will be a thank you letter.   It will go something like this...

Dear Ex,

Thank you for the craziness....It ignited the fire within me to seek out peace.
Thank you for your harshness .... It helped me appreciate kindness.
Thank you for making me feel less than... It gave me the drive to be the best version of myself.
Thank you for not being supportive.... It taught me to be self-sufficient.
Thank you for not providing... It made me a hard worker.
Thank you for teaching me what love isn't.... I now know what love is.
Thank you for the constant fighting... It made me appreciate harmony.
Thank you for abandoning me.... It taught me that I am stronger than I ever imagined.

In gratitude...
The End

My new friend, Saraswati

I should begin by saying that I have not done any sadhana to Saraswati.  At least not yet.  I've always heard that she is the Goddess of music, art, dance.  I've always thought that only musicians or artists did sadhana to Saraswati.  I was wrong.  She is inspiration itself,  pure consciousness.

The story goes that in the beginning Brahma, the creator, asked "How do I bring order to this chaos?"
Saraswati answered "With knowledge.  Knowledge helps man find possibilities where once he saw problems."  What I didn't know is that Saraswati is the Goddess of knowledge.  "She is the river of consciousness that enlivens creation."

That story struck home for me because my life has felt like complete and total chaos for the last couple of years.  I recently went to talk to a counselor who basically said the same thing to me.  Her advice was "Knowledge is power." She set me on track to find the information that I needed to bring order to the chaos I was facing.  It was quite empowering.

Saraswati is creativity.  She is inspiration. She governs over our speech.  Her energy embodies the power of discernment. It's said that if you were to pour milk into the lake, Saraswati's swan could separate the milk from the water and only drink the milk.  It is her gift of discernment that allows us the ability to separate truth from untruth.

Honestly, while I was reading,  I was surprised at how powerfully I was drawn to her.
Goddess, Lakshmi, is about using the senses to enjoy all the beauty in life,  Saraswati is more simple, clear, pure.  She's more interested in meditation, higher learning, wisdom.

"The question arose: who did Vishnu, the preserver,  need more? Lakshmi or Saraswati? Wealth or Knowledge?......Vishnu replies... "I need both knowledge and wealth to sustain the cosmos. Without knowledge, I cannot plan.  Without wealth, I cannot implement a plan.  Wealth sustains life; the arts give value to life.  Thus both Saraswati and Lakshmi are needed to live a full life." ~ Devi, Devdutt Pattanaik

Again, this is powerful for me personally.  I tend to appreciate practicality over beauty.  I look at something beautiful and while I can appreciate it's beauty I do not always see the value in it.   My mind doesn't see the value in something that has no practical, useful purpose.  This is a mental pattern that I'm working to change.  I look at some shinny, beautiful thing and I immediately ask "What's it's purpose?"  Instead of passing it by when I can't think of a useful purpose I try to remember that "beautifying my environment" is it's purpose.  

Both Saraswati and Lakshmi are needed to live a full life.  I have a feeling I'll be writing more about Saraswati in the future but for now here's her mantra.

OM AIM HRIM SARAWATYAI NAMAHA
Om, I bow to the flowing one whose essence is wisdom and the power to manifest

Use her mantra when you need some inspiration, when you are learning something new, when you need to give an important talk or speech.  Invoke her energy when you need help finding a solution to a problem or when you're making music or art.

 ~Awakening Shakti, Sally Kempton 

Jai Durga Ma

Let me preface by reminding you that I am not a Vedic scholar.  I am a spiritual seeker sharing my own personal experiences and thoughts.   My intention for this post is to share my experience with the Goddess, Durga.

First, I want to tell you the story of how I came to know Durga.  During my yoga teacher training program one of the guest teachers, Bonnie Pariser, asked me a few questions about some lower back pain I was feeling.  "Do you know Durga?" she asked me.  When I told her I didn't she told me that Durga creates a protective shield around you and fights the righteous fight for you until you are strong enough to fight along side her. I had not yet made the connection between emotional and physical pain so I didn't understand what she was telling me.

It wasn't until a year or so later that I remembered what Bonnie had said.  I was reading my friend, Susan Bertolino's blog one day and I noticed a beautiful image on the side bar.  I asked her about it and she told me it was a Durga Yantra.  (A yantra is a mystical diagram used for worship of deities)
That's when I remembered the story from yoga teacher training.  I decided to google Durga. One of the first links to come up was for a temple not far from where I live.  As I was reading the temple web-site I got a call from my daughter.  Her boyfriend needed to visit a temple for his religion class and wanted to know if I would go with him.  Turns out that  the temple he was going to was the same Durga temple that I was reading about.

The synchronicity continued.....

Not long after my visit to the Durga temple with the boy who eventually became my son-in-law I met a Vedic Astrologer that was visiting from Oregon.  (I'll save the story of the synchronicity of how we met for another post.)  At the end of his first visit to our studio we were saying good-bye. He told me that he wanted to give me something that belonged to his mother.  It was a beautiful image of Durga. I've carried that image with me ever since.   This gift represents, for me,  the story of the Goddess that I resonate with the most.

The story goes that none of the Gods could defeat the evil demon that was terrorizing the three worlds so they all came together to find a solution. After meditating, they decided that they would each offer up their own "super power" into the fire.  It was out of their combined offering that the warrior, Durga  manifested.  She was easily able to defeat the demon and the three worlds were protected from evil.  This story illustrates the power of the collective.

What I learned from doing sadhana to Durga is this:

We have a moral obligation to protect those who are not strong enough to fight the righteous fight.   That doesn't mean encouraging co-dependency.  It means holding space for someone while they do the work necessary to find their own inner strength.  Doing the inner work is a lot easier when you know someone has your back while you are in the vulnerable state of working through  your stuff.   Hold the space for someone and ask for support when you need someone else to hold the space for you.  Remember  "all that evil needs to succeed is for good people to stand by and  do nothing."   Don't stand by and do nothing when you see someone in need of help or protection. 

Collaboration is more powerful than competition.  Can you offer your ego into the fire to benefit the whole?  We each have unique gifts to offer and when we come together in community and combine our efforts for the greater good we can move mountains.  Remember the old saying "It takes a village to raise a child."?  In collaboration anything and everything is possible.

Change the thinking of I and mine to we and ours.  There's no doubt that most mothers would fight a lion to protect their child.  Think of the power behind all mothers and fathers standing up to protect ALL the children?  It can no longer be about my children verses your children.  It needs to be about OUR children.  Even further, there needs to be a shift from protecting my home to protecting OUR home, Mother Earth.   It's time to actually start practicing what we're preaching and see the oneness in all of life and move towards the unity that will accomplish greatness.

Om Hreem Shreem Dum Durgayai Namaha 

What do I have to offer?

What do I have to offer?? This is the thought that has hijacked my mind for weeks and weeks. 

What do I have to offer? Authenticity, vulnerablity and a heaping helping of "I don't know!". That's what I have to offer.

 

I'm learning to be ok in the not knowing. I'm ok with admitting that I don't have all the answers. I'm not an expert. Some days, it takes everything in me to just get my ass out of bed.  Some days I show up at my desk and look down to notice I'm wearing  two different shoes or that my shirt is on inside out.   I make mistakes.  I get angry, I get depressed.  I get overwhelmed.  What do I have to offer? 

 

Some days I say "What the fuck!!!"  47 times before lunch.  Some days I eat French fries for dinner.  Sometimes I have a perfectly good lesson plan ready but half way through the class I get distracted and forget what I had planned. 

 

What do I have to offer?  Most days I spend the whole day counting the minutes until I can go home, take off my bra and crawl under the covers.  Some days, I roll out my yoga mat  and with all good intentions I begin with Surya Namaskar only to spend the next hour in savasana after the first round.

 

Some days, I experience sensory over-load and my head spins, my heart races and I fight the urge the puke.  Some days, I honestly don't know if I'm coming or going.  Some days, I feel like giving up. 

What do I have to offer?  

 

Self-doubt is my constant companion.  Feelings of not being good enough, not doing enough, not working hard enough are so familiar that they feel like my own skin.  What do I have to offer?

 

I can offer my own struggles. I can offer my authentically, messy self.  I can offer my story.  I have learned some tools that have helped me.  I have had some experiences that have taken me to the brink and back.  I have walked through the "dark night of soul"  ( which, incidentally, lasted longer than a night).  What do I have to offer?  My own experience with all the messy human emotions that no one wants to talk about.  

 

What do I have to offer?   I can offer you what I, myself need.  A couple of years ago when my world turned upside down I remember someone saying to me "You'll be ok.  You have a lot of family and friends to support you."  The fact of the matter is that everyone thinks that someone else is offering support so no one actually does.  The biggest source of my distress has been when people say things like "I'm here for you."  "If you need anything call me."  The truth of the matter is that when I have reached out and asked for support I have been disappointed to find that  most people don't actually mean those things.

What do I have to offer?  Myself.  Authentically, Vulnerably, messy ME.   What do I have to offer?  Exactly what I need is what I wholeheartedly offer.  I was recently reminded that when I can't find what I need it's a sign that what I need is what I am meant to offer. "It is in giving that I receive". 

I don't know what that will look like exactly but I'm learning to be ok with not knowing and leaving the details up to God.  In the words of Kirtan Soul Revival.... "I release and I let go. I let the spirit run my life..."

 

Om Namah Shivaya!

 

 

 

 

If you want to go East just don't go West.

There is no greater friend in the world than our will

 and there is no greater enemy in the world than our will. 

For the past week or so I've been reading a book by Eknath Easwaran called Essence of the Upanishads, A key to Indian Spirituality.  Have I mentioned how much I love Easwaran's work?
The simplicity with which he delivers the ancient yoga teachings is what makes his work so powerful.

Often times, as I stand at a crossroad of my life I experience fear, self-doubt, confusion.  Life becomes overwhelming.  During those times, even the simplest tasks feel monumental.  The Upanishads have been my road map when I'm lost.

Our greatest weapon against stress is our ability

 to choose one thought over another.

One of the simple, yet profound quotes from Easwaran's book is "If you want to go East just don't go West."  It really is that simple.  My teacher, Shiva Das, used to tell me "Just do the next right thing in each moment."   It really is that simple.   We give attention to those things in our life that we want to grow.  I want more mental clarity and peace of mind.  How I achieve those states of being is to make them a priority.   Will drinking alcohol or eating Doritos bring me closer to my goal of mental clarity and peace of mind? or take me further away?  It's that simple. 

When our will is our friend, the choices are easy.  When our will is our enemy making healthy choices is a much more difficult task.  The key to achieving the life we want lies in the strength of our will.  That's the good news.   According to Easwaran, the will can be strengthened by exercising it.  

As I continue to practice making friends with my will I have found some useful tips. 

* Keep it simple

Remember, if you want to go East just don't go West.  Are my actions and thoughts taking me closer to my goal or further away? 

* Hold space

Allowing a bit of space between the experience/challenge and the response/reaction helps me make conscious choices instead of reacting from impulse.   When a building collapses we need to wait for the dust to clear before we can assess the damage and before we can rebuild we need to clear the debris.  The same holds true for any trauma.  First, let the dust settle, assess where the work needs to be done.  Clear the debris before you rebuild.  Constructing a new building over the ruins of the old one will not provide the stability needed to withstand the next storm. 

*Be honest with yourself 

Avoiding the truth will always come back and bite you in the ass.  Hiding, numbing, avoiding only prolongs your suffering. "You have to feel it to heal it".   Don't hang pretty wallpaper to cover up the crumbing wall.  Easwaran explains it like embroidering the seat belts in the car but not taking care of the engine. 

*That which you give your attention to grows stronger in your life

Nothing grows unless you give it your attention.  No matter how much I love this beautiful Gardenia plant if I put it in the corner and ignore it there's no doubt that it will die.   The more I give my attention to finding beauty the more beauty I see.  The more attention I give to seeing God's Grace the more I feel supported.  The more attention I give to those people and things that bring me joy the more joy I experience.  

*Take action

We can pretend to be a victim of our circumstances or we can take our power back.  I imagine it like a sailboat.  We can set out on our little sailboat and allow the winds to push and pull us here and there and we can sit back and play victim when we don't reach our destination  or we can lift the sails and adjust them as needed.  That way the winds of our life will be the energy we need to direct our little boat towards our destination.  There will always be storms. Whether we use them as fuel for our spiritual evolution or we allow them to get us stuck in the mud is up to us.  The choice is ours. 

It's really that simple. Ultimately, every time we engage our will and make the choice that takes us towards our goal, no matter how small the step is, we are strengthening our will.   When our will is our friend we will surely reach our goal. 

Om Namah Shivaya! 

Make me an instrument...

Prayer of St. Francis

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace, 

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; 

to be understood as to understand; 

to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive; 

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; 

and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

I've been saying this prayer since I was a child.  Today, I felt like I was living this prayer... Or rather, the prayer was living me.  I have the great privilege of taking part in a sacred circle sharing teachings that I feel so passionately about with a group of amazing women.  

As I take my seat in the sacred circle  I acknowledge and bow to all the teachers who have shared the profound teachings of yoga with me. I ask for their blessing and pray that I may become an instrument for God's Grace.  

As I take my seat in the sacred circle I recognize myself in the faces of each and every other woman in that circle.  Each one bringing to the circle their own struggles and their own profound wisdom.  Each of us showing up with open hearts and open minds. 

It is in giving that we receive.... I was presented with an opportunity to practice this.  I am grateful that I had the clarity of mind to recognize this opportunity.  The opportunity also helped me to understand that perhaps the reason I experienced the recent "trauma" was to prepare me for the opportunity to give what I, myself,  needed to receive.  So often I struggle with the perception that all these bad things are happening TO me.  Today I had the realization that these "struggles" are actually happening FOR me.  

Today, I felt the Grace of God flowing through me as I shared the sacred teachings of the Upanishads with this group of amazing women.  As the teachings flowed through me each word was meant for me.  It was in giving that I received.  Each word that passed through my heart felt like the hand of God healing my shattered heart. One piece at a time.  Where there was despair...hope,  Where there was darkness...light,  Where there is injury...Pardon.  Where there was sadness...joy. 

In the words of my mother... "God loves me... He really loves me."  

Sometimes, I feel like I need to pinch myself.  How luck am I that I get to share the teachings that I feel so passionately about in sacred circles with some truly remarkable people.  And How lucky am I to have a friend who made that possible? I am eternally grateful to her for having more confidence in me than I had in myself. 

How lucky am I that in the process of sharing God's message I receive the message I've been seeking?  

It's no fun living in a "fun-house"

Do you remember going to the carnival when you were a kid?  Do you remember the fun-house? The floors would move under your feet, you would look into a mirror and your reflection would be all distorted.  Nothing was ever as it seemed.  I never understood why people would think those things were fun.  

Lately, I've had these recurring thoughts that go something like this "What the fuck happened? How did I get here?  What is going on?"  Nothing is ever what it seems.  The ground beneath me keeps shifting and moving.  Everything seems distorted.  I can't figure out which end is up.  I desperately search for the exit out of this "fun-house" but behind every corner there is another challenge or obstacle.  Every time I think I have found the way I hit another wall.  This is not at all what I imagined my life would look like. 

It's so hard to see God's plan for us. It's so hard to understand why God's plan includes such suffering. It's so hard to trust when you don't know what's real from what's illusion.  Some people seem to thrive in illusion/delusion.  I envy those people.  There's no doubt that our past experiences color how we see things.  The past sometimes causes us to have a distorted view of current experiences.  But how do we know for sure if it's delusion or intuition?  

Over the past few years I started following my intuition even when my brain was telling me that it was crazy.  I would say things to people when I felt a strong impulse to say something even when my brain was telling me it was crazy.  I took action based solely on my intuition even when everyone thought I was crazy.  There have been times when I felt so connected and so clear that I stopped doubting and questioning my intuition. 

Then everything changed.  Hence the thought "What the fuck happened?"  How did I end up in the fun-house?  Why is everything distorted?   Things aren't suppose to be like this.  This is not what my life was suppose to look like.  Naturally my mind immediately goes to "what did I do wrong?" I'm catching myself thinking "I try to be a good person so why me?"  This thought, of course, brings up the feeling that since I'm experiencing emotional suffering I must not have been good enough otherwise I wouldn't be suffering.  Now, I've done enough inner work to know that these thoughts are counterproductive.  

The flow of God's grace is always there like the sun hidden behind the clouds.   My mind may be cloudy and confused but I have faith that God's grace is still there. I don't understand the reasons why these challenges and obstacles have been thrown at me.   I don't understand the reasons for the pain and suffering.  One thing I do know for sure is that it's not a punishment for not being good enough. 

The other thing I do know for sure is that when the world around me seems distorted and scary, when the ground beneath keeps shifting, when I can't tell what's real from what's delusion I need to pray.  The challenges and obstacles are God's way of calling us back to our center.  We have strayed and God needs to get our attention.  The only way out is in.  Meditation and complete surrender to God is the way back to our center.  I'll meet you there.... 

Love anyway.

When does the practice of Svadhyaya, self-inquiry, become obsession and self-destructive?  It's interesting to me that even the spiritual practices can become a hindrance.  These practices we engage as a means to bring us closer to the Divine can become tools for the ego to take us further away from God.  

I came across the picture above on the 100 days of Beauty facebook page. The page was started as a way to share my sadhana to Venus with others and to hold myself accountable.I had committed to looking for beauty everyday for 100 days. With the help of my friends, the posts on the page have inspired me and filled my life with so much beauty.  When I struggle to see beauty in the chaos of my own life it helps me to see the beauty others have found.  

This picture, struck a nerve though.  I have been contemplating love a great deal lately.  I've used this idea of self-inquiry to examine my relationship with love.  But self-inquiry has turned into self-destruction.  I have been picking myself apart for not being able to love good enough and not being lovable enough. It's the same song and dance. I'm not enough.  If only I had not said this.  If only I had done that. If only I was more like this or less like that then I'd be lovable.  

This self-destruction disguised as self-inquiry has even gone so far as to point out how stupid I am for loving people when they don't love me back.  How stupid can I be to continue to feel love for someone who clearly doesn't feel the same about me?  

Then today, I came across this picture.  I'm reading a book by St. Teresa of Avila so when I was scrolling through the posts this one jumped out at me.   Love cannot be bought.  It can't be stolen, it cannot be cajoled, it cannot be seduced.  Only genuine love begets love. 

How do we know if it's genuine love we are feeling or we're trying to seduce or cajole?  How do we know if it's genuine love or co-dependency? If my love doesn't beget love does that mean its not genuine?

If I love you six units and you don't return six units and I don't withdraw my six units does that make me stupid or does that mean it's genuine love?   How do we know if it's genuine love or simply an inability to let go?  I tend to get attached to people.  When they inevitably disappear from my life I suffer.  My head says that I should withdraw my "six units of love".  My heart doesn't agree. 

My teacher says, the heart is the gateway between our humanity and our Divinity.  Seems to me that it's also the gateway to mass confusion for some of us.  

How can we tell if it's genuine love we feel or unhealthy attachment? 

St. Teresa says that if we don't learn to love we will suffer.  My experience has been that even if we do love we may still suffer.  Or... Does the fact that it's causing suffering mean it's not genuine? 

Maybe I am stupid.  Maybe I am too attached to people.  Maybe it is unhealthy to be attached to people who don't, for whatever reason, offer the same six units of love back to me. 

I'll follow my heart instead of my ego and error on the side of love.  I will follow the example of the Saints and Sages and continue to offer my heart.  As long as my motivation for love is genuine and unconditional whether or not it's returned or received the way I intend is none of my business. 

Love begets love.... But even if it doesn't, love anyway. 

Being able to love even after your heart has been broken into a million pieces is a beautiful thing.  Having the tools to recognize that the same song and dance of the ego no longer serve me is a beautiful thing. 

We are made in the image of God.  How can we ever be "not good enough"?    

Deconstruction in progress

Letting go of delusion is painful.  It feels like my skin is being ripped off inch by inch.  The pain is searing and I fear that I won't survive.  The "me" I thought I was will most definitely not survive.  It would be impossible to survive the deconstruction that is happening.

I fear the pain, I fear what it will be like to move through life in such a raw and vulnerable state.  I fear how others will react.  I fear the validation of my beliefs.  I fear that there's no end to the delusion.  I wonder if the saying is true.  Is the evil you know better than the evil you don't know?

If my strength and self-sufficiency have been a delusion does that mean that my perceived flaws are also a delusion?  There is just as much possibility that what's beyond the delusion is liberating and wonderful as there is that it will be scary and horrible. Is it possible that feeling empty is a blessing?

I find myself resisting my practice. I'm resisting because it is the very thing that's causing the delusion to fall apart.  The delusion has been my means of protection.  Without it I'm exposed.  I'm standing naked in the middle of my life.  Vulnerability is scary.  Who will protect me?

Om Hreem Shreem Dum Durgaya Namaha     

Since I was nine years old I have played the role of mother and protector.  In reality I was just a child in need of mothering and protection.   The delusion of strength and self-sufficiency was necessary and served me well for many years.  Sadly, though, it has also become a hindrance.   I've worn the delusion for so long that I began to believe it was my own skin rather than a suite of amour that can be removed when the battle was over. 

I was reminded yesterday that the reason I feel vulnerable, alone, and without protection is because I have forgotten the presence  of God.  It is the hand of God that is systematically removing the delusion.  It is no longer needed.  The suit of amour is no longer necessary when I remember the presence of God.  

Yes, it is painful.  Like the pain of surgery when the doctor has to cut away disease so that the patient can heal and be whole again.  When God is the surgeon what is there to fear?