I fear the pain, I fear what it will be like to move through life in such a raw and vulnerable state. I fear how others will react. I fear the validation of my beliefs. I fear that there's no end to the delusion. I wonder if the saying is true. Is the evil you know better than the evil you don't know?
If my strength and self-sufficiency have been a delusion does that mean that my perceived flaws are also a delusion? There is just as much possibility that what's beyond the delusion is liberating and wonderful as there is that it will be scary and horrible. Is it possible that feeling empty is a blessing?
I find myself resisting my practice. I'm resisting because it is the very thing that's causing the delusion to fall apart. The delusion has been my means of protection. Without it I'm exposed. I'm standing naked in the middle of my life. Vulnerability is scary. Who will protect me?
Om Hreem Shreem Dum Durgaya Namaha
Since I was nine years old I have played the role of mother and protector. In reality I was just a child in need of mothering and protection. The delusion of strength and self-sufficiency was necessary and served me well for many years. Sadly, though, it has also become a hindrance. I've worn the delusion for so long that I began to believe it was my own skin rather than a suite of amour that can be removed when the battle was over.
I was reminded yesterday that the reason I feel vulnerable, alone, and without protection is because I have forgotten the presence of God. It is the hand of God that is systematically removing the delusion. It is no longer needed. The suit of amour is no longer necessary when I remember the presence of God.
Yes, it is painful. Like the pain of surgery when the doctor has to cut away disease so that the patient can heal and be whole again. When God is the surgeon what is there to fear?