Lately, I've had these recurring thoughts that go something like this "What the fuck happened? How did I get here? What is going on?" Nothing is ever what it seems. The ground beneath me keeps shifting and moving. Everything seems distorted. I can't figure out which end is up. I desperately search for the exit out of this "fun-house" but behind every corner there is another challenge or obstacle. Every time I think I have found the way I hit another wall. This is not at all what I imagined my life would look like.
It's so hard to see God's plan for us. It's so hard to understand why God's plan includes such suffering. It's so hard to trust when you don't know what's real from what's illusion. Some people seem to thrive in illusion/delusion. I envy those people. There's no doubt that our past experiences color how we see things. The past sometimes causes us to have a distorted view of current experiences. But how do we know for sure if it's delusion or intuition?
Over the past few years I started following my intuition even when my brain was telling me that it was crazy. I would say things to people when I felt a strong impulse to say something even when my brain was telling me it was crazy. I took action based solely on my intuition even when everyone thought I was crazy. There have been times when I felt so connected and so clear that I stopped doubting and questioning my intuition.
Then everything changed. Hence the thought "What the fuck happened?" How did I end up in the fun-house? Why is everything distorted? Things aren't suppose to be like this. This is not what my life was suppose to look like. Naturally my mind immediately goes to "what did I do wrong?" I'm catching myself thinking "I try to be a good person so why me?" This thought, of course, brings up the feeling that since I'm experiencing emotional suffering I must not have been good enough otherwise I wouldn't be suffering. Now, I've done enough inner work to know that these thoughts are counterproductive.
The flow of God's grace is always there like the sun hidden behind the clouds. My mind may be cloudy and confused but I have faith that God's grace is still there. I don't understand the reasons why these challenges and obstacles have been thrown at me. I don't understand the reasons for the pain and suffering. One thing I do know for sure is that it's not a punishment for not being good enough.
The other thing I do know for sure is that when the world around me seems distorted and scary, when the ground beneath keeps shifting, when I can't tell what's real from what's delusion I need to pray. The challenges and obstacles are God's way of calling us back to our center. We have strayed and God needs to get our attention. The only way out is in. Meditation and complete surrender to God is the way back to our center. I'll meet you there....