Finding my way home
I've been trying and trying to post for weeks. Something always prevented me. Interestingly, I have a recurring dream in which I'm trying and trying to get home but something is always preventing me.
In the dream it's weird stuff like the sidewalk moves, the solid ground beneath my feet turns to quicksand. Doors won't open. In real life, the things that have been preventing me have been equally weird,
One of those weird things is having difficulty finding words to adequately express what I want to express. In my dream I keep trying to get back home, no matter what the obstacle, no matter how exhausted I am. I'm going to take that as a lesson that even though I'm having difficulty finding words I will keep trying. So.... Here goes.
You see my life has been turned upside down over the past year. The difficulties, obstacles, challenges, whatever you want to call them, are being thrown at me faster and with more force than ever before. There isn't even time to catch my breath before the next one comes. That's not the strange part, that's just life sometimes.
The strange part is that with each chaotic, traumatic event, I have noticed a small part of me that isn't freaking out. This small part of me is witnessing the events of my life in a state of awe. The witness can look at each trauma and see the beauty in the destruction. The witness isn't wearing the glasses of past experience nor the glasses of emotions. From the view point of the witness, vision is crystal clear.
Each challenge is an opportunity to change and grow. Every destructive experience offers an opportunity to rebuild something stronger and more durable. Each storm offers a clearing away of things that have served their purpose which allows the space needed for new growth.
I'm not suggesting that trauma and destruction do not come with a significant amount of pain. I'd be lying if I told you that my heart hasn't felt the searing pain of trauma. I'd be lying if I told you that my ego hasn't been gripped by fear at the destruction. What I'm telling you is that there is a small part of me that is in a state of calm awareness. A part of me that is beyond my heart and beyond my ego. This part of me is in awe. In awe of the beauty that lies beyond the trauma and destruction. In awe of the beauty that is infinite possibilities.
At this point in my evolutionary process I have only gotten glimpses of this small part of me that is the witness. The glimpses are enough to reassure me of the existence of the witness. The glimpses are enough to reassure me that the experiences of my life, no matter how painful, serve some higher purpose than what the heart and ego can understand. The glimpses are enough to encourage me to keep trying and trying to get back home. Back home to my true nature. Which I have come to understand is that small, calm place within my Self where I can witness the events of my life from a state of awe.
I trust in the Divine Will. Regardless of how weird the circumstance of my life are and how difficult it is to catch my breath sometimes, I will keep trying to get back home.
Om Namaha Shivaya!