This may come as a surprise to you but I tend to obsess about things. What I obsess most about are my children. I worry constantly about every decision I make and how it's affecting them. Am I doing enough for them? Am I doing too much? Should I baby them more or should I make them more independent. I sometimes listen to other moms talking and I worry because I don't do the things they do for their kids. My kids are pretty independent. Most times I feel good about that. Until I start to worry that they are going to grow up feeling like I didn't take care of them enough. My friend, YogaLu, told me once that I shouldn't worry so much because everyone ends up in therapy anyway and I'm just giving them more to talk about. That just made me worry about what their future therapist is going to think of me.
My boy is mad at me. He thinks I don't love him because I won't give him McDonald's for dinner. I tell him that it's because I do love him that I don't feed him fast food. He tells me I don't love him because I won't buy him another pair of KD sneakers. I tell him that it's because I love him that I want him to learn to appreciate that he has all that he needs. He tells me that I'm mean and don't love him because I insist that he take a shower or at least wash his face and hands. I tell him that it's because I love him that I want him to have clean hands when he's eating. (I'll pretend not to notice that he's eating with his hands as long as they are clean.)
When they are sick or sad and I pull them onto my lap to hug and kiss them they know I love them. When I scold them for running into the street, or not doing their school work, or being mean to their siblings they don't recognize that it's love too. When I have to say no to them they don't see the pain in my own heart caused by the disappointment on their faces. It's still love. Nothing in the world hurts more than when my children are mad at me. I would die for them without a moments hesitation and when they tell me that I don't love them my heart aches. It's still love.
Since my days in Catholic school I have always held the image of the Divine Mother as being soft, loving, kind and supportive. That's love. Last week we went to see some new puppies. Their mother was freaking out. Barking and growling and ready to chase us out the door. She was fiercely protecting her babies. It's still love.
Our Divine Mother provides us with exactly what we need. Sometimes it comes in the soft flow of her Grace that embraces us when we are feeling lost or scared. Other times it comes in the form of a Divine smack-down when we are making choices that move us further away from Her. It's still love.
When we are experiencing life as harsh and unloving I do believe it's love too. It's the love of the Divine Mother asking us to look at how we are not loving ourselves and others. Sometimes children need the loving embrace and sweet kisses of their mother. Other times they need the "wooden spoon". (my Italian family and friends will get this reference) It's still love.
I love my children to the moon and back that's why sometimes they don't like me. It's still love. The Divine Mother loves us to the moon and back that's why sometimes I don't get what I want. It's still love.