It's no fun living in a "fun-house"

Do you remember going to the carnival when you were a kid?  Do you remember the fun-house? The floors would move under your feet, you would look into a mirror and your reflection would be all distorted.  Nothing was ever as it seemed.  I never understood why people would think those things were fun.  

Lately, I've had these recurring thoughts that go something like this "What the fuck happened? How did I get here?  What is going on?"  Nothing is ever what it seems.  The ground beneath me keeps shifting and moving.  Everything seems distorted.  I can't figure out which end is up.  I desperately search for the exit out of this "fun-house" but behind every corner there is another challenge or obstacle.  Every time I think I have found the way I hit another wall.  This is not at all what I imagined my life would look like. 

It's so hard to see God's plan for us. It's so hard to understand why God's plan includes such suffering. It's so hard to trust when you don't know what's real from what's illusion.  Some people seem to thrive in illusion/delusion.  I envy those people.  There's no doubt that our past experiences color how we see things.  The past sometimes causes us to have a distorted view of current experiences.  But how do we know for sure if it's delusion or intuition?  

Over the past few years I started following my intuition even when my brain was telling me that it was crazy.  I would say things to people when I felt a strong impulse to say something even when my brain was telling me it was crazy.  I took action based solely on my intuition even when everyone thought I was crazy.  There have been times when I felt so connected and so clear that I stopped doubting and questioning my intuition. 

Then everything changed.  Hence the thought "What the fuck happened?"  How did I end up in the fun-house?  Why is everything distorted?   Things aren't suppose to be like this.  This is not what my life was suppose to look like.  Naturally my mind immediately goes to "what did I do wrong?" I'm catching myself thinking "I try to be a good person so why me?"  This thought, of course, brings up the feeling that since I'm experiencing emotional suffering I must not have been good enough otherwise I wouldn't be suffering.  Now, I've done enough inner work to know that these thoughts are counterproductive.  

The flow of God's grace is always there like the sun hidden behind the clouds.   My mind may be cloudy and confused but I have faith that God's grace is still there. I don't understand the reasons why these challenges and obstacles have been thrown at me.   I don't understand the reasons for the pain and suffering.  One thing I do know for sure is that it's not a punishment for not being good enough. 

The other thing I do know for sure is that when the world around me seems distorted and scary, when the ground beneath keeps shifting, when I can't tell what's real from what's delusion I need to pray.  The challenges and obstacles are God's way of calling us back to our center.  We have strayed and God needs to get our attention.  The only way out is in.  Meditation and complete surrender to God is the way back to our center.  I'll meet you there.... 

Love anyway.

When does the practice of Svadhyaya, self-inquiry, become obsession and self-destructive?  It's interesting to me that even the spiritual practices can become a hindrance.  These practices we engage as a means to bring us closer to the Divine can become tools for the ego to take us further away from God.  

I came across the picture above on the 100 days of Beauty facebook page. The page was started as a way to share my sadhana to Venus with others and to hold myself accountable.I had committed to looking for beauty everyday for 100 days. With the help of my friends, the posts on the page have inspired me and filled my life with so much beauty.  When I struggle to see beauty in the chaos of my own life it helps me to see the beauty others have found.  

This picture, struck a nerve though.  I have been contemplating love a great deal lately.  I've used this idea of self-inquiry to examine my relationship with love.  But self-inquiry has turned into self-destruction.  I have been picking myself apart for not being able to love good enough and not being lovable enough. It's the same song and dance. I'm not enough.  If only I had not said this.  If only I had done that. If only I was more like this or less like that then I'd be lovable.  

This self-destruction disguised as self-inquiry has even gone so far as to point out how stupid I am for loving people when they don't love me back.  How stupid can I be to continue to feel love for someone who clearly doesn't feel the same about me?  

Then today, I came across this picture.  I'm reading a book by St. Teresa of Avila so when I was scrolling through the posts this one jumped out at me.   Love cannot be bought.  It can't be stolen, it cannot be cajoled, it cannot be seduced.  Only genuine love begets love. 

How do we know if it's genuine love we are feeling or we're trying to seduce or cajole?  How do we know if it's genuine love or co-dependency? If my love doesn't beget love does that mean its not genuine?

If I love you six units and you don't return six units and I don't withdraw my six units does that make me stupid or does that mean it's genuine love?   How do we know if it's genuine love or simply an inability to let go?  I tend to get attached to people.  When they inevitably disappear from my life I suffer.  My head says that I should withdraw my "six units of love".  My heart doesn't agree. 

My teacher says, the heart is the gateway between our humanity and our Divinity.  Seems to me that it's also the gateway to mass confusion for some of us.  

How can we tell if it's genuine love we feel or unhealthy attachment? 

St. Teresa says that if we don't learn to love we will suffer.  My experience has been that even if we do love we may still suffer.  Or... Does the fact that it's causing suffering mean it's not genuine? 

Maybe I am stupid.  Maybe I am too attached to people.  Maybe it is unhealthy to be attached to people who don't, for whatever reason, offer the same six units of love back to me. 

I'll follow my heart instead of my ego and error on the side of love.  I will follow the example of the Saints and Sages and continue to offer my heart.  As long as my motivation for love is genuine and unconditional whether or not it's returned or received the way I intend is none of my business. 

Love begets love.... But even if it doesn't, love anyway. 

Being able to love even after your heart has been broken into a million pieces is a beautiful thing.  Having the tools to recognize that the same song and dance of the ego no longer serve me is a beautiful thing. 

We are made in the image of God.  How can we ever be "not good enough"?    

Deconstruction in progress

Letting go of delusion is painful.  It feels like my skin is being ripped off inch by inch.  The pain is searing and I fear that I won't survive.  The "me" I thought I was will most definitely not survive.  It would be impossible to survive the deconstruction that is happening.

I fear the pain, I fear what it will be like to move through life in such a raw and vulnerable state.  I fear how others will react.  I fear the validation of my beliefs.  I fear that there's no end to the delusion.  I wonder if the saying is true.  Is the evil you know better than the evil you don't know?

If my strength and self-sufficiency have been a delusion does that mean that my perceived flaws are also a delusion?  There is just as much possibility that what's beyond the delusion is liberating and wonderful as there is that it will be scary and horrible. Is it possible that feeling empty is a blessing?

I find myself resisting my practice. I'm resisting because it is the very thing that's causing the delusion to fall apart.  The delusion has been my means of protection.  Without it I'm exposed.  I'm standing naked in the middle of my life.  Vulnerability is scary.  Who will protect me?

Om Hreem Shreem Dum Durgaya Namaha     

Since I was nine years old I have played the role of mother and protector.  In reality I was just a child in need of mothering and protection.   The delusion of strength and self-sufficiency was necessary and served me well for many years.  Sadly, though, it has also become a hindrance.   I've worn the delusion for so long that I began to believe it was my own skin rather than a suite of amour that can be removed when the battle was over. 

I was reminded yesterday that the reason I feel vulnerable, alone, and without protection is because I have forgotten the presence  of God.  It is the hand of God that is systematically removing the delusion.  It is no longer needed.  The suit of amour is no longer necessary when I remember the presence of God.  

Yes, it is painful.  Like the pain of surgery when the doctor has to cut away disease so that the patient can heal and be whole again.  When God is the surgeon what is there to fear? 

Is it worth it?

Had I known the depths that my yoga practice would take me I doubt I would have had the courage to step foot on the mat.  Truth be told, I started taking yoga classes as a way of relieving stress.  I was in search of love and light and cotton candy.  I was bound and determined to be peaceful and happy even if it kills me.  Some days, it seems that my practice is doing just that... killing me.  In reality, it is killing "Me".

In yoga-land they use the analogy of peeling away the layers of an onion to describe the peeling away of the masks and stories that we have created around this idea of what or who "Me" is.   When I peel an onion it makes me cry.  The same is true with the peeling away of the layers of "Me". There are inevitably tears and pain involved when we start to peel away the masks.  We feel raw and vulnerable.  There's also fear.  Fear of what's underneath the  mask and stories of our lives?  How will people react to me without the mask?  Who am I under the stories and masks?

What keeps us peeling away, despite the pain and fear, is the promise of discovering who we really are at our core.   What is the essence of who we are without the stories, without the masks?  It's the promise of nirvana or bliss that keeps us returning to the painful practice of peeling away.  Some days I want to give up.  Some days it seems the onion has no many layers that I'll never reach the center.
Other days, I feel lighter for having discarded so many layers already and I feel inspired to keep going.

It seems to me that the beginning layers peel away rather easy.  It actually feels liberating and freeing to let go of the story that I needed to live up to the standards set by Betty Crocker or Martha Stewart or Leave it to Beaver's mom.   The beginning layers are more superficial.  As you let go you feel invigorated and it propels you onward.  Like peeling paint from the front porch.  At first, the pieces that weren't so attached come away easy and I think to myself  "How hard could it be?".

Once the superficial layers get cleared away you start to work on the layers that have been there a little longer.  These stories and masks are ones that we have been carrying for a lot longer and we're more attached to.  They get harder to shake loose.  We start to question whether or not it's worth the effort to remove them or maybe, like the front porch, we want to just paint over those layers and pray for the best.

This journey of self-discovery is not for the faint of heart.  The deeper our practice is  the deeper it takes us into the dark corners of our minds.  At some point, we reach those stories that we are sure are entwined into the very fibers of our being.  How will I ever peel those away?

While peeling away the paint on the porch, we got to a point where some of the wood was coming away with the paint.   That's what it feels like for me right now.  It feels like some of the very fibers of my being are being peeled away along with the story.  The pain feels more like grief.  Grief is a natural response to loss. Even if the loss is just a story of who we thought we were.  I didn't, however, expect grief to be a part of the practice that was suppose to bring me to love and light and cotton candy.

There is fear, and vulnerability in the rawness of letting go of these deep layers of the story of "Me". Who will I be when this layer is gone?  This story is, by far, the most painful to let go of.  Will I have the courage and strength to tackle the next one?  How much more pain and grief must I endure before I reach this elusive state of bliss?  Is it even worth the effort?  Today, I surrender to the feet of the Divine Mother who soothes all pain and grief.

Forfeiting the race

Why is there always a sense of urgency about things?  Why does it seem like time is running out? Always hurrying from one thing to the next.  Time spent on anything but busyness is wasteful.  "I wish I had more time!"  people are always saying.  I read a quote somewhere that said something like "Einstein and Michaelangelo had the same 24 hours you do."   Some nights I hit my pillow so completely exhausted yet having accomplished nothing in particular.

The sense of urgency and needing to keep up causes so much unnecessary suffering.   Life is moving so fast... Is it?  Is time moving faster than it used to?  Doesn't 24 hours still last  24 hours like they did 100 years ago?  Time isn't what's moving so fast, we are.   The question is, why? 

A yoga teacher once said that whatever neurosis you have off the mat you bring to the mat with you. The same sense of urgency and busyness and needing to accomplish and keep up with others is just as prevalent in yoga-land as it is in the rest of society.  The question is still, why? 

In society we strive to accumulate promotions, possessions,  money, bigger house, better car.  Our children are pushed to excel at everything. They must make honor roll, play 5 sports and master musical instruments.  We strive to make them "well rounded" by filling their days with structured activity.  In yoga-land, it's the race to "awaken".  We strive to accumulate training certificates, have the biggest "following",  master the most advanced postures, teach the most yoga classes, run retreats and workshops and on and on and on.  We want to be well rounded so we fill our time with everything yoga.  We must become master teachers even if it kills us! 

When I first started teaching yoga I was teaching upwards of 10 classes a week.  In addition I was enrolled in a 500 hr advanced yoga teacher training program.  I was also in a dysfunctional marriage, working full time and trying to raise 3 children.  Since that time I completed 2 advanced yoga teacher training programs and a 500 hr Ayurveda lifestyle consultant course.  People would always say to me "I don't know how you do it."  "I'm so impressed that you can manage to do so much".   From the outside I had it all together.... On the inside I was falling apart. I was running all the time... No one ever asked me what it was that I was running away from.  What was the hole that I was trying to fill? 

The last 2 years have been completely different.  I'm teaching much less, I'm not taking any training programs, my marriage ended and my children often times fend for themselves.  From the outside it looks like things are falling apart.... On the inside, things are coming together.  

At the end of my Ayurveda training I asked my teacher "What's next? There's still so much more to learn."  His reply?  "Time to stop asking what's next."  I took his advice.  I stopped running, stopped trying to fill the hole with more training and started living the teachings.   I took time to digest and assimilate all the beautiful, profound wisdom that has been shared with me by my teachers.  I move more slowly and deliberately through life.  Choosing how I spend my time and energy more carefully has made all the difference. 

I'm learning that life is not a race to the finish line.  It's a journey of discovery.  I never took the time to enjoy life when I was so busy trying to keep up with everyone else.  There are still moments when I feel a pang of jealousy when I hear about the training programs other teachers are taking or when someone has the means to quit their job or take a trip to India or whatever.  I'm not saying that it's not good to have goals and ambition in life.  I'm saying that I'm now questioning my motivation for what I do and considering the benefit verse the sacrifice. 

Years ago my oldest got in trouble.  I grounded her and sent her to her room without her phone. Several hours later she came downstairs to show me the beautiful tote bag she had sewn.   Seems to me that when we can practice being still and holding space we open ourselves up to inspiration and creativity.  

Let the adventure begin...

What does releasing self-doubt look like? How will I know if it's self-doubt or a sign that I'm moving in the wrong direction?  What if it's not intuition or Divine guidance but really just delusion?  It seems to me that both delusion and following Divine guidance might look like chaos and craziness. 

Maybe a better question would be what does releasing self-doubt feel like? At this point it feels scary and confusing.  It feels scary when I forget that nothing is written in stone and nothing is permanent. I can change my mind and change my direction at any moment.

The option to change direction allows me to open up to the possibility that releasing self-doubt may feel liberating and exciting.  What if I'm right about something?  There's just as much possibility of being right as there is of being wrong.  What if I discover that my intuition was right?  How would that feel?   What would change?  Would that make releasing self-doubt easier?  What if I'm wrong? Would the sky fall? Would the world come to an end?  If  I'm wrong about something is it really wrong if I learn something from the experience?  How many great inventions were discovered by mistake?

Why is it that some people seem to be able to make choices and decisions without hesitation while others, like me, struggle with self-doubt?  Where does this self-doubt come from?  What caused it?
Was I just born with this quality or was it learned?  Does it even matter? Is self-doubt the same as being cautious?  Being caution serves a purpose.  Does self-doubt have a purpose?  I suppose it could be a helpful tool in keeping my ego in check but it's also what holds me back.

At this point, self-doubt isn't going to go away magically simply because I've set the intention.  Setting the intention is the starting point to the work that lays ahead.  Behavior patterns and habits take time and patience to change.  Setting the intention is making the commitment to do the work.

When life feels like a test, self-doubt is harder to release.  No one wants to fail at the test.  When life feels like an adventure then releasing self-doubt becomes a little easier.  There's no failing on an adventure.

It's for the children

My day started with this short Ted Talk called The Fierce Face of the Feminine.   I really hope that everyone takes a few minutes to watch it.  The talk is powerful and it got my head spinning.  So much of it resonated so deeply in me.  I had flashbacks of times when I have felt that fierce fire within me. 

Times when the fire within me burned so strong that I could not hold myself back.  This short little Ted Talk felt like the final piece of  the puzzle.  It's going to take some time to digest the realizations that I've been having all day but there is one piece of the talk that I want to start a conversation about. 

Lets talk about this concept that we are all mothers and fathers of ALL the children.  You know the saying "It takes a village to raise a child"?  Its time to get back to this practice.  When I was a kid I knew that any one of the "moms" in my life would be there for me whether it was for help or discipline.  When my kids were young and would play outside they knew that the other "moms" would be there for them to help or discipline.  As my girls were growing into young women they had other "moms" who have stepped in and offered guidance and advice to them. 

I'm that mom that's always asking kids "does your mom know where you are?" before letting the kid hang out at my house.  I'm that mom that yells at kid standing on someone's car "Get off of there before you break your neck!"  I'm that mom that offers an ear to the teenager who had a fight with their own mom.  I'm that mom that stands in the parking lot keeping an eye on the group of little ones blowing bubbles when there isn't any other adults around.  I'm that mom that lunges to catch a kid that's climbing out the shopping cart. I'm grateful that I have had a  circle of powerful women doing the same for me and my children.  It is this circle of powerful women that have taught me what it means to be a mother and a woman. 

I have the great privilege of witnessing my daughters becoming powerful young women in their own right.  I am so proud of them that it makes my heart burst.  But I can't take all the credit. They too were surrounded by a circle of powerful women guiding them and protecting them. 

I never realized that this was unusual.  I assumed that every community had a circle of powerful women protecting and guiding the children in their lives.  If there isn't one in your community then you start one.  Very simple, small changes in the way to participate in your own community will make a huge difference.  If we each pledge to take responsibility for not only our own children but for all the children in our community WE can start a revolution of positive change in our world. 

When the children are protected and cared for by the community, the community reaps the rewards of well rounded children.  Well rounded children grow up to be productive members of society.