Christmas prayer

Here we are, December 4th, the holiday madness is in full swing. The old patterns of thinking try to creep back into our consciousness. The constant Christmas music
trying to convince us that this is "the most wonderful time of the year". The constant TV commercials trying to convince us that our families will love us more if we buy
them this thing or that. Everywhere you look there is propaganda showing beautifully decorated homes filled with happy, smiling families sitting down to a feast.

For years and years I tried to live up to this vision of what Christmas should look like. All the while fighting the underlying feelings of inadequacy. Year and after year there was always the feeling that next year will be better. Next year everything will be perfect. But year after year the feelings of anxiety and depression clouded this "most wonderful time of the year".

This year, however, is different. No, I haven't won the lottery, Martha Stewart has not decorated my home or cooked me a feast. This year is different because I am consciously applying the lessons I've learned from my yoga practice. After all, isn't that the point, to live your yoga? Yes.... Yes it is.

My Christmas gift to you this year is a prayer...

* I pray that you remember that you have all that you need.
* I pray that you remember that you are loved and needed.
* I pray that you remember that things do not define you and will not fulfill you.
* I pray that you remember to savor each moment of your life.
* I pray that you remember to see beauty in everything.
* I pray that you remember that all you need to turn a meal into a feast is gratitude.
* I pray that you remember to be fully present with the family and friends you are sharing time with.
* I pray that you remember to shift the focus of your attention from what is lacking to the many blessings you have right now.
* I pray that you remember to fill your heart and home gratitude and love instead of things and sadness.

Ed McMann and Martha Stewart are not coming for Christmas this year but God is. Remember to see God in everyone always. That way, it's always "the most wonderful time of the year".

Rainbow colored glasses

What's the deal with turtle neck sweaters with no sleeves?? If it's cold enough to wear a turtle neck sweater you would think you'd want sleeves right?? I feel the same about 3/4 length sleeves... Shirts should come in short sleeves or long sleeves.. Anything in between just seems indecisive to me.

This is the way my mind works... Things are very black or white, right or wrong, yes or no. You are either here or there. I either like it or not. Things are working or they're not. There's no in between in my mind. I prefer people be direct and to the point. I don't want to have to guess. Are you coming or going? Do you like me or not? I say what I mean, I mean what I say and I believe everyone should do the same.

I honestly feel that life is so much easier when things are clear cut. Organization, rules, and categories reduce chaos and therefore make things easier. Unfortunately, I haven't had much luck in convincing the rest of the universe to think like me.

I do admit that on more than a few occasions I've been reminded that there are all sort of varying shades of gray, including a full rainbow of colors. I am finally, slowly starting to see the light. Perhaps it's true that some experiences simply don't fit neatly into a category. Sometimes experiences that bring us pleasure end up causing us pain in the end. Sometimes experiences that cause us pain eventually bring us to pleasure.

Today I'm wearing rainbow colored glasses and I'm acknowledging that God's Grace has no limits. It is only my ego that sees life in black and white. I know I am not my ego. We are so much more than our mind can even imagine. I see now that in my effort to define myself and others I am limiting myself and others. I will do my best to continue to wear these rainbow colored glasses so that I can enjoy experiencing the infinite possibilities of life unfolding in full color.

But I still don't understand turtle neck sweaters without sleeves...

"It ain't all about you, hon" ~JB

I've been spending a lot of time watching myself think while pretending to meditate. The re-run that's been playing is a pity party for me. However this morning I noticed an interesting pattern. The thoughts were something like this……

“I’m such a fool to have trusted so and so…” “I’m so stupid for not paying closer attention to what was going on.” “How could I have been so stupid not to see” On and on the story went. Recounting every thing that every person I ever knew did to hurt me. “I feel bad for confronting so and so about the lies” “I feel bad that I stood up for myself because it made so and so upset.”

Do you see it? Do you see the pattern? “I”, “I”, “I”….. It’s all about me. Talk about ego! The veil has lifted… I make everything about ME. I feel responsible for other people’s behavior…. Seriously??!! As if I don’t have enough trouble keeping track of my own behavior.

Why does trusting someone make ME feel like a fool when that person lies? Why do I
feel bad about what someone else did? Why do I make it about ME?

Enough!! I cannot worry about the consequences of someone else’s choices.

The pattern has been discovered. It’s time to re-direct the energy and focus to something more constructive. Clearly, a seated meditation alone doesn’t seem to be enough right now. It’s time for intense sadhana (spiritual practice).

The thought pattern has been harsh, critical, and judgmental. Keeping in mind the axiom, like increases like and opposite cures, means that what’s required is some gentleness, contentment, peace of mind, and surrender.

Here’s the plan in case you’d like to join me: 30 day Moon sadhana begins tonight. 11 rounds of Chandra Namaskar, chanting 108X the mantra: Om Som Somaya Namaha, and hopefully meditation will happen (for real).

The intention: Letting go of resentment, anger and feeling responsibility for other
people’s actions. Remembering; that we are only responsibility for our own integrity.

What’s the saying? “Let go and let God” Let God deal with the karma of others and focus on not creating negative karma for ourselves.

Learning and Teaching...

I'm about 3 weeks and 27 questions of my final exam away from graduation. I'm both excited and sad. It's exciting that I'll be able to officially call myself an "Ayurveda Lifestyle Counselor" It feels good to have completed this course. It was a lot of work and required a lot of dedication. I admit that I am proud of myself for following through and completing it. I'm also sad. I'm sad that I won't be in class with my teacher and classmates anymore.

I asked my teacher what the next step in my studies is. He replied "time to stop looking for the next step." I am a perpetual student but I do believe he's right. It's time to stop looking for something outside of myself to validate me.

Twice in the past week I've encountered people who told me that for years and years they read every self-help book they could get their hands on. They participated in every self-improvement workshop and class they came across. They've spent a small fortune on therapy. For years and years they searched for ways to heal their internal wounds. I am no different.

When I first discovered yoga, my search for "self-improvement" was narrowed to Yoga related books and workshops and classes. But I was still searching for someone or something that would solve all my troubles. My search started out by reading books, then looking for yoga classes, then it was looking for a teacher, then looking for workshops and teacher training courses, then retreats, then a guru, then questioning everything I learned up to that point. Still I found myself searching.

Along the way I learned some profound and life changing things. Along the way I met some incredible people. Some of whom have become life long friends. But I've also found a lot of crap. I've come across a lot of people looking to make a buck from the taking advantage of vulnerable people.

After a long talk with a student recently I realized that through my own journey of self-exploration I had learned a thing or two that might just be useful to share. They may sound cheesy but I can say from my own personal experience that they are true.

** Everything you seek is already within you. There is no secret ingredient in the secret noodle soup recipe.

** No one can do the work for you. You need to do the work. Reading the book isn't enough. Even if someone else is an expert and teaches you the technique you need to DO it for yourself.

** There are shysters out there so the old saying "Buyer beware" applies even in yoga-land.

** Even Ayurveda recognizes that sometimes western medicine is needed. My teacher says "If I cut off my finger all the herbs in the world aren't going to reattach my finger"

** The Taittiriya Upanishad says: "practice right conduct, learning and teaching; be truthful always, learning and teaching; Master your passions, learning and teaching; control the senses, learning and teaching; Strive for peace always, learning and teaching; rouse Kundalini, learning and teaching; Serve humanity, learning and teaching."
"Learning and teaching are necessary for spiritual progress."

Ultimately, the searching and learning is an important part of the process but even more vital to our journey is the part when we use what we've learned in our day to day life. Once we have direct knowledge of what we've learned from our own personal experience we then teach.

"Learning and teaching are necessary for spiritual progress." But don't fool yourself; you can't skip over the part about applying what you've learned BEFORE you teach. Even if no one else knows you've skipped that part, God knows.

Sometimes you feel like a nut....

I fell off the yoga wagon. I admit it. I haven't posted lately because I've been in a really negative mental state. I'm telling myself that I can't do yoga because I'm too miserable. How stupid is that?! It's as bad as the people who tell me they can't do yoga because they aren't flexible enough. Duh!! Doing yoga improves flexibility. Duh!! I need yoga to improve my mental state!

Oh yea.... I forgot..... So here I am.

Being an aspiring yogi is very much like being a mom. Regardless of how you feel physically or mentally the show must go on. As a mom, even when you're tired or cranky or having a meltdown, you're still a mom. There's dinner to make and dishes to wash and children to chauffeur.

The same is true as a yogi. Even when you're tired or cranky and most especially during the unavoidable mental meltdowns, you are still a yogi. That means you still show up to the mat and do the practice.

As a mom, there have been times when I had to get one my kids ready for school while she was in the middle of a tantrum. As she was screaming and kicking I was trying to stay calm, breath and continue to tackle the task at hand. Paying as little attention as possible to the tantrum was the surest way to shorten the duration.

The yoga practice, at times, resembles this same scenario. While the inner child is throwing the mother of all tantrums, we try to remain calm, breath and continue to do the practice. Hopefully, paying as little attention as possible to the meltdown will insure that it too passes quickly.

This morning the beautiful full moon helped me hear the whispers of the Divine Mother calling me gently back to the mat. Flowing through the Chandra Namaskar sequence and chanting the moon mantra helped soothe the tantrum a bit and for that I'm grateful.

It's easy to be a 'good' mom when everyone is happy but can you be a good mom while your little one is having a meltdown? That's when it really counts. It's easy to be a 'good' yogi when you're happy and feeling flexible but can you remember you are a yogi in the middle of your own meltdown? NOW... that's when it really counts!

Om Som Somaya Namah! Like the phases of the moon, everything, including our emotions, waxes and wanes.

I'm hearing the Almond Joy commercial in my head right now. "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't" LOL.

Get out your #2 pencils

"I have test anxiety" declares my daughter. "I know the material until it's time to take the test". I know how she feels. I feel exactly the same way right now. I know the yoga lessons I've been studying but when the test comes I feel like I fail.

It seems that the universe is giving me one big test after another with no time for me to catch my breath in between.

The test has been handed out and I'm sitting there staring at the questions....

How do you stay grounded when you're standing in quick sand?
How do you trust when you have been deceived?
How do you keep forgiving over and over without feeling like a fool?
How do you practice contentment when things around you are falling apart?
How do you keep your heart open when every ounce of your being wants to shut down?

The tests keep coming; only the answers escape me. Anxiety reaches an all time high.
The advice I give my daughter "Ask for help. Don't wait till it's too late." Does that advice
apply to me too?

I take my own advice. I bow at the foot of the Divine Mother and ask for guidance. I once again experience the power of sadhana (spiritual practice). The only thing I need to remember for the test is that the answers can only be found within and the study guide is sadhana.

Sadhana is what grounds me.
The Divine is where I place my trust.
I forgive even if it means I'm a fool and then I forgive myself.
Contentment comes from trusting in the bigger picture even when I may not be able to see it from this vantage point. When things fall apart the universe is making room for something else.
An open heart is the channel in which the Grace of the Divine flows.

The answers are only found within and sadhana is the way to find the answers. We continue moving forward, even when we can't see the road in front of us, trusting in the support of the Divine. It's only when we stop moving forward that we truly fail.

Feeling uncomfortable

When emotions come up during meditation we're told to recognize them, feel them and then let them go. The search to learn the method for letting them go has
been my primary focus. Today I realized that my eagerness to find the way to let go is driven by my desire to bypass the 'feel them' step.

I'm not comfortable with emotions. Which is ironic considering the fact that I am extremely emotional.

The question is always, what do I do with the emotions? Only today did it occur to me that maybe the answer is to feel them. Mostly I prefer avoidance. Especially when it comes to emotions that I have labeled 'unyogic'.

I've tried ignoring emotions. Staying so busy all the time. Doing everything for everyone. Always with a smile. All the while hoping that if I ignored what I was feeling long enough that the emotions would simply disappear.

I've tried numbing the emotions with cupcakes and cosmos. Only that lead to a vicious cycle that only caused more negative emotions.

I haven't figured out how to let go of them because letting go cannot happen until I have acknowledged the emotions, AND experienced the feeling of the emotion.

I'd like to believe that maybe the letting go will happen organically when I learn to be comfortable with whatever emotion comes up. Good or bad, regardless of how uncomfortable it is.

Sitting with peace and joy in our heart when the emotions are pleasant is the easy part. The challenge is experiencing peace and joy while sitting with some uncomfortable emotions. That seems to be the practice to focus on.

It is uncomfortable to sit with the emotions of grief, sadness, disappointment, or anger. These are normal human emotions yet we don't want to experience them. When someone is sad we want to make them happy. When someone is grieving we don't know what to do. Maybe there are important lessons for us in those emotions that we so desperately want to move past. Maybe sitting and feeling whatever it is that we're feeling is exactly what we're suppose to be doing. Maybe it's in the learning to be comfortable with ourselves in the mist of un-comfortable emotions is the practice.

Even more uncomfortable than sitting with our own emotions is having to sit with someone else's emotions. We tend to internalize other people's emotions.
Sometimes feeling responsible, somehow, for other people's emotional well being. When someone we love is upset with us we want to DO something to change how they are feeling. As if we have some control over the emotions of others.

I'm finally seeing that until I have some mastery over my own internal process there's no point in me expending energy in trying to figure out or change someone else's.

Feel what you feel even when it hurts and give thanks to God for the lessons those feelings are teaching you even when you don't know what the lesson is.

OM NAMAHA SHIVAYA!