What will you say to God?

So much of the news is so disturbing.  So much of it makes me feel sick to my stomach.  I know it's important to know what's going on in the world.  We can't stick our heads in the sand but how do we not fall into despair?  This morning I wanted to check the road conditions before leaving the house.  While waiting for the weather I listened to a story about a group of Catholic school kids tormenting a Native American man.  I'm not sure why, but it disturbed me even more knowing that these children were Catholic school children.  I was a Catholic school child.  I learned that God is everywhere, all the time.  I learned treat others with kindness.   

While waiting to hear about the road conditions I started to wonder.... 

What will that Catholic school boy say to God when God asks him why he turned his back on him when God came to him in the form of a Native American man? 

What will you say to God when he asks you why you turned your back on him when he came to you for help in the form of a immigrant? 

What will you say to God when he asks you why you turned your back on him when he came to you for help in the form of a woman? 

What will you say to God when he asks you why you turned your back on him when he came to you for help in the form of a black man? 

What will you say to God when he asks you why you turned your  back on him when he came to you for help in the form a homeless person? 

What will you say to God when he asks you why you turned your back on him when he  came to you for help in the form an addict? 

What will you say to God when he asks you why you turned your back on him when he came to you for help in the form of a Muslim, or Jew, or Hindu?

What will you say to God when he asks you why you turned your back on him when he came to you for help in the form of the great oceans? the earth?  the animals?  

God is in everyone and everything.  Not just in you but in me too.   In the words of the Upanishads: 

Those who see all creatures in themselves 

and themselves in all creatures know no fear.

Those who see all creatures in themselves 

and themselves in all creatures know no grief. 

How can the multiplicity of life

Delude the one who sees its unity? 

~Isha Upanishad

Don't be deluded by the different names and forms. Remember that God is in EVERYONE and EVERYTHING.    Are you prepared to answer the question? What will you say to God when he asks you? 

Yoga Sadhana - the gift of self-care

I want to talk about self-care.  More specifically, why is it that self-care is the first thing to fall by the waste side at times when we need it the most?  Is it possible to hold onto our self-care routines in the midst of chaos?

With candy corn still in my teeth I can already feel Santa's sleigh nipping at my heels.

What's in Santa's sleigh THIS year? 

A heaping helping of added financial pressure.

A second page added to the "to do" list. 

Another mask of forced cheerfulness to wear. 

A big box of tangled Christmas lights to struggle with along with your tangled emotions. 

Achy feet and achy backs wrapped in shiny paper.

Plates of magic cookies that mysterious shrink your clothes. 

And let's not forget the endless hours of Christmas cheer coming from every speaker!  

It's the most wonderful time of the year....

For some of us this is the most stressful time of the year.  It's the time of the year when our self-care routines are put on the shelf right next to the "Elf on the shelf".   Whether it's a conscious choice or a product of "not enough time" It is a CHOICE.  

With the "holiday season" barreling around the corner I made a choice.   I'm choosing to make self-care a priority.  What will you choose during this "most wonderful time of the year"?  I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that when I hold onto my self-care routine I can move through life with more Grace and Ease. 

Hold your horses, I mean reindeer, Santa! 

All I want for Christmas this year is:

The serenity to accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

and 

The wisdom to know the difference

I realize that you may have your own self-care routine.  Some of you may actually enjoy this time of the year.  I'm not here to add to your to do list.   I'm here to remind you that you matter.  I'm here to give you permission to say "NO" to the things you do only out of obligation.  If making 8,000. cookies makes you happy than by all means bake away.   But, if like me, you struggle remember that you have a choice.  

My commitment to self-care includes a yoga and meditation practice. Keeping a gratitude journal helps me ward off the feelings of inadequacy that are always magnified at this time of the year.  It can be hard not to get swept away with the chaos and activity of the "holiday season" but it's not impossible.   Yoga and Meditation have been my saving Grace.  When I stay focused on my practice I always find the energy I need to tackle the to do lists.  I am better equipped to untangle the Christmas lights and my emotions.   When I'm firmly grounded in my true nature I have the wisdom to know where to spend not only money but also my energy.   

For the next few weeks I'll be focusing of self-care and cultivating an attitude of gratitude in my yoga classes.  I hope to see you on the mat.  Saturday 10am and Sunday 8am at Yoga on Main!! 

The swami laughed

In my never ending search for "enlightenment" I have had many interesting adventures.  Once, I went with my friend Cristina to a meditation group at some random person's house which neither of us knew.  Turned out that it was a Buddhist prayer group.  Another time I found myself in a small room over a motorcycle shop which said "meditation" on the door. When I walked in a man was there with his back to me.  I took off my shoes and waited for him to greet me.  That time I awkwardly backed out of the room forgetting my shoes.  Oh, and then there was this time that I found myself sitting in a gorgeous backyard on the Main Line where I listened to a swami give a talk about making time for God in your life.  That adventure gave me some really powerful insights and advice that I still go back to often. 

This morning I was thinking about the time I went to the mind, body, spirit expo.  It was a long time ago.  The large room was filled with all sorts of "new age" gurus claiming to heal my mind, body and spirit.  It felt a lot like a new age circus.  There was someone claiming to correct your vision if you wore these strange glasses and another vendor selling these copper contraptions with crystals on them that you put on your head (I have no idea what that was suppose to heal).  There was a lady that was taking pictures of your aura with a Polaroid!  Table after table of merchandise for sale.  Everything from flavored oxygen to yoga-kickboxing DVDs  were just waiting for us lost souls to open our wallets.  

As I wandered around the noisy room I noticed a man sitting alone at a table.  The only other thing on the table, besides his folded hands, was a bowl.  It was an ordinary bowl sitting in front of an ordinary man.  I was curious about what was in the bowl and what the quiet man was doing in this circus.   He didn't seem to care much about whether or not anyone would come to his table.  No one did.... expect me.   

I walked over and said hello expecting that he would begin his sales pitch.  He didn't.   I asked "what's in the bowl?".  He didn't care much for answering questions.  "put your hand in it and feel what's in it."  My curiosity was stronger then my sense of caution so I put my hand in the bowl.  Do you want to guess what was in it?  A mixture of grains, seeds, and corn.  The kind that you might feed to birds.  "what do you feel?" he asked.  I don't remember my answer but thinking back now I'm guessing it was the wrong one because he didn't say much else except that he told me to take a handful and share a little bit of the mixture with random people.  I still remember my co-worker, Ellen's reaction.  Needless to say that it didn't change her mind about the fact that she thinks I'm nuts! 

I have no idea why I was thinking about the expo experience this morning.  Perhaps it's because it feels like my life is a circus right now.  I'm a clown juggling hoops of fire while standing on the back of a lion and trying to sell peanuts to pay the mortgage at the same time.  Or maybe it's because my mind, body, and spirit are needing some quiet time. 

The Main Line swami said "If you have time to tweet, you have to meditate!".   It makes me giggle every time I think about a swami that lives in a cave in the Himalayas talking about tweeting.  Truth be told I think that's  when I learned what tweeting even was! 

Anyway. adventures in yoga-land are so fun and amusing and sometimes a bit scary but the real adventures takes place in the still, quiet space of meditation.  

I just remembered about the swami that came to yoga-land and gave a talk.  I was sure he was going to give us the ancient yogic secrets to reach enlightenment!  That time.... he laughed and laughed.... "all these practices you all do to reach enlightenment are just ONE GREAT BIG U TURN BACK TO  YOU!!" and he laughed and laughed while I scratched my head.  

The moral of the story is that what you seek cannot be found externally.  Not at the table of the expo vendors, not in a Main Line backyard, not in a small room above the motorcycle shop.  Meditation is the U turn  that takes you back to your true nature which is ultimately the only place you'll find what your mind, body, and spirit need to heal. 

Om Namaha Shivaya.  

A hawk's message

All of a sudden, I find myself in a situation that I really thought I'd finally broken free of.  What the hell just happened?  Who hit the rewind button??  I'm dizzy from the sudden plunge back into the 

bat-shit crazy that I thought was behind me.  For just a split second I lose my footing and slip back into fear.  

I re-group; catch my breath; forward is the only option. 

It always shocks me how quickly fear takes hold.  Like a noose around my neck making it hard to breath.  From fear comes worry.  I start to pace the floor.  My mind is racing.  Why?  Why is this happening again?   I did all the right things to prevent this.  I took the necessary steps to move forward.  Why am I back here? 

From worry comes self-doubt. Maybe I made a mistake.  Maybe there's still more to learn from this experience. Maybe there's still karma I need to work out. Maybe I'm just meant to suffer.  Maybe a calm, peaceful existence isn't in the cards for me.  Maybe this is my penance for deeds done in a previous lifetime. 

I re-group; catch my breath; forward is the only option.  

The other day I was stopped at a light and noticed right above my windshield on a wire was a huge hawk.  He's beautiful and just sitting looking back at me.  He didn't fly away.  I wondered why he was sitting there when he could be flying some other place more beautiful than this busy little road.   Later that night my son told me he also saw the hawk.  

While I was re-grouping and catching my breath I started to think about the hawk's message.  Whenever I see these beautiful creatures I take it as a reminder to try to look at things from a higher perspective.  To clear my mind I decided that since the universe hit the rewind button I'd follow her lead and do the same.   I went to Shiva Das' yoga class.  

Shiva Das was telling the class about the upcoming yoga teacher training program.  I thought back to when I signed up for the program more than 10 years ago.  I was a totally different person.  I can say that without a doubt the program changed the course of my life completely.  

After class I slept soundly for the first time in days.  I woke up this morning with the higher perspective I was searching for.  Perhaps, the sudden plunge into the bat-shit crazy was the universe showing me just how far I've come.  

Maybe, just maybe, it was not about me doing anything wrong or needing to learn more but an opportunity to recognize how much stronger I am now.  The higher perspective I've been contemplating all day is that this experience was a clear reminder that I am NOT the same person I was 10 years ago.  I can see more clearly now.  I know who I am now.   With the solid ground of sadhana beneath my feet I may lose my footing for a split second but I won't fall over the edge. 

I re-grouped; caught my breath; found my footing again.... forward is the only option and forward looks really beautiful from this higher perspective.

Thank you Shiva Das and thank you beautiful hawk for the reminder!  When bat-shit crazy comes to visit you don't have to invite it to dinner. 

Emotions are inconvenient

Yesterday a yoga student shared with me the devastating news that her son had died suddenly.  As I hugged her I could feel my heart breaking for her.  She was living every mother's worst fear.  I didn't know how to respond when she said  "I don't know how to go on..."

A few weeks ago my own daughter experienced a life threatening event as a result of complications in childbirth.  One minutes we are in Kutztown celebrating my daughter's graduation from college and next I'm sitting in the emergency room at 1am with my son.  He had emergency surgery to remove his appendix.  I no sooner got him home and settled and I'm back at the ER with my oldest.  During the days leading up to and following the birth of my granddaughter I was running back and forth between the hospital with Amanda and home to check on Jake as he recovered from surgery.

The past month of working, teaching yoga, taking care of household chores while tending to the needs of my family has required all of my energy.  There wasn't time or energy to process the emotional roller coaster that I was riding.  There was work to be done and I couldn't afford to spend the energy on dealing with my feelings.  Emotions are so inconvenience when there's so much work to be done.

As I sat in front of my yoga class yesterday morning I couldn't contain my emotions.  I was flooded with sadness and grief and anger at the unfairness of life.  I could feel the mother's grief and pain as if it were my own.  In that moment the fear I felt about my own children washed over me.  The emotions were so inconvenient.   There was a class to teach. 

I was embarrassed that I wasn't able to control my emotions.  I felt embarrassed that I was crying.  I've gotten used to occasionally crying while practicing yoga but crying while teaching yoga was not appropriate.   I'm suppose to be able to control my emotions.  God forbid I inconvenience others with my feelings. 

In the words of my very wise teacher, Ed   "Emotions are reflexes of the mind.  When you pull your hand away from a hot surface you don't say you're smart."    So why am I so uncomfortable with emotions?  Why was I embarrassed about the fact that when someone shared their pain I could feel their pain in my own heart?  I cried for a long time for the mother who lost her son. I cried for a long time for all the mothers that have experienced that pain.  I cried for all time for all the pain and suffering  in the world.   I cried to release the emotions that I had been so carefully guarding for the past month so as not to inconvenience anyone with my emotions.

Emotions are inconvenient but they also remind us that we are human.  The fact that I feel so deeply the pain of others means that I have a heart.  It means that I can recognize our shared humanity.  It helps me to see myself in the other person's shoes which makes me a more compassionate person.    What reason do I have to feel embarrassed by my empathy for others?   It seems to me that I have uncovered another false belief that I am ready to release.  Emotions are not a sign of weakness. 

The fact that I feel pain so deeply means that I also have the capacity to feel joy just as deeply.

I left class yesterday and went home.  My son has recovered from surgery and he's back to being his normal, bratty, teenage self.  My daughter and granddaughter are doing well and I'm enjoying sharing the role of Nonna with my own mother as we care for our sweet baby Ella.  It's finally time to plan a party to celebrate Tayler's accomplishment of finishing college.  Even with my heart filled with joy there's still room to hold space for the suffering of others.  Even with my heart filled with suffering there's still room to hold space for joy. 

Emotions are inconvenient but I'd rather feel too much than nothing at all. 

 

The lady in the purple gloves

Today we said farewell to the lady in the purple gloves.  What a beautiful tribute to a remarkable lady.  Her daughter wearing a red dress made me smile.  Earlier today I was sharing a story about MJ with my yoga class.  One day MJ came to yoga  wearing beautiful purple gloves.  When I remarked about how beautiful they were she replied  "I'm an old woman now so I can wear purple".  You see, only old women can wear purple gloves and a red hat that didn't go.... 

I was thinking about all the thoughtful little trinkets MJ would bring me when she came for yoga. The little angel medal, the prayer card from her pilgrimage to the Camino de Santiago, the little purple lump of clay with a smiley face, the mala bracelet, just to name a few.  I thought about bringing some of the trinkets to give to her great-grandchildren.  Instead, when I arrived at the service, her children had set up "Granny's flea market" so that everyone who came to pay their respects could take a memento.  

The first thing I notice was a poem in a frame titled " When I'm an old woman".  It starts "I shall wear purple with a red hat which doesn't go and doesn't suit me...."  MJ told me "Honey, don't wait till you're old... wear purple and red!" 

As I sat along the Wissahickon creek listening to her children honoring their mother I notice MJ's sweet little great-grand daughter wearing purple gloves.  I had the pleasure of meeting some of MJ's family when she brought them to yoga class with her.  What fun we had together when the little ones came to yoga with Granny!   One of Mary Joan's daughter's spoke about some of the lessons they learned from their mother.  On the drive home afterwards I was thinking about what lessons I had learned from MJ. 

*  Life is too short to follow the rules.  Wear purple and red, silly socks and dye your hair pink!

* Family over everything and everyone is family.

* You're never too old for an adventure. 

* Thoughtfulness and kindness matter. 

* Fear steals joy. 

* It's hard to surrender and allow our children to take on some of our roles but it will happen anyway.

MJ was always looking for the lesson is whatever was troubling her.  I so admired her willingness to see each challenge as an opportunity to learn something.  She was always listening for the message from the Universe.  I oftentimes wanted to tell her that maybe the lesson is that sometimes life just sucks!  I was less willing to see each challenge as a lesson... 

Here's the thing,  life does just suck sometimes but other times it's beautiful and breathtaking and spectacular.  Mary Joan's celebration of life was beautiful.  It was as thoughtful as MJ herself.  Perhaps the most profound lesson I learned from the lady in the purple gloves is that at the end of the day all that really matters is how much we have loved.  

The lady in the purple gloves taught me that a mother's love teaches her children what love is.  That is the greatest lesson of all.   

Farewell my friend...   

Words, words, everywhere!!

Tonight at dinner my daughter asked me why I haven't been posting anymore.  "You should start posting again, I liked reading it." she said.   So... Here you go, Tayler.

In January, I decided that this blog had come to an end.  I felt like there are so many people in yoga-land speaking so many words that it seemed pointless for me to add to the whirlwind of words.

I'm still not sure I have anything worthwhile to say that others haven't already said more eloquently than I but Tayler's words inspired me.

Words have power.  The way we use our words matters.  Interestingly, I've been learning about the power of words by keeping quiet.  Silence speaks volumes.  It's the act of listening that teaches us the power of words. I feel the power of them in my gut.   I've been using my ears as filters.  I have the power to choose which words I take in and digest and which words I let just pass right on through.

In yoga-land, we use mantras.  Mantras are sound vibrations that have specific energetic effects.
We have thousands of years of evidence to support the effect of mantra meditation.  Chanting the names of God brings you into a stream of consciousness that washes away your worries.  The effect is powerful and undeniable.

But...

Have you considered the energetic effects of  the words you use all day long?   I work in a busy office.  I talk to people for 8 full hours a day.  Some days, by 5pm I'm sick of the sound of my own voice.  I've expended so much prana and yet I wonder if anything I said was of any value at all.  Do me words improve the silence?

It's in the silence that God speaks to us.  How much time do you spend in silence?  What does it feel like? 

Sometimes, like tonight, someone inspires us with their words. Other times, the sharp, piercing nature of someone's words make us contract.

I used to take everything so personally.  I wore my feelings on my sleeve.  Every harsh word would feel like a knife in my heart.  When I'm present and aware, the harsh words or criticism from others do not hold the same power.  I'm certainly aware of the abrasiveness but it doesn't feel quite so personal.  I rely on my internal filters to discern what to digest and what to release.

I spent many years in a relationship where words were used as a weapon. By contrast, over the last couple of years, I've felt the "armor" start to melt away.  I no longer live with daily verbal attacks.  I no longer need to keep my heart guarded.

Which means....

I find myself unprepared and vulnerable to harsh words.  The abrasiveness of words feel a little sharper now, without the armor around my heart.  I need to remind myself not to take them personal. When I'm in the present moment, I can recognize the suffering of the person speaking sharp words.

I'm grateful...

The Goddess, Saraswati's gift is the gift of sound.  She gives the gift of sound and the gift of discernment.  Interesting, don't you think?  She gives us sound and discernment.  Through her power of discernment we can choose our words.  Through her power of discernment we know what to digest and use as fuel for growth and what to release as "waste".   Through her power of discernment we can choose when to speak and when to listen.  Do your words improve upon the silence?

Saraswati, brings order to chaos.  How does she do that?  Through knowledge.  How do we learn? Through listening.  When we speak we are showing others what we "know".  When we listen, we open ourselves up to receive the gift of knowledge. 

What I know for sure.....

Words have the power to inspire or crush the spirit.   As I close my eyes tonight this I pray:

Goddess,
Grant me the strength to speak my truth with integrity and grace.
Grant me the wisdom to know when to speak and when to leave words unspoken.
Bless me with the power of discernment so that I may know what words serve a higher purpose and when they serve the ego.
May my words, be your words.
May my hands be your hands
May my life be an instrument of your Divine will.

And remember:   "You don't have to say everything you know."