The other side of the mat

For years I've been attending the early morning yoga retreat week that happens at the change of each season.  For the last couple of years it's been the only time I get to practice with my favorite yoga teacher.  So when my favorite yoga teacher asked if I would lead the spring retreat week I was both disappointed (that I wouldn't get to practice with him) and at the same time incredibly honored and excited to lead it. The anxiety and nerves came later. 

As a student participating in the retreat  I have had first hand experience of it's profound nature. I wasn't, however, prepared for the profound revelation I would experience from the other side of the mat.  

Today is day 3 so the focus of the practice is the heart center.  I was nervous about setting the intention for our practice today.  The struggles with the heart center have been plentiful so it took quite a bit of introspection to try to find words that would inspire a yoga practice.  It reminded me of how inadequate words are. Nevertheless, together, the group shared their thoughts and ideas related to the Anahata Chakra (the heart center). Somehow, through the joint effort of the group, inspiration

was created. 

As I was leading the group through the asana practice I was experiencing a very powerful inner revelation! An intense moment of clarity that I was not prepared for.  I was, after all, in the middle of leading a practice!!  "God, can you hold please?"  "This is really not a good time for me to get distracted!!"  Still, the message persisted.  

What choice did I have but to flow with the message...Open your heart to receive love. 

Whether from yourself or someone else.  Be open to receive.  

My mind quickly races in with reasons why I can't do that.  Why it's not safe to open your heart. 

The mind is such a powerful persuader.  Opening our hearts puts us in a very vulnerable position. 

I would venture to say that feeling vulnerable because of previous hurts is a fairly common experience and it is a convincing argument to keep the heart closed.  Especially if, like me you have 

the false belief that you can still give love without fulling opening your heart.  Sort of like "selective numbing". 

The more disturbing reason my mind came up with is that I'm not worthy of receiving love.  When one of the students was sharing this morning she talked about negative self talk.  I suggested that she ask herself is any of it is true.  I suppose I should start there myself.   My initial response is to try to figure out why I have this belief.  Where did it come from?  How long have I carried this belief? How has it impacted me?  And, of course, who's to blame? 

Instead, today I will simply recognize it as a false belief that does not serve me and release it.  It's a burden I suspect I've carried for lifetimes.  It's too heavy to carry anymore.  

I am worthy of receiving love and I will continue to open my heart to receive it.  When I feel myself closing down I will gently remind myself that I am worthy.  Combining this new practice of opening to receive love seems to go hand in hand with my practice of accepting only what is being offered freely.  Being receptive rather than reaching will be the theme.

I'm remembering something I read in David Frawley's book about Soma.  It said something like the sun represents our striving towards God and the moon represents the Grace of God flowing towards us.  Maybe the moon practices that I've been doing were preparing me for this revelation. 

From Darkness to Light

From darkness to light

Woke up during the night with a nagging sense of lack. 

I got out of my warm, comfy bed when the nagging feeling persisted.  

Walking into the kitchen, where I prepared our dinner earlier,

With the flick of the switch I have light.

Turning on the faucet I fill a glass with clean drinking water. 

"You're not doing a good job", "You need to do more", "What if 

there isn't enough?"  

The nagging, persistent thoughts continue. 

Before going back to my warm, comfy bed I check on the kids.

My healthy children are tucked into their warm comfy beds,

 sleeping soundly. 

As I crawl back under the warm, clean blanket on my warm comfy bed

I listen to the furnace working hard to heat the home where my healthy,

happy family is fast asleep in their own beds under their own warm

blankets with their bellies full of the meal we shared together.  

I try my best to get back to sleep. 

 Pushing away the nagging thoughts only makes them stronger.  

Then I remember the mantra... My saving Grace. 

In between the mantra and the thoughts of lack there's Grace.

It's there, in the Grace, that I heard the whispers of the Divine.

" It is the mind that frees us or enslaves..." 

It's the mind that senses lack 

It's in the heart that Love resides. 

Change the focus from the mind to the heart

A shift in perspective happens

The sense lack shifts to an enormous sense of gratitude. 

Gratitude for the what I do have.  Gratitude for my teachers that have 

pointed me in the direction of my heart and taught me the tools I need to

see and feel the guidance and Grace of the Divine 

I drift off to sleep in my warm, comfy bed with a shift in perspective. 

Lessons learned in failure.

We are up to our elbows in wedding planning. My daughter is getting married!  So much time is spent planning the perfect day.  Much thought is given to every detail.  Which flowers, what color, invitations must be just right. Do the table clothes match the napkins.  We can't just pick a cake, we need to have a tasting first. It takes at least a year to plan a wedding.   How much thought is given to what happens after the wedding?

The top of the wedding cake is in the freezer, the thank you notes are mailed.  Now what?  Most people spend more time planning the wedding than they do planning how they will join their lives together.  

I want to give my daughter and future son-in-law some advice. I want to share the lessons I've learned in failure.   Hindsight, they say, is 20/20.   

Before beginning a journey together, decide together where you're going.  Sit down and put into words what you value most in life.  What are those core values that you are not willing to compromise on.  Life gets busy and we get sidetracked and sometimes we forget.  Create a mission statement for your family.  Hang it up in your bedroom.  Let it be your first thought in the morning and your last thought at the end of a long day.  

It's important to know what compromise actually means.  I've come to learn that compromise is not "giving in".  It's not someone wins while the other loses.  There will be many disagreements even in a healthy relationship,   The key is how you handle them.  Fighting isn't the problem, not knowing how to fight is the problem.  Compromise means being willing to listen and consider what the other person is saying and then trying to find some common ground.  It's in the common ground that the solution is always found.  A guest on the Oprah show said that when you are in a relationship you gain a second set of eyes.  Be open to seeing things from your partner's perspective.  Recognizing that they are your second set of eyes.  During a disagreement ask your partner "What are you seeing that I'm not".  

Avoid, at all cost, keeping a score card. You are both working towards the same goal. 

(remember the mission statement for your family) You are on the same team.  If one loses, you both lose.  A win for one is a win for both.  Help each other be the best person you can be.  Build each other up, don't tear each other down.  Remember if one loses you both lose.  

Communication is the key to both success and failure.  Remember that words are like toothpaste, Once they're out they can never be taken back.  That doesn't mean holding back your feelings to avoid a fight, that causes anger and resentment.  It doesn't mean using your words like a baseball bat. They leave a ripple in the heart of your partner that can never be smoothed out. It means learning to talk openly and honestly to your partner about what you need and how you feel.  For that to happen there needs to be trust. 

 Protect each others heart and soul as if  you have been entrusted with the most precious jewels in the world.  Because you have.  Ask your partner what they need to be their best self and then help them achieve their best.  When each partner values the other and supports the other to become their best self everyone wins. Experience your partners joys and successes are if they were your own. 

At the end of the day.... Remember you are both on the same team working towards the same goals. Strengthen the each other because the strength of a family and a future depends on the strength of the foundation.  

The Naked Yogi

I've had these seemingly random thoughts swirling around in my head.  I couldn't make sense of them. Something was missing that would link these thoughts.  I have tried writing.  Sometimes the act of putting the words into sentences helps me make sense of the thoughts.  This time the missing link continued to elude me.

I seriously do my best thinking in the shower. As I was shampooing the missing link become clear. 

The missing link:

Self-acceptance

I recently told a friend that I felt  like it's time to stand naked in the middle of my life. The emotions that this thought brought up is fear, shame, and mostly vulnerability.  What I didn't expect at first is the exhilarating feeling of liberation and freedom that may result from this act of "standing naked in the middle of my life".    (Disclaimer: don't worry children, you will not come home to find your mother on the front lawn naked chanting to the moon)

I realized that my fascination with the TV show "My strange addiction" is rooted in this idea of bringing those parts of ourselves that we keep hidden in the deepest, darkest parts of ourselves out into the light.  Once we allow our souls to be bathed in light we can begin the process of self-acceptance.

At first, I watched the people on "My Strange Addiction" and "My big fat fabulous life" thinking that the missing link was courage.  I was wrong.  First comes vulnerability, then comes self-acceptance.  We accept our vulnerability.  THEN...comes having the courage to "stand naked in the middle of your life".   The result.... Liberation and Freedom.

When we stop hiding who we are we free up so much energy.  We can put this energy into living our life fully and completely. 

Struggling with weight my entire adult life I know all about the energy it takes to hide.  I'm always trying to blend into the background.  Never wanting to draw attention to myself.  I'm always pulling my clothes down, always covering up.  It's exhausting.  So often hiding has held me back from having fun and enjoying my life.  

Standing naked in the middle of your life is scary as hell, no doubt. But once the initial shock has passed imagine the freedom you'll feel.  You don't have to worry about your shirt riding up in your yoga class and exposing your fluffy belly. You can focus on the bliss of that deep back-bend!!

So.. to recap... Here's the recipe for living your best life:

1. acknowledge your vulnerability

2. practice self-acceptance

3. have the courage to  bring your deepest, darkest parts of yourself to the surface

Then - Stand naked in the middle of your life secure in the knowledge that the Grace of God is bathing you in love and light.  This is the liberation we all seek.  (in my humble opinion)

Hari Om!

Love is the product

Love is the product

It isn't something to buy

It can't be forced

It can't be demanded

Love is the product 

Love is the result

of doing the hard work

What's the hard work? 

digesting our experiences

Both good and bad

Each experience of our life is the work

We integrate what we need to grow and 

release what does not serve

 and

Love...is the product

We can't skip over the work and pretend

it's love. 

We aren't flawed if we feel anger,

fear, shame, guilt.... these are valuable emotions

that we can't run away from

Digest these too

learn the lesson being offered by each emotion

and then release them

Love is the product

It's the result

Love is what comes when we learn to digest ALL 

human experiences, the light and the darkness

Love is the product

it's not all cotton candy, fairies and unicorns

Love is result of facing fear head on 

Love is the result of fighting the righteous fight

Facing the darkness is sometimes required

Meditation/yoga/prayer/self-inquiry 

these are the practices by which our experiences are digested

Love is the product 

Don't despair if you aren't feeling Love....

Focus on doing the work and remember

Love is the product

Finding my way home

I've been trying and trying to post for weeks.  Something always prevented me.  Interestingly, I have a recurring dream in which I'm trying and trying to get home but something is always preventing me.

In the dream it's weird stuff like the sidewalk moves, the solid ground beneath my feet turns to quicksand. Doors won't open.  In real life, the things that have been preventing me have been equally weird, 

One of those weird things is having difficulty finding words to adequately express what I want to express.  In my dream I keep trying to get back home, no matter what the obstacle, no matter how exhausted I am.  I'm going to take that as a lesson that even though I'm having difficulty finding words I will  keep trying.  So.... Here goes.

You see my life has been turned upside down over the past year.  The difficulties, obstacles,  challenges, whatever you want to call them, are  being thrown at me faster and with more force than ever before.  There isn't even time to catch my breath before the next one comes.  That's not the strange part, that's just life sometimes. 

The strange part is that with each chaotic, traumatic event, I have noticed a small part of me that isn't freaking out.  This small part of me is witnessing the events of my life in a state of awe.  The witness can look at each trauma and see the beauty in the destruction.  The witness isn't wearing the glasses of past experience nor the glasses of emotions.  From the view point of the witness, vision is crystal clear.  

Each challenge is an opportunity to change and grow.  Every destructive experience offers an opportunity to rebuild something stronger and more durable.  Each storm offers a clearing away of things that have served their purpose which allows the space needed for new growth.  

I'm not suggesting that trauma and destruction do not come with a significant amount of pain.  I'd be lying if I told you that my heart hasn't felt the searing pain of trauma.  I'd be lying if I told you that my ego hasn't been gripped by fear at the destruction.  What I'm telling you is that there is a small part of me that is in a state of calm awareness.  A part of me that is beyond my heart and beyond my ego. This part of me is in awe.  In awe of the beauty  that lies beyond the trauma and destruction.  In awe of the beauty that is infinite possibilities.  

At this point in my evolutionary process I have only gotten glimpses of this small part of me that is the witness.  The glimpses are enough to reassure me of the existence of the witness.  The glimpses are enough to reassure me that the experiences of my life, no matter how painful, serve some higher purpose than what the heart and ego can understand.   The glimpses are enough to encourage me to keep trying and trying to get back home.  Back home to my true nature.  Which I have come to understand is that small, calm place within my Self where I can witness the events of my life from a state of awe.  

I trust in the Divine Will.  Regardless of how weird the circumstance of my life are and how difficult it is to catch my breath sometimes, I will keep trying to get back home. 

Om Namaha Shivaya! 

The fish knows

The fish knows

He understands

what it feels like to be me

The fish knows that without 

water he cannot be

The fish knows what it feels like

to be out of his element and gasping for air

I know

The fish is just like me

I know what it feels like to be out of my element 

and gasping for air

I know that without sadhana I cannot be

I and the fish are one and the same

we must be insane

thinking we'll survive out our element and

gasping for air

Now back to your bowl little fish

enough of this struggling to breath

The water is waiting to welcome you home 

I too must return to my sadhana

where the Divine Mother is waiting to welcome

me home