Are you listening?

For years I've had this recurring dream.   A nightmare actually.  In the dream I'm the only one who notices that someone is about to open fire in a crowded place.  I'm in a panic because I know what's about to happen.  How do I warn people without bringing attention to myself?  How can I save everyone?  Why isn't anyone else seeing what I'm seeing?  What should I do?

The details change.  Sometimes I'm in a bank, sometimes I'm in a school, Once I was at an outdoor sporting event.  What's always the same is that I can see something that no one else sees.  What's always the same is people don't listen to my warnings.

Dreams seem to carry powerful messages for me.   I've been trying to understand the messages of this particular dream for a long time.   The fact that it's so dramatic and intense makes it hard to think about.  The fact that it's recurring means that as hard as it is to look at it's imperative that I get the message. 

It's March 16, 2020.  We are in the middle of a global pandemic.  Everyone is understandably freaking out.  It's a dramatic and intense time, much like in my dream.   Some businesses have listened to the warnings and closed while others have not listened to the warnings.  Some people are taking the warning of social distancing seriously while others...have not.

Even in yoga-land,  people are understandably freaking out.   So many people I know were struggling financially before Covid19 and will now most certainly suffer even more.  How do we quarantine ourselves when so many of us depend on our social interactions for not only financial support but also mental and emotional support?   What should we do?

There's a moment in the dream where I think to myself, maybe I'm over-reacting.  Maybe it's not a mass shooting that's about to happen.   What will people think if I'm wrong?  If it was anything serious surely someone else would notice before me. 

But what if I'm not wrong?  What if I don't speak up and people die because I was too afraid to speak up?  Even if no one listens I have to at least do my part to warn people.  How could I live with myself if I stand by and do nothing?

The message of the dream is this.... 

*   be quiet

*   pay attention to your surroundings

*   speak up even if you're scared 

*   trust your gut

*   trust someone else's gut when they give you a warning that might seem strange or weird

*   be still 

*   use this time of quarantine for contemplation 

*   not everything needs to be a social gathering

*   get  back to basics

*   exam your values 

*   old ways of working and living are no longer an option ... look for another way 

*   look out for one another; share your resources

*   take only what you need 

*  respect Mother Nature or suffer the consequences, the choice is yours

The Goddess, Durga is the great warrior Goddess of Protection.   When your mind begins to run out of control during these dramatic and intense times call on her.  Since your mind is going to obsess anyway give it something good to obsess over. When you don't know what to do repeat her mantra:  Om Hreem Shreem Dum Durgaya Namaha.

My heart hurts today

My heart hurts today.  

Another revered teacher exposed.  He wasn't my teacher but it still hurts.   Another story on the news.  Hindus killing Muslims in the name of religion.  I'm not a Hindu or a Muslim but it still hurts.  More people being used and abused.  It's not me this time, but it still hurts.   My heart hurts today and I don't know what to do about it.  

Yoga has always been my saving Grace.  The spiritual practice of yoga has literally pulled me out of a darkness that I never thought I could come back from.  Yoga is where I learned who I truly am.  

But today.....I'm questioning. 

Today....my heart hurts. 

Sadly, I wasn't surprised to hear about another teacher who has "fallen from Grace".   He isn't the first and he certainly won't be the last.  Truthfully,  I feel like it's good for things like this to be exposed.  

I'm grateful to the students who are finally saying enough is enough.  I acknowledge the strength and bravery it took for them to come forward.  

What did surprise me is the story on NPR this morning. There's fighting in India between the Hindus and Muslims in the name of religion.  For years I've been telling people that what appeals to me about the Hindu religion is that you are free to worship God in whatever way you see fit.  Yoga has taught me that having a personal relationship with God is what is most important.  BOY! DO I HAVE EGG ON MY FACE!  I clearly don't know anything about the Hindu religion.   Nor do I know anything about the Muslim religion.  What I do know is that when I heard the gut wrenching cries of the Muslim woman upon hearing the news that her son was killed my heart broke into a million pieces.  What I do know is a Mother's love... and pain. 

Today... I'm questioning....What about Ahimsa?

Ahimsa:  A Hindu spiritual doctrine that literally means respect for all living things and avoidance of violence toward others. Read that again... Respect for all livings things and avoidance of violence towards others. 

The other day I was talking to a fellow yoga teacher.  She was understandably upset over the stories that are coming out about her teacher.  It's heartbreaking to learn that someone you love and respected isn't who you thought they were.  This teacher who did these horrible things to people is also the teacher who taught so many students the powerful practices of yoga.  The same teacher who destroyed people's lives is also the same teacher who saved people's lives through the sacred teachings of yoga.   

This is the same struggle I've had with the Catholic church.  When I learned about the priests who did horrible things to the children I was heartbroken.  When I learned about how systemic and insidious the abuse is I was physically sick to my stomach.  I vowed to never step foot in a Catholic church again as long as I live.  But the same church that destroyed so many lives is also the same church that has saved so many other lives. 

Like my friend, Ananda, I don't want to stop practicing yoga any more than I want to stop praying the Rosary.  How do I continue to share the teachings of yoga when so much of it has been tainted by violence?  How can I continue to share my love for the Blessed Mother and the Rosary when so much of the Catholic religion has been tainted by violence?   Where do I go from here? 

For starters,  it's time to let go of the labels which separate us.  It's time to let go of the religions that make enemies of our neighbors.  It's time to let go of greed. It's time to let go of the desire for power over others.  It's time to let go of the veils that prevent us from seeing the truth.  

I cannot control the actions of others but I can control my actions.  I will choose love over hate.   I will stand up and protect those who aren't able to protect themselves.  I will not turn a blind eye to abuse.  Above all, I am committed to upholding the fundamental doctrine of Ahimsa. 

The spiritual practice of Yoga has always been a safe space for me.  I intent to do everything in my power to make sure that it continues to be a safe space for myself and for the students who choose to practice with me. 

Change is bittersweet

It hit me today.  I've known it would happen but today the reality of it hit me.  Tomorrow morning will be the last yoga class I take in this space.  As I sat at the coffee shop sipping Chai I looked across the street.  Reminiscing  about the first class I took at Yoga on Main.  

It was a Saturday morning and the first person I met when I opened the door to Yoga on Main was a woman named Kate. She had long hair, almost down to her feet.  She greeted me with a smile and a hug as she said "I'm so glad you're here." In that moment I had no idea how much my life would change; how much I would change.

My love affair with yoga had begun many years before.  By the time I arrived at Yoga on Main I had established a home practice and I was meditating daily.  Actually, I was already teaching by then.  My regular yoga teacher had stopped teaching on Saturdays so I was just looking for a place to practice.  What I found was so much more.   

Yoga on Main is not just a yoga studio.  I don't think there are words to adequately convey what Yoga on Main is but I'm going to try.  A lot of people, when they first come to YOM, say they can feel the years of spiritual practice that has happened in the space.  Some returning students have referred to YOM as the "mother ship" and expressed that coming back to the studio is like coming back home to refuel.   Some have said that no matter how far away they travel or how long they have been away they are comforted knowing that YOM is always there.  In a world of constant change YOM has been a stable base for so many people.  It's been a spring board for others. Over the years many students have been trained here and have gone on to become incredible yoga teachers themselves. Many opening their own studios near and far.  

At Yoga on Main I learned how to be a yoga teacher, and an Ayurveda Lifestyle consultant but most importantly I learned how to be a yoga student.  I have learned the tools necessary to navigate the journey to self-realization.  I started practicing yoga as a way to relieve stress but the practice has also taken me into the depths of my soul.  For me, Yoga on Main is a sacred container.  In that space I feel safe to explore, to let my guard down, to be vulnerable, to be authentically ME.

In this sacred space I have learned to look at the challenges in life as a opportunity to put the teachings of yoga into practice.  I have learned that yoga isn't just the physical practice that we do once a week in yoga class.  I've learned that yoga is a way of living in harmony with nature and with each other.  

Let's face it though,  Yoga is not all love and light and cotton candy.  This practice of yoga is hard sometimes.  I have had my fair share of challenges even in yoga land.  I've come face to face with my own ego and the ego of others.  Those times when my ego got the best of me I would feel ashamed about the way I handled situations.  I would return to Yoga on Main,  head down in shame and I would be greeted with open arms and the world famous, Shiva Das hug.  In those moments I learned forgiveness in my teacher's example. 

This sacred space that is Yoga on Main cannot be contained in the four walls of a building.  The scared space that is Yoga on Main is a way of living, it is a practice of living in harmony with nature and in harmony with each other.   Yoga on Main is a community of teachers, students, and spiritual seekers.  The wisdom, love, and support provided to so many is so big and so deep that no building can contain it.  

The "mother-ship" is moving but the sacred container that is Yoga on Main will remain the same safe haven it's always been.  No matter how far we travel or how long we've been away there will always be Yoga on Main waiting with open arms, a smile and the feeling of  "I'm so glad you're here"  

The man with the conch shell

I recently ran into a man that I had met only once a couple of years ago.  I greeted him with "it's nice to see you again."  To which he replied "it's nice to be seen."   That simple statement "it's nice to be seen." has been rolling around in my head for a couple of weeks now.  It reminded me of Mrs. Greene, the principle at the elementary school.

Mrs. Greene and I didn't always see eye to eye when Tayler was at Overlook but the year Jake started I had a change of heart.  It was Mrs. Greene who introduced me, and the whole school, to an African word, "Ubantu".   Ubantu, she explained, was a way to say I see you.  You are because I am.  It is a reminder of our shared humanity.   When children are acting out  they are seeking attention.  When Mrs. Greene would notice students not getting along she would say "Ubantu" to remind the children of the Ubantu philosophy:  I see you.  You and I are one.  She felt that if the children felt "seen" they would have less reason to act out. 

I've spent most of my life hiding.  Doing my best to blend into the background.  I choose the spot in the back of the room always.   I cringe when the Facebook notification says "someone has tagged you in a photo" And yet, there is an innate need to be seen.  

"It's nice to be seen" 

It is this innate need to be seen that causes some people to be boastful.  To be honest, I mentally slap people who act like Peacocks displaying their feathers.  I'm not proud of it but it's true.  I have no tolerance for people that constantly want to be the center of attention.  I want to scream at them: 

"YOU ARE NOT THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE!!" I hear myself thinking "Get over yourself'" when someone is trying hard to impress me with how wonderful they are and how much they have accomplished. Then I beat myself up for being so mean.  I tell myself that it's the green eyed monster of jealousy that is making me feel so irritated.   

In a moment of clarity I recognize myself in those peacocks.  I remember our shared humanity, Ubantu.  I remember that the same innate human desire to be seen is in me and in you.  How we express this desire may be different but it comes from the same place.  

It's nice to be seen but I have no control over what others see in me.  Instead, I will focus on making an effort to be more present with others so that I may SEE beyond the ego personality.   Who ARE we beyond our ego personality?  Can I see that within myself? Can I see it in others?  What does it feel like to really be seen?   

Ubantu... I see you.  I'm grateful to the man with the conch shell who reminded me "It's nice to be seen." 

Compassion

"Where's the compassion?"  I've spent a lot time thinking about  compassion since that question was posed to me.   First thing I did was look up the definition of compassion.

Compassion; noun  (online dictionary)
"sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortune of others." 

This is the one I liked the best:
"compassion literally means to suffer together." (greatergood.berkeley.edu)

Then I read a bunch of online articles about what compassion is. I consulted the Bhagavad Gita and the Upanishads.   I watched some podcasts about it.  I had resolved to learn everything I could about compassion.

At the end of my week long search I can say, with a fair amount of certainty, that where compassion is not is in my head.   What I did find in my head was a lot of negative self-talk.  I kept telling myself that I am somehow deficient in the "compassion department".   How can I feel compassion for people who have hurt me?  That's crazy!!  No way!!  I'm not feeling sorry for those people! 

Get out of your head and into your heart. 

This morning a sat for meditation with the thought that I had failed at finding compassion.  Sitting in front of my alter I prayed to the Divine Mother to show me the way.  There wasn't much time after meditation to journal. I was already running late for work but as I showered I felt myself getting angry.  

I am a compassionate person!!! and just like that... I found where compassion is.   It's in my heart.  It was as if the Divine Mother turned the light on in my heart. I could see clearly that love, empathy, and compassion are qualities of my true nature.  

Through out the day today I had flashes of memories.  Memories where I felt hurt or betrayed.    When I observed those memories I was seeing the actions of the other person.  It wasn't until I turned my focus inward towards myself that I was able to see "where the compassion was".  It was in my ability to forgive over and over.  It was in my ability to keep showing up wholeheartedly.  It was in my ability to see that the actions of the person doing the hurting were motivated by their own pain and suffering.  

The Divine Mother's light in my heart helped me to see that in my effort for self preservation I had hardened my heart.  At the time, it felt like the only way for me to free myself from the endless cycle of abuse that had become my dysfunctional marriage.  I had come to believe that my capacity for forgiveness was a sign of weakness.  I must  be stupid to have stayed in an unhealthy relationship for so long.  I was wrong, I wasn't stupid or weak.  I have compassion for the suffering of others.  I am blessed with a great capacity to "suffer together".  Feeling the pain and suffering of others as if it were my own is compassion.  

One of the articles I read said that compassion is not only feeling the suffering of others but also wanting to help.  The fact of the matter is that sometimes the most compassionate thing we can do to help someone is to show them that their actions have consequences.  I can be a compassionate person and maintain strong boundaries.  I can feel compassion for your suffering and  still hold you accountable for your actions when you use your suffering as an excuse to hurt others. 

Now, the work is to have compassion for myself and acknowledge that I am doing the very best I can.  Allowing myself to soften and open my heart again will take time, patience and self compassion.  I have faith that returning to my true nature will be worth the effort. 

"Where's the compassion?"  In the lotus of the heart.  Om Mani Padme Hum.

The Yoga of Motherhood

At yoga this morning a woman said (about motherhood) "even though it was really hard I wouldn't have it any other way. "  Her daughter is grown and she has the 20/20 vision of hindsight on her side.  My initial thought was how lucky she is that she doesn't have any regrets.

My kids are mostly grown too. My vision, however, was not as clear at first.   For a second I missed the part where she said "It was really hard..."   I sometimes regret not having the option to be a stay at home mom.  I sometimes still worry that I could have done things better. I sometimes still feel somehow deficient.  Still.... I wouldn't have it any other way.   As we all know, motherhood takes us to the brink of insanity nearly every day but it also shows us our infinity capacity to love.

As I was reflecting on my experiences with motherhood I could see very clearly that it has provided plenty of  opportunities  to practice the teachings of yoga.

Things like "non-attachment" might seem foreign to some but to a mom, it's a daily experience.
"Where's my favorite coffee mug?"  Oh... there it is in the basement with paint brushes in it.  Eating soup with a fork because all the spoons have mysteriously disappeared.  I could write a book entitled "The Nicholson mysteries"  about all the exercises in non-attachment.  The mystery of the missing spoons is just the latest edition.

Learning to stay one pointed in the midst of chaos.  There's a story of a yoga master that was able to meditate in the middle of New York City.  He's got nothing on yoga-moms.  Have you ever tried to cook dinner with kids fighting, barking dogs chasing each other while still wearing your work clothes and not loose your mind?  When I started meditating my kids were little.  I would set a timer outside my bedroom door.  It didn't take long before I'd hear whispers and then fighting on the other side of that door.  Still, I flexed my discipline muscles and continued to sit in "meditation" until the timer went off.  As I learned "one pointed concentration" my kids learned boundaries and the importance of self-care.  They may have caused chaos but they rarely opened the door.

Ever heard of ahimsa?  Ahimsa is a first principle in yoga --  Non-harming.  That might seem obvious to new moms rocking their sweet little ones who coo and smile at them all day.  It's much harder when your teenager screams "I hate you!!  you're ruining my life".  I never understood how anyone could hurt their child until..... PUBERTY.  I shudder to think what kind of mother I would have been without my yoga practice.

All I ever really wanted from the yoga practice was equanimity of mind.  I wanted to be able to maintain composure regardless of what was going on around me.   Lucky for me God is generous and gives me lots of chances to practice.  From, everyday chances like when the dog destroys yet another sofa to extreme chances like when my daughter nearly dies in childbirth.  What I've learned is that although it's important to maintain composure in the moment it's also important that we acknowledge our emotions and allow ourselves to feel them.... Even if that means meltdowns in the shower.  Teaching little kids how to deal with really BIG emotions is done by example.   If we don't allow our children to see us feeling our feelings then they grow up without the tools to process their own.  This is one of the many balancing "poses" moms practice daily.  The balance between maintaining composure so that kids feel safe but also allowing them to see us feeling our feelings.

Perhaps the most interesting experience of motherhood is the ability to hold two opposing emotions at the same time. The moment you can feel so much love that your heart could burst and at the same time wanting to loose your shit when you see your daughter carved "I love you Mom" on your beautiful wood dining room table.  The moment  your kid comes home way past curfew and you feel relief that they are still alive and at the same time wanting to kill them for ignoring curfew.   How about that feeling of pride when you see what truly great humans your kids are and at the same time feeling so much guilt and self doubt worrying about all the mistakes you've made.

Every motherhood moment is simultaneously filled with the greatest joy you've ever known and with the most overwhelming fear and anxiety.  Motherhood is not "having no regrets"   It's about doing the best you can.  It's about loving fiercely.

"Even though it's really hard, I wouldn't have it any other way."   I couldn't agree more, Vicki.

Good night to Swaha

Tonight feels like a good night to swaha. 

Swaha is what we say as we offer our intentions into the fire for transformation. 

Swaha is I offer, I release 

 I offer my gratitude 

Swaha!

 I release fear

Swaha!

 I offer myself in service

Swaha!

I release worry

Swaha!

I offer my heart with love and compassion

Swaha!

I release resentment 

Swaha!

I offer forgiveness to myself and others

Swaha! 

I release anger and frustration

Swaha!

I offer my home to anyone who needs a safe space

Swaha!

I release all that no longer services me 

Swaha! 

I offer kindness and understanding

Swaha

I release the heaviness in my heart

Swaha!

I offer my thoughts, words, and deeds as instruments of God's Divine Will.

Swaha!

I release my ego at the feet of the Divine Mother

Swaha!