Freedom of Speech

I am in a unique position in my life.  I have one foot in yoga-land and the other in the "real world".  

For years I thought this was a hindrance to my spiritual growth.  I now see that it is the ultimate blessing.  

This morning, after my yoga class, a new student said to me that she really appreciated my "teaching" at the beginning of class.  What I shared changed her experience during the physical practice. Today's bhavana was inspired by the book I'm reading, The Untethered Soul, by Michael Singer.  

In the book, the author talks about a dog who's nature it is to run free that suddenly finds himself in a backyard with an electric fence.  The dog, attempts to run  free but hits the invisible boundary and is shocked.  He learns that if he goes too close to the boundary it's uncomfortable so he stays in the yard.   The author goes on to talk about how some dogs are determined to be free.  The determined dog will gradually get closer and closer to the boundary.  He begins to adjust to the discomfort, little by little.  One day, he moves right through the discomfort, crosses the boundary and HE'S FREE! The discomfort is temporary.  Once he crosses it, he's free.  

The last few days I've been feeling like the dog in the yard with the electric fence. I'm becoming more aware, not only of the fact that the electric fence is my own self-imposed boundary, but also to what extent I will go to avoid being uncomfortable.  

There are so many areas in my life that I can see this at play but none as such as in my speech.  For most of my life I never felt comfortable speaking my mind to people.   Well, let me re-phrase that.  It wasn't so much  my mind I had trouble expressing, it was my heart.  I've gotten better at it but I still find myself holding back when I feel uncomfortable about what I want to say.  Speaking from the heart makes me feel vulnerable and that vulnerability is uncomfortable. 

I can see now, that my inability to move through the discomfort of speaking what was in my heart was a huge contributing factor in the break-down of my marriage.  I was afraid to stand up for myself.  I allowed my heart to be ripped to shreds to avoid the discomfort of speaking up.  The discomfort that I was afraid of was being alone, being unlovable.  In the end, I was alone all along.  In the end, I was unlovable... to myself.   The more I held back what was in my heart the more alone and unlovable I felt.  The self-imposed boundary that I put in place to protect myself ended up being what caused me the most pain.  

I'm learning to move through the discomfort.  Little by little, I'm sharing from my heart.  When I take risks and actually  teach from my own personal experience, from my heart,  about how I apply the teachings of yoga to my day to day life, I'm free...  

There's a catch though... Just like when we practice asana, it's not about pushing past the boundary it's about flirting with our edge.  Learning to be comfortable being uncomfortable.  Moving slowly, mindfully, consciously, closer and closer to the self-imposed boundary allowing ourselves time to adjust to a new reality.  

The journey

I'm on the train for the long journey home

Sometimes its quiet 

Sometimes there's a lot of distractions

I need to learn to find comfort

for the long journey home

I watch the scenery out the window

Sometimes it's so beautiful it takes my breath away

Sometimes it's dark and scary

I need to learn to find comfort

for the long journey home 

Passengers board and passengers leave

Sometimes the seat next to me is taken by kindness

Sometimes it's harshness

I need to learn to find comfort

for the long journey home

When the scenery is dark and scary 

When the next seat is filled with anger 

I want to leave the train

"this isn't the right train" I tell myself

But this is the train home 

My heart longs to be home 

so 

I need to learn to find comfort

After all,  the scenery and the passengers

come and go

I am just a traveler on the long journey home 

 

Don't believe everything you think.

When you discover someone lied to you, you feel betrayed and hurt.  You begin to question everything that person ever said to you.  Suddenly the memories flood back into your mind.
There were clues.  There were times when your gut was telling you something was off but you
didn't want to see the truth.. You believed what you were told rather than what you knew to
be the truth.   What you heard was a better story than what you felt.   Why do we accept what
we are told so easily?  Why are we so afraid to question what people offer as the truth?

When we learn the practice of meditation we begin by sitting with our eyes closed watching ourselves breath.   Once we're comfortable watching the breath we step back even further and watch our thoughts.  This practice of watching is often referred to as stepping into our "witness consciousness"   It is suggested that from this place of the witness we engage the buddhi, which is the state from which we can be more discerning and where we can "see" the truth.

My personal experience is that sometimes I don't want to "see" the truth.   The story my senses are telling me is so much more appealing than what I know to be true.  Once you know the truth there's no way to not know it.  When you discover how the magic trick works the fun of the illusion is gone.
Or is it?

It's not a secret that I hold myself and everyone else to a very high standard.  My moral compass is set very high and seems to be glued in place.  Contrary to popular belief, I still don't think that's a bad thing.  I like order and structure so rules are important.   It's good to know the difference between right and wrong.   Interestingly though, I've begun to question what I believe to be right and wrong.

When my mind is clear from the senseless chatter,  I step into that state of the witness.   I have to admit that I'm pretty shocked at some of the thoughts that I witness.  Even more shocking is how strongly I BELIEVE the thoughts to be true.  Without question, I believe everything my mind thinks!  Is everyone this naive?  Do you believe everything your mind tells you?

Imagine how shocked and betrayed I felt when I realize that my mind has been lying to me!!  Very clearly,  I saw that some of my firmly held beliefs were A BIG FAT LIE!  So I begin to question.  The hurt and betrayal are temporary... Those feelings are being replaced with a sense of freedom and curiosity.

It all comes back to the practice of yoga/meditation.  When you are firmly established in your practice and can be in that witness state you can begin to see those long held "beliefs".  Are they true? Are they helpful? Are they kind?   Then you can CHOOSE which beliefs to hold on to and which no longer serve you.

Important yoga lesson of the day.... You don't have to believe everything you think.  It's good to question your beliefs.  Just because everyone believes it to be true doesn't make it true.  Test the theory.  Feel the story. How does it feels?  The truth will set you free.  Do your beliefs free you or enslave you?  

Love is a verb

Today someone said "Love is a verb. An action word not a noun."  I immediately had a flash back to Catholic elementary school.  Verbs are underlined in red pen and nouns are circled.   If the sentence is:  I love you.  It's obvious the word love would get underlined.  Why have I never given this any thought?   At what point did love become a feeling instead of an action word?

The thought that hijacked my brain today is "What is the action that I take that is love?"   How would you answer that question?  Go ahead and tell me.. I really want to know.   In yoga-land in particular people are always proclaiming their love for each other.  That's the easy part.  Saying I love you is easy.  But what's the action behind the words?

Over the past year there have been multiple occasions when I needed help.  Help with things like home repairs, broken down cars, learning how to use that DAMN weed wacker!  I needed help. I'm not really comfortable asking for help.  I have this belief, I'll admit a stupid one, but a belief that people should be paying attention and should just realize that I need help.  When I realized that wasn't getting me anywhere I swallowed my pride and reached out.  So many people tell me they love me and offer their assistance.  "If I can help you in anyway, call me."  Sadly, I discovered that those were mostly empty words.   I have certainly learned who my friends are and who I can actually count on this past year.

Don't worry.... I'm not trying to make anyone feel guilty... The point I'm trying to make is that I have learned how to love through this experience.  I learned  not to  offer my help or love unless I'm prepared to back it up with action.  Something weird happened to me.  One day, after my frustration and mental temper tantrum completely wore me out, I realized that the reason I'm experiencing these things is to teach me valuable lessons.  (yes, I know, I'm a slow learner!) Like when I feel sad that my kids don't have dinner with me I  remember how that feels when my own mom calls and asks me to go have dinner with her.  Even if I'm tired and I'd rather stay in I remember how the feeling and I go.  That's an action of love.

Love is a verb.  The action is to live your life in such a way that everyone around you feels your love. Then, words won't be necessary when our actions transit love.  It's not enough to say  "Love is the best medicine"  Even the best medicine in the world won't cure you if you don't take it.  Love is verb.  There must be an action that makes "love the best medicine".  

Just to be clear... The action of love doesn't have to some grand, dramatic gesture. Some of the most profound actions of love have been things like, a woman I hardly knew saw the severe burn on my hand and offered me some burn cream.  Another woman who volunteered to come to house in the middle of a heat wave to help me sand my front porch.   A friend who showed up my door with her tiller and car filled with tomato plants who worked her ass off to help me plant my garden after my surgery.  Someone's parents who extended a hand to help my daughter with her car.  There were others... but these random acts of kindness are love in action.

I ask you again,... What is the action that you  take that is love?   Love is verb, not a noun.

Dear fear....

Dear Fear,

I'm breaking up with you.  Even though you and I have a LONG history together I can no longer be with you.  I love my kidneys now....

I was about 7 months pregnant with my daughter, Tayler, the first time I had a kidney stone.  That was 20 years ago.  Over the past 20 years I've had several other "episodes" with kidney stones.  This last episode landed me in surgery to remove a stone that was stuck in my bladder.  After the surgery I vowed to eat right and drink enough to avoid another kidney stone.  It was a truly awful experience that I want to put behind me and forget about.

Today I was listening to an astrology report and the astrologer was talking about how our emotions effect our organs.  Fear is related to the kidneys according to the astrologer.   I had heard this before but didn't give it much thought.  I did research kidney stones from an Ayurvedic perspective.  I read about what foods are likely to cause kidney stones but it wasn't until today that I decided to research how emotions effect the kidneys.

A quick google search and I found this "Kidney problems are particularly concerned with issues related to fear with a focus on relationships, such as unexpressed grief or emotional insecurity."
Wow...  The kidneys' job is "discriminate between what is harmful and what is beneficial".
Kidney stones "are like unshed tears that have become solidified."

I'm doing my best to take care of my kidneys with diet and drinking lots of water.  Now it's time to take care of my kidneys by releasing fear.  As most of you know by now, at the end of last summer my marriage came to an end.  Just shy of our 25 wedding anniversary.  This past year has been a year filled with fear, sadness, emotional insecurity and grief.  Although, truth be told, these are emotions that I can trace back to my childhood and I would venture to say maybe even back to previous lifetimes.

Through my practice of yoga and meditation and by the Grace of God, I have had moments of clarity. In these brief moments I can see beyond the momentary situation or experience to what my underlying emotions were.  The google search was right.  At the root of all my relationships with people I loved was fear.  Fear of not being good enough,  Fear that the person I loved would abandon me, fear that if I expressed myself that my loved one would get angry and wouldn't love me anymore.
Unexpressed grief and emotional insecurity are not good foundations upon which to build long lasting relationships.  Dear fear,  I recognize that you are a valuable tool to remind me to proceed with caution but I will no longer stay stuck in fear.   My kidney troubles have taught me a valuable lesson.  The job of a kidney is to discriminate between what is harmful and what is beneficial.  Fear will be my signal to engage my power of discernment.  In each situation and relationship I will assimilate what is beneficial and I will release what is harmful.

Dear Kidneys, thanks for the wake up call.  I am ready to step forward in faith.

Authentically vulnerable

I make a very conscientious effort to be authentic in every area of my life.  Authenticity is something that I value. So many times I've heard myself saying "This is me, the good, the bad, and the ugly".

I really believed these statements to be true.  Then one day I was talking to a friend about how someone hurt my feelings.  I told him that I was upset with this person.  "No, I haven't told him how I feel" I tell my friend.   I value my relationship with this person and I'm afraid that if I tell him how I feel that it may put a strain on the relationship.  Is this relationship that I value authentic?  How can it be authentic if I don't feel like it could handle an honest conversation?

Someone I know is behaving in a way that makes me uncomfortable. Sneaking around, gossiping, and looking to make trouble for others.  I considered this person a friend but her behavior making it hard to continue being her friend.  How can I trust her? Trust is the foundation of any relationship.  How authentic am I if  I can't express my feelings for fear that they will be used against me?

The relationship between vulnerability and authenticity is a very curious thing.  When we choose to be authentic vulnerability is part of the package.  Isn't it?   Can you be authentic without being vulnerable?  Whenever I have to express my authentic feelings I do feel vulnerable.  What if the other person views my vulnerability as a weakness and uses it to attack me?  Is it safe to be authentic with everyone?  Is "selective authenticity" really authentic?

I feel incredibly vulnerable when I show up as my authentic self.  What if someone doesn't like the authentic me?  What if  I speak my authentic feelings from my heart and someone is offended, or worse gets angry?   Is the act of living your life with authenticity worth the risk of being vulnerable?

I believe that once we all let our guards down and choose authenticity we can see that our vulnerabilities are not so different.  When we see that we are all struggling with the same need to be accepted, same need to be loved, same need to be heard we may begin to help each other up instead of looking for ways to tear each other down.

It is only when we can accept our own vulnerabilities that we can begin to truly live authentically.  Once we are comfortable in our vulnerabilities then we must hold space for others to do the work to find comfort in their vulnerability.

It takes a tremendous amount of strength to look authentically at our vulnerabilities.  It takes even more strength to find comfort in them.  How comfortable are you being authentically vulnerable?

Sometimes I struggle.

Sometimes I struggle....

It's hard to understand God's master plan. 

It's all perfect the yoga teacher says.

Today the perfection is hidden behind the struggles

like the sun hidden behind the clouds. 

Sometimes I struggle....

The shadow emotions hit me like a tidal wave. 

The wind gets knocked out of me. 

Dear God... I'm trying to have faith.

I try to remember your Grace that flows so abundantly some days.

Today is just one moment. 

Tomorrow another. 

Sometimes I struggle....

I am not the general contractor of the universe

that position is already filled.

Arrogance is behind my desire for life to be different than what it is.

After all how can I presume to know better than God how things should be. 

Sometimes I struggle....

I want to fight against the injustice and injury. 

I want to cry at the sadness. 

My tears wash away the ego that clouds my inner vision.

It's all in God's hands.  

Sometimes I struggle...

Then I remember the power behind it all.

"Know him to be enshrined in your heart always.

Truly there is nothing more in life to know.

Meditate and realize this world

is filled with the presence of God." 

(Shvetashvatara Upanishad)