The tree said...Let Go!

When summer comes to an end, do the trees struggle to release their leaves?  

When night comes, does the sun struggle against the darkness? 

Do the flowers, at the end of their time, struggle to hold on to their petals? 

At the end of the winter, does the ice resist melting into the soil? 

Does a seed hold tight and fight against the cracking open? 

The answers can be heard in the whispers of the wind through the tress. 

The tress do not struggle against the changing of the seasons.  At the end, the leaves 

are gracefully, effortless released from the tress.  The wise old tree knows that in order

for the new leaves to grow it must first release the old. 

 The moon doesn't fight the ever changing phases. The wise old moon knows that in order 

for it to be full again, it must first surrender to the darkness. 

The sun doesn't struggle against the darkness.  The wise old sun knows that in order to fully

appreciate the light we must first experience the darkness. 

Does the seed know that the trauma of cracking open is necessary in order to bloom into 

something beautiful?  Who can know for sure... Yet, still it surrenders it's form willingly. 

And in the surrender, beauty is born.

Does the little caterpillar know that in order to fly it must first die?  Who can know for sure...

Yet, still it surrenders it's form willingly.  And in the surrender it discovers it's wings to fly.

Do you know what beauty you were meant to bloom forth?  Who can know for sure.... 

Are you listening to the whispers in the wind?  Can you hear the message from the wise old tree.

It is in the darkness and surrender that beauty grows.  We must release what has come to it's 

natural end so that we can move gracefully into the next season of our life with the same gracefulness

as the leaves in the fall. 

Food for the soul

I have so few childhood memories but the few I do have usually involve food. I remember one day coming out of kindergarten to find my father and my uncle Bob waiting for me. They walked me home from school. My Uncle Bob and Aunt Jenny had come for dinner. My mom was in the kitchen cooking. I can still smell the food. I climbed on a chair to help my mom bread the chicken cutlets.

This time of the year always reminds me of the ritual of making tomatoes sauce and roasting peppers and making pickled eggplants. These are my favorite childhood memories. My mom and my zia always cooking.

This past week-end I had the great privilege of co-facilitating a women's yoga retreat with a teacher who I love and respect. She introduced me to the Wise Earth Ayurveda sadhanas. These are beautiful spiritual practices that involve food and breath and sound. The blending of food and yoga has been a magical experience for me.

During our retreat, Padmashree introduced us to a mandala making sadhana. We used various grains and beans to create a mandala. Each of us added to the design, a few beans or grains at a time. While we chanted the vow of Ahimsa (non-harming) a beautiful image began to unfold. I was transported back to my childhood. The kitchen full of woman adding one ingredient at a time.

At the end of the sadhana we had collectively created a beautiful work of art. As we stepped back to admire the beautiful image it didn't matter who placed which beans where. It was through the effort of the collective working together that a beautiful work of art was created.

The practice had awakened in me that memory of my mom and my zia and even us kids cooking together and sharing a meal. All of us collectively, washing and cutting tomatoes. All of us collectively peeling peppers. All of us collectively preparing the food that would nourish us. When we sat down together at the table it didn't matter who added which ingredient or who made which part of the meal. The collective effort of the woman working together to create the beautiful meal nourished not only our physical bodies but also our souls.

I have so few childhood memories but the ones that I do hold on to usually involve food.  Food and a circle of women. The food always tasted so much better when it was prepared together and eaten together. It was infused with a little extra bit of love.

It is through the power of the collective working together, for the greater good, and without ego that beauty is created.

                                I take the vow of ahimsa
                     I make inner harmony my first priority

                               I take the vow of ahimsa
                        in my thoughts, speach and action

Things are not always as they seem.

What does a baby possum, Robin Williams' death, and the Pele report have in common?  Here's another clue... Things are not always as they seem.

The baby possum was injured and dying....Not really, he was playing dead and escaped as soon as the opportunity presented itself.   Robin Williams had it all, money, fame, family, everyone loved him, he was a happy, fun loving guy....Not really,  he clearly was wrestling demons that no one on the outside knew anything about.  Yesterday's Pele report (astrological forecast) confirmed the theme, things are not always as they seem.   There's so much more happening than what we perceive on a physical level.

For some of you maybe this doesn't come as such a shock.  If you've been practicing yoga/meditation even for a short time you have probably gotten a glimpse of the subtle energy that shifts and changes when we practice.    For those you who haven't experienced it for yourself, well, now is the time to pay attention. 

For years I've been aware that at times what I'm seeing and hearing on a physical level does not match what I feel on an internal level.  This has caused me much anxiety and trauma.  I've also identified this as the cause of my self-doubt and also the source of my difficulty with trust.

Things aren't always as they seem.   It's hard to trust the sensory input but trusting our intuition is vital.
Now, more than ever, I feel that it is imperative that we pay attention to our internal world. It's time to shine the light into the deep, dark corners of our hearts, mind and soul.

The great meditation teacher, Eknath Easwaren once used the analogy of a driver who takes great care of his vehicle.  He washes it and waxes it and even has the seat belts embroidered but never looks under the hood to check the oil.   Sure, it's nice to have a beautiful external environment but what good is it if your internal environment is dilapidated from neglect?

I had to stop watching the news and reading the paper. I remember one day standing in the line at the grocery store. I saw an imagine of a mother holding her child who was dying of starvation.  The image affected me so much that nearly 20 years later it still haunts me.  The look of seer helplessness and despair on that mother's face was so powerful and it touch a place within me that felt that same helplessness and despair.  I was standing in line at the grocery store filled with food while a child lie dying of starvation and there was nothing I could do to help. 

The Pele report I watched this morning held the key for me. The message was loud and clear. I need to repair and clean up my internal environment.  In doing so it will have a positive effect on my external environment.  I can't help that starving child in the newspaper. Rather than wallowing in the feelings of helplessness and despair I can work on being more mindful that I don't waste food.  That I only take in what I need. I can share food with others in my community.  On an even deeper level, I can explore where in my life do I feel like I'm starving.  What am I starving for?

There isn't much we can do to stop the wars that are raging on but we can address the internal wars that have been raging for generations. We do  have the capacity to stop the internal wars. When we practice resolving inner conflicts then the conflicts with others won't be so difficult.  Violence and anger cannot be defected with violence and anger.  Have you ever seen a parent slap their child and say "We don't slap our friends!  that's not nice!"  Their actions say one thing while they attempt to convey the opposite message.

Ultimately, what I'm finally beginning to understanding on a deeper level is that everything we experience on an external level is a reflection of our internal environment.  When our inner world is filled with conflict we experience the external physical world also as filled with conflict.  

Things are not always as they seem.  Daily spiritual practice is the tool we need to remove the veils of maya that keep us from seeing the truth.  Turn within and begin the work of repairing and rebuilding your internal environment. Sometimes we need help repairing.  Seek help. In doing so, you are giving someone the opportunity to be of service.  It may seem like they are helping you but you might end up being the one who helps them.  Things are not always as they seem..

I have something to say!

Listen up people of yoga-land. I have an important announcement to make. I am not now, and never have been interested in competition. I have never played competitive sports. Hell, I don't even like board games. It feels odd that I have to make such a declaration but unfortunately, even in yoga-land people are still people.

The fact of the matter is that yoga is a spiritual practice for me. It's not a job, it's not a career, and it most certainly is not a competition. Whatever it is that I do I give 100%. Not because I want to be better than anyone else but because that's just the way I do things. That applies to my yoga practice.

Each time I have the privilege, and it is a privilege, to lead a class I give 100% whether one person or 25 people show up. I give 100% not because I want to be better than the other teachers at the studio. I give 100% because I feel each person who chooses to share their time with me deserves it. The most important thing I've learned in my role as "teacher" is that teaching is fluid and alive. Leading a class is just as much a learning experience as it is a teaching experience. 

I don't have time to worry about what my peers are doing in their classes because I'm too busy paying attention to what's happening in my own class. When I'm sitting on the teacher's seat I always acknowledge, with gratitude, my own teachers. That includes each and every person who has chosen to roll out their yoga mats in front of me. I acknowledge, with gratitude, that I am only God's instrument. I teach in service to God. Therefore, I give 100% of myself. This is not a competition, it is a spiritual practice.

I feel inspired to share my spiritual practices with others so I lead a "workshop". The topics I choose to offer as workshops are inspired by my own personal practice. I am not looking at what others teachers are doing and then presenting their ideas as my own.  Whatever it is I choose to offer is an offering of my heart. Everything I do is an offering to God. Therefore, I give 100% of myself. This is not a competition, it is a spiritual practice.

My personal mission statement is to teach every class with the following intention:
* an open heart
* gratitude
* humility
* reverence
* integrity
* open to learning

I pledge to live my life authentically. That means that I offer 100% of myself in everything I do because that's just who I am. I will not make excuses or apologize for that. I have no time to compete with my peers because in each day I am striving to do better than I did yesterday. I have no time for competition because I am too busy living my own life fully to worry about what other people are doing.

I will leave you with this powerful quote from the Bhagavad Gita that I have adopted as my motto:

"It is better to do your own duty, however lacking in merit, than to do that of another, even though efficiently. It is better to die doing one's own duty, for to do the duty of another is fraught with danger."

Live your own life fully and stop trying to live someone else's.....

My lowest motherhood moment

Tonight I read an article on facebook about motherhood that I resonated with so much that I had to share it.  I want to share with you my own lowest point of motherhood.   I will save the commentary for the end. I hope you'll read this to the end.

 By 20 years old, I had purchased my first home and had a beautiful baby.  I also had a picture in my head of what things should be like.  When you flip through the parenting magazines while you're pregnant you see all those pictures of beautiful moms cuddling sweet, sleeping babies in beautiful homes.  I read all the books, watched Dr. Brazelton faithfully.  I was determined to do this motherhood thing right.  Unfortunately, my children didn't read the books.  They didn't follow the scripts that I had written for them in my head.

One morning, I'm struggling to get my oldest ready for school, my second ready for daycare, and myself ready for work.  That involved packing every one's lunch, making sure Amanda had all her books,  she went to Catholic school and the girls had to wear little red ties that always seemed to be missing in the mornings.   It was the first really cold day and we needed our winter coats unexpectedly.   I pulled out the winters coats from the year before.  That's when the tug of war began.

Amanda refused to put on the coat.  I try to explain that it was cold and it was the only coat she had.  She wasn't having it.  I tried to explain that it was the same leopard coat that she begged me for the year before. She wasn't having it. I explained that we were going to be late.  She refused. I even tried to bribe her by telling her that she could pick out any coat she wanted later if only she put on the leopard coat for now. After what felt like half an hour I had had enough.  The baby had her coat on and I had my coat on and we were sweating!  I forcefully put the coat on Amanda.  She took it off.  I put it back on her.  She took it off.  This went on and on.  Needless to say there was yelling and screaming and a baby crying and Amanda was crying. 

After much drama, we all had our coats on, still crying, still sweating.  I pick up the baby, the diaper bag, the lunch bags, the school bag, my purse and I plow through the door..... Amanda was in front of me and she refused to open the door. Only I didn't realize that until her face hit the storm door!! I felt like the worst mother in the entire universe.  As if losing my temper and yelling like a crazy lady wasn't enough, she now had a bloody nose from hitting the door.  Her eyes were red and puffy from crying, her face was red from screaming and sweating, and her poor little nose was red and brused.  I had officially earned the worst mother of the year award and all I was trying to do was make sure she was warm enough!!

Since by this point she's late for school,  I needed to sign her in.  So I  park the car, take the baby out of the car seat and walk her into the school.  Sister Mary Katherine asks me why we're late.  That's when I fell apart.  I tell her we had a rough morning and I start sobbing like a baby.   Sister hands the baby off to another nun and Amanda is sent off to class.  I'm escorted into Sister's office where she asks me if I lose control often.  That really sends me over the edge!!  I didn't want to admit it but I was at my breaking point that morning. I really did feel like I was out of control. 

The reason I am sharing this story is twofold.  First and foremost I want new moms to know that sometimes motherhood sucks and it's okay to admit that some days are really rough.  That doesn't make you a bad mother.  That doesn't mean you're weak.  The second reason is that I want to give people, not just moms, permission to say "hey, I need some help".   It's okay to be vulnerable. It's okay to not be perfect all the time.  When we "put on airs" and pretend that we have everything under control it makes it more difficult for us to ask for help and it also makes the rest of us feel like we suck because we have days when everything seems to be falling apart. 

When we are willing to be vulnerable we give others permission to do the same.  Right now, I'm thinking of a neighbor named, Olga Santiago.  When my third child was born I had to have my tonsils out.  One day she stopped over to see the baby and she saw that I was a mess.  She took my kids to her house and feed them, bathed the baby and put them to bed so that I could sleep and recover.  I didn't ask for the help, she understood what I was dealing with and she stepped up.  I wish I knew where she is right now so that I could tell her how much that meant to me.  Ask for help when you need it and offer the help when someone else needs it.  If we all support each other then everyone is taking care of.

Children are, without a doubt, wonderful gifts from God.  They are also born with a special power that makes them able to send you to the very edge of sanity.  Before I had children I would look at moms grabbing their kid by the back of neck and think to myself  "OMG!  some people just shouldn't have kids!"   Now I see those moms and say I little prayer for them because I know what it feels like to be on the edge of insanity. 

Sit, dog, sit

We have a new puppy. I love this sweet little girl so much. But yesterday I wanted to take her back to the pound! (not really) She is no longer in the sweet, sleepy, cuddly phase of an infant. She's now is the exploring, tasting, barking phase of a toddler. While I'm cleaning up the shredded tissues from the living room floor she is chewing on a light bulb. Yes.. A light bulb. While I'm putting the light bulb away she's growling and barking at some invisible intruder in the dining room.


You see...Our first dog, Pumpkin, was a bad, bad dog. When we adopted Luna I was determined to be a good dog parent and train her properly. I have learned that there is no bad dog, just bad dog parents. As a determined dog mom, I know that the "training" needs to happen constantly. I can't let her get away with bad behavior not even once. Even when I'm completely exhausted I need to correct the bad behavior. It takes a lot of discipline for me too. In an effort to not repeat the negative experiences we had with Pumpkin I am forcing myself to be consistent when it comes to discipline and training.

At one point last night I just sat on the sofa and watched her running around like a crazy lady. Chuckling to myself I thought, "wow! this is like watching my monkey mind!" My mind is just like Luna. It runs around here and there. It chews on things that could cause me harm. It barks at dangers that aren't really there.

If I'm not consistent in disciplining my mind I will end up with the same sort of bad, anxiety filled behavior my poor Pumpkin suffered from. I don't want the same thing for my mind or Luna for that matter.

Therefore, I will be consistent with discipline for Luna and my mind. No matter how exhausted I am I need to keep correcting the undesirable behavior over and over again. This goes for training the mind and changing negative habits. Being consistent with our discipline is the key. When the mind wanders we bring it back, over and over.

When Luna is eating rocks we replace the rocks with her chewy treats. When we engage in negative habits we need to replace it with positive habits, over and over. At first it seemed like she would never learn. Now, it seems she needs a little less correcting each day. At first it seems like my mind will never settle down. Now, it seems it needs a little less redirecting each day.

There are no bad dogs, only undisciplined dog parents. There are also no bad people, only undisciplined people. The beautiful thing is that discipline is not something we're born with. It's something we learn. Everyone has the capacity within themselves to become disciplined. It takes practice. The more we practice the easier it becomes.

A disciplined dog is calm and content. A disciplined mind is also calm and content.

Now, Sit.....and meditate!


 

My guru, Jake

This is Spider man.... Not really... It's my boy, Jake.  For  two full years he wore this spider man costume everywhere.  Even when he had clearly outgrown it he would still squeeze himself into it.  Even when it was 108 degrees outside in the middle of July he would still wear it. 

 The people in the grocery store would get a kick out him.  Some would joke with him, others would just smile, remembering perhaps their own little ones.  There were some that shook their heads at me for allowing him to go out in the Halloween costume in the middle of July.   He's my third child so I was way more relaxed about things. I learned to choose my battles.  I also learned that natural consequence was the best teacher.

 One day, he simply stopped wearing the costume.  I didn't have to sit him down and explain to him that his attachment to being Spider man was unhealthy or that he was growing up and it was no longer appropriate.  The phase came to its natural end and he moved on to the next phase.

The costumes we wear as adults are the labels we put on ourselves and others.  I'm discovering that sometimes we outgrow the labels but we still squeeze ourselves into them.  We identify completely with the roles we have chosen to play long after the story has come to an end.  It seems to me that the trouble comes when we are 43 and still trying to wear the size 3T Spider man costume.   Why does there need to be a struggle or an intervention when we have outgrown the costume? Why is it so traumatic for us to take off the labels that no longer serve us?  My guess is that its traumatic because we have forgotten that its only a costume and not really who we are. 

In the grown up world we all put on costumes from time to time.  I wear an insurance agent costume from 8:00am - 4:30pm.  Then I change into my super mom costume.  Sometime I wear my yoga teacher costume.  As long as we are aware that each label or costume we wear serves a purpose and does not define who we are then put on the costume and go about the business of life.

Our children are our greatest teachers.  Jake suffered no trauma when he outgrew the Spider man costume.  When the time had come for him to take it off he simply took it off.  Life is fluid.  When we move through life fluidly there is less trauma.  When we recognize that the labels we put on ourselves and roles we choose to  play do not define us, there is less trauma when the labels and roles change.  Every night when I look at the moon I remind myself.... The moon doesn't go through trauma as it waxes and wanes. Why should I fall apart as my life waxes and wanes?

 I loved the baby yogi phase! 

Practice mediation, Stop all vain talk, keep repeating the ancient mantram, Om until it reverberates in your heart.....   OM Shanti OM!