Wanted: Inspiration

As I rolled out my mat this morning I was feeling less than motivated. I really wanted to crawl back into bed. I resisted the urge but I walk away from my mat. "I need to let the dog out" I tell myself. (as the dog is snoring away on the sofa) Pumpkin comes back into the house, jumps onto the sofa and goes right to sleep. I give a silent prayer to God to make me a dog in my next life.

No more stalling.... I light a candle and step on the mat. I need to clear the mental fog before I attempt meditation so I start with a sun salutation in the hope that I can begin to stoke the inner fire. My body was just not having it. Half way through the first sun salutation I find myself in child's pose where I stay for a long time. Where's my will today? Has it taken a sick day? Maybe that's what I need, a sick day.

I try again but this time with some slow, gentle movements on the floor. My head is telling me that I need to push myself because I need to shake out of this fog but my body is telling me the opposite. What's right? Is it my intuition telling me that I need to be gentle with myself or is it my kapha nature trying to sway me into lethargy? Ayurveda says like increases like and opposites cure but what about listening to your body? How do you know what's right?

The ego is a tricky little devil, it's working so hard to convince me that all this yoga business is non-sense. It's reminding me of all the contradictions in it's teachings. I'm struggling with the negative thought patterns like "what has all this sadhana done for you anyway?". "Why isn't the road you're traveling smooth sailing? After all, aren't we told that things get easier when you're moving in the right direction?" "Are these struggles a sign that I'm moving in the wrong direction?"

Doubt, I'm discovering, is the ego in disguise. The ego uses our weakness to keep us stuck in the mud. Even Superman has a weakness. His is cryptonite. My cryptonite is doubt. Some days I doubt everything - like today.

I've stalled so long that now the the kids are starting to stir and the house is beginning to wake up. Fighting the urge to take a sick day and go back to bed, I realize it's time to pull it together and get ready for work.

On days like today there isn't much I know for sure but here's a few things that I do know:
1. even a little yoga is better than none
2. it's better to take a sick day when the sun is shining
3. when I don't have any motivation for a home practice - I need to go to a yoga class -
4. I always feel better  after yoga
5. no matter how much mud there is the lotus flower will still find it's way to the surface
   of the water to bloom
6. even when I'm feeling lousy - there is still work to be done

Here's a few things that I hope to know for sure some day:
1. this too shall pass
2. challenges are blessing in disguise
3. everything is part of God's Divine plan - even when we can't understand it
4. like increases like and opposites cure
5. trust in myself and in a higher power
6. did I mention - this too shall pass?

Today's inspirational passage is:

Do Not Look with Fear

Do not look with fear

on the changes and chances of this life;

rather look to them with full faith that as they arise,

God — whose you are — will deliver you out of them.

He has kept you hith­erto.

Do not but hold fast to His dear hand,

and he will lead you safely through all things;

and when you can­not stand, He will bear you in His arms.

Do not antic­i­pate what will hap­pen tomor­row.

The same ever­last­ing Father who cares for you today

will take care of you tomor­row and every day.

Either He will shield you from suf­fer­ing or

He will give you unfail­ing strength to bear it.

Be at peace, then, and put aside all anx­ious thoughts

And imaginations.

- St. Fran­cis de Sales

Devoted spiritual seeker or Yoga-holic?

Have you ever heard the Sama Vedas? They are ancient mantras chanted in a very specific way. Apparently there are different chants that are chanted at different times of the day/season and each with a different effect.

I first heard the Sama Veda when my teacher would play them after a session of yoga, pranayama and meditation. There wasn't any "music" just the chanting. I wasn't sure if it was the whole process of the sadhana or the chants or maybe even the combination but the effect was pure bliss.

During my 500 hour advance yoga teacher training course we spent a lot of time talking about the energetic effects of different mantras and even the different energetic effects of the way we practice asanas and pranayama. I can tell you there is no better way than through direct experience to understand the energetic effects of a practice.

Yesterday I was at a kirtan (devotional chanting). The kirtan artist was someone I had never heard before. What I liked most was that there wasn't an air of "rockstar" yogi about him. He was simply sharing his devotional chanting with the rest of us. For me, the effect was the same as the effect I get from listening to the Sama Vedas.

Was the bliss and devotion that I left a result of the particular mantras? Was it his voice? Was it my own state of mind? I love kirtan but the effect is not always the same. I love yoga but the effect is not always the same. I began thinking on the drive home last night that I should listen to the Sama Vedas more often. Maybe I need to include them as part of my morning sadhana (Hell, no wonder yogis gets up at 4am for sadhana - they need about 3 hours to do all the practices!)

As I drifted off into sleep I was aware of a thought "Isn't chasing the bliss just another addiction?" I brushed away the thought and drift off to sleep. I have a very addictive personality and on more than one occasion I have found myself wanting that bliss that comes from the perfect yoga practice the same as an alcoholic wants the buzz of the drink. My father was an alcoholic and my aunt jokingly tells me that my father used to say "I drink to forget". I am my father's daughter..... Do I practice to forget my troubles? Am I chasing the next yoga fix? If it's the effect of the practice that I'm after does that make my sadhana just another addiction?

I once asked my teacher about the fact that all the people I've read about who've had "spiritual awakenings" were all on drugs. My question was "Was it really a spiritual awaking or a drug trip?" His answer was "what's the difference?" It was an experience whether or not it was drug induced was besides the point. I don't necessarily agree with that answer but that's a whole other story. My point is that just like taking stimulates has one effect while taking alcohol has another, different practices have different effects. Are you chasing the stimulation and high of a dynamic, energetic practice or are you chasing the bliss of a delicious meditative practice?

Am I a devoted spiritual seeker or just a yoga-holic? Is it the bliss of the practice that keeps me coming back to the mat or is it a sincere desire for Self-realization?  I'm thinking of something my teacher has said.   He says it's like a room with many doors.  Once you enter the room how you got in doesn't matter anymore. 

The next time you step on your mat pay attention to the effect of the practice.  No judgements simply witness the effects.   As always, feel free to share your thoughts.....  

Atma Upanishad......

I often find inspiration in the pages of the Upanishads. I open the book to a random page and read the passage.  Here's today's random selection:

Atma Upanishad

"The inner self perceives the outside world, made up of earth, water, fire, air, and space.

It is the victim of likes and dislikes, pleasure and pain, and delusion and doubt. It knows all the subtleties of

language, enjoys dance, music, and all the fine arts; delights in the senses, recalls the past, reads the scriptures, and is able to act. This is the mind, the inner person.

The supreme Self, adored in the scriptures, can be realized through the path of yoga. Subtler than the banyan seed, subtler than the tiniest grain, even subtler than the hundred-thousandth part of a hair, this Self cannot be grasped, cannot be seen.

The supreme Self is neither born nor dies. He cannot be burned, moved, pierced, cut, nor dried. Beyond all attributes, the supreme Self is the eternal witness, ever pure, Indivisible, and uncompunded, far beyond the senses and the ego. In him conflicts and expectations cease. He is omnipresent, beyond all thought, without action in the external world, without action in the internal world. Detached from the outer and the inner, This supreme Self purifies the impure.

Om shanti, shanti, shanti" 

Adventures of a spiritual seeker.

It's no secret that my heart's desire is to find a guru, a spiritual teacher who will lovely guide my spiritual evolution.  I thought the only person who understands the longing in my heart is Yogananada. (it's quite amusing to watch the silly things that go on in my mind).  Anyway, I've been listening to Autobiography of Yogi on cd in the car.  

Yogananda's beautiful words are so inspiring.  They also fuel the inner fire of  desire for a spiritual teacher.  In Yogananda's day, a spiritual seeker travels from place to place in search of a guru.  Today, a spiritual seeker has a much harder time, especially here in the good old USA.  I suppose in India there are gurus on every corner but here, in Abington, PA - not so much. 

I start wondering what I would find if I do a google search for a guru.  With Yogananda on my mind, I google the self-realization fellowship and TA DA!  there is a center just 5 minutes from home!!  How do you like that!!  Could it be that just like Yogananada who searched all these far off villages only to find that his guru's ashram was only 12 miles from his home?? 

I found a self realization fellowship center.  The direction say its above a motorcycle shop and directs you to use the side door. I open the door at the top of the stairs and find myself in a dark dingy hallway. The door at the end of the hallway indicates it's the meditation group. So I open the door. There's a man standing in this dark little room with his back towards the door. He's doing some sort of weird movements and I don't want to disturb him so I wait. I rumple my paper in hopes that he would turn around but he doesn't. I look around the room. No one else is there but there are tons of photos of Yogananda and his gurus, books, CDs. Ok maybe I'm too early so I decide to leave the room and wait outside for other meditators.

There I am in the dirty, stinky hallway. After quietly backing out of the room I realize that I left my shoes in the room. While I'm waiting there are"biker dudes" coming in and out. There's a group of women practicing their singing and dancing act in another room. Then a guy comes walking down the hall. Tattoos everywhere but I notice he's wearing malas. I ask him if he's going to meditation. "yes" he says and leads me into the room. He directs me into the "chapel". I sit and the guy doing the weird movements begins the"service". He chants in English and plays the harmonium. Not very well but whatever. They pray and we meditate for a long time. 1 1/2 hours! They end with prayers and weird hand gestures. I left and as I walked to my car I felt strangely lighter and I couldn't help but wonder. "how'd I get here again?".

I'm not sure I'll find what my heart desires there in that group but I know for sure I'll find it in the lotus of my own heart through my own sadhana. 

Hari Om~ Hari Om~ Hari Om~

Why am I doing this again?

I love getting involved in huge projects but usually I get half way through and start wondering what the hell I was thinking when I started the project. That's basically where I'm at in the huge project of self-realization.

When we moved into our house about 5 years ago I had grand plans for the back yard.  My first project.... a brick patio and walkway. I had total confidence that I could do it. I watched tons of HGTV home improvement shows and I was armed with my how to instructions I printed from google. "How hard could it be" I think to myself.  My husband, in his usual fashion, came up with a 100 reasons why it wasn't going to work. This only made me more determined then ever to do it.

After hours and hours of pulling up the old bricks I pause. I look to the left - I had pulled up, oh, about 100 or so bricks and was left with a slab of dirt and a pile of old bricks. I look to the right and see that I have about 200 more bricks to go. Suddenly the old walkway doesn't look so bad. I'm tired, sweaty, sore and I'm wondering why the hell I ever started this project in the first place.  The dilemma is I'm too far along to turn back and I'm not quite far enough to stop. The only option is to regroup and plow ahead.

For years now, I've been pulling up the old bricks (samskaras) in my consciousness. I felt confident at the beginning. I had my instructions (my meditation course). I had taken many yoga classes. I even had a few awesome teachers in my corner. "How hard could it be" I think to myself. After years of practice I pause. I look to the left and see how far I've come. I look to the right and see how much farther I still have to go. I'm tired and I'm wondering what the hell I was thinking when I started this project. I've come too far to turn back now and yet I'm tired and feel too discouraged to continue forward.

The last few weeks I've found myself putting some of the old bricks back but they no longer fit.  The old bricks aren't working anymore. I'm accepting the fact that old patterns are no longer an option. A new pattern is required. I can't turn back now. Forward is the only way. I pause for a moment, re-group and plow ahead.

When I reached that point of frustration in the back-yard project I remembered why I started the project in the first place. I wanted to have a nice space where I could enjoy the back-yard. I also enlisted the help of someone who knows about laying a brick patio and walkway. I then felt refreshed and ready to tackle the work that lay head.

At the current point of frustration in the self-realization project I again must remember why I started the project in the first place. I wanted to have space in my mind where I can enjoy the vast landscape of cosmic consciousness. Here too, I need to enlist some help. I haven't found a guru willing to help me pull up the bricks of my old samskaras yet so I have to rely on my how to instructions - my sadhana.

Over the past few days I have come to my sadhana with a renewed sense of purpose. Remembering how far I've come and why I started this project makes the work that lies ahead not so bad. I know there is much more work to be done but just like with the back yard project it will be worth the effort. 

Om Gum Ganapataya Namah~ Om Gum Ganapataya Namah~ Om Gum Ganapataya Namah~

Got milk?

Today is earth day so it was fitting that the bhavana for this morning's class was the earth.  Through the course of the class the teacher reminded us to feel the support of the earth.  "Draw in the earth's energy".
I wasn't feeling it today.  I was actually feeling the exact opposite.  Feeling like I've been stranded on a wobbly suspension bridge.

This week I was once again reminded that my "great expectations" are the root of my disappointment. I know, I know, that's certainly not a newsflash.  It was also pointed out to me that my expectations of others causes distress to them.  It puts unnecessary pressure on others when I expect  things from them or I expect them to behave a certain way.  I appreciated this point as I honestly never gave much thought to it.  Mostly because I didn't realize that my expectations were unreasonable.  Okay, sometimes they are but mostly they are reasonable expectations.

Keep in mind that I am fully aware that my ego is playing a huge role in what I'm about to say but humor me anyway........ I will do my best to keep my ego in check.

In order to be a yogi am I required to forgo all expectations?  Wow! my ego is throwing a huge party in my head right now.  It sounds something like this:  "If you invite someone to your home for dinner is it unreasonable to expect a reply?" I don't think so.  "If you ask someone a question  is it unreasonable to expect an answer or even an I don't know?"  I don't think so.  "What if you show up for a yoga class that you know to be a specific style but what you get is totally different?  Is it unreasonable to expect the specific style?" I don't think so.   Aren't some expectations perfectly reasonable?  If you walk into the ice-cream shop don't you expect to find ice-cream.   Don't you expect milk when you milk a cow.

I, my dear friends, have come to the conclusion that I must be crazy.  That's the only explanation I can come up with.   I admit that I do sometimes try getting orange juice by milking a cow but I'm feeling like I was happily milking the cow and enjoying the milk and one day the cow decides to give me yogurt instead.  The only problem is that I hate yogurt.  Is expecting milk from the cow a perfectly reasonable expectation?  I think so.

Okay, ego, give it a rest!  Unfortunately, I cannot change the world.  I cannot make people behave the way I think they should.  I can't even control my own thoughts I certainly can't expect to change anyone else's.  I accept that.  I apologize to those people who feel that I expect too much.  I accept the fact that it is my own expectations that are the root of my "suffering".  But I do not accept that ALL expectations are unreasonable.

I was hoping today to clear my head.  Instead I'm feeling more confused than ever.  Is hope the same as expectation?  If not, what's the difference.  Is letting go of expectation the same as giving up hope?  If we give up hope what do we have?  Is lower my expectations of others the way to happiness?  I don't think so.

So here I am, on the wobbly suspension bridge.  What now? Do I sit on the bridge and cry or do I keep moving forward? Do I suck it up and eat the yogurt or do I go in search of milk?  I will try to accept this predicament I find myself in but I'm not loving it. Since I'm not feeling the support of the earth beneath my feet right now I will need to find the support I need in my own heart and in my own sadhana.  I will step forward in faith.  I accept that the Divine, in her infinite wisdom is offering me an opportunity to grow.  I accept that I need to practice discernment when it comes to my expectations.  The only way to practice discernment is with a clear mind and a pure heart.  I have a feeling my butt and my meditation cushion are going to be seeing a lot of each other........

Hari Om!

Post-card from the jungle

The reason I haven't posted much lately is because I've been on a journey.  I've been spending lots of time in the jungle of my mind.  I can tell you it's a scary place.  Just when you think you're on safe ground you find yourself in quick sand!  The deeper into the jungle you go the scarier it gets.  The sound of a bird rustling in the trees becomes a monster ready to bounce to the unsettled mind.  Every twisted tree limb becomes a snake ready to attack when our perception is unclear.  The mind behaves just like those crazy little jungle monkeys, they entertain themselves by playing tricks on the weary travelers.  While on this journey, I tell myself that if only I had a map or better yet, a guide who knows this jungle to help me, then the journey would not be so scary.  

I open the closest thing I could find to a guide book, the Upanishads.  Here's the wisdom of the ancient sages:

"It is the mind that frees us or enslaves. Driven by the senses we become bound; master of the senses we become free.  Those who seek freedom must master their senses.

When the mind is detached from the senses one reaches the summit of consciousness. Mastery of the mind leads to wisdom.  Practice meditation.  Stop all vain talk.  The highest state is beyond reach of thought, for it lies beyond all duality.

Keep repeating the ancient mantram OM until it reverberates in your heart."

(Amritabindu Upanishad)

 

Mastery of the mind leads to wisdom...... Practice meditation.  That's pretty clear, right? Stop all vain talk.  The highest state is beyond reach of thought. We're not going to think our way out of thinking, the same as we're not going to think our way out of the jungle.  Keep repeating the ancient mantram OM until it reverberates in your heart.  Pretty clear instructions to find our way out of the jungle of our mind right? Mantra meditation is the road map out of the jungle of the mind.  

The lesson from this journey is two-fold.   #1:  It's best to stay out of the jungle in the first place.  #2: If you do venture into the jungle - remember the only way out is meditation.  No matter how far into the jungle you are, no matter how long you've been lost, the way out is the same - meditation.

This guide book, the Upanishads, is over-flowing with wisdom!! Don't leave home without it! (Unless you want this to happen!!!)