I love getting involved in huge projects but usually I get half way through and start wondering what the hell I was thinking when I started the project. That's basically where I'm at in the huge project of self-realization.
When we moved into our house about 5 years ago I had grand plans for the back yard. My first project.... a brick patio and walkway. I had total confidence that I could do it. I watched tons of HGTV home improvement shows and I was armed with my how to instructions I printed from google. "How hard could it be" I think to myself. My husband, in his usual fashion, came up with a 100 reasons why it wasn't going to work. This only made me more determined then ever to do it.
After hours and hours of pulling up the old bricks I pause. I look to the left - I had pulled up, oh, about 100 or so bricks and was left with a slab of dirt and a pile of old bricks. I look to the right and see that I have about 200 more bricks to go. Suddenly the old walkway doesn't look so bad. I'm tired, sweaty, sore and I'm wondering why the hell I ever started this project in the first place. The dilemma is I'm too far along to turn back and I'm not quite far enough to stop. The only option is to regroup and plow ahead.
For years now, I've been pulling up the old bricks (samskaras) in my consciousness. I felt confident at the beginning. I had my instructions (my meditation course). I had taken many yoga classes. I even had a few awesome teachers in my corner. "How hard could it be" I think to myself. After years of practice I pause. I look to the left and see how far I've come. I look to the right and see how much farther I still have to go. I'm tired and I'm wondering what the hell I was thinking when I started this project. I've come too far to turn back now and yet I'm tired and feel too discouraged to continue forward.
The last few weeks I've found myself putting some of the old bricks back but they no longer fit. The old bricks aren't working anymore. I'm accepting the fact that old patterns are no longer an option. A new pattern is required. I can't turn back now. Forward is the only way. I pause for a moment, re-group and plow ahead.
When I reached that point of frustration in the back-yard project I remembered why I started the project in the first place. I wanted to have a nice space where I could enjoy the back-yard. I also enlisted the help of someone who knows about laying a brick patio and walkway. I then felt refreshed and ready to tackle the work that lay head.
At the current point of frustration in the self-realization project I again must remember why I started the project in the first place. I wanted to have space in my mind where I can enjoy the vast landscape of cosmic consciousness. Here too, I need to enlist some help. I haven't found a guru willing to help me pull up the bricks of my old samskaras yet so I have to rely on my how to instructions - my sadhana.
Over the past few days I have come to my sadhana with a renewed sense of purpose. Remembering how far I've come and why I started this project makes the work that lies ahead not so bad. I know there is much more work to be done but just like with the back yard project it will be worth the effort.
Om Gum Ganapataya Namah~ Om Gum Ganapataya Namah~ Om Gum Ganapataya Namah~