No more stalling.... I light a candle and step on the mat. I need to clear the mental fog before I attempt meditation so I start with a sun salutation in the hope that I can begin to stoke the inner fire. My body was just not having it. Half way through the first sun salutation I find myself in child's pose where I stay for a long time. Where's my will today? Has it taken a sick day? Maybe that's what I need, a sick day.
I try again but this time with some slow, gentle movements on the floor. My head is telling me that I need to push myself because I need to shake out of this fog but my body is telling me the opposite. What's right? Is it my intuition telling me that I need to be gentle with myself or is it my kapha nature trying to sway me into lethargy? Ayurveda says like increases like and opposites cure but what about listening to your body? How do you know what's right?
The ego is a tricky little devil, it's working so hard to convince me that all this yoga business is non-sense. It's reminding me of all the contradictions in it's teachings. I'm struggling with the negative thought patterns like "what has all this sadhana done for you anyway?". "Why isn't the road you're traveling smooth sailing? After all, aren't we told that things get easier when you're moving in the right direction?" "Are these struggles a sign that I'm moving in the wrong direction?"
Doubt, I'm discovering, is the ego in disguise. The ego uses our weakness to keep us stuck in the mud. Even Superman has a weakness. His is cryptonite. My cryptonite is doubt. Some days I doubt everything - like today.
I've stalled so long that now the the kids are starting to stir and the house is beginning to wake up. Fighting the urge to take a sick day and go back to bed, I realize it's time to pull it together and get ready for work.
On days like today there isn't much I know for sure but here's a few things that I do know:
1. even a little yoga is better than none
2. it's better to take a sick day when the sun is shining
3. when I don't have any motivation for a home practice - I need to go to a yoga class -
4. I always feel better after yoga
5. no matter how much mud there is the lotus flower will still find it's way to the surface
of the water to bloom
6. even when I'm feeling lousy - there is still work to be done
Here's a few things that I hope to know for sure some day:
1. this too shall pass
2. challenges are blessing in disguise
3. everything is part of God's Divine plan - even when we can't understand it
4. like increases like and opposites cure
5. trust in myself and in a higher power
6. did I mention - this too shall pass?
Today's inspirational passage is:
Do Not Look with Fear
Do not look with fear
on the changes and chances of this life;
rather look to them with full faith that as they arise,
God — whose you are — will deliver you out of them.
He has kept you hitherto.
Do not but hold fast to His dear hand,
and he will lead you safely through all things;
and when you cannot stand, He will bear you in His arms.
Do not anticipate what will happen tomorrow.
The same everlasting Father who cares for you today
will take care of you tomorrow and every day.
Either He will shield you from suffering or
He will give you unfailing strength to bear it.
Be at peace, then, and put aside all anxious thoughts
- St. Francis de Sales