The year I got lost

How do I begin this story?  It is after all, a story.  A true one but a story none-the-less.   A defining moment in my life but still, I acknowledge, a story.   

At first I thought the story began 10 months ago when I was attacked in Yoga-land.  However, as I mentioned already, this is a true story and if I'm honest the story began many lifetimes ago.  The "attack" was simply the trigger that sent me into the most recent spiral. 

Three months into the COVID19 crisis I found myself terrified every time my kids went to work that they would contract this potentially deadly disease, and trying to adapt to a virtual life.  Work, teaching, socializing all shifted to staring at a  computer screen for most of my day.   

Then June happened.  My dog, Luna, who I love like my child was having trouble breathing.  I was given 2 options 1) surgery that cost $8,000. (which might as well have been a million dollars) 2) Put her down.  I was devastated.  That was just the beginning.  Thanks to the generosity of my family and friends  I was able to pay for Luna's surgery.  The day of her surgery we had some freak storm that literally lasted all of 5 minutes but caused thousands of dollars in damage.  A huge tree in my backyard came down taking with it my fence and shed and lots of other things including the power lines.  

That night I couldn't sleep.  I didn't know if Luna would survive, I didn't know how I was going to re-pay everyone for the donations.  My virtual life came to a screeching halt without electricity. Luckily,  I was able to charge my phone in the car since I was waiting for an update on Luna. She wasn't doing as well as we had hoped after the surgery.   At 2am I decided to check my emails to distract myself for a while. 

It was at that moment, in the middle of this traumatic day that a "trauma informed" yoga teacher decided to attack me.  You see, it was June 2020 and the United States was on fire.  There was a deadly pandemic raging, there was political and civil unrest.  It was in the middle of this traumatic moment in my life that I was told that I hadn't done my part for social justice.  I was attacked for not being sensitive to the needs of  people who have experienced trauma.   It was also brought to my attention that I was contributing to the "cultural appropriation" of  yoga.  

At first, I tried to defend myself.  Then I got angry and decided to back away from yoga, social media, and basically everything and everyone that wasn't required or my family.  Then the downward spiral began to speed up.  Self-doubt set in and I started to think maybe she was right.  Maybe I am a terrible person.  Maybe I am not good enough.  Maybe I'm not doing enough. Maybe I am contributing to the suffering of others.   Once the spiral of negative self talk gets going it's like a runaway train.  

I defended myself over and over, I got angry, then I got to work.  I needed to improve myself.  I read books, watched videos, listened to podcasts.  The more I learned the more confused I became.  That's when it dawned on me.  Maybe, just maybe, she was wrong.  I'm not a terrible person.  I am good enough.  I am not contributing to the cultural appropriation of yoga.   I do care deeply about social justice.  

I will continue the practice of self-reflection and I will continue to work on self improvement.  What I won't do anymore is defend myself or explain myself.  I ask that you judge me on your own personal experience with me and not by the words of others.   

I have one more thing to ask of you.  Remember that everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Therefore, before you make the choice to verbally attack someone consider the possibility that your words may trigger that person back into self-destructive habits. 

"Trauma informed" means to recognize that trauma comes in many forms and in order to truly offer "trauma informed yoga" means that you are kind, gentle, and compassionate with everyone.  Before you make the choice to verbally attack someone ask yourself how would I speak to this person if I knew they were a victim of years of verbal abuse in the past? 

  The first rule of yoga is  AHIMSA.... Do no harm. 

What does Basketball have to do with Yoga?!

 Every other Thursday I pay bills.  Every month, when I pay the mortgage I congratulate myself for making it through another month.  More often then not I say to myself (and to anyone who happens to be near me at the time), "I really feel like someone should throw confetti when I pay the mortgage."  I actually mean it. Well, the other day my daughter did just that! She came home with a plastic gun that shot out confetti!   Tonight, while I was sweeping up the confetti I was reminded of something my teacher said many years ago.  

Let me set the scene for this story.  I rushed home from work to make dinner for my family and help with homework. I gather myself up and drive an hour to visit my teacher at his house.  I had been daydreaming about spending time talking about Yoga with Ed.  In those days my life was filled with work and kids and household chores so the thought of spending a couple of hours immersed in Yoga was heaven. 

Anyway, when I get there he's watching a basketball game.  I'm not going to lie, I was disappointed. I wanted to learn about Yoga and Life.  Basketball was a constant in my house in those days.  My daughter played for school,  all the neighborhood kids played on our net outside, it was always on TV or constantly being talked about.  I just wanted to talk to an adult about Yoga and Life!

At one point, he says "you know, Basketball is very much like life." I wasn't convinced but I was listening.   He continued, "If you miss a shot and you sit under the basket crying about it the game is still going on at the other end of the court without you and if you make the shot and stand under the basket patting yourself on the back, you're missing the game that's going on at the other end of the court without you."  

Turns out basketball, like paying bills, is a lesson in working without attachment to the fruits of your labor.   We work hard for the sake of working hard and offer it all up in service to God.  Life, like basketball moves so fast.  Don't waste too much time worrying about the failures or boasting about your accomplishments.  The point of life is to stay in the game. Keep working, keep moving and for the love of God enjoy it. 

The other life lesson I learned that night is that when we keep our minds and hearts open the world becomes our classroom and every moment of this crazy life is an opportunity to learn something. Who knew a basketball game was teaching me one of the principle lessons of the Bhagavad Gita? 

"You have the right to work, but never to the fruit of work. You should never engage in action for the sake of reward, nor should you long for inaction. Perform work in this world, Arjuna, as a man established within himself - without selfish attachments, and alike in success and defeat.” 

I'm not saying you shouldn't enjoy the accomplishments.  I'm just saying don't spend too much time patting yourself on the back.  Throw the confetti if that will make you happy. Just remember that tomorrow you'll have to clean it up and then get back to work so you can pay the mortgage next month and the game continues. 

Where do you stand?

Witnessing this moment in our country's history I osculate between horror and hope.  

Story after story of systemic racism breaks my heart daily.

Peaceful protests - arms linked in solidarity fill me with hope.

People I love and respect defending and justifying violence disgusts me. 

People I love and respect pledging to protect and support our marginalized brothers and sisters inspires me. 

Speeches that vomit hatred for another in the name of religion are vile. 

Actions of love, respect and service to another need no public declaration - God is there. 

I lose faith in humanity when I see someone being treated less than human. 

The resilience of the human spirit gives me strength and courage to keep extending my hand in service. 

The roots of hatred are so deep. It's overwhelming. 

It feels like we're digging up the roots of an ancient oak tree with a plastic beach shovel. 

But the mighty oak tree started as infinite potential stored in a tiny acorn.  

In this moment, we hold in our hands the same infinite potential for love and mutual respect. 

Like the tiny acorn, we are right now buried in darkness. We must allow ourselves to soften, be broken open, and continue to reach for light. 

Witnessing this moment in our country's history begs the question....What side of history do you want to be on?   Are you contributing to the horror or the hope?  How does your choice feel? 

Our shared belief

Those of you who know me know that I have very strong opinions.  I even joke about my strong opinions on things that don't fit neatly into one of my mentally constructed boxes.  My opinions and my values are very clear to me.  Things are either right or wrong, up or down, hot or cold, good or bad.... I could go on but you get the picture.

The practice of  acknowledging and examining my strongly held beliefs has been daunting and difficult but imperative.  Each day, I strive to be a better version of myself than I was the day before.  That requires I take a good hard look at my thoughts and beliefs.  The beauty of this bat-shit crazy human life is that we have the ability to evolve and grow.  It's not an easy process but nothing worth doing is ever easy.

It's overwhelming to see all the injustice and evil in the world.  The problems seem insurmountable.
I often times feel like I'm losing faith in humanity.  How can there be so much evil in this world?  I honestly, don't understand.  My heart breaks day after day. I feel powerless.

Watching the video of a cop murdering a handcuffed black man on the street was horrifying.  There's no doubt that what we all witnessed in that video was evil.   That's clear.  What's not clear to me is how anyone can defend the man who murdered George Floyd.  What's not clear to me is how the other cops can stand there and do nothing.  I can't even find the words to express the rage and sadness that I feel that this happened AGAIN. 

I have a teenage son. He's 17 years old and believes he's invincible as most teenage boys do. Whenever he leaves the house I worry as most mothers do. What I can't stop thinking about is the terror a mother of a black child must feel every time her child leaves the house.  When I look at my children I see your children too. 

The rage and sadness I'm feeling today is making it difficult for me to find the words so please forgive me as I must speak bluntly.  Until we all examine our belief that one life is more valuable than another NONE of our children are safe from evil.  Until we look at each other and see ourselves NONE of us are safe from evil.   We cannot heal the world around us and right the injustices until we acknowledge and examine that strongly held belief that "WE" are more valuable than "THEM". 

I don't give a damn what color you are, what religion you are, what political party you align yourself with, I don't give a damn whether you are straight or gay or both.  I don't give a damn how much money you have or how educated you are.  WE ARE THEM!! WE ARE ALL HUMAN BEINGS!!! 

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PEOPLE!!! WAKE THE FUCK UP!!

We must hold each other and ourselves accountable for not only our actions but the subtle underlying beliefs that contribute to the injustices in the world around us.  The practice of self-inquiry may show you some belief that you weren't even conscious of.  It may show you a belief that you are ashamed of or feel guilty about.  It may be a belief that is really hard to look at.  What matters now is acknowledging and taking responsibility.  We all have the ability to evolve and grow or to stick our heads in the sand and pretend that we aren't part of the problem.  The choice is yours. 

I am you and you are me. This must become our shared belief. 

Are you listening?

For years I've had this recurring dream.   A nightmare actually.  In the dream I'm the only one who notices that someone is about to open fire in a crowded place.  I'm in a panic because I know what's about to happen.  How do I warn people without bringing attention to myself?  How can I save everyone?  Why isn't anyone else seeing what I'm seeing?  What should I do?

The details change.  Sometimes I'm in a bank, sometimes I'm in a school, Once I was at an outdoor sporting event.  What's always the same is that I can see something that no one else sees.  What's always the same is people don't listen to my warnings.

Dreams seem to carry powerful messages for me.   I've been trying to understand the messages of this particular dream for a long time.   The fact that it's so dramatic and intense makes it hard to think about.  The fact that it's recurring means that as hard as it is to look at it's imperative that I get the message. 

It's March 16, 2020.  We are in the middle of a global pandemic.  Everyone is understandably freaking out.  It's a dramatic and intense time, much like in my dream.   Some businesses have listened to the warnings and closed while others have not listened to the warnings.  Some people are taking the warning of social distancing seriously while others...have not.

Even in yoga-land,  people are understandably freaking out.   So many people I know were struggling financially before Covid19 and will now most certainly suffer even more.  How do we quarantine ourselves when so many of us depend on our social interactions for not only financial support but also mental and emotional support?   What should we do?

There's a moment in the dream where I think to myself, maybe I'm over-reacting.  Maybe it's not a mass shooting that's about to happen.   What will people think if I'm wrong?  If it was anything serious surely someone else would notice before me. 

But what if I'm not wrong?  What if I don't speak up and people die because I was too afraid to speak up?  Even if no one listens I have to at least do my part to warn people.  How could I live with myself if I stand by and do nothing?

The message of the dream is this.... 

*   be quiet

*   pay attention to your surroundings

*   speak up even if you're scared 

*   trust your gut

*   trust someone else's gut when they give you a warning that might seem strange or weird

*   be still 

*   use this time of quarantine for contemplation 

*   not everything needs to be a social gathering

*   get  back to basics

*   exam your values 

*   old ways of working and living are no longer an option ... look for another way 

*   look out for one another; share your resources

*   take only what you need 

*  respect Mother Nature or suffer the consequences, the choice is yours

The Goddess, Durga is the great warrior Goddess of Protection.   When your mind begins to run out of control during these dramatic and intense times call on her.  Since your mind is going to obsess anyway give it something good to obsess over. When you don't know what to do repeat her mantra:  Om Hreem Shreem Dum Durgaya Namaha.

My heart hurts today

My heart hurts today.  

Another revered teacher exposed.  He wasn't my teacher but it still hurts.   Another story on the news.  Hindus killing Muslims in the name of religion.  I'm not a Hindu or a Muslim but it still hurts.  More people being used and abused.  It's not me this time, but it still hurts.   My heart hurts today and I don't know what to do about it.  

Yoga has always been my saving Grace.  The spiritual practice of yoga has literally pulled me out of a darkness that I never thought I could come back from.  Yoga is where I learned who I truly am.  

But today.....I'm questioning. 

Today....my heart hurts. 

Sadly, I wasn't surprised to hear about another teacher who has "fallen from Grace".   He isn't the first and he certainly won't be the last.  Truthfully,  I feel like it's good for things like this to be exposed.  

I'm grateful to the students who are finally saying enough is enough.  I acknowledge the strength and bravery it took for them to come forward.  

What did surprise me is the story on NPR this morning. There's fighting in India between the Hindus and Muslims in the name of religion.  For years I've been telling people that what appeals to me about the Hindu religion is that you are free to worship God in whatever way you see fit.  Yoga has taught me that having a personal relationship with God is what is most important.  BOY! DO I HAVE EGG ON MY FACE!  I clearly don't know anything about the Hindu religion.   Nor do I know anything about the Muslim religion.  What I do know is that when I heard the gut wrenching cries of the Muslim woman upon hearing the news that her son was killed my heart broke into a million pieces.  What I do know is a Mother's love... and pain. 

Today... I'm questioning....What about Ahimsa?

Ahimsa:  A Hindu spiritual doctrine that literally means respect for all living things and avoidance of violence toward others. Read that again... Respect for all livings things and avoidance of violence towards others. 

The other day I was talking to a fellow yoga teacher.  She was understandably upset over the stories that are coming out about her teacher.  It's heartbreaking to learn that someone you love and respected isn't who you thought they were.  This teacher who did these horrible things to people is also the teacher who taught so many students the powerful practices of yoga.  The same teacher who destroyed people's lives is also the same teacher who saved people's lives through the sacred teachings of yoga.   

This is the same struggle I've had with the Catholic church.  When I learned about the priests who did horrible things to the children I was heartbroken.  When I learned about how systemic and insidious the abuse is I was physically sick to my stomach.  I vowed to never step foot in a Catholic church again as long as I live.  But the same church that destroyed so many lives is also the same church that has saved so many other lives. 

Like my friend, Ananda, I don't want to stop practicing yoga any more than I want to stop praying the Rosary.  How do I continue to share the teachings of yoga when so much of it has been tainted by violence?  How can I continue to share my love for the Blessed Mother and the Rosary when so much of the Catholic religion has been tainted by violence?   Where do I go from here? 

For starters,  it's time to let go of the labels which separate us.  It's time to let go of the religions that make enemies of our neighbors.  It's time to let go of greed. It's time to let go of the desire for power over others.  It's time to let go of the veils that prevent us from seeing the truth.  

I cannot control the actions of others but I can control my actions.  I will choose love over hate.   I will stand up and protect those who aren't able to protect themselves.  I will not turn a blind eye to abuse.  Above all, I am committed to upholding the fundamental doctrine of Ahimsa. 

The spiritual practice of Yoga has always been a safe space for me.  I intent to do everything in my power to make sure that it continues to be a safe space for myself and for the students who choose to practice with me. 

Change is bittersweet

It hit me today.  I've known it would happen but today the reality of it hit me.  Tomorrow morning will be the last yoga class I take in this space.  As I sat at the coffee shop sipping Chai I looked across the street.  Reminiscing  about the first class I took at Yoga on Main.  

It was a Saturday morning and the first person I met when I opened the door to Yoga on Main was a woman named Kate. She had long hair, almost down to her feet.  She greeted me with a smile and a hug as she said "I'm so glad you're here." In that moment I had no idea how much my life would change; how much I would change.

My love affair with yoga had begun many years before.  By the time I arrived at Yoga on Main I had established a home practice and I was meditating daily.  Actually, I was already teaching by then.  My regular yoga teacher had stopped teaching on Saturdays so I was just looking for a place to practice.  What I found was so much more.   

Yoga on Main is not just a yoga studio.  I don't think there are words to adequately convey what Yoga on Main is but I'm going to try.  A lot of people, when they first come to YOM, say they can feel the years of spiritual practice that has happened in the space.  Some returning students have referred to YOM as the "mother ship" and expressed that coming back to the studio is like coming back home to refuel.   Some have said that no matter how far away they travel or how long they have been away they are comforted knowing that YOM is always there.  In a world of constant change YOM has been a stable base for so many people.  It's been a spring board for others. Over the years many students have been trained here and have gone on to become incredible yoga teachers themselves. Many opening their own studios near and far.  

At Yoga on Main I learned how to be a yoga teacher, and an Ayurveda Lifestyle consultant but most importantly I learned how to be a yoga student.  I have learned the tools necessary to navigate the journey to self-realization.  I started practicing yoga as a way to relieve stress but the practice has also taken me into the depths of my soul.  For me, Yoga on Main is a sacred container.  In that space I feel safe to explore, to let my guard down, to be vulnerable, to be authentically ME.

In this sacred space I have learned to look at the challenges in life as a opportunity to put the teachings of yoga into practice.  I have learned that yoga isn't just the physical practice that we do once a week in yoga class.  I've learned that yoga is a way of living in harmony with nature and with each other.  

Let's face it though,  Yoga is not all love and light and cotton candy.  This practice of yoga is hard sometimes.  I have had my fair share of challenges even in yoga land.  I've come face to face with my own ego and the ego of others.  Those times when my ego got the best of me I would feel ashamed about the way I handled situations.  I would return to Yoga on Main,  head down in shame and I would be greeted with open arms and the world famous, Shiva Das hug.  In those moments I learned forgiveness in my teacher's example. 

This sacred space that is Yoga on Main cannot be contained in the four walls of a building.  The scared space that is Yoga on Main is a way of living, it is a practice of living in harmony with nature and in harmony with each other.   Yoga on Main is a community of teachers, students, and spiritual seekers.  The wisdom, love, and support provided to so many is so big and so deep that no building can contain it.  

The "mother-ship" is moving but the sacred container that is Yoga on Main will remain the same safe haven it's always been.  No matter how far we travel or how long we've been away there will always be Yoga on Main waiting with open arms, a smile and the feeling of  "I'm so glad you're here"