Do you see the value?

While teaching a class last week-end one of the students expressed that she felt what we were doing seemed very superficial. I considered what she said and suggested that the external process of learning to observe can be internalized so that we can begin to observe ourselves. The observation process is so very important. The problem comes when the observations become judgments and criticism. The learning comes when the observation process is internalized so that we can begin to observe our own patterns and beliefs. The progress is made when we can observe our internal process and make changes where changes are needed. The hard part is staying neutral and non-judgmental.

This exchange with the student was more a lesson for me than her. She already knows that what's happening externally is very superficial. I was the one who needed the reminder. "It's not about the external posture; yoga is about how you FEEL in the posture." How often have I said this in class? Still I forget that the same is true off the mat.

I am starting to see that the external circumstances that have been troubling me are superficial. The emotional clouds are starting to lift and I can see that the acts of others speak more to their character and have nothing at all to do with me. Shifting the focus from observing the "actions" of others to observing how I react to a perceived in-justice against me is the yoga practice.

As I observe my internal pattern I see that my natural tendency is to revisit all the times in the past where people have hurt me. I reinforce this false belief that I can’t trust people; People suck! Is that belief true? Is that belief helpful? Is there any value in that belief? NO.

The intention seed that I planted during the last new moon was that when I discovered this negative pattern of thinking I would turn it upside down. I would shift my focus to what I do value and what brings me joy. Shifting the focus away from what other people are “doing to me” to what is it that I want to offer freely. What can I do to empower and support myself and others?

The other important lesson I learned from my experience this past week-end was that the things I value are my own “intentional self disciplines”. The trouble comes when I expect others to value the same things I value. Truth, integrity, self-less service, and respect are things that I value. These are the offerings of my heart. As long as I can lay my head down on my pillow at night secure in the knowledge that I have done my best to live by my own intentional self disciplines then I can sleep soundly. My mission is to lead by example not force.

Remember not to internalize the actions of others. Simply observe your own reactions and thought patterns without judgment and trace them back to the belief pattern. Then ask yourself… Is there any value in that belief?
If not, move on…… Om Namaha Shivaya!

All dogs go to Heaven

Our family had to say good-bye to this sweet little face and our hearts are broken. As bad as he was he completely stole my heart from day one. I loved him like a child... A problem child. The last two days without have felt like a part of me is missing. I'm sad beyond measure but I don't have any sappy dog stories to share. You see, Pumpkin was no ordinary dog. As I mentioned, he was a problem child. Look at that face!! God made him especially cute so that we didn't kill him!! Although there were moments when I was ready to.

Many of you have heard my "Pumpkin tales". To the amusement of my family and friends I have shared the stories of Pumpkin busting out of the wrought iron crate and breaking his nails in the process. Yes, everyone thought it was hilarious except for me. I was cleaning up the laundry room that looked like a murder scene from CSI.

At one of the kids birthday parties Pumpkin jumped onto the window sill and was digging in my plants. Little did I know what he's plan really was. You see, while I was cleaning up the mess on the window sill, Pumpkin was helping himself to the party food! Yup there he was standing in the middle of the dining room table eating the party food!!

Thanks to Pumpkin I learned a lot of very important skills. I became an expert at re-screening the windows and the screen doors, hanging blinds, re-stuffing sofa cushions, sewing pillows, stuffed animals and an occasional sofa. Although I never did master the art of dog catching. That was Tayler's job. She was the only one who could catch him when he was on the hunt for some pesky squirrel. Tayler was also the best dog groomer ever.

Some things were beyond repair. The front door, the mattress, several sofas and recliners, countless pacifies. Oh Yeah, and Fran's pocketbook. Fran was babysitting so I could go to yoga. Well... That was the most expensive yoga class I ever took...I had to replace her expensive pocketbook!

Pumpkin was a kid at heart. He LOVED the gigantic stuffed animal grand mom brought over. He thought it was for him. He quickly squeezed it behind the sofa (his favorite hiding spot) OH HOW HE LOVED THAT THING!! OH THE MESS HE MADE!! Do you know what's inside those huge stuffed animals from the carnivals?? I do.... a billion little tiny Styrofoam beads. Did I mention how hard it is to vacuum them up?? Static cling was not my friend that day!

Do you know what happens when a 35 lb Beagles eats a 5lb pot roast? Well aside from getting chased with a broom by grand mom he gets really sick... Really sick. Can I tell you how much fun that night was??? Did I mention how I met my new neighbors?? The introduction went something like this "Hi, I'm your new neighbor. I just moved in down the street. I'm really sorry my dog ran into your house when you opened your door. I'll pay to have your carpet cleaned." How's that for a first impression?

Whether he was peeing on the Christmas tree or stealing dirty diapers I still loved my problem child!! The sadness will fade with time I'm told but Pumpkin will be missed forever. He loved us as much as we loved him. The last few months I would find him sleeping on our pile of dirty laundry. I think it helped he feel close to us when we weren't home. I should have kept his stinky bed so I could feel close to him.

There will never be another bad dog as sweet as Pumpkin again. I hope heaven doesn't have any blinds or the angels better get a home depot credit card!! God knows Pumpkin loves chewing blinds better than any chew toy ever invented!!

Oh... Did I tell you about the time Pumpkin and I got kicked out of obedience training???

Christmas prayer

Here we are, December 4th, the holiday madness is in full swing. The old patterns of thinking try to creep back into our consciousness. The constant Christmas music
trying to convince us that this is "the most wonderful time of the year". The constant TV commercials trying to convince us that our families will love us more if we buy
them this thing or that. Everywhere you look there is propaganda showing beautifully decorated homes filled with happy, smiling families sitting down to a feast.

For years and years I tried to live up to this vision of what Christmas should look like. All the while fighting the underlying feelings of inadequacy. Year and after year there was always the feeling that next year will be better. Next year everything will be perfect. But year after year the feelings of anxiety and depression clouded this "most wonderful time of the year".

This year, however, is different. No, I haven't won the lottery, Martha Stewart has not decorated my home or cooked me a feast. This year is different because I am consciously applying the lessons I've learned from my yoga practice. After all, isn't that the point, to live your yoga? Yes.... Yes it is.

My Christmas gift to you this year is a prayer...

* I pray that you remember that you have all that you need.
* I pray that you remember that you are loved and needed.
* I pray that you remember that things do not define you and will not fulfill you.
* I pray that you remember to savor each moment of your life.
* I pray that you remember to see beauty in everything.
* I pray that you remember that all you need to turn a meal into a feast is gratitude.
* I pray that you remember to be fully present with the family and friends you are sharing time with.
* I pray that you remember to shift the focus of your attention from what is lacking to the many blessings you have right now.
* I pray that you remember to fill your heart and home gratitude and love instead of things and sadness.

Ed McMann and Martha Stewart are not coming for Christmas this year but God is. Remember to see God in everyone always. That way, it's always "the most wonderful time of the year".

Rainbow colored glasses

What's the deal with turtle neck sweaters with no sleeves?? If it's cold enough to wear a turtle neck sweater you would think you'd want sleeves right?? I feel the same about 3/4 length sleeves... Shirts should come in short sleeves or long sleeves.. Anything in between just seems indecisive to me.

This is the way my mind works... Things are very black or white, right or wrong, yes or no. You are either here or there. I either like it or not. Things are working or they're not. There's no in between in my mind. I prefer people be direct and to the point. I don't want to have to guess. Are you coming or going? Do you like me or not? I say what I mean, I mean what I say and I believe everyone should do the same.

I honestly feel that life is so much easier when things are clear cut. Organization, rules, and categories reduce chaos and therefore make things easier. Unfortunately, I haven't had much luck in convincing the rest of the universe to think like me.

I do admit that on more than a few occasions I've been reminded that there are all sort of varying shades of gray, including a full rainbow of colors. I am finally, slowly starting to see the light. Perhaps it's true that some experiences simply don't fit neatly into a category. Sometimes experiences that bring us pleasure end up causing us pain in the end. Sometimes experiences that cause us pain eventually bring us to pleasure.

Today I'm wearing rainbow colored glasses and I'm acknowledging that God's Grace has no limits. It is only my ego that sees life in black and white. I know I am not my ego. We are so much more than our mind can even imagine. I see now that in my effort to define myself and others I am limiting myself and others. I will do my best to continue to wear these rainbow colored glasses so that I can enjoy experiencing the infinite possibilities of life unfolding in full color.

But I still don't understand turtle neck sweaters without sleeves...

"It ain't all about you, hon" ~JB

I've been spending a lot of time watching myself think while pretending to meditate. The re-run that's been playing is a pity party for me. However this morning I noticed an interesting pattern. The thoughts were something like this……

“I’m such a fool to have trusted so and so…” “I’m so stupid for not paying closer attention to what was going on.” “How could I have been so stupid not to see” On and on the story went. Recounting every thing that every person I ever knew did to hurt me. “I feel bad for confronting so and so about the lies” “I feel bad that I stood up for myself because it made so and so upset.”

Do you see it? Do you see the pattern? “I”, “I”, “I”….. It’s all about me. Talk about ego! The veil has lifted… I make everything about ME. I feel responsible for other people’s behavior…. Seriously??!! As if I don’t have enough trouble keeping track of my own behavior.

Why does trusting someone make ME feel like a fool when that person lies? Why do I
feel bad about what someone else did? Why do I make it about ME?

Enough!! I cannot worry about the consequences of someone else’s choices.

The pattern has been discovered. It’s time to re-direct the energy and focus to something more constructive. Clearly, a seated meditation alone doesn’t seem to be enough right now. It’s time for intense sadhana (spiritual practice).

The thought pattern has been harsh, critical, and judgmental. Keeping in mind the axiom, like increases like and opposite cures, means that what’s required is some gentleness, contentment, peace of mind, and surrender.

Here’s the plan in case you’d like to join me: 30 day Moon sadhana begins tonight. 11 rounds of Chandra Namaskar, chanting 108X the mantra: Om Som Somaya Namaha, and hopefully meditation will happen (for real).

The intention: Letting go of resentment, anger and feeling responsibility for other
people’s actions. Remembering; that we are only responsibility for our own integrity.

What’s the saying? “Let go and let God” Let God deal with the karma of others and focus on not creating negative karma for ourselves.

Learning and Teaching...

I'm about 3 weeks and 27 questions of my final exam away from graduation. I'm both excited and sad. It's exciting that I'll be able to officially call myself an "Ayurveda Lifestyle Counselor" It feels good to have completed this course. It was a lot of work and required a lot of dedication. I admit that I am proud of myself for following through and completing it. I'm also sad. I'm sad that I won't be in class with my teacher and classmates anymore.

I asked my teacher what the next step in my studies is. He replied "time to stop looking for the next step." I am a perpetual student but I do believe he's right. It's time to stop looking for something outside of myself to validate me.

Twice in the past week I've encountered people who told me that for years and years they read every self-help book they could get their hands on. They participated in every self-improvement workshop and class they came across. They've spent a small fortune on therapy. For years and years they searched for ways to heal their internal wounds. I am no different.

When I first discovered yoga, my search for "self-improvement" was narrowed to Yoga related books and workshops and classes. But I was still searching for someone or something that would solve all my troubles. My search started out by reading books, then looking for yoga classes, then it was looking for a teacher, then looking for workshops and teacher training courses, then retreats, then a guru, then questioning everything I learned up to that point. Still I found myself searching.

Along the way I learned some profound and life changing things. Along the way I met some incredible people. Some of whom have become life long friends. But I've also found a lot of crap. I've come across a lot of people looking to make a buck from the taking advantage of vulnerable people.

After a long talk with a student recently I realized that through my own journey of self-exploration I had learned a thing or two that might just be useful to share. They may sound cheesy but I can say from my own personal experience that they are true.

** Everything you seek is already within you. There is no secret ingredient in the secret noodle soup recipe.

** No one can do the work for you. You need to do the work. Reading the book isn't enough. Even if someone else is an expert and teaches you the technique you need to DO it for yourself.

** There are shysters out there so the old saying "Buyer beware" applies even in yoga-land.

** Even Ayurveda recognizes that sometimes western medicine is needed. My teacher says "If I cut off my finger all the herbs in the world aren't going to reattach my finger"

** The Taittiriya Upanishad says: "practice right conduct, learning and teaching; be truthful always, learning and teaching; Master your passions, learning and teaching; control the senses, learning and teaching; Strive for peace always, learning and teaching; rouse Kundalini, learning and teaching; Serve humanity, learning and teaching."
"Learning and teaching are necessary for spiritual progress."

Ultimately, the searching and learning is an important part of the process but even more vital to our journey is the part when we use what we've learned in our day to day life. Once we have direct knowledge of what we've learned from our own personal experience we then teach.

"Learning and teaching are necessary for spiritual progress." But don't fool yourself; you can't skip over the part about applying what you've learned BEFORE you teach. Even if no one else knows you've skipped that part, God knows.

Sometimes you feel like a nut....

I fell off the yoga wagon. I admit it. I haven't posted lately because I've been in a really negative mental state. I'm telling myself that I can't do yoga because I'm too miserable. How stupid is that?! It's as bad as the people who tell me they can't do yoga because they aren't flexible enough. Duh!! Doing yoga improves flexibility. Duh!! I need yoga to improve my mental state!

Oh yea.... I forgot..... So here I am.

Being an aspiring yogi is very much like being a mom. Regardless of how you feel physically or mentally the show must go on. As a mom, even when you're tired or cranky or having a meltdown, you're still a mom. There's dinner to make and dishes to wash and children to chauffeur.

The same is true as a yogi. Even when you're tired or cranky and most especially during the unavoidable mental meltdowns, you are still a yogi. That means you still show up to the mat and do the practice.

As a mom, there have been times when I had to get one my kids ready for school while she was in the middle of a tantrum. As she was screaming and kicking I was trying to stay calm, breath and continue to tackle the task at hand. Paying as little attention as possible to the tantrum was the surest way to shorten the duration.

The yoga practice, at times, resembles this same scenario. While the inner child is throwing the mother of all tantrums, we try to remain calm, breath and continue to do the practice. Hopefully, paying as little attention as possible to the meltdown will insure that it too passes quickly.

This morning the beautiful full moon helped me hear the whispers of the Divine Mother calling me gently back to the mat. Flowing through the Chandra Namaskar sequence and chanting the moon mantra helped soothe the tantrum a bit and for that I'm grateful.

It's easy to be a 'good' mom when everyone is happy but can you be a good mom while your little one is having a meltdown? That's when it really counts. It's easy to be a 'good' yogi when you're happy and feeling flexible but can you remember you are a yogi in the middle of your own meltdown? NOW... that's when it really counts!

Om Som Somaya Namah! Like the phases of the moon, everything, including our emotions, waxes and wanes.

I'm hearing the Almond Joy commercial in my head right now. "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't" LOL.