All day yesterday I couldn't shake the feeling that I needed to learn how to juggle. Once I learn how to juggle, I can then run away and join the circus. I tried being a clown in high school - that didn't work out.
I'm afraid of wild animals so lion taming isn't a good option. I'm a control freak who needs to keep my feet on the ground so the tight rope act is out..... Juggling, I had decided, was my only option.
But wait...... I'm already living in a circus. I'm part of the freak show. You see that box that appears to be empty? That's me.... the invisible woman. At least that's what it feels like some days. No matter how much I do or how hard I work, no one seems to notice.
Oh, don't roll your eyes! this blog is not about me feeling sorry for myself! This is friendly reminder that "our emotions are just reflexes of our minds". This is what I'm telling myself today. Whatever I'm feeling - good or bad does not define who I am. Right now, I feel like the invisible woman. Who knows, tomorrow I may feel like wonder woman - either way, It's not who I am. I am not my emotions. Neither are you.
Meditation teacher, Eknath Easwaran, says that our negative emotions are a mechanical problem. You just have to get under the hood and make a little adjustment. This morning I definitely needed a tune up. I knew just where to go. To the meditation cushion of course! Where else?
If you remember, today begins the 9 day worship of the Devi, the Goddess aka: The Divine Mother. Fitting since I'm feeling like maybe I'm not doing such a good job in my role as a mother. Life in general is a balancing act, much like juggling. Add in the job of being a mom and now we're juggling flaming swords. Sometimes we drop the ball and rest come tumbling after. It's temporary. We pick up the balls and start again. While you are enjoying the juggling act, remember that even the juggler gets tired sometimes.
I saw a sign on a billboard recently that said "We want to be humble but we're afraid no one will notice". I want to explain to my children why I sometimes "drop the ball". I want to explain to them all that goes on "behind the scenes" so to speak. Then I remember that one day, when they are the jugglers, they will know for themselves the difficutly of the juggling act.
While I'm remembering that I am not my emotions, I must also remember that the same is true for everyone else too. Everyone gets angry, sad, or frustrated at times. That's the nature of being human. I try not to take it personal. I try to see the person behind the emotions. I just hope that others see ME behind my emotions.
It's recommended that before you take a long road trip that you take your car in for a tune up. You check the tires, fill the tank, do whatever else you're suppose to do to cars. Then you can enjoy the road trip. Before we join the circus we need to learn how to juggle. Before I begin my day of juggling, I do my sadhana (spiritual practice). I can then enjoy the circus a little easier.