"Ask and you shall receive". I asked, Am I enough? What I received was opportunities to practice will power and discipline. I know I should be feeling grateful for the opportunities to prove that I am enough but what I'm feeling instead is that I should be careful what I ask for.
It's been about 108 degrees the last few days and it's expected to be even hotter today. Tempers are flaring and my A/C broke last night. Needless to say, I didn't sleep well. Since I can't sleep anyway I decided to practice. Before I can practice I have some obstacles to get over.
* I'm too tired to practice
* It's way too hot to move
* kid sleeping in the space I use for practice
* Did I mention, it's so damn hot?
* I'm too cranky to practice
Where's my motivation right now? I have none.
This is the beginning of a post I started on Friday morning.......I was just about to delete it but I decided not too. The reality is that being a yogi is not always all peaches and cream. Sometimes even yogis get cranky. I took a sick day from work. Waiting around for the repair man for like 6 hours, took a dip in the pool, had dinner with my mom, aunt and cousins, a very strong margarita and finally some sleep.
Saturday morning..... still cranky...... still missing my yoga class and doubting my decision to stop going.
I roll out the mat and the world falls away for while. The yoga mat has become sort of a security blanket for me. I breath and move and watch the practice unfold. An hour later I'm ready for meditation. My body is ready but my mind is now racing again. I did some alternate nostril breathing and began the meditation technique. Finally, meditation happened
The practice of meditation too, isn't always peaches and cream. Sometimes it brings up crap that we've buried deep down. It brings to the surface old emotions and experiences. When this first happened to me 10 years ago when I first started meditating I thought I must be doing something wrong. After all, the reason I started meditating is so that I could be in bliss all the time..... Funny.... The crazy misconceptions we have about these practices.
What did I think would happen to all the crap that I am carrying around? Did I think it would just evaporate?
Ultimately, what goes in must come out. Right? So, let's be careful what goes in. Be mindful of the foods you take in and the experiences you take in. For the record, Margarita do NOT help cranky yoginis become less cranky.
The other thing I'd like to share with you is THE MOST IMPORTANT MEDITATION ADVICE YOU'LL EVER HEAR: (this comes from an expert, David Frawley) - paraphrasing, of course.
Now pay attention: When emotions come up during meditation you don't have to analyze them or try to figure out where they came from or why they are coming up now. We treat them as we do any other random thought. The emotion comes up, we acknowledge it, and then let it go. Releasing the emotions is part of the process of sadhana. We are letting go of all that no longer serves us. Old resentments and hurts serve no purpose on our path.
After class yesterday, one of the students told me that she was really stiff but that she needs to keep moving. I reminded her not to push too much. She thought about this for a minute and then as she was leaving the studio she said "it's really hard not to push". HOLY HELL!! Isn't that the truth. She decided that somewhere in middle of doing nothing and pushing too much is where she should be. That sounds about right.
It's okay to be cranky - just don't get stuck there. Keep moving forward - but don't push too much - somewhere in the middle is where we need to strive to be.