"I know I know but sometimes I forget and when I remember, then I know"*. As I begin to come out of this fog that has been filling my mind I begin to remember all the things that I have forgotten.
During this morning's practice I remembered that it's not about the external pose but what's going on internally during the practice. I forgot but now I remember - now I know. It's about relaxing into the pose and letting the asanas unfold as I step back from the thoughts and witness the grace of the practice as it unfolds organically.
I have been lost in the jungle of my mind. I've been stuck in quick sand and suffocating under the heaviness of the jungle environment. I forgot that the more I struggle, the more entangled I become - but now I remember - now I know. It's about surrendering into the flow of life - even if it's not moving in the direction that I want to go. When I'm lost in the mind I find the flow of grace in the flow of my breath. - now I know.
I've been feeling disillusioned with the whole concept of enlightenment. I can't help but wonder if this concept is even real. Is it like trying to touch the horizon? Do I need to be on drugs to have a spiritual awakening? I've been doing sadhana sincerely, systematically and with sustained enthusiasm for many years now, why can't I maintain a state of equanimity? I can't maintain a state of equanimity for the same reason I can't maintain my balance in a challenging asana like Virbradrasana III -- my mind - I remember now, my mind prevents me. I get tangled in the thoughts and forget to focus on the breath. I forgot but now I remember - now I know. Yoga is a journey not a destination. The vehicle for this journey is sadhana, daily spiritual practice.
I've been approaching my sadhana like I'm getting into the car, I'm going to drive my car (the mantra) and I'm going to reach enlightenment in exactly 1 hour. I forgot to enjoy the ride. Now I remember. Now I know - sadhana for the sake of achieving some elusive goal is just like trying to touch the horizon. I remember now that sadhana for the sake of sadhana without attachment to the result is the practice.
I had forgotten how excited I was when I first began yoga teacher training. Now I remember that when the heaviness of kapha begins to set in I need to seek out things that bring me joy. Now I know that I need to get excited about learning something new. Perhaps it's a good time to get excited about the Yoga and Ayurveda course by Dr. Frawley that I have been avoiding.
I've been forgetting to feel grateful. Today I remember. When I remember - then I know - I am blessed.
This morning's practice helped me to remember why I fell in love with yoga in the first place. It's the practice that helps the mental fog to clear. It's the practice that helps me to remember that we're all already enlightened we just forget sometimes.
(*this is an Ed Zadlo quote)