Can I tell you how shocked I was to discover that I have been carrying this crazy little belief "I'm not good enough" even into my spiritual practice!! I knew that this little statement has played a huge role in my life but I never thought that I was carrying it even into my sadhana. What the hell was I thinking - Of course I was!! That's the problem with these little beliefs - they are so ingrained in us that they effect every aspect of our lives. They are sneaky, so sneaky that we don't even realize just how much we are affected by them. Well, the light has been turned on and now I see it. There's no hiding - it's time for this little bugger to be exterminated from my consciousness once and for all!!
The little bugger that has been infesting my life is "I'm not good enough". Yours might be different. Regardless of what the belief is that we are carrying around, I say that it's time to turn the light on and see it for what it is -- false!
Remember the blog I posted a while back about what motivates us? Well, I've been experimenting lately by asking myself "what's my motivation". It was this question "what's my motivation behind my sadhana?" That helped me see that my motivation at times was "I want to prove to my teacher that I am a sincere yogi" "I want to show him that I am worthy to be his student". Upon further reflection I became aware that these motivations were being fed by my belief - I'm not good enough. I honestly thought that his aloofness was because I wasn't a good enough yogi. If I could just work harder to be good enough then maybe he would want to be my guru. Really? In the words of Dr. Seuss - Oh the things that we think!! Craziness!!
Even as I write this blog that little bugger keeps playing in my mind. The difference is that now there is another belief that's beginning to shine through. It's the belief that I AM more than good enough. I am progressing on the spiritual path. How I know that is because I can see the truth behind the false belief. I know because I can look into those dark corners of myself and not be afraid and not run away. I know that somewhere in the darkness there is a light and all I have to do is find the switch.
I know I'm progressing on this path because I no longer believe that I am not good enough. It's like the story of the people looking into a dark room and thinking that a rope was a snake. When they turned on the light they saw it for what it was - a rope. It isn't until we turn on our own light that we see our true nature which is most definitely more than good enough. It is Divine!
I've always thought that by letting my own inner light shine that I was feeding the ego. But now I'm seeing that it was actually my fear of not being good enough that prevented me from even trying to turn the light on.
Well, put on your sunglasses folks because it's time for us to let our inner light shine!! Repeating positive affirmations may be a good option. When a false belief pops into your mind (as we all know they will) you could use a positive affirmation. For example, when I have the thought "I'm not good enough" I can change the thought to "I am perfect". I know it sounds a bit cheesey -sorry about that - but give it a try. It might feel awkward and phony at the beginning. We've been carrying these negative beliefs for so long that now they feel true so if we carry the positive affirmation around for a long time eventually that too will feel true only this time it will be true!!
For those of us who shy away from cheesiness I would recommend (this is my favorite and most effective technique) is to use mantra. Whenever I recognize the negative thought pattern starting I mentally repeat a mantra. Om Namah Shivaya is one I use often. Shiva is about transformation - we are working to transform the negative into positive so it seems fitting.