Let me ask you a question. Be honest. Do you ever feel like throwing a temper tantrum when you don't get your way? --- Well, you are about to get a glimpse of my mental temper tantrum. Sometimes when I see a child having a tantrum I envy their freedom of expression. Admit it, wouldn't it feel good to stomp your feet and yell at the top of your lungs when you don't get your way? Don't you ever feel like just saying exactly what you think without feeling like you have to censor yourself for fear that others will think badly of you?
I want things my way for once!! Tonight I expressed my opinion about something hoping the other person would agree but, of course, he didn't. This has been a recurring theme in my life, disappointment. You would think that since I've been carrying it around on my shoulders for so long that I'd be used to it by now. Well, I'm not. Feeling disappointed sucks. Especially when it's over something that really doesn't matter anyway. So what, I didn't get my way. I don't have to participate if I don't want to so what's the big deal? Why do I still feel like stomping my feet and yelling?
As my teacher tells me so often, whenever someone or something is challenging us, particularly if it's repeatedly, we need to mirror that challenge back to ourselves. What is it about ourselves that we need to work on? (I love my teacher but honestly, sometimes I want to smack him when he says that). Here's where, if I were a kid, I'd say "No way!" "Why does it always have to be a reflection on me?" Isn't it possible that it's everyone else's fault that I'm always disappointed? If only people would agree to do things my way then I wouldn't be disappointed! Wow! looking into that mirror it's not always pretty.
After much self examination with regard to this recurring theme of disappointment, I have learned many things. The biggest is that I need to let go of expectations. I need to practice accepting things for what they are. SD once told me that feeling disappointed is a choice. I struggle with that one but I'm sure he's right - (even if he's not right about disagreeing with me on other things).
The other thing I learned is that disappointment, just like temper tantrums is only temporary. It is a blessing that I am now aware of this tendency towards disappointment. Just by simply being aware of it I can let it go faster.
Oh..... Gayatri mantra sadhana continues..... Haven't had anything significant to report except that I find myself remembering to go back to the mantra throughout the day when I'm noticing a lot of mental chatter keeping me from focusing. I recently heard someone chanting the Gayatri mantra. It disturbed me to hear it pronounced incorrectly. That night on my way home, I felt compelled to chant it as I drove home. It's definitely with me. It's become sort of like my security blanket. Whenever I feel "out of sorts" I go back to it. It's comforting.