The year I got lost

How do I begin this story?  It is after all, a story.  A true one but a story none-the-less.   A defining moment in my life but still, I acknowledge, a story.   

At first I thought the story began 10 months ago when I was attacked in Yoga-land.  However, as I mentioned already, this is a true story and if I'm honest the story began many lifetimes ago.  The "attack" was simply the trigger that sent me into the most recent spiral. 

Three months into the COVID19 crisis I found myself terrified every time my kids went to work that they would contract this potentially deadly disease, and trying to adapt to a virtual life.  Work, teaching, socializing all shifted to staring at a  computer screen for most of my day.   

Then June happened.  My dog, Luna, who I love like my child was having trouble breathing.  I was given 2 options 1) surgery that cost $8,000. (which might as well have been a million dollars) 2) Put her down.  I was devastated.  That was just the beginning.  Thanks to the generosity of my family and friends  I was able to pay for Luna's surgery.  The day of her surgery we had some freak storm that literally lasted all of 5 minutes but caused thousands of dollars in damage.  A huge tree in my backyard came down taking with it my fence and shed and lots of other things including the power lines.  

That night I couldn't sleep.  I didn't know if Luna would survive, I didn't know how I was going to re-pay everyone for the donations.  My virtual life came to a screeching halt without electricity. Luckily,  I was able to charge my phone in the car since I was waiting for an update on Luna. She wasn't doing as well as we had hoped after the surgery.   At 2am I decided to check my emails to distract myself for a while. 

It was at that moment, in the middle of this traumatic day that a "trauma informed" yoga teacher decided to attack me.  You see, it was June 2020 and the United States was on fire.  There was a deadly pandemic raging, there was political and civil unrest.  It was in the middle of this traumatic moment in my life that I was told that I hadn't done my part for social justice.  I was attacked for not being sensitive to the needs of  people who have experienced trauma.   It was also brought to my attention that I was contributing to the "cultural appropriation" of  yoga.  

At first, I tried to defend myself.  Then I got angry and decided to back away from yoga, social media, and basically everything and everyone that wasn't required or my family.  Then the downward spiral began to speed up.  Self-doubt set in and I started to think maybe she was right.  Maybe I am a terrible person.  Maybe I am not good enough.  Maybe I'm not doing enough. Maybe I am contributing to the suffering of others.   Once the spiral of negative self talk gets going it's like a runaway train.  

I defended myself over and over, I got angry, then I got to work.  I needed to improve myself.  I read books, watched videos, listened to podcasts.  The more I learned the more confused I became.  That's when it dawned on me.  Maybe, just maybe, she was wrong.  I'm not a terrible person.  I am good enough.  I am not contributing to the cultural appropriation of yoga.   I do care deeply about social justice.  

I will continue the practice of self-reflection and I will continue to work on self improvement.  What I won't do anymore is defend myself or explain myself.  I ask that you judge me on your own personal experience with me and not by the words of others.   

I have one more thing to ask of you.  Remember that everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Therefore, before you make the choice to verbally attack someone consider the possibility that your words may trigger that person back into self-destructive habits. 

"Trauma informed" means to recognize that trauma comes in many forms and in order to truly offer "trauma informed yoga" means that you are kind, gentle, and compassionate with everyone.  Before you make the choice to verbally attack someone ask yourself how would I speak to this person if I knew they were a victim of years of verbal abuse in the past? 

  The first rule of yoga is  AHIMSA.... Do no harm. 

What does Basketball have to do with Yoga?!

 Every other Thursday I pay bills.  Every month, when I pay the mortgage I congratulate myself for making it through another month.  More often then not I say to myself (and to anyone who happens to be near me at the time), "I really feel like someone should throw confetti when I pay the mortgage."  I actually mean it. Well, the other day my daughter did just that! She came home with a plastic gun that shot out confetti!   Tonight, while I was sweeping up the confetti I was reminded of something my teacher said many years ago.  

Let me set the scene for this story.  I rushed home from work to make dinner for my family and help with homework. I gather myself up and drive an hour to visit my teacher at his house.  I had been daydreaming about spending time talking about Yoga with Ed.  In those days my life was filled with work and kids and household chores so the thought of spending a couple of hours immersed in Yoga was heaven. 

Anyway, when I get there he's watching a basketball game.  I'm not going to lie, I was disappointed. I wanted to learn about Yoga and Life.  Basketball was a constant in my house in those days.  My daughter played for school,  all the neighborhood kids played on our net outside, it was always on TV or constantly being talked about.  I just wanted to talk to an adult about Yoga and Life!

At one point, he says "you know, Basketball is very much like life." I wasn't convinced but I was listening.   He continued, "If you miss a shot and you sit under the basket crying about it the game is still going on at the other end of the court without you and if you make the shot and stand under the basket patting yourself on the back, you're missing the game that's going on at the other end of the court without you."  

Turns out basketball, like paying bills, is a lesson in working without attachment to the fruits of your labor.   We work hard for the sake of working hard and offer it all up in service to God.  Life, like basketball moves so fast.  Don't waste too much time worrying about the failures or boasting about your accomplishments.  The point of life is to stay in the game. Keep working, keep moving and for the love of God enjoy it. 

The other life lesson I learned that night is that when we keep our minds and hearts open the world becomes our classroom and every moment of this crazy life is an opportunity to learn something. Who knew a basketball game was teaching me one of the principle lessons of the Bhagavad Gita? 

"You have the right to work, but never to the fruit of work. You should never engage in action for the sake of reward, nor should you long for inaction. Perform work in this world, Arjuna, as a man established within himself - without selfish attachments, and alike in success and defeat.” 

I'm not saying you shouldn't enjoy the accomplishments.  I'm just saying don't spend too much time patting yourself on the back.  Throw the confetti if that will make you happy. Just remember that tomorrow you'll have to clean it up and then get back to work so you can pay the mortgage next month and the game continues. 

Where do you stand?

Witnessing this moment in our country's history I osculate between horror and hope.  

Story after story of systemic racism breaks my heart daily.

Peaceful protests - arms linked in solidarity fill me with hope.

People I love and respect defending and justifying violence disgusts me. 

People I love and respect pledging to protect and support our marginalized brothers and sisters inspires me. 

Speeches that vomit hatred for another in the name of religion are vile. 

Actions of love, respect and service to another need no public declaration - God is there. 

I lose faith in humanity when I see someone being treated less than human. 

The resilience of the human spirit gives me strength and courage to keep extending my hand in service. 

The roots of hatred are so deep. It's overwhelming. 

It feels like we're digging up the roots of an ancient oak tree with a plastic beach shovel. 

But the mighty oak tree started as infinite potential stored in a tiny acorn.  

In this moment, we hold in our hands the same infinite potential for love and mutual respect. 

Like the tiny acorn, we are right now buried in darkness. We must allow ourselves to soften, be broken open, and continue to reach for light. 

Witnessing this moment in our country's history begs the question....What side of history do you want to be on?   Are you contributing to the horror or the hope?  How does your choice feel? 

Are you listening?

For years I've had this recurring dream.   A nightmare actually.  In the dream I'm the only one who notices that someone is about to open fire in a crowded place.  I'm in a panic because I know what's about to happen.  How do I warn people without bringing attention to myself?  How can I save everyone?  Why isn't anyone else seeing what I'm seeing?  What should I do?

The details change.  Sometimes I'm in a bank, sometimes I'm in a school, Once I was at an outdoor sporting event.  What's always the same is that I can see something that no one else sees.  What's always the same is people don't listen to my warnings.

Dreams seem to carry powerful messages for me.   I've been trying to understand the messages of this particular dream for a long time.   The fact that it's so dramatic and intense makes it hard to think about.  The fact that it's recurring means that as hard as it is to look at it's imperative that I get the message. 

It's March 16, 2020.  We are in the middle of a global pandemic.  Everyone is understandably freaking out.  It's a dramatic and intense time, much like in my dream.   Some businesses have listened to the warnings and closed while others have not listened to the warnings.  Some people are taking the warning of social distancing seriously while others...have not.

Even in yoga-land,  people are understandably freaking out.   So many people I know were struggling financially before Covid19 and will now most certainly suffer even more.  How do we quarantine ourselves when so many of us depend on our social interactions for not only financial support but also mental and emotional support?   What should we do?

There's a moment in the dream where I think to myself, maybe I'm over-reacting.  Maybe it's not a mass shooting that's about to happen.   What will people think if I'm wrong?  If it was anything serious surely someone else would notice before me. 

But what if I'm not wrong?  What if I don't speak up and people die because I was too afraid to speak up?  Even if no one listens I have to at least do my part to warn people.  How could I live with myself if I stand by and do nothing?

The message of the dream is this.... 

*   be quiet

*   pay attention to your surroundings

*   speak up even if you're scared 

*   trust your gut

*   trust someone else's gut when they give you a warning that might seem strange or weird

*   be still 

*   use this time of quarantine for contemplation 

*   not everything needs to be a social gathering

*   get  back to basics

*   exam your values 

*   old ways of working and living are no longer an option ... look for another way 

*   look out for one another; share your resources

*   take only what you need 

*  respect Mother Nature or suffer the consequences, the choice is yours

The Goddess, Durga is the great warrior Goddess of Protection.   When your mind begins to run out of control during these dramatic and intense times call on her.  Since your mind is going to obsess anyway give it something good to obsess over. When you don't know what to do repeat her mantra:  Om Hreem Shreem Dum Durgaya Namaha.

The man with the conch shell

I recently ran into a man that I had met only once a couple of years ago.  I greeted him with "it's nice to see you again."  To which he replied "it's nice to be seen."   That simple statement "it's nice to be seen." has been rolling around in my head for a couple of weeks now.  It reminded me of Mrs. Greene, the principle at the elementary school.

Mrs. Greene and I didn't always see eye to eye when Tayler was at Overlook but the year Jake started I had a change of heart.  It was Mrs. Greene who introduced me, and the whole school, to an African word, "Ubantu".   Ubantu, she explained, was a way to say I see you.  You are because I am.  It is a reminder of our shared humanity.   When children are acting out  they are seeking attention.  When Mrs. Greene would notice students not getting along she would say "Ubantu" to remind the children of the Ubantu philosophy:  I see you.  You and I are one.  She felt that if the children felt "seen" they would have less reason to act out. 

I've spent most of my life hiding.  Doing my best to blend into the background.  I choose the spot in the back of the room always.   I cringe when the Facebook notification says "someone has tagged you in a photo" And yet, there is an innate need to be seen.  

"It's nice to be seen" 

It is this innate need to be seen that causes some people to be boastful.  To be honest, I mentally slap people who act like Peacocks displaying their feathers.  I'm not proud of it but it's true.  I have no tolerance for people that constantly want to be the center of attention.  I want to scream at them: 

"YOU ARE NOT THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE!!" I hear myself thinking "Get over yourself'" when someone is trying hard to impress me with how wonderful they are and how much they have accomplished. Then I beat myself up for being so mean.  I tell myself that it's the green eyed monster of jealousy that is making me feel so irritated.   

In a moment of clarity I recognize myself in those peacocks.  I remember our shared humanity, Ubantu.  I remember that the same innate human desire to be seen is in me and in you.  How we express this desire may be different but it comes from the same place.  

It's nice to be seen but I have no control over what others see in me.  Instead, I will focus on making an effort to be more present with others so that I may SEE beyond the ego personality.   Who ARE we beyond our ego personality?  Can I see that within myself? Can I see it in others?  What does it feel like to really be seen?   

Ubantu... I see you.  I'm grateful to the man with the conch shell who reminded me "It's nice to be seen." 

Compassion

"Where's the compassion?"  I've spent a lot time thinking about  compassion since that question was posed to me.   First thing I did was look up the definition of compassion.

Compassion; noun  (online dictionary)
"sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortune of others." 

This is the one I liked the best:
"compassion literally means to suffer together." (greatergood.berkeley.edu)

Then I read a bunch of online articles about what compassion is. I consulted the Bhagavad Gita and the Upanishads.   I watched some podcasts about it.  I had resolved to learn everything I could about compassion.

At the end of my week long search I can say, with a fair amount of certainty, that where compassion is not is in my head.   What I did find in my head was a lot of negative self-talk.  I kept telling myself that I am somehow deficient in the "compassion department".   How can I feel compassion for people who have hurt me?  That's crazy!!  No way!!  I'm not feeling sorry for those people! 

Get out of your head and into your heart. 

This morning a sat for meditation with the thought that I had failed at finding compassion.  Sitting in front of my alter I prayed to the Divine Mother to show me the way.  There wasn't much time after meditation to journal. I was already running late for work but as I showered I felt myself getting angry.  

I am a compassionate person!!! and just like that... I found where compassion is.   It's in my heart.  It was as if the Divine Mother turned the light on in my heart. I could see clearly that love, empathy, and compassion are qualities of my true nature.  

Through out the day today I had flashes of memories.  Memories where I felt hurt or betrayed.    When I observed those memories I was seeing the actions of the other person.  It wasn't until I turned my focus inward towards myself that I was able to see "where the compassion was".  It was in my ability to forgive over and over.  It was in my ability to keep showing up wholeheartedly.  It was in my ability to see that the actions of the person doing the hurting were motivated by their own pain and suffering.  

The Divine Mother's light in my heart helped me to see that in my effort for self preservation I had hardened my heart.  At the time, it felt like the only way for me to free myself from the endless cycle of abuse that had become my dysfunctional marriage.  I had come to believe that my capacity for forgiveness was a sign of weakness.  I must  be stupid to have stayed in an unhealthy relationship for so long.  I was wrong, I wasn't stupid or weak.  I have compassion for the suffering of others.  I am blessed with a great capacity to "suffer together".  Feeling the pain and suffering of others as if it were my own is compassion.  

One of the articles I read said that compassion is not only feeling the suffering of others but also wanting to help.  The fact of the matter is that sometimes the most compassionate thing we can do to help someone is to show them that their actions have consequences.  I can be a compassionate person and maintain strong boundaries.  I can feel compassion for your suffering and  still hold you accountable for your actions when you use your suffering as an excuse to hurt others. 

Now, the work is to have compassion for myself and acknowledge that I am doing the very best I can.  Allowing myself to soften and open my heart again will take time, patience and self compassion.  I have faith that returning to my true nature will be worth the effort. 

"Where's the compassion?"  In the lotus of the heart.  Om Mani Padme Hum.

The Yoga of Motherhood

At yoga this morning a woman said (about motherhood) "even though it was really hard I wouldn't have it any other way. "  Her daughter is grown and she has the 20/20 vision of hindsight on her side.  My initial thought was how lucky she is that she doesn't have any regrets.

My kids are mostly grown too. My vision, however, was not as clear at first.   For a second I missed the part where she said "It was really hard..."   I sometimes regret not having the option to be a stay at home mom.  I sometimes still worry that I could have done things better. I sometimes still feel somehow deficient.  Still.... I wouldn't have it any other way.   As we all know, motherhood takes us to the brink of insanity nearly every day but it also shows us our infinity capacity to love.

As I was reflecting on my experiences with motherhood I could see very clearly that it has provided plenty of  opportunities  to practice the teachings of yoga.

Things like "non-attachment" might seem foreign to some but to a mom, it's a daily experience.
"Where's my favorite coffee mug?"  Oh... there it is in the basement with paint brushes in it.  Eating soup with a fork because all the spoons have mysteriously disappeared.  I could write a book entitled "The Nicholson mysteries"  about all the exercises in non-attachment.  The mystery of the missing spoons is just the latest edition.

Learning to stay one pointed in the midst of chaos.  There's a story of a yoga master that was able to meditate in the middle of New York City.  He's got nothing on yoga-moms.  Have you ever tried to cook dinner with kids fighting, barking dogs chasing each other while still wearing your work clothes and not loose your mind?  When I started meditating my kids were little.  I would set a timer outside my bedroom door.  It didn't take long before I'd hear whispers and then fighting on the other side of that door.  Still, I flexed my discipline muscles and continued to sit in "meditation" until the timer went off.  As I learned "one pointed concentration" my kids learned boundaries and the importance of self-care.  They may have caused chaos but they rarely opened the door.

Ever heard of ahimsa?  Ahimsa is a first principle in yoga --  Non-harming.  That might seem obvious to new moms rocking their sweet little ones who coo and smile at them all day.  It's much harder when your teenager screams "I hate you!!  you're ruining my life".  I never understood how anyone could hurt their child until..... PUBERTY.  I shudder to think what kind of mother I would have been without my yoga practice.

All I ever really wanted from the yoga practice was equanimity of mind.  I wanted to be able to maintain composure regardless of what was going on around me.   Lucky for me God is generous and gives me lots of chances to practice.  From, everyday chances like when the dog destroys yet another sofa to extreme chances like when my daughter nearly dies in childbirth.  What I've learned is that although it's important to maintain composure in the moment it's also important that we acknowledge our emotions and allow ourselves to feel them.... Even if that means meltdowns in the shower.  Teaching little kids how to deal with really BIG emotions is done by example.   If we don't allow our children to see us feeling our feelings then they grow up without the tools to process their own.  This is one of the many balancing "poses" moms practice daily.  The balance between maintaining composure so that kids feel safe but also allowing them to see us feeling our feelings.

Perhaps the most interesting experience of motherhood is the ability to hold two opposing emotions at the same time. The moment you can feel so much love that your heart could burst and at the same time wanting to loose your shit when you see your daughter carved "I love you Mom" on your beautiful wood dining room table.  The moment  your kid comes home way past curfew and you feel relief that they are still alive and at the same time wanting to kill them for ignoring curfew.   How about that feeling of pride when you see what truly great humans your kids are and at the same time feeling so much guilt and self doubt worrying about all the mistakes you've made.

Every motherhood moment is simultaneously filled with the greatest joy you've ever known and with the most overwhelming fear and anxiety.  Motherhood is not "having no regrets"   It's about doing the best you can.  It's about loving fiercely.

"Even though it's really hard, I wouldn't have it any other way."   I couldn't agree more, Vicki.

Good night to Swaha

Tonight feels like a good night to swaha. 

Swaha is what we say as we offer our intentions into the fire for transformation. 

Swaha is I offer, I release 

 I offer my gratitude 

Swaha!

 I release fear

Swaha!

 I offer myself in service

Swaha!

I release worry

Swaha!

I offer my heart with love and compassion

Swaha!

I release resentment 

Swaha!

I offer forgiveness to myself and others

Swaha! 

I release anger and frustration

Swaha!

I offer my home to anyone who needs a safe space

Swaha!

I release all that no longer services me 

Swaha! 

I offer kindness and understanding

Swaha

I release the heaviness in my heart

Swaha!

I offer my thoughts, words, and deeds as instruments of God's Divine Will.

Swaha!

I release my ego at the feet of the Divine Mother

Swaha! 

Moon magic

About 10 years ago my teacher asked me if I would represent our yoga studio at a women’s
conference.  My first thought upon hearing this request was “what do I know about being a woman?”.
That was a huge wake up call for me.  I had completely lost my connection to myself. At that time in
my life I was struggling in a very dysfunctional/abusive marriage.   I was working full time, teaching
yoga, trying to raise a family and run a household. The only way I could survive was to shut myself
off from my emotions. I fulfilled all my responsibilities. I worked very hard at maintaining the illusion
that I was strong and capable but on the inside, I was broken into a million little pieces.  I didn’t even
recognize myself.

I’m grateful for the strong solar energy in my nature that gave me the strength I needed to take care
of my family but something was missing.   

As I furthered my study of yoga and Ayurveda I learned the axiom, Like increases like and opposites
cure.  A Vedic astrologer once told me that the sun is the strongest planet in my chart.

In an effort to find balance I asked my Ayurveda teacher, Ed Zadlo, for guidance.  He suggested that
I start chanting the moon mantra:

Om Som Somaya Namaha.

During Ayurveda class I was reminded of the moon salutation that I learned years earlier as a way to
pacify the fiery nature of Pitta.  I decided to do some research. I wanted to learn all I could about the
moon salutation. I was disappointed that I could not find ANY information about the moon salutation
that I had learned from a teacher named, Betheyla Anuradha.

After 20 years of studying yoga I had come to know that direct experience was the best teacher.

So, I embarked on an adventure.  Beginning on a new moon, each night I would flow through
11 rounds of Betheyla’s moon salutation and then chanted 108x the moon mantra.  This “new moon
sadhana” (spiritual practice) continued every night until the following new moon.

Each evening as I flowed through the sequence repeating the mantra mentally with each breath the
moon began to reveal her lessons.  Each evening as I flowed through the sequence with the mantra
repeating itself in my mind I began to find my way back to myself.

At the end of the month long sadhana I decided to lead a new moon sadhana workshop and share
what I learned with others.  Watching the students as they moved through the sequence was so
powerful. I cannot find the words to adequately describe what I witnessed.  The sequence was new
to the students so the first few rounds the students were very much in their head. Their movements
were a little awkward.  BUT…..that moment, when they got out of their head and they began to flow
smoothly through each movement with the flow of their breath was magical!

The feedback from the students after that first class was overwhelming.  Everyone was as moved by
the practice as I was. I knew that I had to offer the new moon sadhana as often as I could.  Many of
the students in that first class have gone on to teach the new moon sadhana in their own yoga
communities.   I feel so blessed to have learned it directly from Betheyla. She was an amazing,
inspiring teacher and it makes me so happy to know that she is still inspiring students through her
beautiful moon salutation.  

Over the past 7 years or so, I have been following the phases of the moon and I continue to celebrate
each new moon with the new moon sadhana.  Some months I practice on my own. Other times I
share the experience with others. Each new moon I write down my intentions for what it is that I
want to grow in my life. I flow through the moon salutation and chant the moon mantra.  

I am eternally grateful to Betheyla for sharing this powerful sequence with me.  It has become a
lifelong sadhana. The teachings that have been revealed to me through the new moon sadhana
have helped me reclaim my feminine nature.  

Each time I lead a new moon sadhana I am in awe of the power of this simple practice.  
Dr. David Frawley says in one of his books that the Sun represents our Striving towards God and the
moon represents God’s  blessings (soma) flowing towards us. The moon salutation gives us an
opportunity to open ourselves up to receive.

So many women have a hard time receiving.  They are more comfortable giving and doing.
The moon salutation reminds us to open ourselves up to receive the blessings from God and in
learning to open we become more receptive to receiving support we all so desperately need.

Reflections

“A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking, 

because her trust is not on the branch but on her own wings.

Always believe in yourself” – Unknown

Maybe it's seeing Facebook's "Year in review" posts or maybe it's that the New Year is fast approaching but I find myself spending a lot of time reflecting.   This morning the above quote came to mind.  "wings were made to fly" I kept thinking.  

2016 was a rough year

but

It's also the year I learned to fly

2016 was the year I got divorced

but

It's also the year I took my life back

2016 was the year of endings

but 

It's also the year of new beginnings

2016 was the year of hard lessons about friendship

but 

It's also the year I learned to be my own best friend

2016 was the year of sadness

but 

It's also the year I learned that I'm no longer afraid of the dark

2016 was the year of struggles

but 

It's also the year I learned how strong I am 

2016 was the year of financial challenges

but 

It's also the year I learned what I value most

2016 was the year when things fell apart

but 

It's also the year I learned how to build 

2016 was the year of much disappointment 

but

It's also the year I learned to see beauty in imperfection

2016 was the year I was blindsided and knocked off my center

but 

It's also the year I learned to fly

2016 was the year the branch broke 

but 

It's also the year I learned to put my trust in myself and not the branch

Love trumps hate

I'm not sure if it's a blessing or a curse but I can feel people's energy within my own being.  I've learned to trust what I feel from people more than I trust what they do or say.  The past few days have been intense to say the least.  I've been resisting the urge to let my emotions motivate my words and actions. I've been listening mostly.  Listening with my gut and my heart instead of my mind and ego. 

On Wednesday I think I was in shock.  I must have been in denial or maybe I was naive.  You see, I have a very diverse circle of friends.  That is a blessing.  I have friends who are passionate activists for human rights,equality and our environment.  That is a blessing.   My friends are kind, compassionate and generous.  That is a blessing.   On Tuesday when I cast my vote I truly believed that good would prevail.  I believed that my diverse circle of friends represented the masses.  I was shocked and honestly, horrified as I watched the news the next day.  Clearly I've been living in a bubble of love and light and cotton candy.   That.... was not a blessing; or was it? 

This blog is not about politics.  It's about yoga.  More specifically, it's about how I apply yoga to my day to day life.  This, my friends, is where the rubber meets the road.  It's very easy for me to feel love and compassion for my diverse circle of friends.. We all have similar values.  It's easy for me to see God in everyone when everyone I see share my ideals.   We are being given an opportunity to practice yoga.   Yoga is union... 

As I mentioned, I've been listening...  I heard a woman say "I voted for him because he's going to take care of our soldiers." her voice quivering.  Her vote felt like it  was not about hate or racism. Her vote was not to condone violence against women.  Her vote was for what she thought would help our service men and women.  

When I told someone that I couldn't vote for such a hateful man her reply was "He's not hateful. I can't vote for Hillary because of her role in Bengazi."  She was noticeably confused about why I would think he was so filled with hate.  This exchanged reminded me of an interview I watched on Super Soul Sunday.  

During the interview, these relationship experts who happened to be married were talking about ways to resolve conflicts in relationship.  The suggestion that stuck with me was this, they suggested that when you are in a relationship you have gained another set of eyes with which to see the world.  During a conflict, ask your partner  "What is it that you're seeing that I'm not?".  Asking the question puts us on the same side of the conflict and helps us work together to resolve the conflict.  It gives us an opportunity to see another perspective.  

I can honestly say that I have felt sad and disappointed when I hear that people that I love and respect voted for that man. It felt shocking to learn that people I love and respect could vote for someone who has exhibited such deplorable behavior.   What's made it a bit easier to wrap my head around their choice has been remembering why I love and respect these people.  Knowing that at their core, they are kind, loving people it begs the question "What is it that you're seeing that I'm not?" 

At the end of the day, how that man chooses to live his life does not dictate how I choose to live mine.  He does not represent me and my values.  He will no doubt bring destruction and chaos to the government as we know it.  It's going to be messy and painful but my hope is that it will clear the way for something better to emerge.   Before there can be a re-birth there must be a death.  

I sort of feel sorry for that man.  It seems God has chosen him to be the instrument  for destruction.
He has certainly exposed a shit ton of ugly in people that I never expected.  He's shown me that I was living in a bubble where I really truly believed that  racism, misogyny, and homophobia were rare rather than the norm.   He has exposed the work that needs to be done in this country and that is a blessing.  The darkness has been exposed.  It's up to us to bring the light.  

It's time to roll up our sleeves and get to work building communities and building bridges with our brothers and sisters of all races, religions and all creeds so that once the dust settles from the dismantling of a corrupt and unjust system we are ready to step up and together build a system that is founded on the values of integrity, compassion and justice for ALL humanity. 

During the destruction process I invite you to invoke the energy of Durga Ma.  Embody her and let's get to work...  

OM DUM DURGAYAI SWAHA! 

 

Uncertainty

Last week someone said to me "I'm struggling with the uncertainty of everything".   I could feel her pain while she spoke.  I could feel it so powerfully because I too struggle with the uncertainty of everything.  Whether it's about our health, finances, or even relationships, uncertainty is at the core of our struggle.

When I teach a yoga class I almost always share my own struggles as the theme for the practice. Having pondered uncertainty all week I decided to use it as the theme for today's class.  The focus of our practice was shifting the fear that comes from uncertainty to seeing it as holding the potential for something magnificent.  

The uncertainty I was thinking about was whether or not I would be staying in my house.  My mind has been so focused on the struggle.  I thought that I was on the right track when I started to look at the uncertainty as a great adventure but that was just the beginning.  Uncertainty holds infinite possibilities.

"Our greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another."   

As I continued the practice of shifting my perspective,  I started to wonder,  what was I certain of?     I expressed in class that there wasn't a damn thing that came to mind.  "You'll die." offered Cari.
Yes!  That is something that certainly will happen.   My thought wave shifted after that.  The perspective expanded.

What thoughts or emotions come up for you when you think about the fact that it's 100% guaranteed that you will die?  Can you see the potential it offers?  We can choose to stress over how, when, where, why...  or we can choose another thought.... How can I live today to the fullest?   

Note to self:   It's not about where I live, it's about HOW I live.  

When life serves up a heaping helping of uncertainty you have a choice. 

a) focus on all the terrible outcomes that may or may not happen 

or 

b) look at it as holding the potential for some magnificent adventure 

It doesn't come natural for me so I have to re-train my mind to see life as a great adventure filled with infinite possibilities.  Re-training the mind takes diligent effort in shifting the perspective.  Remember that we can't always choose the hand we're dealt but we certainly can choose our perspective.  

I pledge allegiance...

 my girl. Lu 

At times like this I remember something my friend, Jon said to me once.  "Yeah, but that's just how you think, right hon?"  I think of that often when I catch a thought pattern.  I've been tracing the thought patterns, trying to uncover the root of the pattern.  The belief behind the pattern.  It's been an interesting exercise.  Upon examination, some beliefs are completely bat-shit crazy, others seem fairly benign.  What I'm most curious about is where these beliefs started.  How was the seed planted? 

Once I trace the thought pattern back to the belief I have an option.  I get to decide if the belief is true, does it still serves me or is it  time to let it go.  The process does take way longer than I would like.  "There's got to be a better way." I tell myself.  If there is, I haven't figured it out yet.  When I do, I'll be sure to write a book and go on tour.  

I'm thinking of what Jon said because it's become increasing clear to me that Jon was right. Not everyone thinks like me.  Funny, isn't it?  I'm 45 years old and it's just now occurring to me that not everyone thinks like me. When Jon pointed this out to me I was shocked.  Then I wondered why everyone doesn't think like me.  "Life would be so much easier if everyone thought like me!" I tell him. ( Let's pause and give thanks that not everyone thinks like me.)

Loyalty 

Loyalty is what I'm contemplating.  Hence, my girl Lu in the picture.  When I try to figure out what my beliefs are around the concept of loyalty I come to conclusion that I must have been a dog in a previous life.  That's the only explanation I can come up with as to why I'm fiercely loyal.  

I would even say loyal to a fault.  It's hard to believe that being too loyal can be hazardous.  (Wait, I think that belief may be worth examining...)

What does loyalty mean exactly?  The dictionary says "A strong feeling of support or allegiance."  I like this definition.  It makes sense in my head.  What does it mean to you?   What does loyalty look like?  I am loyal to Wawa.  I only buy coffee at Wawa even though 7-eleven is closer and McDonald's is cheaper.  That's one example of  loyalty.  It means that I support and have an allegiance to people even when it's inconvenience or difficult.  I sometimes feel like loyalty is a lost art. Sort of like cursive handwriting or getting handwritten letters in the mail. 

In my continuing effort to see the beauty in life I'm shifting my focus.  I'm looking for examples of loyalty instead of crying about the lack of loyalty I've been noticing.  As Jon points out, not everyone thinks like me but that doesn't mean it should stand in the way of loyalty.  Even if our beliefs are different can't we still support one another's right to our individual beliefs?  Can we be loyal to each other at the fundamental level of our shared humanity? 

You may not think like me but I would bet that we have the same basic human desires.  We all want to be safe.  We all want to happy. We all want to be loved.  We all want to be healthy.  Perhaps we can be loyal to each other's pursuit of these basic human desires.  Can you support that? Can you pledge allegiance to working towards these shared goals? 

Look at my girl!  She is the best teacher of unconditional love and loyalty. If you don't know what it means to be loyal get a dog.  

Are you opening or closing? How does your choice feel?

I've often said that the greatest gift yoga has given me is the connections that I've made with some truly wonderful people.  Today was the perfect example.  After teaching yoga I had tea with a couple of the ladies that came to class.  It didn't take long to realize that God was serving the tea today. Turns out these two lovely ladies have walked in my shoes.  It was so helpful to hear their stories.

One of the women talked about her experience walking the Camino De Santiago.  The greatest lesson she learned during the Camino pilgrimage was how important it is for her to foster and nurture the relationships that are important to her.  The other woman talked about how close she is with her children.  How even though they don't get to spend a lot of time physically together she feels very connected to them.

With many of my relationships coming to an end and others strained I've been feeling disconnected. It seems easier to isolate rather than engage with people.  Endings seem inevitable so I wonder if it's even worth the effort of trying to connect with others.  Today I was reminded that personal connections feed my soul.  Spending time with people I love and care about is worth the effort.  What I hadn't considered before was that even the brief encounters are worth the effort.

As we sat outside the coffee shop a group of older women walked by.  One sassy lady stopped at our table and asked if we were enjoying our meal.  She was quite a character.  Dressed in her "Sunday Best",  she joked about watching her weight.  She was full of life and her cheerful demeanor made me smile.  I'll probably never see that woman again but she left an impression on me.  She was enjoying the summer afternoon with some friends... Maybe they were life long friends or maybe they just met. It didn't matter, they were enjoying each others company.

During meditation we are instructed to give our attention more to the mantra and less to the thoughts.  The thoughts will come and go but we continue to give our attention to the mantra.  Eventually, the thoughts become less and less distracting.  "What you give your attention to grows stronger in your life." 

This lesson holds true in daily living too.  We give attention to the relationships and connections that feed our soul.  There will be relationships that come and go.  There will be relationships that are very much one sided.  Rather than focusing on those experiences maybe we need to shift our focus to where we do feel connected.  "What you give your attention to grows stronger in your life."

I'm thinking now of Betheyla.  She was a teacher that I met years ago.  At the time, I had no idea the impact of that brief encounter on my life.  I can assure you that she had no idea how powerfully she affected the course of my life.  We just never know how much our connections affect others both the brief ones and the life long ones.

That sassy lady won't ever know how she made us smile and how her presence validated the message of the importance of nurturing and fostering connections. Whether brief or life long connections it's worth the effort.  For the 3rd time in 3 days I thought about the astrologer who told me it's my dharma to share the word of God with others.

Only now I'm realizing what that meant.  God is always sharing his message with us.  He speaks through the people we connect with.  We are all God's instruments.  It is our dharma to share the word of God with others.  How could we possibly do that if we don't foster and nurture our relationships with others?

Being human is hard

I'm feeling the inspiration to write and share my thoughts for the first time in months.  I want to speak my truth.  I want to express myself freely and authentically.  My old friend, self-doubt, whispers in my ear ... "remember what happened that time you spoke your mind?"   

It's been my experience that whenever I speak the truth in my heart  people get mad at me.  Years ago an astrologer told me that I need to take public speaking classes.  He told me it's my dharma to speak the word of God.   I laughed.  How can I speak the word of God to others when no one listens to me? How do I know if what I feel compelled to speak is the word of God or just my ego? 

My old friend, self-doubt, whispers in my ear...."why would anyone care to listen?"  "What could you possible contribute?"  "What could you say that hasn't already been said by someone else better?" 

I'm feeling the inspiration to write and share my thoughts for the first time in months.  At the same time, My old friend, self-doubt whispers in my ear... "Aren't there enough people mad at you already?" 

I've had this recurring dream for years now.   The details change but the essence of the dream is always the same.  I find myself in a crowded place like the mall,  sports event, or even the bank. I become aware that some sort of violence about to take place.  I'm the only one who notices. I try to warn people but no one is paying attention.  No one is listening.  I try frantically to get people's attention without getting myself killed.  At times it seems like I have to choose between protecting myself or protecting others.  I'm trying to protect others without bringing any attention to myself.

In the dream, and in my life it seems, when I feel strongly compelled to say something that I know to be my authentic truth I am faced with that same decision.  Do I speak up in an effort to protect others when I know that ultimately, it may hurt me?  I can't really explain it.  At times, the feeling that I need to say something is so strong.  The feeling is persistent.  It's like being in that dream knowing that if I don't speak up someone is going to get hurt.   That's the only way I can explain it.   The thing is that in the waking state the danger isn't so obvious. That's what makes it harder to decide if what I'm feeling compelled to share is worth the risk.  

It's late, I'm not making any sense.  Tonight, it doesn't feel like what I have to say is worth the risk. Instead of  sharing the rant that hijacked my mind the last couple of  days I'll leave you with a few questions to ponder.

*  Is enlightenment for sale? 

*  What are the qualifications to call yourself a master? 

*  Can you buy healing? 

*  Why is there a price tag on sangha? 

*  With so many "masters" and "healers" in yoga-land why is the world still so fucked up? 

*  Will we repair our  moral compass or are we destined for complete self-destruction? 

Being human is hard.  I'm trying to feel compassion for people who are doing things that make me want to smack them.   I remind myself that being human is hard for all of us.  We're all fighting demons, we're all trying to "win" at this game called life.   What makes the game so hard is that it seems we all have different rules.  Imagine playing the game Life but using  Monopoly pieces and the rules from Twister.  

Om Namah Shivaya

The End...

I officially filed the divorce papers last week.  It was surprisingly simple.  I showed up at the courthouse, signed my name and paid a fee.  It's done?  Is that it?  The end of a 25 year marriage over with a signature and $330.  Seemed so strange. Almost anti-climatic.  As I drove home I wondered why there wasn't some sort of ceremony for divorce.  What's an appropriate reaction? Congratulations?  My condolences?  

The past 2 years, since the separation, have been a roller coaster of emotions. I was surprised that when I left the courthouse the only emotion I felt was relief.  I have spent 2 years grieving.  It's strange though.  When a loved one dies, there's a funeral.  Your family and friends come to support you as you say your good-byes.  The grieving is expected.   The emotions I felt at the end of my marriage were much the same.  Once the anger, resentment, and fear passed what was left was grief.  I didn't expect that.  What was even more difficult was holding space for my children to grieve and work through their own pain.  I would go to work and teach my classes.  I would make dinner and clean the house.  I would do the grocery shopping and fulfill my obligations.  Grieving and processing in private.  Doing what needed to be done while experiencing the most intense emotional turmoil I had ever faced.

I am grateful for my yoga practice.  It was through my sadhana that I was able to truly process the emotions.  It was my sadhana that gave me the strength and courage to walk through the darkness. I didn't numb my emotions.  I didn't run from my feelings.  Firmly established in my sadhana I was able to face each tidal wave of emotion head on.  For that I'm grateful.

The most difficult challenges we face in our lives become our greatest teachers.  With this thought in mind I decided that my divorce ritual will be a thank you letter.   It will go something like this...

Dear Ex,

Thank you for the craziness....It ignited the fire within me to seek out peace.
Thank you for your harshness .... It helped me appreciate kindness.
Thank you for making me feel less than... It gave me the drive to be the best version of myself.
Thank you for not being supportive.... It taught me to be self-sufficient.
Thank you for not providing... It made me a hard worker.
Thank you for teaching me what love isn't.... I now know what love is.
Thank you for the constant fighting... It made me appreciate harmony.
Thank you for abandoning me.... It taught me that I am stronger than I ever imagined.

In gratitude...
The End

My new friend, Saraswati

I should begin by saying that I have not done any sadhana to Saraswati.  At least not yet.  I've always heard that she is the Goddess of music, art, dance.  I've always thought that only musicians or artists did sadhana to Saraswati.  I was wrong.  She is inspiration itself,  pure consciousness.

The story goes that in the beginning Brahma, the creator, asked "How do I bring order to this chaos?"
Saraswati answered "With knowledge.  Knowledge helps man find possibilities where once he saw problems."  What I didn't know is that Saraswati is the Goddess of knowledge.  "She is the river of consciousness that enlivens creation."

That story struck home for me because my life has felt like complete and total chaos for the last couple of years.  I recently went to talk to a counselor who basically said the same thing to me.  Her advice was "Knowledge is power." She set me on track to find the information that I needed to bring order to the chaos I was facing.  It was quite empowering.

Saraswati is creativity.  She is inspiration. She governs over our speech.  Her energy embodies the power of discernment. It's said that if you were to pour milk into the lake, Saraswati's swan could separate the milk from the water and only drink the milk.  It is her gift of discernment that allows us the ability to separate truth from untruth.

Honestly, while I was reading,  I was surprised at how powerfully I was drawn to her.
Goddess, Lakshmi, is about using the senses to enjoy all the beauty in life,  Saraswati is more simple, clear, pure.  She's more interested in meditation, higher learning, wisdom.

"The question arose: who did Vishnu, the preserver,  need more? Lakshmi or Saraswati? Wealth or Knowledge?......Vishnu replies... "I need both knowledge and wealth to sustain the cosmos. Without knowledge, I cannot plan.  Without wealth, I cannot implement a plan.  Wealth sustains life; the arts give value to life.  Thus both Saraswati and Lakshmi are needed to live a full life." ~ Devi, Devdutt Pattanaik

Again, this is powerful for me personally.  I tend to appreciate practicality over beauty.  I look at something beautiful and while I can appreciate it's beauty I do not always see the value in it.   My mind doesn't see the value in something that has no practical, useful purpose.  This is a mental pattern that I'm working to change.  I look at some shinny, beautiful thing and I immediately ask "What's it's purpose?"  Instead of passing it by when I can't think of a useful purpose I try to remember that "beautifying my environment" is it's purpose.  

Both Saraswati and Lakshmi are needed to live a full life.  I have a feeling I'll be writing more about Saraswati in the future but for now here's her mantra.

OM AIM HRIM SARAWATYAI NAMAHA
Om, I bow to the flowing one whose essence is wisdom and the power to manifest

Use her mantra when you need some inspiration, when you are learning something new, when you need to give an important talk or speech.  Invoke her energy when you need help finding a solution to a problem or when you're making music or art.

 ~Awakening Shakti, Sally Kempton 

Lakshmi

Om Shrim maha Lakshmyai namah

The Goddess Lakshmi represents abundance, wealth, good fortune, beauty, love, fertility and all the sweetness in life.  

When I began my Lakshmi sadhana the intention was to attract enough cash flow to help me make ends meet.  Praying for abundance or wealth always felt greedy.  So I prayed for just enough.  At the beginning I didn't think attracting beauty into my life was worthwhile.  After all, I needed cash not beauty.  But... the way to honor or attract Lakshmi's attention and blessing is with beauty so I embarked on a beautiful adventure. 

I set up an alter in my bedroom. I covered the dresser with a shimmery Gold cloth.  I found a lovely, delicate lotus flower shaped candle holder that is a pale pink color.  The radiant glow of the candle holder when the candle is lit is perfect.  I offer her beautiful flowers, I offer her a beautiful mala hand made for me by a woman who embodies Lakshmi's beauty.  

My rituals include beautifying my environment.  Sweeping and mopping the floors, Making sure to keep my surrounds tidy and organized.  I read somewhere that Lakshmi likes a beautiful, clean environment.  As I do my household chores I remind myself that I am preparing my home for the Goddess.  I started the 100 days of beauty Facebook page to document the beauty I find in the ordinary.  In order to receive I must give, so I give of my time, I give money, even if it's only a few dollars to others who need it more than I do, I offer support and encouragement.  In order to receive I must give. 

Several months into my sadhana I started to feel Lakshmi's presence in my life.  I do believe she was always there but with my attention being put into honoring her I was more aware of her blessings.  I am surrounded by beauty.  It was always there.  All I needed to do was look.  The effort I put into beautifying my environment increases the beauty I see everywhere.  What I put my attention on grows stronger in my life. Taking the time to nourish and take care of myself  helps me feel more beautiful. The contentment I feel when I know that I am supported by the Divine Mother helps me. When I'm feeling calmer and at peace it radiates outward. Beauty begins within.  When you feel beautiful you look more beautiful. Nourishing and taking care of ourselves from the inside out is a way to honor Lakshmi.  She is all about the goodness and sweetness of life.  

Last summer, each time I picked vegetables from my garden I offered them first to Ma Lakshmi. Knowing that it was her Grace that provided the abundance of colorful, nourishing food.  It was Lakshmi's blessing that provided the friend who graciously came and helped me plant the seeds. What could be a better description of good fortune than friendship? 

What began as a sadhana asking for Lakshmi's blessing quickly turned into a sadhana of thanksgiving.  What good fortune to be able to recognize the abundance of goodness and sweetness that surrounds us! 

Om Shrim maha Lakshmyai namah! 

Jai Durga Ma

Let me preface by reminding you that I am not a Vedic scholar.  I am a spiritual seeker sharing my own personal experiences and thoughts.   My intention for this post is to share my experience with the Goddess, Durga.

First, I want to tell you the story of how I came to know Durga.  During my yoga teacher training program one of the guest teachers, Bonnie Pariser, asked me a few questions about some lower back pain I was feeling.  "Do you know Durga?" she asked me.  When I told her I didn't she told me that Durga creates a protective shield around you and fights the righteous fight for you until you are strong enough to fight along side her. I had not yet made the connection between emotional and physical pain so I didn't understand what she was telling me.

It wasn't until a year or so later that I remembered what Bonnie had said.  I was reading my friend, Susan Bertolino's blog one day and I noticed a beautiful image on the side bar.  I asked her about it and she told me it was a Durga Yantra.  (A yantra is a mystical diagram used for worship of deities)
That's when I remembered the story from yoga teacher training.  I decided to google Durga. One of the first links to come up was for a temple not far from where I live.  As I was reading the temple web-site I got a call from my daughter.  Her boyfriend needed to visit a temple for his religion class and wanted to know if I would go with him.  Turns out that  the temple he was going to was the same Durga temple that I was reading about.

The synchronicity continued.....

Not long after my visit to the Durga temple with the boy who eventually became my son-in-law I met a Vedic Astrologer that was visiting from Oregon.  (I'll save the story of the synchronicity of how we met for another post.)  At the end of his first visit to our studio we were saying good-bye. He told me that he wanted to give me something that belonged to his mother.  It was a beautiful image of Durga. I've carried that image with me ever since.   This gift represents, for me,  the story of the Goddess that I resonate with the most.

The story goes that none of the Gods could defeat the evil demon that was terrorizing the three worlds so they all came together to find a solution. After meditating, they decided that they would each offer up their own "super power" into the fire.  It was out of their combined offering that the warrior, Durga  manifested.  She was easily able to defeat the demon and the three worlds were protected from evil.  This story illustrates the power of the collective.

What I learned from doing sadhana to Durga is this:

We have a moral obligation to protect those who are not strong enough to fight the righteous fight.   That doesn't mean encouraging co-dependency.  It means holding space for someone while they do the work necessary to find their own inner strength.  Doing the inner work is a lot easier when you know someone has your back while you are in the vulnerable state of working through  your stuff.   Hold the space for someone and ask for support when you need someone else to hold the space for you.  Remember  "all that evil needs to succeed is for good people to stand by and  do nothing."   Don't stand by and do nothing when you see someone in need of help or protection. 

Collaboration is more powerful than competition.  Can you offer your ego into the fire to benefit the whole?  We each have unique gifts to offer and when we come together in community and combine our efforts for the greater good we can move mountains.  Remember the old saying "It takes a village to raise a child."?  In collaboration anything and everything is possible.

Change the thinking of I and mine to we and ours.  There's no doubt that most mothers would fight a lion to protect their child.  Think of the power behind all mothers and fathers standing up to protect ALL the children?  It can no longer be about my children verses your children.  It needs to be about OUR children.  Even further, there needs to be a shift from protecting my home to protecting OUR home, Mother Earth.   It's time to actually start practicing what we're preaching and see the oneness in all of life and move towards the unity that will accomplish greatness.

Om Hreem Shreem Dum Durgayai Namaha 

What do I have to offer?

What do I have to offer?? This is the thought that has hijacked my mind for weeks and weeks. 

What do I have to offer? Authenticity, vulnerablity and a heaping helping of "I don't know!". That's what I have to offer.

 

I'm learning to be ok in the not knowing. I'm ok with admitting that I don't have all the answers. I'm not an expert. Some days, it takes everything in me to just get my ass out of bed.  Some days I show up at my desk and look down to notice I'm wearing  two different shoes or that my shirt is on inside out.   I make mistakes.  I get angry, I get depressed.  I get overwhelmed.  What do I have to offer? 

 

Some days I say "What the fuck!!!"  47 times before lunch.  Some days I eat French fries for dinner.  Sometimes I have a perfectly good lesson plan ready but half way through the class I get distracted and forget what I had planned. 

 

What do I have to offer?  Most days I spend the whole day counting the minutes until I can go home, take off my bra and crawl under the covers.  Some days, I roll out my yoga mat  and with all good intentions I begin with Surya Namaskar only to spend the next hour in savasana after the first round.

 

Some days, I experience sensory over-load and my head spins, my heart races and I fight the urge the puke.  Some days, I honestly don't know if I'm coming or going.  Some days, I feel like giving up. 

What do I have to offer?  

 

Self-doubt is my constant companion.  Feelings of not being good enough, not doing enough, not working hard enough are so familiar that they feel like my own skin.  What do I have to offer?

 

I can offer my own struggles. I can offer my authentically, messy self.  I can offer my story.  I have learned some tools that have helped me.  I have had some experiences that have taken me to the brink and back.  I have walked through the "dark night of soul"  ( which, incidentally, lasted longer than a night).  What do I have to offer?  My own experience with all the messy human emotions that no one wants to talk about.  

 

What do I have to offer?   I can offer you what I, myself need.  A couple of years ago when my world turned upside down I remember someone saying to me "You'll be ok.  You have a lot of family and friends to support you."  The fact of the matter is that everyone thinks that someone else is offering support so no one actually does.  The biggest source of my distress has been when people say things like "I'm here for you."  "If you need anything call me."  The truth of the matter is that when I have reached out and asked for support I have been disappointed to find that  most people don't actually mean those things.

What do I have to offer?  Myself.  Authentically, Vulnerably, messy ME.   What do I have to offer?  Exactly what I need is what I wholeheartedly offer.  I was recently reminded that when I can't find what I need it's a sign that what I need is what I am meant to offer. "It is in giving that I receive". 

I don't know what that will look like exactly but I'm learning to be ok with not knowing and leaving the details up to God.  In the words of Kirtan Soul Revival.... "I release and I let go. I let the spirit run my life..."

 

Om Namah Shivaya!