Where do you stand?

Witnessing this moment in our country's history I osculate between horror and hope.  

Story after story of systemic racism breaks my heart daily.

Peaceful protests - arms linked in solidarity fill me with hope.

People I love and respect defending and justifying violence disgusts me. 

People I love and respect pledging to protect and support our marginalized brothers and sisters inspires me. 

Speeches that vomit hatred for another in the name of religion are vile. 

Actions of love, respect and service to another need no public declaration - God is there. 

I lose faith in humanity when I see someone being treated less than human. 

The resilience of the human spirit gives me strength and courage to keep extending my hand in service. 

The roots of hatred are so deep. It's overwhelming. 

It feels like we're digging up the roots of an ancient oak tree with a plastic beach shovel. 

But the mighty oak tree started as infinite potential stored in a tiny acorn.  

In this moment, we hold in our hands the same infinite potential for love and mutual respect. 

Like the tiny acorn, we are right now buried in darkness. We must allow ourselves to soften, be broken open, and continue to reach for light. 

Witnessing this moment in our country's history begs the question....What side of history do you want to be on?   Are you contributing to the horror or the hope?  How does your choice feel? 

The man with the conch shell

I recently ran into a man that I had met only once a couple of years ago.  I greeted him with "it's nice to see you again."  To which he replied "it's nice to be seen."   That simple statement "it's nice to be seen." has been rolling around in my head for a couple of weeks now.  It reminded me of Mrs. Greene, the principle at the elementary school.

Mrs. Greene and I didn't always see eye to eye when Tayler was at Overlook but the year Jake started I had a change of heart.  It was Mrs. Greene who introduced me, and the whole school, to an African word, "Ubantu".   Ubantu, she explained, was a way to say I see you.  You are because I am.  It is a reminder of our shared humanity.   When children are acting out  they are seeking attention.  When Mrs. Greene would notice students not getting along she would say "Ubantu" to remind the children of the Ubantu philosophy:  I see you.  You and I are one.  She felt that if the children felt "seen" they would have less reason to act out. 

I've spent most of my life hiding.  Doing my best to blend into the background.  I choose the spot in the back of the room always.   I cringe when the Facebook notification says "someone has tagged you in a photo" And yet, there is an innate need to be seen.  

"It's nice to be seen" 

It is this innate need to be seen that causes some people to be boastful.  To be honest, I mentally slap people who act like Peacocks displaying their feathers.  I'm not proud of it but it's true.  I have no tolerance for people that constantly want to be the center of attention.  I want to scream at them: 

"YOU ARE NOT THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE!!" I hear myself thinking "Get over yourself'" when someone is trying hard to impress me with how wonderful they are and how much they have accomplished. Then I beat myself up for being so mean.  I tell myself that it's the green eyed monster of jealousy that is making me feel so irritated.   

In a moment of clarity I recognize myself in those peacocks.  I remember our shared humanity, Ubantu.  I remember that the same innate human desire to be seen is in me and in you.  How we express this desire may be different but it comes from the same place.  

It's nice to be seen but I have no control over what others see in me.  Instead, I will focus on making an effort to be more present with others so that I may SEE beyond the ego personality.   Who ARE we beyond our ego personality?  Can I see that within myself? Can I see it in others?  What does it feel like to really be seen?   

Ubantu... I see you.  I'm grateful to the man with the conch shell who reminded me "It's nice to be seen." 

Compassion

"Where's the compassion?"  I've spent a lot time thinking about  compassion since that question was posed to me.   First thing I did was look up the definition of compassion.

Compassion; noun  (online dictionary)
"sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortune of others." 

This is the one I liked the best:
"compassion literally means to suffer together." (greatergood.berkeley.edu)

Then I read a bunch of online articles about what compassion is. I consulted the Bhagavad Gita and the Upanishads.   I watched some podcasts about it.  I had resolved to learn everything I could about compassion.

At the end of my week long search I can say, with a fair amount of certainty, that where compassion is not is in my head.   What I did find in my head was a lot of negative self-talk.  I kept telling myself that I am somehow deficient in the "compassion department".   How can I feel compassion for people who have hurt me?  That's crazy!!  No way!!  I'm not feeling sorry for those people! 

Get out of your head and into your heart. 

This morning a sat for meditation with the thought that I had failed at finding compassion.  Sitting in front of my alter I prayed to the Divine Mother to show me the way.  There wasn't much time after meditation to journal. I was already running late for work but as I showered I felt myself getting angry.  

I am a compassionate person!!! and just like that... I found where compassion is.   It's in my heart.  It was as if the Divine Mother turned the light on in my heart. I could see clearly that love, empathy, and compassion are qualities of my true nature.  

Through out the day today I had flashes of memories.  Memories where I felt hurt or betrayed.    When I observed those memories I was seeing the actions of the other person.  It wasn't until I turned my focus inward towards myself that I was able to see "where the compassion was".  It was in my ability to forgive over and over.  It was in my ability to keep showing up wholeheartedly.  It was in my ability to see that the actions of the person doing the hurting were motivated by their own pain and suffering.  

The Divine Mother's light in my heart helped me to see that in my effort for self preservation I had hardened my heart.  At the time, it felt like the only way for me to free myself from the endless cycle of abuse that had become my dysfunctional marriage.  I had come to believe that my capacity for forgiveness was a sign of weakness.  I must  be stupid to have stayed in an unhealthy relationship for so long.  I was wrong, I wasn't stupid or weak.  I have compassion for the suffering of others.  I am blessed with a great capacity to "suffer together".  Feeling the pain and suffering of others as if it were my own is compassion.  

One of the articles I read said that compassion is not only feeling the suffering of others but also wanting to help.  The fact of the matter is that sometimes the most compassionate thing we can do to help someone is to show them that their actions have consequences.  I can be a compassionate person and maintain strong boundaries.  I can feel compassion for your suffering and  still hold you accountable for your actions when you use your suffering as an excuse to hurt others. 

Now, the work is to have compassion for myself and acknowledge that I am doing the very best I can.  Allowing myself to soften and open my heart again will take time, patience and self compassion.  I have faith that returning to my true nature will be worth the effort. 

"Where's the compassion?"  In the lotus of the heart.  Om Mani Padme Hum.

Are you opening or closing? How does your choice feel?

I've often said that the greatest gift yoga has given me is the connections that I've made with some truly wonderful people.  Today was the perfect example.  After teaching yoga I had tea with a couple of the ladies that came to class.  It didn't take long to realize that God was serving the tea today. Turns out these two lovely ladies have walked in my shoes.  It was so helpful to hear their stories.

One of the women talked about her experience walking the Camino De Santiago.  The greatest lesson she learned during the Camino pilgrimage was how important it is for her to foster and nurture the relationships that are important to her.  The other woman talked about how close she is with her children.  How even though they don't get to spend a lot of time physically together she feels very connected to them.

With many of my relationships coming to an end and others strained I've been feeling disconnected. It seems easier to isolate rather than engage with people.  Endings seem inevitable so I wonder if it's even worth the effort of trying to connect with others.  Today I was reminded that personal connections feed my soul.  Spending time with people I love and care about is worth the effort.  What I hadn't considered before was that even the brief encounters are worth the effort.

As we sat outside the coffee shop a group of older women walked by.  One sassy lady stopped at our table and asked if we were enjoying our meal.  She was quite a character.  Dressed in her "Sunday Best",  she joked about watching her weight.  She was full of life and her cheerful demeanor made me smile.  I'll probably never see that woman again but she left an impression on me.  She was enjoying the summer afternoon with some friends... Maybe they were life long friends or maybe they just met. It didn't matter, they were enjoying each others company.

During meditation we are instructed to give our attention more to the mantra and less to the thoughts.  The thoughts will come and go but we continue to give our attention to the mantra.  Eventually, the thoughts become less and less distracting.  "What you give your attention to grows stronger in your life." 

This lesson holds true in daily living too.  We give attention to the relationships and connections that feed our soul.  There will be relationships that come and go.  There will be relationships that are very much one sided.  Rather than focusing on those experiences maybe we need to shift our focus to where we do feel connected.  "What you give your attention to grows stronger in your life."

I'm thinking now of Betheyla.  She was a teacher that I met years ago.  At the time, I had no idea the impact of that brief encounter on my life.  I can assure you that she had no idea how powerfully she affected the course of my life.  We just never know how much our connections affect others both the brief ones and the life long ones.

That sassy lady won't ever know how she made us smile and how her presence validated the message of the importance of nurturing and fostering connections. Whether brief or life long connections it's worth the effort.  For the 3rd time in 3 days I thought about the astrologer who told me it's my dharma to share the word of God with others.

Only now I'm realizing what that meant.  God is always sharing his message with us.  He speaks through the people we connect with.  We are all God's instruments.  It is our dharma to share the word of God with others.  How could we possibly do that if we don't foster and nurture our relationships with others?

If you want to go East just don't go West.

There is no greater friend in the world than our will

 and there is no greater enemy in the world than our will. 

For the past week or so I've been reading a book by Eknath Easwaran called Essence of the Upanishads, A key to Indian Spirituality.  Have I mentioned how much I love Easwaran's work?
The simplicity with which he delivers the ancient yoga teachings is what makes his work so powerful.

Often times, as I stand at a crossroad of my life I experience fear, self-doubt, confusion.  Life becomes overwhelming.  During those times, even the simplest tasks feel monumental.  The Upanishads have been my road map when I'm lost.

Our greatest weapon against stress is our ability

 to choose one thought over another.

One of the simple, yet profound quotes from Easwaran's book is "If you want to go East just don't go West."  It really is that simple.  My teacher, Shiva Das, used to tell me "Just do the next right thing in each moment."   It really is that simple.   We give attention to those things in our life that we want to grow.  I want more mental clarity and peace of mind.  How I achieve those states of being is to make them a priority.   Will drinking alcohol or eating Doritos bring me closer to my goal of mental clarity and peace of mind? or take me further away?  It's that simple. 

When our will is our friend, the choices are easy.  When our will is our enemy making healthy choices is a much more difficult task.  The key to achieving the life we want lies in the strength of our will.  That's the good news.   According to Easwaran, the will can be strengthened by exercising it.  

As I continue to practice making friends with my will I have found some useful tips. 

* Keep it simple

Remember, if you want to go East just don't go West.  Are my actions and thoughts taking me closer to my goal or further away? 

* Hold space

Allowing a bit of space between the experience/challenge and the response/reaction helps me make conscious choices instead of reacting from impulse.   When a building collapses we need to wait for the dust to clear before we can assess the damage and before we can rebuild we need to clear the debris.  The same holds true for any trauma.  First, let the dust settle, assess where the work needs to be done.  Clear the debris before you rebuild.  Constructing a new building over the ruins of the old one will not provide the stability needed to withstand the next storm. 

*Be honest with yourself 

Avoiding the truth will always come back and bite you in the ass.  Hiding, numbing, avoiding only prolongs your suffering. "You have to feel it to heal it".   Don't hang pretty wallpaper to cover up the crumbing wall.  Easwaran explains it like embroidering the seat belts in the car but not taking care of the engine. 

*That which you give your attention to grows stronger in your life

Nothing grows unless you give it your attention.  No matter how much I love this beautiful Gardenia plant if I put it in the corner and ignore it there's no doubt that it will die.   The more I give my attention to finding beauty the more beauty I see.  The more attention I give to seeing God's Grace the more I feel supported.  The more attention I give to those people and things that bring me joy the more joy I experience.  

*Take action

We can pretend to be a victim of our circumstances or we can take our power back.  I imagine it like a sailboat.  We can set out on our little sailboat and allow the winds to push and pull us here and there and we can sit back and play victim when we don't reach our destination  or we can lift the sails and adjust them as needed.  That way the winds of our life will be the energy we need to direct our little boat towards our destination.  There will always be storms. Whether we use them as fuel for our spiritual evolution or we allow them to get us stuck in the mud is up to us.  The choice is ours. 

It's really that simple. Ultimately, every time we engage our will and make the choice that takes us towards our goal, no matter how small the step is, we are strengthening our will.   When our will is our friend we will surely reach our goal. 

Om Namah Shivaya! 

Make me an instrument...

Prayer of St. Francis

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace, 

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; 

to be understood as to understand; 

to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive; 

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; 

and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

I've been saying this prayer since I was a child.  Today, I felt like I was living this prayer... Or rather, the prayer was living me.  I have the great privilege of taking part in a sacred circle sharing teachings that I feel so passionately about with a group of amazing women.  

As I take my seat in the sacred circle  I acknowledge and bow to all the teachers who have shared the profound teachings of yoga with me. I ask for their blessing and pray that I may become an instrument for God's Grace.  

As I take my seat in the sacred circle I recognize myself in the faces of each and every other woman in that circle.  Each one bringing to the circle their own struggles and their own profound wisdom.  Each of us showing up with open hearts and open minds. 

It is in giving that we receive.... I was presented with an opportunity to practice this.  I am grateful that I had the clarity of mind to recognize this opportunity.  The opportunity also helped me to understand that perhaps the reason I experienced the recent "trauma" was to prepare me for the opportunity to give what I, myself,  needed to receive.  So often I struggle with the perception that all these bad things are happening TO me.  Today I had the realization that these "struggles" are actually happening FOR me.  

Today, I felt the Grace of God flowing through me as I shared the sacred teachings of the Upanishads with this group of amazing women.  As the teachings flowed through me each word was meant for me.  It was in giving that I received.  Each word that passed through my heart felt like the hand of God healing my shattered heart. One piece at a time.  Where there was despair...hope,  Where there was darkness...light,  Where there is injury...Pardon.  Where there was sadness...joy. 

In the words of my mother... "God loves me... He really loves me."  

Sometimes, I feel like I need to pinch myself.  How luck am I that I get to share the teachings that I feel so passionately about in sacred circles with some truly remarkable people.  And How lucky am I to have a friend who made that possible? I am eternally grateful to her for having more confidence in me than I had in myself. 

How lucky am I that in the process of sharing God's message I receive the message I've been seeking?  

Love anyway.

When does the practice of Svadhyaya, self-inquiry, become obsession and self-destructive?  It's interesting to me that even the spiritual practices can become a hindrance.  These practices we engage as a means to bring us closer to the Divine can become tools for the ego to take us further away from God.  

I came across the picture above on the 100 days of Beauty facebook page. The page was started as a way to share my sadhana to Venus with others and to hold myself accountable.I had committed to looking for beauty everyday for 100 days. With the help of my friends, the posts on the page have inspired me and filled my life with so much beauty.  When I struggle to see beauty in the chaos of my own life it helps me to see the beauty others have found.  

This picture, struck a nerve though.  I have been contemplating love a great deal lately.  I've used this idea of self-inquiry to examine my relationship with love.  But self-inquiry has turned into self-destruction.  I have been picking myself apart for not being able to love good enough and not being lovable enough. It's the same song and dance. I'm not enough.  If only I had not said this.  If only I had done that. If only I was more like this or less like that then I'd be lovable.  

This self-destruction disguised as self-inquiry has even gone so far as to point out how stupid I am for loving people when they don't love me back.  How stupid can I be to continue to feel love for someone who clearly doesn't feel the same about me?  

Then today, I came across this picture.  I'm reading a book by St. Teresa of Avila so when I was scrolling through the posts this one jumped out at me.   Love cannot be bought.  It can't be stolen, it cannot be cajoled, it cannot be seduced.  Only genuine love begets love. 

How do we know if it's genuine love we are feeling or we're trying to seduce or cajole?  How do we know if it's genuine love or co-dependency? If my love doesn't beget love does that mean its not genuine?

If I love you six units and you don't return six units and I don't withdraw my six units does that make me stupid or does that mean it's genuine love?   How do we know if it's genuine love or simply an inability to let go?  I tend to get attached to people.  When they inevitably disappear from my life I suffer.  My head says that I should withdraw my "six units of love".  My heart doesn't agree. 

My teacher says, the heart is the gateway between our humanity and our Divinity.  Seems to me that it's also the gateway to mass confusion for some of us.  

How can we tell if it's genuine love we feel or unhealthy attachment? 

St. Teresa says that if we don't learn to love we will suffer.  My experience has been that even if we do love we may still suffer.  Or... Does the fact that it's causing suffering mean it's not genuine? 

Maybe I am stupid.  Maybe I am too attached to people.  Maybe it is unhealthy to be attached to people who don't, for whatever reason, offer the same six units of love back to me. 

I'll follow my heart instead of my ego and error on the side of love.  I will follow the example of the Saints and Sages and continue to offer my heart.  As long as my motivation for love is genuine and unconditional whether or not it's returned or received the way I intend is none of my business. 

Love begets love.... But even if it doesn't, love anyway. 

Being able to love even after your heart has been broken into a million pieces is a beautiful thing.  Having the tools to recognize that the same song and dance of the ego no longer serve me is a beautiful thing. 

We are made in the image of God.  How can we ever be "not good enough"?    

Is it worth it?

Had I known the depths that my yoga practice would take me I doubt I would have had the courage to step foot on the mat.  Truth be told, I started taking yoga classes as a way of relieving stress.  I was in search of love and light and cotton candy.  I was bound and determined to be peaceful and happy even if it kills me.  Some days, it seems that my practice is doing just that... killing me.  In reality, it is killing "Me".

In yoga-land they use the analogy of peeling away the layers of an onion to describe the peeling away of the masks and stories that we have created around this idea of what or who "Me" is.   When I peel an onion it makes me cry.  The same is true with the peeling away of the layers of "Me". There are inevitably tears and pain involved when we start to peel away the masks.  We feel raw and vulnerable.  There's also fear.  Fear of what's underneath the  mask and stories of our lives?  How will people react to me without the mask?  Who am I under the stories and masks?

What keeps us peeling away, despite the pain and fear, is the promise of discovering who we really are at our core.   What is the essence of who we are without the stories, without the masks?  It's the promise of nirvana or bliss that keeps us returning to the painful practice of peeling away.  Some days I want to give up.  Some days it seems the onion has no many layers that I'll never reach the center.
Other days, I feel lighter for having discarded so many layers already and I feel inspired to keep going.

It seems to me that the beginning layers peel away rather easy.  It actually feels liberating and freeing to let go of the story that I needed to live up to the standards set by Betty Crocker or Martha Stewart or Leave it to Beaver's mom.   The beginning layers are more superficial.  As you let go you feel invigorated and it propels you onward.  Like peeling paint from the front porch.  At first, the pieces that weren't so attached come away easy and I think to myself  "How hard could it be?".

Once the superficial layers get cleared away you start to work on the layers that have been there a little longer.  These stories and masks are ones that we have been carrying for a lot longer and we're more attached to.  They get harder to shake loose.  We start to question whether or not it's worth the effort to remove them or maybe, like the front porch, we want to just paint over those layers and pray for the best.

This journey of self-discovery is not for the faint of heart.  The deeper our practice is  the deeper it takes us into the dark corners of our minds.  At some point, we reach those stories that we are sure are entwined into the very fibers of our being.  How will I ever peel those away?

While peeling away the paint on the porch, we got to a point where some of the wood was coming away with the paint.   That's what it feels like for me right now.  It feels like some of the very fibers of my being are being peeled away along with the story.  The pain feels more like grief.  Grief is a natural response to loss. Even if the loss is just a story of who we thought we were.  I didn't, however, expect grief to be a part of the practice that was suppose to bring me to love and light and cotton candy.

There is fear, and vulnerability in the rawness of letting go of these deep layers of the story of "Me". Who will I be when this layer is gone?  This story is, by far, the most painful to let go of.  Will I have the courage and strength to tackle the next one?  How much more pain and grief must I endure before I reach this elusive state of bliss?  Is it even worth the effort?  Today, I surrender to the feet of the Divine Mother who soothes all pain and grief.

It's for the children

My day started with this short Ted Talk called The Fierce Face of the Feminine.   I really hope that everyone takes a few minutes to watch it.  The talk is powerful and it got my head spinning.  So much of it resonated so deeply in me.  I had flashbacks of times when I have felt that fierce fire within me. 

Times when the fire within me burned so strong that I could not hold myself back.  This short little Ted Talk felt like the final piece of  the puzzle.  It's going to take some time to digest the realizations that I've been having all day but there is one piece of the talk that I want to start a conversation about. 

Lets talk about this concept that we are all mothers and fathers of ALL the children.  You know the saying "It takes a village to raise a child"?  Its time to get back to this practice.  When I was a kid I knew that any one of the "moms" in my life would be there for me whether it was for help or discipline.  When my kids were young and would play outside they knew that the other "moms" would be there for them to help or discipline.  As my girls were growing into young women they had other "moms" who have stepped in and offered guidance and advice to them. 

I'm that mom that's always asking kids "does your mom know where you are?" before letting the kid hang out at my house.  I'm that mom that yells at kid standing on someone's car "Get off of there before you break your neck!"  I'm that mom that offers an ear to the teenager who had a fight with their own mom.  I'm that mom that stands in the parking lot keeping an eye on the group of little ones blowing bubbles when there isn't any other adults around.  I'm that mom that lunges to catch a kid that's climbing out the shopping cart. I'm grateful that I have had a  circle of powerful women doing the same for me and my children.  It is this circle of powerful women that have taught me what it means to be a mother and a woman. 

I have the great privilege of witnessing my daughters becoming powerful young women in their own right.  I am so proud of them that it makes my heart burst.  But I can't take all the credit. They too were surrounded by a circle of powerful women guiding them and protecting them. 

I never realized that this was unusual.  I assumed that every community had a circle of powerful women protecting and guiding the children in their lives.  If there isn't one in your community then you start one.  Very simple, small changes in the way to participate in your own community will make a huge difference.  If we each pledge to take responsibility for not only our own children but for all the children in our community WE can start a revolution of positive change in our world. 

When the children are protected and cared for by the community, the community reaps the rewards of well rounded children.  Well rounded children grow up to be productive members of society.  

Freedom of Speech

I am in a unique position in my life.  I have one foot in yoga-land and the other in the "real world".  

For years I thought this was a hindrance to my spiritual growth.  I now see that it is the ultimate blessing.  

This morning, after my yoga class, a new student said to me that she really appreciated my "teaching" at the beginning of class.  What I shared changed her experience during the physical practice. Today's bhavana was inspired by the book I'm reading, The Untethered Soul, by Michael Singer.  

In the book, the author talks about a dog who's nature it is to run free that suddenly finds himself in a backyard with an electric fence.  The dog, attempts to run  free but hits the invisible boundary and is shocked.  He learns that if he goes too close to the boundary it's uncomfortable so he stays in the yard.   The author goes on to talk about how some dogs are determined to be free.  The determined dog will gradually get closer and closer to the boundary.  He begins to adjust to the discomfort, little by little.  One day, he moves right through the discomfort, crosses the boundary and HE'S FREE! The discomfort is temporary.  Once he crosses it, he's free.  

The last few days I've been feeling like the dog in the yard with the electric fence. I'm becoming more aware, not only of the fact that the electric fence is my own self-imposed boundary, but also to what extent I will go to avoid being uncomfortable.  

There are so many areas in my life that I can see this at play but none as such as in my speech.  For most of my life I never felt comfortable speaking my mind to people.   Well, let me re-phrase that.  It wasn't so much  my mind I had trouble expressing, it was my heart.  I've gotten better at it but I still find myself holding back when I feel uncomfortable about what I want to say.  Speaking from the heart makes me feel vulnerable and that vulnerability is uncomfortable. 

I can see now, that my inability to move through the discomfort of speaking what was in my heart was a huge contributing factor in the break-down of my marriage.  I was afraid to stand up for myself.  I allowed my heart to be ripped to shreds to avoid the discomfort of speaking up.  The discomfort that I was afraid of was being alone, being unlovable.  In the end, I was alone all along.  In the end, I was unlovable... to myself.   The more I held back what was in my heart the more alone and unlovable I felt.  The self-imposed boundary that I put in place to protect myself ended up being what caused me the most pain.  

I'm learning to move through the discomfort.  Little by little, I'm sharing from my heart.  When I take risks and actually  teach from my own personal experience, from my heart,  about how I apply the teachings of yoga to my day to day life, I'm free...  

There's a catch though... Just like when we practice asana, it's not about pushing past the boundary it's about flirting with our edge.  Learning to be comfortable being uncomfortable.  Moving slowly, mindfully, consciously, closer and closer to the self-imposed boundary allowing ourselves time to adjust to a new reality.  

The journey

I'm on the train for the long journey home

Sometimes its quiet 

Sometimes there's a lot of distractions

I need to learn to find comfort

for the long journey home

I watch the scenery out the window

Sometimes it's so beautiful it takes my breath away

Sometimes it's dark and scary

I need to learn to find comfort

for the long journey home 

Passengers board and passengers leave

Sometimes the seat next to me is taken by kindness

Sometimes it's harshness

I need to learn to find comfort

for the long journey home

When the scenery is dark and scary 

When the next seat is filled with anger 

I want to leave the train

"this isn't the right train" I tell myself

But this is the train home 

My heart longs to be home 

so 

I need to learn to find comfort

After all,  the scenery and the passengers

come and go

I am just a traveler on the long journey home 

 

Authentically vulnerable

I make a very conscientious effort to be authentic in every area of my life.  Authenticity is something that I value. So many times I've heard myself saying "This is me, the good, the bad, and the ugly".

I really believed these statements to be true.  Then one day I was talking to a friend about how someone hurt my feelings.  I told him that I was upset with this person.  "No, I haven't told him how I feel" I tell my friend.   I value my relationship with this person and I'm afraid that if I tell him how I feel that it may put a strain on the relationship.  Is this relationship that I value authentic?  How can it be authentic if I don't feel like it could handle an honest conversation?

Someone I know is behaving in a way that makes me uncomfortable. Sneaking around, gossiping, and looking to make trouble for others.  I considered this person a friend but her behavior making it hard to continue being her friend.  How can I trust her? Trust is the foundation of any relationship.  How authentic am I if  I can't express my feelings for fear that they will be used against me?

The relationship between vulnerability and authenticity is a very curious thing.  When we choose to be authentic vulnerability is part of the package.  Isn't it?   Can you be authentic without being vulnerable?  Whenever I have to express my authentic feelings I do feel vulnerable.  What if the other person views my vulnerability as a weakness and uses it to attack me?  Is it safe to be authentic with everyone?  Is "selective authenticity" really authentic?

I feel incredibly vulnerable when I show up as my authentic self.  What if someone doesn't like the authentic me?  What if  I speak my authentic feelings from my heart and someone is offended, or worse gets angry?   Is the act of living your life with authenticity worth the risk of being vulnerable?

I believe that once we all let our guards down and choose authenticity we can see that our vulnerabilities are not so different.  When we see that we are all struggling with the same need to be accepted, same need to be loved, same need to be heard we may begin to help each other up instead of looking for ways to tear each other down.

It is only when we can accept our own vulnerabilities that we can begin to truly live authentically.  Once we are comfortable in our vulnerabilities then we must hold space for others to do the work to find comfort in their vulnerability.

It takes a tremendous amount of strength to look authentically at our vulnerabilities.  It takes even more strength to find comfort in them.  How comfortable are you being authentically vulnerable?

Sometimes I struggle.

Sometimes I struggle....

It's hard to understand God's master plan. 

It's all perfect the yoga teacher says.

Today the perfection is hidden behind the struggles

like the sun hidden behind the clouds. 

Sometimes I struggle....

The shadow emotions hit me like a tidal wave. 

The wind gets knocked out of me. 

Dear God... I'm trying to have faith.

I try to remember your Grace that flows so abundantly some days.

Today is just one moment. 

Tomorrow another. 

Sometimes I struggle....

I am not the general contractor of the universe

that position is already filled.

Arrogance is behind my desire for life to be different than what it is.

After all how can I presume to know better than God how things should be. 

Sometimes I struggle....

I want to fight against the injustice and injury. 

I want to cry at the sadness. 

My tears wash away the ego that clouds my inner vision.

It's all in God's hands.  

Sometimes I struggle...

Then I remember the power behind it all.

"Know him to be enshrined in your heart always.

Truly there is nothing more in life to know.

Meditate and realize this world

is filled with the presence of God." 

(Shvetashvatara Upanishad) 

This is not what I imagined

Wow!  It's been so long since I posted that I forgot my password!  It's been a whirlwind year for me. My life has been turned inside out and upside down.  Good, bad and ugly and everything in between could be used to describe my adventures in this game we call life.  I feel like I've walked through the fires of hell and at the same time I have felt a tremendous sense of freedom.   Life is so strange.

Perhaps it's the effects of Mercury retrograde but tonight I find myself reviewing all the changes that have happened this past year.  I'm remembering moments of deep despair when I felt like the world was coming to an end.  I'm remembering moments of lightness when I felt like my heart would burst with joy.  "I never imagined my life would be like this." I would repeat over and over.   This is not how I planned things.  That's when I remember all those mornings sitting in front of the alter.  That's when I remember offering my life in service to God.   "Not my will but thy will be done" was my mantra for years.  Seated at the Divine Mother's feet I would pray, "let my hands be your hands, let my words be your words, let me life be your instrument."

Through all the chaos and confusion, through all the laughter and joy, through all the fear and worry, and through moments of pure bliss, the common thread that was pulling me through life was the Divine Mother.  Just as a child is comforted in her mother's embrace I too was comforted when I remembered the love of the Divine Mother.  In  fear I tried to remember Her,  In joy I tried to remember Her. My life is not at all what I had imagined it would be yet I feel an incredible sense of gratitude.

During a perfectly ordinary moment today I realized that my morning prayer was heard.  My life is not at all what I imagined it to be.  How could it be?  How could I ever imagine what God had in store for me?   During a perfectly ordinary moment today I felt the comfort of Ma's embrace.  From the outside the past year seems tragic, and chaotic and messy.  From the inside, when I could rest in the knowledge that I am ever in Ma's embrace, it was fluid and beautiful.

"Remember, always, there is an Intelligence which

pervades all of nature, and It knows best how to work.

It even knows what is best for us.  We do the best we

can to prepare ourselves for the reception of God's Grace,

and then

We relax, firm in the assurance that all is well."

~ Roy Eugene Davis

The other side of the mat

For years I've been attending the early morning yoga retreat week that happens at the change of each season.  For the last couple of years it's been the only time I get to practice with my favorite yoga teacher.  So when my favorite yoga teacher asked if I would lead the spring retreat week I was both disappointed (that I wouldn't get to practice with him) and at the same time incredibly honored and excited to lead it. The anxiety and nerves came later. 

As a student participating in the retreat  I have had first hand experience of it's profound nature. I wasn't, however, prepared for the profound revelation I would experience from the other side of the mat.  

Today is day 3 so the focus of the practice is the heart center.  I was nervous about setting the intention for our practice today.  The struggles with the heart center have been plentiful so it took quite a bit of introspection to try to find words that would inspire a yoga practice.  It reminded me of how inadequate words are. Nevertheless, together, the group shared their thoughts and ideas related to the Anahata Chakra (the heart center). Somehow, through the joint effort of the group, inspiration

was created. 

As I was leading the group through the asana practice I was experiencing a very powerful inner revelation! An intense moment of clarity that I was not prepared for.  I was, after all, in the middle of leading a practice!!  "God, can you hold please?"  "This is really not a good time for me to get distracted!!"  Still, the message persisted.  

What choice did I have but to flow with the message...Open your heart to receive love. 

Whether from yourself or someone else.  Be open to receive.  

My mind quickly races in with reasons why I can't do that.  Why it's not safe to open your heart. 

The mind is such a powerful persuader.  Opening our hearts puts us in a very vulnerable position. 

I would venture to say that feeling vulnerable because of previous hurts is a fairly common experience and it is a convincing argument to keep the heart closed.  Especially if, like me you have 

the false belief that you can still give love without fulling opening your heart.  Sort of like "selective numbing". 

The more disturbing reason my mind came up with is that I'm not worthy of receiving love.  When one of the students was sharing this morning she talked about negative self talk.  I suggested that she ask herself is any of it is true.  I suppose I should start there myself.   My initial response is to try to figure out why I have this belief.  Where did it come from?  How long have I carried this belief? How has it impacted me?  And, of course, who's to blame? 

Instead, today I will simply recognize it as a false belief that does not serve me and release it.  It's a burden I suspect I've carried for lifetimes.  It's too heavy to carry anymore.  

I am worthy of receiving love and I will continue to open my heart to receive it.  When I feel myself closing down I will gently remind myself that I am worthy.  Combining this new practice of opening to receive love seems to go hand in hand with my practice of accepting only what is being offered freely.  Being receptive rather than reaching will be the theme.

I'm remembering something I read in David Frawley's book about Soma.  It said something like the sun represents our striving towards God and the moon represents the Grace of God flowing towards us.  Maybe the moon practices that I've been doing were preparing me for this revelation. 

From Darkness to Light

From darkness to light

Woke up during the night with a nagging sense of lack. 

I got out of my warm, comfy bed when the nagging feeling persisted.  

Walking into the kitchen, where I prepared our dinner earlier,

With the flick of the switch I have light.

Turning on the faucet I fill a glass with clean drinking water. 

"You're not doing a good job", "You need to do more", "What if 

there isn't enough?"  

The nagging, persistent thoughts continue. 

Before going back to my warm, comfy bed I check on the kids.

My healthy children are tucked into their warm comfy beds,

 sleeping soundly. 

As I crawl back under the warm, clean blanket on my warm comfy bed

I listen to the furnace working hard to heat the home where my healthy,

happy family is fast asleep in their own beds under their own warm

blankets with their bellies full of the meal we shared together.  

I try my best to get back to sleep. 

 Pushing away the nagging thoughts only makes them stronger.  

Then I remember the mantra... My saving Grace. 

In between the mantra and the thoughts of lack there's Grace.

It's there, in the Grace, that I heard the whispers of the Divine.

" It is the mind that frees us or enslaves..." 

It's the mind that senses lack 

It's in the heart that Love resides. 

Change the focus from the mind to the heart

A shift in perspective happens

The sense lack shifts to an enormous sense of gratitude. 

Gratitude for the what I do have.  Gratitude for my teachers that have 

pointed me in the direction of my heart and taught me the tools I need to

see and feel the guidance and Grace of the Divine 

I drift off to sleep in my warm, comfy bed with a shift in perspective. 

Lessons learned in failure.

We are up to our elbows in wedding planning. My daughter is getting married!  So much time is spent planning the perfect day.  Much thought is given to every detail.  Which flowers, what color, invitations must be just right. Do the table clothes match the napkins.  We can't just pick a cake, we need to have a tasting first. It takes at least a year to plan a wedding.   How much thought is given to what happens after the wedding?

The top of the wedding cake is in the freezer, the thank you notes are mailed.  Now what?  Most people spend more time planning the wedding than they do planning how they will join their lives together.  

I want to give my daughter and future son-in-law some advice. I want to share the lessons I've learned in failure.   Hindsight, they say, is 20/20.   

Before beginning a journey together, decide together where you're going.  Sit down and put into words what you value most in life.  What are those core values that you are not willing to compromise on.  Life gets busy and we get sidetracked and sometimes we forget.  Create a mission statement for your family.  Hang it up in your bedroom.  Let it be your first thought in the morning and your last thought at the end of a long day.  

It's important to know what compromise actually means.  I've come to learn that compromise is not "giving in".  It's not someone wins while the other loses.  There will be many disagreements even in a healthy relationship,   The key is how you handle them.  Fighting isn't the problem, not knowing how to fight is the problem.  Compromise means being willing to listen and consider what the other person is saying and then trying to find some common ground.  It's in the common ground that the solution is always found.  A guest on the Oprah show said that when you are in a relationship you gain a second set of eyes.  Be open to seeing things from your partner's perspective.  Recognizing that they are your second set of eyes.  During a disagreement ask your partner "What are you seeing that I'm not".  

Avoid, at all cost, keeping a score card. You are both working towards the same goal. 

(remember the mission statement for your family) You are on the same team.  If one loses, you both lose.  A win for one is a win for both.  Help each other be the best person you can be.  Build each other up, don't tear each other down.  Remember if one loses you both lose.  

Communication is the key to both success and failure.  Remember that words are like toothpaste, Once they're out they can never be taken back.  That doesn't mean holding back your feelings to avoid a fight, that causes anger and resentment.  It doesn't mean using your words like a baseball bat. They leave a ripple in the heart of your partner that can never be smoothed out. It means learning to talk openly and honestly to your partner about what you need and how you feel.  For that to happen there needs to be trust. 

 Protect each others heart and soul as if  you have been entrusted with the most precious jewels in the world.  Because you have.  Ask your partner what they need to be their best self and then help them achieve their best.  When each partner values the other and supports the other to become their best self everyone wins. Experience your partners joys and successes are if they were your own. 

At the end of the day.... Remember you are both on the same team working towards the same goals. Strengthen the each other because the strength of a family and a future depends on the strength of the foundation.  

The Naked Yogi

I've had these seemingly random thoughts swirling around in my head.  I couldn't make sense of them. Something was missing that would link these thoughts.  I have tried writing.  Sometimes the act of putting the words into sentences helps me make sense of the thoughts.  This time the missing link continued to elude me.

I seriously do my best thinking in the shower. As I was shampooing the missing link become clear. 

The missing link:

Self-acceptance

I recently told a friend that I felt  like it's time to stand naked in the middle of my life. The emotions that this thought brought up is fear, shame, and mostly vulnerability.  What I didn't expect at first is the exhilarating feeling of liberation and freedom that may result from this act of "standing naked in the middle of my life".    (Disclaimer: don't worry children, you will not come home to find your mother on the front lawn naked chanting to the moon)

I realized that my fascination with the TV show "My strange addiction" is rooted in this idea of bringing those parts of ourselves that we keep hidden in the deepest, darkest parts of ourselves out into the light.  Once we allow our souls to be bathed in light we can begin the process of self-acceptance.

At first, I watched the people on "My Strange Addiction" and "My big fat fabulous life" thinking that the missing link was courage.  I was wrong.  First comes vulnerability, then comes self-acceptance.  We accept our vulnerability.  THEN...comes having the courage to "stand naked in the middle of your life".   The result.... Liberation and Freedom.

When we stop hiding who we are we free up so much energy.  We can put this energy into living our life fully and completely. 

Struggling with weight my entire adult life I know all about the energy it takes to hide.  I'm always trying to blend into the background.  Never wanting to draw attention to myself.  I'm always pulling my clothes down, always covering up.  It's exhausting.  So often hiding has held me back from having fun and enjoying my life.  

Standing naked in the middle of your life is scary as hell, no doubt. But once the initial shock has passed imagine the freedom you'll feel.  You don't have to worry about your shirt riding up in your yoga class and exposing your fluffy belly. You can focus on the bliss of that deep back-bend!!

So.. to recap... Here's the recipe for living your best life:

1. acknowledge your vulnerability

2. practice self-acceptance

3. have the courage to  bring your deepest, darkest parts of yourself to the surface

Then - Stand naked in the middle of your life secure in the knowledge that the Grace of God is bathing you in love and light.  This is the liberation we all seek.  (in my humble opinion)

Hari Om!

Love is the product

Love is the product

It isn't something to buy

It can't be forced

It can't be demanded

Love is the product 

Love is the result

of doing the hard work

What's the hard work? 

digesting our experiences

Both good and bad

Each experience of our life is the work

We integrate what we need to grow and 

release what does not serve

 and

Love...is the product

We can't skip over the work and pretend

it's love. 

We aren't flawed if we feel anger,

fear, shame, guilt.... these are valuable emotions

that we can't run away from

Digest these too

learn the lesson being offered by each emotion

and then release them

Love is the product

It's the result

Love is what comes when we learn to digest ALL 

human experiences, the light and the darkness

Love is the product

it's not all cotton candy, fairies and unicorns

Love is result of facing fear head on 

Love is the result of fighting the righteous fight

Facing the darkness is sometimes required

Meditation/yoga/prayer/self-inquiry 

these are the practices by which our experiences are digested

Love is the product 

Don't despair if you aren't feeling Love....

Focus on doing the work and remember

Love is the product

Finding my way home

I've been trying and trying to post for weeks.  Something always prevented me.  Interestingly, I have a recurring dream in which I'm trying and trying to get home but something is always preventing me.

In the dream it's weird stuff like the sidewalk moves, the solid ground beneath my feet turns to quicksand. Doors won't open.  In real life, the things that have been preventing me have been equally weird, 

One of those weird things is having difficulty finding words to adequately express what I want to express.  In my dream I keep trying to get back home, no matter what the obstacle, no matter how exhausted I am.  I'm going to take that as a lesson that even though I'm having difficulty finding words I will  keep trying.  So.... Here goes.

You see my life has been turned upside down over the past year.  The difficulties, obstacles,  challenges, whatever you want to call them, are  being thrown at me faster and with more force than ever before.  There isn't even time to catch my breath before the next one comes.  That's not the strange part, that's just life sometimes. 

The strange part is that with each chaotic, traumatic event, I have noticed a small part of me that isn't freaking out.  This small part of me is witnessing the events of my life in a state of awe.  The witness can look at each trauma and see the beauty in the destruction.  The witness isn't wearing the glasses of past experience nor the glasses of emotions.  From the view point of the witness, vision is crystal clear.  

Each challenge is an opportunity to change and grow.  Every destructive experience offers an opportunity to rebuild something stronger and more durable.  Each storm offers a clearing away of things that have served their purpose which allows the space needed for new growth.  

I'm not suggesting that trauma and destruction do not come with a significant amount of pain.  I'd be lying if I told you that my heart hasn't felt the searing pain of trauma.  I'd be lying if I told you that my ego hasn't been gripped by fear at the destruction.  What I'm telling you is that there is a small part of me that is in a state of calm awareness.  A part of me that is beyond my heart and beyond my ego. This part of me is in awe.  In awe of the beauty  that lies beyond the trauma and destruction.  In awe of the beauty that is infinite possibilities.  

At this point in my evolutionary process I have only gotten glimpses of this small part of me that is the witness.  The glimpses are enough to reassure me of the existence of the witness.  The glimpses are enough to reassure me that the experiences of my life, no matter how painful, serve some higher purpose than what the heart and ego can understand.   The glimpses are enough to encourage me to keep trying and trying to get back home.  Back home to my true nature.  Which I have come to understand is that small, calm place within my Self where I can witness the events of my life from a state of awe.  

I trust in the Divine Will.  Regardless of how weird the circumstance of my life are and how difficult it is to catch my breath sometimes, I will keep trying to get back home. 

Om Namaha Shivaya!