Moon magic

About 10 years ago my teacher asked me if I would represent our yoga studio at a women’s
conference.  My first thought upon hearing this request was “what do I know about being a woman?”.
That was a huge wake up call for me.  I had completely lost my connection to myself. At that time in
my life I was struggling in a very dysfunctional/abusive marriage.   I was working full time, teaching
yoga, trying to raise a family and run a household. The only way I could survive was to shut myself
off from my emotions. I fulfilled all my responsibilities. I worked very hard at maintaining the illusion
that I was strong and capable but on the inside, I was broken into a million little pieces.  I didn’t even
recognize myself.

I’m grateful for the strong solar energy in my nature that gave me the strength I needed to take care
of my family but something was missing.   

As I furthered my study of yoga and Ayurveda I learned the axiom, Like increases like and opposites
cure.  A Vedic astrologer once told me that the sun is the strongest planet in my chart.

In an effort to find balance I asked my Ayurveda teacher, Ed Zadlo, for guidance.  He suggested that
I start chanting the moon mantra:

Om Som Somaya Namaha.

During Ayurveda class I was reminded of the moon salutation that I learned years earlier as a way to
pacify the fiery nature of Pitta.  I decided to do some research. I wanted to learn all I could about the
moon salutation. I was disappointed that I could not find ANY information about the moon salutation
that I had learned from a teacher named, Betheyla Anuradha.

After 20 years of studying yoga I had come to know that direct experience was the best teacher.

So, I embarked on an adventure.  Beginning on a new moon, each night I would flow through
11 rounds of Betheyla’s moon salutation and then chanted 108x the moon mantra.  This “new moon
sadhana” (spiritual practice) continued every night until the following new moon.

Each evening as I flowed through the sequence repeating the mantra mentally with each breath the
moon began to reveal her lessons.  Each evening as I flowed through the sequence with the mantra
repeating itself in my mind I began to find my way back to myself.

At the end of the month long sadhana I decided to lead a new moon sadhana workshop and share
what I learned with others.  Watching the students as they moved through the sequence was so
powerful. I cannot find the words to adequately describe what I witnessed.  The sequence was new
to the students so the first few rounds the students were very much in their head. Their movements
were a little awkward.  BUT…..that moment, when they got out of their head and they began to flow
smoothly through each movement with the flow of their breath was magical!

The feedback from the students after that first class was overwhelming.  Everyone was as moved by
the practice as I was. I knew that I had to offer the new moon sadhana as often as I could.  Many of
the students in that first class have gone on to teach the new moon sadhana in their own yoga
communities.   I feel so blessed to have learned it directly from Betheyla. She was an amazing,
inspiring teacher and it makes me so happy to know that she is still inspiring students through her
beautiful moon salutation.  

Over the past 7 years or so, I have been following the phases of the moon and I continue to celebrate
each new moon with the new moon sadhana.  Some months I practice on my own. Other times I
share the experience with others. Each new moon I write down my intentions for what it is that I
want to grow in my life. I flow through the moon salutation and chant the moon mantra.  

I am eternally grateful to Betheyla for sharing this powerful sequence with me.  It has become a
lifelong sadhana. The teachings that have been revealed to me through the new moon sadhana
have helped me reclaim my feminine nature.  

Each time I lead a new moon sadhana I am in awe of the power of this simple practice.  
Dr. David Frawley says in one of his books that the Sun represents our Striving towards God and the
moon represents God’s  blessings (soma) flowing towards us. The moon salutation gives us an
opportunity to open ourselves up to receive.

So many women have a hard time receiving.  They are more comfortable giving and doing.
The moon salutation reminds us to open ourselves up to receive the blessings from God and in
learning to open we become more receptive to receiving support we all so desperately need.

Forfeiting the race

Why is there always a sense of urgency about things?  Why does it seem like time is running out? Always hurrying from one thing to the next.  Time spent on anything but busyness is wasteful.  "I wish I had more time!"  people are always saying.  I read a quote somewhere that said something like "Einstein and Michaelangelo had the same 24 hours you do."   Some nights I hit my pillow so completely exhausted yet having accomplished nothing in particular.

The sense of urgency and needing to keep up causes so much unnecessary suffering.   Life is moving so fast... Is it?  Is time moving faster than it used to?  Doesn't 24 hours still last  24 hours like they did 100 years ago?  Time isn't what's moving so fast, we are.   The question is, why? 

A yoga teacher once said that whatever neurosis you have off the mat you bring to the mat with you. The same sense of urgency and busyness and needing to accomplish and keep up with others is just as prevalent in yoga-land as it is in the rest of society.  The question is still, why? 

In society we strive to accumulate promotions, possessions,  money, bigger house, better car.  Our children are pushed to excel at everything. They must make honor roll, play 5 sports and master musical instruments.  We strive to make them "well rounded" by filling their days with structured activity.  In yoga-land, it's the race to "awaken".  We strive to accumulate training certificates, have the biggest "following",  master the most advanced postures, teach the most yoga classes, run retreats and workshops and on and on and on.  We want to be well rounded so we fill our time with everything yoga.  We must become master teachers even if it kills us! 

When I first started teaching yoga I was teaching upwards of 10 classes a week.  In addition I was enrolled in a 500 hr advanced yoga teacher training program.  I was also in a dysfunctional marriage, working full time and trying to raise 3 children.  Since that time I completed 2 advanced yoga teacher training programs and a 500 hr Ayurveda lifestyle consultant course.  People would always say to me "I don't know how you do it."  "I'm so impressed that you can manage to do so much".   From the outside I had it all together.... On the inside I was falling apart. I was running all the time... No one ever asked me what it was that I was running away from.  What was the hole that I was trying to fill? 

The last 2 years have been completely different.  I'm teaching much less, I'm not taking any training programs, my marriage ended and my children often times fend for themselves.  From the outside it looks like things are falling apart.... On the inside, things are coming together.  

At the end of my Ayurveda training I asked my teacher "What's next? There's still so much more to learn."  His reply?  "Time to stop asking what's next."  I took his advice.  I stopped running, stopped trying to fill the hole with more training and started living the teachings.   I took time to digest and assimilate all the beautiful, profound wisdom that has been shared with me by my teachers.  I move more slowly and deliberately through life.  Choosing how I spend my time and energy more carefully has made all the difference. 

I'm learning that life is not a race to the finish line.  It's a journey of discovery.  I never took the time to enjoy life when I was so busy trying to keep up with everyone else.  There are still moments when I feel a pang of jealousy when I hear about the training programs other teachers are taking or when someone has the means to quit their job or take a trip to India or whatever.  I'm not saying that it's not good to have goals and ambition in life.  I'm saying that I'm now questioning my motivation for what I do and considering the benefit verse the sacrifice. 

Years ago my oldest got in trouble.  I grounded her and sent her to her room without her phone. Several hours later she came downstairs to show me the beautiful tote bag she had sewn.   Seems to me that when we can practice being still and holding space we open ourselves up to inspiration and creativity.  

Dear fear....

Dear Fear,

I'm breaking up with you.  Even though you and I have a LONG history together I can no longer be with you.  I love my kidneys now....

I was about 7 months pregnant with my daughter, Tayler, the first time I had a kidney stone.  That was 20 years ago.  Over the past 20 years I've had several other "episodes" with kidney stones.  This last episode landed me in surgery to remove a stone that was stuck in my bladder.  After the surgery I vowed to eat right and drink enough to avoid another kidney stone.  It was a truly awful experience that I want to put behind me and forget about.

Today I was listening to an astrology report and the astrologer was talking about how our emotions effect our organs.  Fear is related to the kidneys according to the astrologer.   I had heard this before but didn't give it much thought.  I did research kidney stones from an Ayurvedic perspective.  I read about what foods are likely to cause kidney stones but it wasn't until today that I decided to research how emotions effect the kidneys.

A quick google search and I found this "Kidney problems are particularly concerned with issues related to fear with a focus on relationships, such as unexpressed grief or emotional insecurity."
Wow...  The kidneys' job is "discriminate between what is harmful and what is beneficial".
Kidney stones "are like unshed tears that have become solidified."

I'm doing my best to take care of my kidneys with diet and drinking lots of water.  Now it's time to take care of my kidneys by releasing fear.  As most of you know by now, at the end of last summer my marriage came to an end.  Just shy of our 25 wedding anniversary.  This past year has been a year filled with fear, sadness, emotional insecurity and grief.  Although, truth be told, these are emotions that I can trace back to my childhood and I would venture to say maybe even back to previous lifetimes.

Through my practice of yoga and meditation and by the Grace of God, I have had moments of clarity. In these brief moments I can see beyond the momentary situation or experience to what my underlying emotions were.  The google search was right.  At the root of all my relationships with people I loved was fear.  Fear of not being good enough,  Fear that the person I loved would abandon me, fear that if I expressed myself that my loved one would get angry and wouldn't love me anymore.
Unexpressed grief and emotional insecurity are not good foundations upon which to build long lasting relationships.  Dear fear,  I recognize that you are a valuable tool to remind me to proceed with caution but I will no longer stay stuck in fear.   My kidney troubles have taught me a valuable lesson.  The job of a kidney is to discriminate between what is harmful and what is beneficial.  Fear will be my signal to engage my power of discernment.  In each situation and relationship I will assimilate what is beneficial and I will release what is harmful.

Dear Kidneys, thanks for the wake up call.  I am ready to step forward in faith.

The tree said...Let Go!

When summer comes to an end, do the trees struggle to release their leaves?  

When night comes, does the sun struggle against the darkness? 

Do the flowers, at the end of their time, struggle to hold on to their petals? 

At the end of the winter, does the ice resist melting into the soil? 

Does a seed hold tight and fight against the cracking open? 

The answers can be heard in the whispers of the wind through the tress. 

The tress do not struggle against the changing of the seasons.  At the end, the leaves 

are gracefully, effortless released from the tress.  The wise old tree knows that in order

for the new leaves to grow it must first release the old. 

 The moon doesn't fight the ever changing phases. The wise old moon knows that in order 

for it to be full again, it must first surrender to the darkness. 

The sun doesn't struggle against the darkness.  The wise old sun knows that in order to fully

appreciate the light we must first experience the darkness. 

Does the seed know that the trauma of cracking open is necessary in order to bloom into 

something beautiful?  Who can know for sure... Yet, still it surrenders it's form willingly. 

And in the surrender, beauty is born.

Does the little caterpillar know that in order to fly it must first die?  Who can know for sure...

Yet, still it surrenders it's form willingly.  And in the surrender it discovers it's wings to fly.

Do you know what beauty you were meant to bloom forth?  Who can know for sure.... 

Are you listening to the whispers in the wind?  Can you hear the message from the wise old tree.

It is in the darkness and surrender that beauty grows.  We must release what has come to it's 

natural end so that we can move gracefully into the next season of our life with the same gracefulness

as the leaves in the fall. 

Food for the soul

I have so few childhood memories but the few I do have usually involve food. I remember one day coming out of kindergarten to find my father and my uncle Bob waiting for me. They walked me home from school. My Uncle Bob and Aunt Jenny had come for dinner. My mom was in the kitchen cooking. I can still smell the food. I climbed on a chair to help my mom bread the chicken cutlets.

This time of the year always reminds me of the ritual of making tomatoes sauce and roasting peppers and making pickled eggplants. These are my favorite childhood memories. My mom and my zia always cooking.

This past week-end I had the great privilege of co-facilitating a women's yoga retreat with a teacher who I love and respect. She introduced me to the Wise Earth Ayurveda sadhanas. These are beautiful spiritual practices that involve food and breath and sound. The blending of food and yoga has been a magical experience for me.

During our retreat, Padmashree introduced us to a mandala making sadhana. We used various grains and beans to create a mandala. Each of us added to the design, a few beans or grains at a time. While we chanted the vow of Ahimsa (non-harming) a beautiful image began to unfold. I was transported back to my childhood. The kitchen full of woman adding one ingredient at a time.

At the end of the sadhana we had collectively created a beautiful work of art. As we stepped back to admire the beautiful image it didn't matter who placed which beans where. It was through the effort of the collective working together that a beautiful work of art was created.

The practice had awakened in me that memory of my mom and my zia and even us kids cooking together and sharing a meal. All of us collectively, washing and cutting tomatoes. All of us collectively peeling peppers. All of us collectively preparing the food that would nourish us. When we sat down together at the table it didn't matter who added which ingredient or who made which part of the meal. The collective effort of the woman working together to create the beautiful meal nourished not only our physical bodies but also our souls.

I have so few childhood memories but the ones that I do hold on to usually involve food.  Food and a circle of women. The food always tasted so much better when it was prepared together and eaten together. It was infused with a little extra bit of love.

It is through the power of the collective working together, for the greater good, and without ego that beauty is created.

                                I take the vow of ahimsa
                     I make inner harmony my first priority

                               I take the vow of ahimsa
                        in my thoughts, speach and action

"It ain't all about you, hon" ~JB

I've been spending a lot of time watching myself think while pretending to meditate. The re-run that's been playing is a pity party for me. However this morning I noticed an interesting pattern. The thoughts were something like this……

“I’m such a fool to have trusted so and so…” “I’m so stupid for not paying closer attention to what was going on.” “How could I have been so stupid not to see” On and on the story went. Recounting every thing that every person I ever knew did to hurt me. “I feel bad for confronting so and so about the lies” “I feel bad that I stood up for myself because it made so and so upset.”

Do you see it? Do you see the pattern? “I”, “I”, “I”….. It’s all about me. Talk about ego! The veil has lifted… I make everything about ME. I feel responsible for other people’s behavior…. Seriously??!! As if I don’t have enough trouble keeping track of my own behavior.

Why does trusting someone make ME feel like a fool when that person lies? Why do I
feel bad about what someone else did? Why do I make it about ME?

Enough!! I cannot worry about the consequences of someone else’s choices.

The pattern has been discovered. It’s time to re-direct the energy and focus to something more constructive. Clearly, a seated meditation alone doesn’t seem to be enough right now. It’s time for intense sadhana (spiritual practice).

The thought pattern has been harsh, critical, and judgmental. Keeping in mind the axiom, like increases like and opposite cures, means that what’s required is some gentleness, contentment, peace of mind, and surrender.

Here’s the plan in case you’d like to join me: 30 day Moon sadhana begins tonight. 11 rounds of Chandra Namaskar, chanting 108X the mantra: Om Som Somaya Namaha, and hopefully meditation will happen (for real).

The intention: Letting go of resentment, anger and feeling responsibility for other
people’s actions. Remembering; that we are only responsibility for our own integrity.

What’s the saying? “Let go and let God” Let God deal with the karma of others and focus on not creating negative karma for ourselves.

Learning and Teaching...

I'm about 3 weeks and 27 questions of my final exam away from graduation. I'm both excited and sad. It's exciting that I'll be able to officially call myself an "Ayurveda Lifestyle Counselor" It feels good to have completed this course. It was a lot of work and required a lot of dedication. I admit that I am proud of myself for following through and completing it. I'm also sad. I'm sad that I won't be in class with my teacher and classmates anymore.

I asked my teacher what the next step in my studies is. He replied "time to stop looking for the next step." I am a perpetual student but I do believe he's right. It's time to stop looking for something outside of myself to validate me.

Twice in the past week I've encountered people who told me that for years and years they read every self-help book they could get their hands on. They participated in every self-improvement workshop and class they came across. They've spent a small fortune on therapy. For years and years they searched for ways to heal their internal wounds. I am no different.

When I first discovered yoga, my search for "self-improvement" was narrowed to Yoga related books and workshops and classes. But I was still searching for someone or something that would solve all my troubles. My search started out by reading books, then looking for yoga classes, then it was looking for a teacher, then looking for workshops and teacher training courses, then retreats, then a guru, then questioning everything I learned up to that point. Still I found myself searching.

Along the way I learned some profound and life changing things. Along the way I met some incredible people. Some of whom have become life long friends. But I've also found a lot of crap. I've come across a lot of people looking to make a buck from the taking advantage of vulnerable people.

After a long talk with a student recently I realized that through my own journey of self-exploration I had learned a thing or two that might just be useful to share. They may sound cheesy but I can say from my own personal experience that they are true.

** Everything you seek is already within you. There is no secret ingredient in the secret noodle soup recipe.

** No one can do the work for you. You need to do the work. Reading the book isn't enough. Even if someone else is an expert and teaches you the technique you need to DO it for yourself.

** There are shysters out there so the old saying "Buyer beware" applies even in yoga-land.

** Even Ayurveda recognizes that sometimes western medicine is needed. My teacher says "If I cut off my finger all the herbs in the world aren't going to reattach my finger"

** The Taittiriya Upanishad says: "practice right conduct, learning and teaching; be truthful always, learning and teaching; Master your passions, learning and teaching; control the senses, learning and teaching; Strive for peace always, learning and teaching; rouse Kundalini, learning and teaching; Serve humanity, learning and teaching."
"Learning and teaching are necessary for spiritual progress."

Ultimately, the searching and learning is an important part of the process but even more vital to our journey is the part when we use what we've learned in our day to day life. Once we have direct knowledge of what we've learned from our own personal experience we then teach.

"Learning and teaching are necessary for spiritual progress." But don't fool yourself; you can't skip over the part about applying what you've learned BEFORE you teach. Even if no one else knows you've skipped that part, God knows.

The sun will come out tomorrow...

It's been challenging to find the time to post regularly. In addition to the regular craziness of my life I'm currently in the middle of a year long Ayurveda Lifestyle consoler program. I'm loving every minute of the course and wish that I had more time to devote to it. I honestly feel like the information is life changing. Hopefully once I earn my certificate I'll be sharing more about Ayurveda but for now I have something else I'd like to talk about.

There's 2 things rattling around in my brain that are most pressing. Let's see if I can combine them into something that makes sense.....

Last week-end I had the privilege of offering a workshop on the moon salutation. Afterwards, I felt like I wasn't clear enough about the idea of setting intentions. What I want to say is that setting an intention isn't simply setting it and forgetting about it. When we make the commitment to do a 30 or 40 day sadhana we are committing to actively working on the intention we set for ourselves.

Let's say that our intention is to not get stuck in our emotions. The intention is set, planting the seeds for what we want to grow, then each day when we do our sadhana (spiritual practice) we reaffirm the intention. As we go about the business of our lives we water the seeds of our intention by being conscious and noticing when a strong emotion comes up. With the intention fresh in our mind from our morning practice we can chose to either let ourselves get stuck in our emotions or we can chose to recognize how fleeting they are and let them go.

Each time we make the conscious choice to reaffirm our intention by our actions we are feeding the seeds and our intention gets stronger. The stronger our little seedlings get, the more beautifully they will flower. Like our gardens, the seeds we plant with our intentions need to be tended to in order for them to bear fruit.

The example I used of not getting stuck in our emotions is the second thing I wanted to talk about. A classmate of my daughter's killed himself last week. It breaks my heart to think that this young boy felt such despair that killing himself was the only solution he could think of. How sad that he couldn't see past his current state of emotions to the fact that he had his whole life filled with endless possibilities ahead of him.

No matter how desperate our situation seems in any given moment we must remember that it's temporary. I'm remembering the story of the little hungry caterpillar. "Just when the little caterpillar thought his life was over he turned into a beautiful butterfly."

This tragic event reaffirms for me my intention of fostering community. No one should ever feel so alone and desperate that suicide seems like the only option. Asking for support is not a sign of weakness... in fact it takes great strength and courage. It's also important that we pay attention and be present in our interactions with others. Maybe the text message asking if you want to go grab a beer is actually someone reaching out for support. Don't be too busy to offer some support, even if it's only a quick phone call.

So when you are planting your seeds of intention be sure to plant seeds which will bear fruit that can be used to feed and nourish others as well as yourself.

Om Shanti Om!

Red Shoes

Om Shum Shukraya Namaha

My teacher once said that when someone reads your astrology chart it's like you're standing in front of them naked.  Since this post will be brief I guess you could consider this just getting flashed!

Anyway.... One of the remedial measures I was given at the time of my vedic astrology reading was to strengthen Venus.  So I was instructed to offer a white flower to a female teacher on Fridays.  Chant mantras to Shukra (Venus).  Beautify my environment by surrounding myself with beautiful things.  I was also instructed to take care of myself.  To do things that help me feel good about myself.

Finally! I thought, I have fun things to do instead of  the usual depressing kapha instructions like giving up all the foods I love, skipping the Sunday afternoon naps and not including savasana after asana practice.

It wasn't until I started doing those things that I realized how out of touch I was.  I am a very practical, straight forward kind of person.  I was more concerned about practicality than beauty.   I'd much rather spend the hour on the meditation cushion than in front of the mirror primping. I didn't see the value of surrounding myself with things that will only end up broken or lost. Or even worse....collecting dust.

It isn't as easy as it sounds, believe it or not.  I've discovered that for some people beautifying their environment and them selves comes very easily.  Take my mother for instance, even the simple act
Of making pizza becomes a work of art with each ingredient placed perfectly to insure it looks beautiful.   She can make any room look beautiful  in minutes even with just the stuff already there. If she sees something she finds beautiful she has to have it.  I'm content admiring it and leaving it at the store.

I've been working at this for nearly a year.  Offering a white flower to a female teacher every Friday and chanting the mantra for Venus has become second nature.  Beautifying my environment by creating my beautiful new yoga space was exciting and I do really enjoy spending time there.

I've spent the last six weeks creating new healthier habits that are helping me feel good about myself.   And Today I did something completely out of character for me.  I bought something so impractical.... Drum roll please......

Red shoes!

What I've discovered about myself during this practice of strengthening Venus is that I'm not comfortable with attention.  I prefer to stay in the back-ground.  Now the question is why?  Why is it that some people LOVE attention and demand attention while others, like me, avoid it at all cost?  

Here comes the flash.....Pay a little attention to the wall flowers  in your life and you'll be amazed at beautifully they bloom!!

Om Shum Shukraya Namaha



It's the dance.....

Ayurvedically speaking, my physical and mental make up is primarily kapha .  (This isn't going to be a lesson on Ayurveda...for that I invite you to visit my teacher's web-site:  www.EdZadlo.com).  My kapha nature makes me very loyal, sometimes to a fault.  It's what's responsible for my "motherly" ways of always wanting to take care of people, sometimes even when they don't want to be taken care of.   Kapha gives me strength, both physically and mentally.  The fact that my constitution is kapha means that I can take a lot of abuse... I'm strong... I can take it.   But sometimes, even kapha falls apart.  

As Ayurveda teachers we are taught to treat vata types like delicate flowers
                                                                    pitta types like a friend
                                                                    kapha types like an enemy

But sometimes, even kapha needs to be treated like a delicate flower and like a friend.  Pay attention to the people in your life who seem to be the strongest because they too need support. 

It seems the more I practice yoga/medication the more sensitive I become to the harshness that surrounds me.  The harsh manner in which people talk to each other.  Sometimes on purpose and other times just from being distracted or thoughtless.   The last few weeks the energy I've been feeling has been very intense.  I feel it in my own consciousness and I've experienced it from other people.  It's harder to deal with when the harshness comes from those people closest to us.  Even the weather this last week has been harsh.  It's been bitter cold and snowy.

This morning I got to the studio early.  While I waited for students to arrive I turned on the heat.  I put on some soft, gentle music, I lit some candles, pausing for a moment to notice the soft glow of the flame.  I bow to Ganesha....who surely knows the struggles of kapha.

I rolled out a mat, connect to the soft, gentle flow of my breath.  With my attention turned inward and my eyes closed, I began to move.  With each exhalation I felt the harshness of the outside world melt away.  With each inhalation I felt the softness of my breath supporting and nurturing me.  It's the beautiful, rhythmic dance between the body and the breath that heals and supports. 

It's not the teachers, it's not the studio, it's not the fancy yoga pants.  It's the dance.  The dance between the body and the breath that heals and supports.  Even kapha types need soft, gentle, loving support sometimes.   The beauty of being a kapha type is that we are natural caregivers.  We sometimes forget to take care ourselves with as much kindness and love that we take care of others.

As teachers of Ayurveda we must remember that underneath the label of kapha is still a person who needs loving support and not just the harsh treatment of an enemy.   Even the strongest kapha has her breaking point.

Jai Ganesha

 (google image)

Patterns

I saw a sign on the way to work the other day that read "May your troubles last only as long as your New Year's resolutions" Seeing this sign was even more hilarious considering what was going on in my mind that morning.


I've become very aware of my mental patterns. I am totally a creature of habit,  once I start something new and do it 3 or 4 times suddenly a new habit is created. This can be a good thing if the new habit is positive. Unfortunately, not all my mental patterns or habits are positive. "It takes 40 days to create a new habit"  is what I've been told. What I want to know is:

How many days does it take to un-do a negative habit???

This past week or so I've witnessed both my negative and positive mental patterns at work. Again I'm wondering why anyone watches realty tv when there's so much interesting stuff going on in our minds to watch.

Here's a glimpse into the "reality" show that was playing in my mind:

I've set the intention that this is the year that I take control of my life (don't laugh! I'm serious). Yes, I know that I am not the general contractor of the universe BUT my Ayurveda studies have taught me that I do have some control over my physical and mental well-being. That's what I intent to get under control. I am learning the tools that will keep me in an optimal state of health both mentally and physically.

New habits are being formed. I am feeling good about my choices and I'm grateful for my addictive nature since it has helped me become addicted to the new, positive changes. I'm grateful that I have just the right amount of pitta nature that motivates me to get things done and accomplish the goals I set out to accomplish.

Changing physical patterns seems a lot easier than changing mental patterns!!

The mental patterns seems more ingrained. The roots are deeper and stronger. This is where the real work needs to happen. Ayurveda teaches that the mind creates the body. In order to change the body, not just the physical body but also our physical experiences, we need to change the mind.

HOLY HELL!! Being a creature of habit is NOT a good thing when it comes to changing the mind. One mental pattern in particular is troubling me this morning.  I have witnessed it come up over and over the last couple of weeks.  I really thought that I had changed this mental pattern but clearly I haven't. 

I recognize that this mental pattern has been holding me back for years but it's roots are so deep.  I suspect that the roots were planted many lifetimes ago.  It may be impossible to trace back the cause but it's clear that it needs to change.  It's the HOW that's troubling me.

What I do know is that if the roots of a plant are not feed and taken care of the plant won't grow.  Perhaps the same principles apply here.  If I don't feed the mental pattern maybe the root will eventual die.

Change your mind......Change your life

Happy New Year!!

Well....here we are... at the start of a new year.  Most people view this time of the year as a time to reflect on the last year and set new intentions or resolutions for the year ahead.  This is the time we resolve to get fit and lose weight. This is the time to get organized.  This is the time to start living the life we always wanted.  Perhaps while we're reflecting on the last year we may want to reflect on why we are resolving to make the same changes year after year.   What is it that keeps us stuck in our same old patterns and habits? 

This year, instead of making the same old resolutions that fade before Santa has made it back to the North Pole, contemplate these two questions.  What is it that you value? and What is it that brings you joy? 

What do you value?

What brings you joy?

When these questions were asked of me I was taken aback.  I was actually speechless.  No one had ever asked me these questions and honestly, I don't know that I've ever given either of them much serious thought.  (shocking... right?) 

 After much contemplation and reflection I have identified some of my core values to be:

* Honesty

* Integrity

* Strong work ethic

* Self-less service

* Loyalty

* Devotion to family, friends and of course, God

Identifying and articulating your core values provides you with a guide to make sure that your actions and behavior are in line with those core values.  

What brings me joy?  Let's start by defining the word joy.  The webster's dictionary says:

1a : the emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires : delight b : the expression or exhibition of such emotion : gaiety


2: a state of happiness or felicity : bliss

3: a source or cause of delight 

Think.... Pure delight. 

Just yesterday I was telling my friend, Jon how much I miss having my head filled with cotton candy in yoga-land.  I've been missing that feeling of pure joy and delight.  My head and heart have been rather heavy lately.  I forget sometimes but now I remember what brings me joy:

* Spending time with my family

* The sound of my children laughing

* Roller Skating with my friend Rose

* The feel of my yoga mat first thing in the morning

* Watching the sun rise and set

* Gazing at the moon

* The total silence after everyone has gone to sleep

* Teaching yoga

* Studying yoga/Ayurveda

* Losing myself in a wonderful book

I could go on and on but I'll end now so that I can experience the joy of crawling under the warm covers of my bed!!  This year resolve to remember what you value most in life and even more importantly remember what brings you joy. 

I have a feeling that if we experienced more pure joy in our lives we probably wouldn't need to resolve to lose weight every January. After all, it's the feeling of unhappiness and discontent that causes us to indulge in addictive behaviors like over-eating which leads to the perpetual New Year's resolutions. 

Om Shanti Om!  Om Shanti Om! Om Shanti Om! Om Shanti Om! Om Shanti Om! Om Shanti Om!

 



Putting down the baggage

This post may fall under the title of  T.M.I. (too much information) but I feel compelled to share it.  An astrologer friend once told me that I should say the things that I feel compelled to say but be prepared that some people won't like it.  I'll apologize now to the people who may be offended by this post. 
To those of you who are hyper sensitive - perhaps you would do best to stop reading now.

I was inspired to write on this topic of abandonment after reading a friend's facebook status.   In her status she asked the question how could a father simply walk away from their child after 38 years.   It's a good question.  My father also walked away from his family when I was about 9 years old.   Looking back now as an adult I can recognize that his alcoholism was the disease that took my father away but as a child you don't understand that.  As a child all you know is that one day your dad walks out the door and everything changes.   Perhaps it's a bit easier for me to accept it because my father was an alcoholic.   For others, it's not that simply.

I'm not an expert.  I'm someone who struggles with abandonment issues.  I speak solely from my own person experience.  I remember talking to my teacher once about my childhood and telling him that I wasn't really effected by my father's drinking because I was only 9yrs old when he left.  I actually believed that at the time.  It wasn't until I began a serious practice of self-inquiry that I realized that my father's leaving  has effected everything about my life.  This post is not about blaming our parents for all our problems.  Our parents carry with them their own childhood baggage into their role as parents.

In Ayurveda we learn that to correct a problem we need to remove the cause.  That's what this is all about......uncovering the cause and removing it.  The removing part is the key.

Back to the topic of abandonment.  I do believe that my father's absence in my life did create a void.  How could it not?  When there's a void there is the impulse to try to fill it.   What we fill it with is alcohol, drugs, food.  Sometimes we look for other people to fill that void.  We find ourselves clinging to unhealthy relationships with substances or people in the hope that it will fill the void.  Only these things are temporary.  Soon the empty feeling is back and the destructive cycle continues.

The feeling of being abandoned has become a recurring theme in my life.  This, I believe is the root cause of my issues with cupcakes and cosmopolitans.  People that I love and care about seems to disappear from my life.  Sometimes physically disappear....other times emotionally disappear.  Either way the pain is still the same.

When I read my friend's status on facebook I felt compelled to say to her...."Your father's walking out on you had nothing to do with you.  He is struggling with his own issues.  Some things just can't be figure out.  It doesn't really matter why.   Knowing why or how doesn't change the emotions that you're feeling.  It won't hurt less to know there's a reason. Acknowledge how you're feeling and then let it go."  

We cannot control other people's behavior.  All we can do is not allow their behavior to define who we are.   Ultimately, the practice of yoga brings us back to our true nature.  In the stillness of meditation we connect back to the source where we are whole.   It's time for all of us to let go of the past and move forward on our journey to spiritual evolution.  We don't need to carry our childhood baggage any longer.  We can let it go now.

Being human is messy.

Being human is messy. It's not all lollipops and gum drops. Sometimes we experience the natural human emotions of anger, sadness, frustration. Does that make us any less a yogi? Does being a yogi mean we need to be devoid of emotions? Or only devoid of any emotion other than love and bliss?


I'm knee deep in my Ayurveda studies. I've learned that suppressing your emotions effects your physical body. Suppressed anger damages the liver. We certainly don't want to damage our liver yet expressing anger in yoga-land is not acceptable (at least that has been my perception)

My friend Jon posted a quote on our message board that read "Let go or be dragged".

The initial thought upon reading this quote was that I need to have it tattooed on my arm. Let's explore how we can apply this simple idea to the messy business of being human.

Some people avoid feelings at all cost. When emotions become uncomfortable some run away. Some use drugs or alcohol or even food to try to numb their feelings. Others wallow in their emotions, spending hours and hours telling everyone within ear shot how they are feeling. They let their emotions define who they are. For those of us aspiring yogis recognize that neither extreme is useful. Yogis know the middle ground is the best option. Or do we?

The reality is that yogis are humans trying to heal from their messy past. Healing - is the operative word...Not avoiding or hiding. In order to heal we need to learn how to feel our feelings without running from them and not getting stuck in them. Did you hear that? Feel what you feel, acknowledge the feeling and THEN let it go. Suppressing emotions and pretending that we aren't feeling them in an effort to be a good yogi is not healthy. That doesn't make you a better yogi than the person stuck in their emotions.

Remember the yoga sutras talk about the cravings of pleasure and aversion to pain are BOTH obstacles on the path of yoga.

The bottom line is that being a yogi doesn't mean we're not human and being human is sometimes messy. Feel what you feel....then let go or be dragged. You can't skip the step of feeling what you're feeling. If you do, you run the risk of damaging your liver and missing a great opportunity to really heal.

Om Namah Shivaya! Om Namah Shivaya! Om Namah Shivaya!

 Om Shanti Shanti Shanti!



Let the Shakti flow......

For weeks now I've been trying to share my thoughts but somehow I haven't been able find the words.  I know once I begin the rest will flow. But somehow the beginning is escaping me.  I tell myself maybe that means that it's not the right time to share this.  Yet, the theme keeps coming back to me. 

Forgive me if my thoughts seem random.  I'm confidence that the essence of what I'd like to share will be clear to you.

On September 7th my daughter, Tayler turned 17 years old.  (this is when the idea first came to me)
When  I look into my beautiful daughter's face I still see the mischievous little girl.  I also see the young woman she is becoming and my heart overflows with love.   The qualities that I admire most are her fearlessness, her strength, courage, adventurousness.  She smiles easily and laughs often.  

My mother has 3 daughters.  Her twin sister also has 3 daughters.   The six of us along with our mothers were inseparable growing up.  I have always been surrounded by strong women. 

This week a childhood memory came back to me.  I was probably 10 years old sitting on my pink Huffy bike in our back driveway.   I was looking over my shoulder at our open garage.  My mom, her sister (my second mom) and other female relatives had gathered.  All were sitting around our little blue wading pool filled with tomatoes preparing to jar sauce.  I vividly remember the feeling that all was right with the world.  No harm could ever come to me.  I felt safe and secure with that circle of women.

This week I again found myself looking at a circle of  strong women.  The difference was that this time I knew that what I was experiencing was the Grace of the Divine Mother.  I have no doubt that it has been this Grace that has risen up to support me whenever I needed support.  It's the grace of the Divine Mother that gives me that same feeling I had at 10yrs. old.  All is right with the world.  I am safe and secure in the arms of the Divine Mother.  Sometimes that Grace expresses itself in the smile and kind words of the strong women I am blessed to still be surrounded by.

In yoga the essence of feminine power is referred to as Shakti.   It's the Shakti that moves a woman to offer a hug or words of support to someone she doesn't even know simply because she saw a need.   It's the Shakti energy that makes things happen.  The power of Shakti is what give a mother the power to do extraordinary things to protect her child.  It's the power of Shakti that can look into a person's eyes and see their soul.

I have spent much time trying to figure out how to teach my daughters about Shakti.  Then it dawned on me.  Shakti is their intrinsic nature.  It flows through them freely.  All I need to do is make sure that they feel safe and secure enough in their own true nature to allow it to continue to flow freely.

When a circle of women gather together the power of Shakti is awesome!  Stepping into our own Shakti power we hold the light by which our daughters can light the power of their own Shakti nature. 

Our only hope for the future is to nurture our daughters.  It will be their Shakti power that will change the world.

Am I the only one?

Am I the only one who feels like I was born at the wrong time?  Maybe its cellular memories that are the reason for the longing of another time.   Another time when communal living was the norm.  Another time when everyone took care of each other.  Another time when you took care of your neighbors the same as you would take care of your family. 

Am I the only one who feels the suffering of others as if it were my own?  What do you do when there isn't anything you can do to relieve their suffering?  If only I could do this...... or if only I could do that...... What if there isn't ANYTHING you can do?  I remember the story of the caterpillar struggling to get out of the cocoon.  If help is given, the butterfly will not gain the strength it needs to fly.   We see the struggle of others and wonder...do I intervene?  Will it help or will it prevent them from finding the strength within themselves to fly? 

Am I the only one who feels the need for community?  What if the person struggling needs a little support.  Perhaps helping the caterpillar would mean simply creating a safe space for it while it does the work of transformation on it's own.  By creating the safe space we are supporting it. Protecting it, making sure no one tramples on it or injuries it in the process. 

Am I the only one that feels sad  that our lives are moving so fast that we no longer make the time to be in community.  It's now a luxury that needs to be planned and scheduled.  Even when we do make the time it has to be worthwhile.  If we come together there will need to be something planned to fill the time. 

Am I the only one who longs for the time when people would come together to share a meal and the evening entertainment would be listening to someone tell a story.  Everyone has a story to tell.  How sad that most stories will never to be heard because we don't make the time and we don't create the space for the telling. 

Am I the only one who feels a great sense of responsibility to try to awaken the cellular memory of others to a time when community was family.  A time when the community was the safe space for transformation. 

A moment of reflection.

The past few weeks have given me much opportunity for reflection. On August 4th I completed my second 500 hour advanced yoga teacher training program. At the same time I embarked on the next leg of my journey of self-discovery, beginning a 500 hour Ayurveda training. It seems to me the more I learn the more questions I have. The more training I complete the more I realize how much I still have to learn.

The challenge for me is integration. After all, the only way to really learn anything is to do it. Applying the yoga lessons to daily living is key. I've learned a lot so the process of integrating it all will take some time.

Slowly I begin to see opportunities to use some of the tools I've been given. One of the things we talk a lot about in yoga is the ego. I have little tolerance for people with a big ego. (how egotistical of me, right?) It's one of the things that challenges me the most.

I recognize my own ego at play when I feel myself getting irritated. I use it as an opportunity to practice keeping my own ego in check. I don't engage in verbal battle. My ego wants to be right.  I so badly want to show people how egotistical they are being.

Like increases like...opposites cure.  How can I use my ego to show someone else how much damage their ego is causing?  The answer....I can't.

Over and over I'm told that when someone challenges me they become a mirror by which I can see things about myself that need to be dealt with. I never really understood this concept until now.  My teacher's advice.... "you have to be the example for others".  Suddenly it become clear to me. The same way the "mirror" shows us things that we don't like about ourselves it also reflects positive things.

One of the things I've been contemplating is how I react to challenges and the role my ego plays in the challenges. After reflecting on the fact that the more I focus on the challenges the more challenges I draw into my life I decide to to throw up the white flag. I SURRENDER.... Time to try the opposite.

I'm setting a clear intention for myself. I will turn within and find the peace that I seek within myself. I will do my best to be an example of that peace. My hope is that the more I focus on maintaining a state of inner peace, the more inner peace I will draw into my life.  The more peace I experience the easier it will be to keep my ego in check. 

Like increases like...opposites cure.

A friend reminded me yesterday that I cannot set someone else's intentions; only my own. I've set my intention.. Now it's your turn. How will you integrate yoga into your daily living??

Blessings from the Divine Mother

I've been hesitating writing a new post because I don't want to be a downer. The posts that have been writing themselves in my head have been anything but positive. One started like this: "I've spent the last 5 years working on opening my heart and throat chakra. Learning how to express my feelings was a complete waste of energy and has become a huge source of distress. Expressing my feelings only makes everyone I love mad at me." I have been feeling beat up by the universe.

Clearly, that's not the beginning of an inspirational blog post. Instead, I've been spending my time on the mat. It's the yoga practice where I find inspiration. Inspiration for writing and inspiration for living. I've been praying to the Divine Mother for support. In her infinite Grace she has blessed me with clarity of mind today.

Through her Grace I have been able to step back from my own emotions long enough to notice that everyone is feeling "beat up by the universe". The hot, humid weather is making everyone irritable and it's making it harder and harder for people to deal with the challenges they are facing.

When I first started learning Ayurveda I was not at all happy about my kapha constitution. Now, Divine Mother's blessing has shown me just how beneficial my kapha nature is. It's my kapha nature that gives me the strength to endure whatever life throws at me. It's what gives me my strong sense of loyalty and devotion so that even though someone I love is harsh towards me I can still love them. It's kapha that makes me strong enough to carry the heavy load for those who are too tired. ( I almost wrote.... BRING IT ON UNIVERSE, I CAN TAKE IT....but then I thought better... even kaphas have their breaking point)

It's through my consistent practice that I am able to stay grounded in the middle of a storm of someone else's emotions. I may be hit with the debris from their storm sometimes but today I'm feeling grateful. Grateful that I can see that it was not intentional but simply residual debris from their inner storm of emotions.

The Divine Mother's blessing has helped to see that it's only through consistent practice that I can get back to my true nature when I find myself lost in my own storm of emotions.

When we find ourselves at a loss, not knowing which way to turn, when  life's challenges seem overwhelming, we have to take the U-turn.  The U-turn back to the mat, back to our true nature.  It's there that we'll find the support and peace that we need.  It's there that the Divine Mother resides waiting with open arms and unconditional love. 

Through her love and support we find our strength so that we can be that love and support for others who haven't found their own strength yet.

What to do if you make a wrong turn

I've been wasting lots of time sitting in front of the tv lately. I know it's a waste of time but I can't help myself. I'm not sure what came first, the inertia or the depression.

I've been super busy the last 6 months so when this inertia began I told myself that it was because I was completely exhausted. That's how I justify it.

Is the inertia the reason for the depression or is the depression the reason for the inertia? Does it even matter which came first? There are so many reasons for which I feel the depression is justified but in reality there are just as many reasons to feel gratitude and joy. Why is it that I tend towards depression rather than joy?

Since my most favorite teacher seems to have abandoned the Tuesday evening class I usually take (just one of the many reasons I justify the depression) and I had already watched 4 episodes of The Big Bang Theory, I decided to do a little yoga research.

The subject of this little research project is myself. I want to use myself as a case study for my advanced teacher training. Maybe if I can better understand myself I can better understand others who have similar issues. I can't be the only person who gets stuck in the quicksand of inertia/depression.

Looking at ourselves from an objective viewpoint is quite a challenge. No one wants to acknowledge the fact that we create our own reality with our thoughts and deeds. It's so much easier to blame others for our misery. I do believe, however, that this objective self-examination is absolutely necessary if there's any hope of us changing the patterns of thought that torment us.

When we look at our behavior from our ego mind we can justify the negative patterns. But when we examine our behavior from our discerning mind without allowing emotions to color what we see we can then get a clearer picture. When we step back from the emotions and let go of our attachment to the justifications then we see what changes are required.

We've all had the experience of seeing a friend or loved one suffering with troubles of their own making. We can see their part in the drama and we can see the solution easily because we are not entangled in the emotions of the situation. It's from this perspective that I set out to "assess" my own pattern towards inertia and depression.

Filling out the assessment form for myself and then putting together recommendations based on the facts was helpful. It helped me to put aside my emotions and my justifications so that I can recognize the patterns which are the root cause of depression.

Once we recognize the pattern, we need to acknowledge the fact that the pattern is of our own making.... That's the good news. Since we created the pattern in the first place we can take the necessary action to change the pattern to a new, more positive pattern. Our life really is in our own hands or should I say thoughts? We create our reality with our intentions.

"You are what your deep, driving desire is. As your desire is, so is your will. As your will is, so is your deed. As your deed is, so is your destiny." ~ Upanishads

It is ultimately our choice to follow our thoughts down depression alley or to take the U-turn back to our true nature where we find pure joy.

What is your deep driving desire??

Observations from an open heart....

Yesterday was all about inspiration. Today.....observation, without judgements.....simply observations.


After each round of kapalabhati, rapid, diaphragmatic breathing, we generally retain the inhale but today we were emphasizing the exhale in an effort to pacify pitta so we were instructed to retain the exhale.

Observation #1: I am really comfortable with retaining the inhale. I can hold me breath until the cows come home but ask me to hold the exhale and panic sets in. Is it because I have more practice with retention of the in breath or is it my resistance to letting go?

Observation #2: The theme today was the heart chakra so we did a lot of back-bends. I love, love, love back-bends. I like the energizing effect. I like that they make me feel powerful and strong. When we counter posed with forward folds I was again, experiencing resistance to letting go.

Observation #3: Meditation is effortless after a great yoga practice. Soaking in the incredibly powerful vibrations in yoga-land and spending some time outside afterwards soaking in the powerful vibrations of the sun equals a happy yogini. I acknowledge that there is work to do.....learning to be more comfortable with the idea of letting go but feeling confident.

Remembering yesterday's inspiration...... The light has been shined into the darkness.... I see the resistance.
I have cultivated the strength and internal power needed to change the old patterns. I will use the inspiration to create new patterns. Starting with letting go of patterns that no longer serve my higher purpose.

Om Namah Shivaya!