Jai Durga Ma

Let me preface by reminding you that I am not a Vedic scholar.  I am a spiritual seeker sharing my own personal experiences and thoughts.   My intention for this post is to share my experience with the Goddess, Durga.

First, I want to tell you the story of how I came to know Durga.  During my yoga teacher training program one of the guest teachers, Bonnie Pariser, asked me a few questions about some lower back pain I was feeling.  "Do you know Durga?" she asked me.  When I told her I didn't she told me that Durga creates a protective shield around you and fights the righteous fight for you until you are strong enough to fight along side her. I had not yet made the connection between emotional and physical pain so I didn't understand what she was telling me.

It wasn't until a year or so later that I remembered what Bonnie had said.  I was reading my friend, Susan Bertolino's blog one day and I noticed a beautiful image on the side bar.  I asked her about it and she told me it was a Durga Yantra.  (A yantra is a mystical diagram used for worship of deities)
That's when I remembered the story from yoga teacher training.  I decided to google Durga. One of the first links to come up was for a temple not far from where I live.  As I was reading the temple web-site I got a call from my daughter.  Her boyfriend needed to visit a temple for his religion class and wanted to know if I would go with him.  Turns out that  the temple he was going to was the same Durga temple that I was reading about.

The synchronicity continued.....

Not long after my visit to the Durga temple with the boy who eventually became my son-in-law I met a Vedic Astrologer that was visiting from Oregon.  (I'll save the story of the synchronicity of how we met for another post.)  At the end of his first visit to our studio we were saying good-bye. He told me that he wanted to give me something that belonged to his mother.  It was a beautiful image of Durga. I've carried that image with me ever since.   This gift represents, for me,  the story of the Goddess that I resonate with the most.

The story goes that none of the Gods could defeat the evil demon that was terrorizing the three worlds so they all came together to find a solution. After meditating, they decided that they would each offer up their own "super power" into the fire.  It was out of their combined offering that the warrior, Durga  manifested.  She was easily able to defeat the demon and the three worlds were protected from evil.  This story illustrates the power of the collective.

What I learned from doing sadhana to Durga is this:

We have a moral obligation to protect those who are not strong enough to fight the righteous fight.   That doesn't mean encouraging co-dependency.  It means holding space for someone while they do the work necessary to find their own inner strength.  Doing the inner work is a lot easier when you know someone has your back while you are in the vulnerable state of working through  your stuff.   Hold the space for someone and ask for support when you need someone else to hold the space for you.  Remember  "all that evil needs to succeed is for good people to stand by and  do nothing."   Don't stand by and do nothing when you see someone in need of help or protection. 

Collaboration is more powerful than competition.  Can you offer your ego into the fire to benefit the whole?  We each have unique gifts to offer and when we come together in community and combine our efforts for the greater good we can move mountains.  Remember the old saying "It takes a village to raise a child."?  In collaboration anything and everything is possible.

Change the thinking of I and mine to we and ours.  There's no doubt that most mothers would fight a lion to protect their child.  Think of the power behind all mothers and fathers standing up to protect ALL the children?  It can no longer be about my children verses your children.  It needs to be about OUR children.  Even further, there needs to be a shift from protecting my home to protecting OUR home, Mother Earth.   It's time to actually start practicing what we're preaching and see the oneness in all of life and move towards the unity that will accomplish greatness.

Om Hreem Shreem Dum Durgayai Namaha 

If you want to go East just don't go West.

There is no greater friend in the world than our will

 and there is no greater enemy in the world than our will. 

For the past week or so I've been reading a book by Eknath Easwaran called Essence of the Upanishads, A key to Indian Spirituality.  Have I mentioned how much I love Easwaran's work?
The simplicity with which he delivers the ancient yoga teachings is what makes his work so powerful.

Often times, as I stand at a crossroad of my life I experience fear, self-doubt, confusion.  Life becomes overwhelming.  During those times, even the simplest tasks feel monumental.  The Upanishads have been my road map when I'm lost.

Our greatest weapon against stress is our ability

 to choose one thought over another.

One of the simple, yet profound quotes from Easwaran's book is "If you want to go East just don't go West."  It really is that simple.  My teacher, Shiva Das, used to tell me "Just do the next right thing in each moment."   It really is that simple.   We give attention to those things in our life that we want to grow.  I want more mental clarity and peace of mind.  How I achieve those states of being is to make them a priority.   Will drinking alcohol or eating Doritos bring me closer to my goal of mental clarity and peace of mind? or take me further away?  It's that simple. 

When our will is our friend, the choices are easy.  When our will is our enemy making healthy choices is a much more difficult task.  The key to achieving the life we want lies in the strength of our will.  That's the good news.   According to Easwaran, the will can be strengthened by exercising it.  

As I continue to practice making friends with my will I have found some useful tips. 

* Keep it simple

Remember, if you want to go East just don't go West.  Are my actions and thoughts taking me closer to my goal or further away? 

* Hold space

Allowing a bit of space between the experience/challenge and the response/reaction helps me make conscious choices instead of reacting from impulse.   When a building collapses we need to wait for the dust to clear before we can assess the damage and before we can rebuild we need to clear the debris.  The same holds true for any trauma.  First, let the dust settle, assess where the work needs to be done.  Clear the debris before you rebuild.  Constructing a new building over the ruins of the old one will not provide the stability needed to withstand the next storm. 

*Be honest with yourself 

Avoiding the truth will always come back and bite you in the ass.  Hiding, numbing, avoiding only prolongs your suffering. "You have to feel it to heal it".   Don't hang pretty wallpaper to cover up the crumbing wall.  Easwaran explains it like embroidering the seat belts in the car but not taking care of the engine. 

*That which you give your attention to grows stronger in your life

Nothing grows unless you give it your attention.  No matter how much I love this beautiful Gardenia plant if I put it in the corner and ignore it there's no doubt that it will die.   The more I give my attention to finding beauty the more beauty I see.  The more attention I give to seeing God's Grace the more I feel supported.  The more attention I give to those people and things that bring me joy the more joy I experience.  

*Take action

We can pretend to be a victim of our circumstances or we can take our power back.  I imagine it like a sailboat.  We can set out on our little sailboat and allow the winds to push and pull us here and there and we can sit back and play victim when we don't reach our destination  or we can lift the sails and adjust them as needed.  That way the winds of our life will be the energy we need to direct our little boat towards our destination.  There will always be storms. Whether we use them as fuel for our spiritual evolution or we allow them to get us stuck in the mud is up to us.  The choice is ours. 

It's really that simple. Ultimately, every time we engage our will and make the choice that takes us towards our goal, no matter how small the step is, we are strengthening our will.   When our will is our friend we will surely reach our goal. 

Om Namah Shivaya! 

It's no fun living in a "fun-house"

Do you remember going to the carnival when you were a kid?  Do you remember the fun-house? The floors would move under your feet, you would look into a mirror and your reflection would be all distorted.  Nothing was ever as it seemed.  I never understood why people would think those things were fun.  

Lately, I've had these recurring thoughts that go something like this "What the fuck happened? How did I get here?  What is going on?"  Nothing is ever what it seems.  The ground beneath me keeps shifting and moving.  Everything seems distorted.  I can't figure out which end is up.  I desperately search for the exit out of this "fun-house" but behind every corner there is another challenge or obstacle.  Every time I think I have found the way I hit another wall.  This is not at all what I imagined my life would look like. 

It's so hard to see God's plan for us. It's so hard to understand why God's plan includes such suffering. It's so hard to trust when you don't know what's real from what's illusion.  Some people seem to thrive in illusion/delusion.  I envy those people.  There's no doubt that our past experiences color how we see things.  The past sometimes causes us to have a distorted view of current experiences.  But how do we know for sure if it's delusion or intuition?  

Over the past few years I started following my intuition even when my brain was telling me that it was crazy.  I would say things to people when I felt a strong impulse to say something even when my brain was telling me it was crazy.  I took action based solely on my intuition even when everyone thought I was crazy.  There have been times when I felt so connected and so clear that I stopped doubting and questioning my intuition. 

Then everything changed.  Hence the thought "What the fuck happened?"  How did I end up in the fun-house?  Why is everything distorted?   Things aren't suppose to be like this.  This is not what my life was suppose to look like.  Naturally my mind immediately goes to "what did I do wrong?" I'm catching myself thinking "I try to be a good person so why me?"  This thought, of course, brings up the feeling that since I'm experiencing emotional suffering I must not have been good enough otherwise I wouldn't be suffering.  Now, I've done enough inner work to know that these thoughts are counterproductive.  

The flow of God's grace is always there like the sun hidden behind the clouds.   My mind may be cloudy and confused but I have faith that God's grace is still there. I don't understand the reasons why these challenges and obstacles have been thrown at me.   I don't understand the reasons for the pain and suffering.  One thing I do know for sure is that it's not a punishment for not being good enough. 

The other thing I do know for sure is that when the world around me seems distorted and scary, when the ground beneath keeps shifting, when I can't tell what's real from what's delusion I need to pray.  The challenges and obstacles are God's way of calling us back to our center.  We have strayed and God needs to get our attention.  The only way out is in.  Meditation and complete surrender to God is the way back to our center.  I'll meet you there.... 

Deconstruction in progress

Letting go of delusion is painful.  It feels like my skin is being ripped off inch by inch.  The pain is searing and I fear that I won't survive.  The "me" I thought I was will most definitely not survive.  It would be impossible to survive the deconstruction that is happening.

I fear the pain, I fear what it will be like to move through life in such a raw and vulnerable state.  I fear how others will react.  I fear the validation of my beliefs.  I fear that there's no end to the delusion.  I wonder if the saying is true.  Is the evil you know better than the evil you don't know?

If my strength and self-sufficiency have been a delusion does that mean that my perceived flaws are also a delusion?  There is just as much possibility that what's beyond the delusion is liberating and wonderful as there is that it will be scary and horrible. Is it possible that feeling empty is a blessing?

I find myself resisting my practice. I'm resisting because it is the very thing that's causing the delusion to fall apart.  The delusion has been my means of protection.  Without it I'm exposed.  I'm standing naked in the middle of my life.  Vulnerability is scary.  Who will protect me?

Om Hreem Shreem Dum Durgaya Namaha     

Since I was nine years old I have played the role of mother and protector.  In reality I was just a child in need of mothering and protection.   The delusion of strength and self-sufficiency was necessary and served me well for many years.  Sadly, though, it has also become a hindrance.   I've worn the delusion for so long that I began to believe it was my own skin rather than a suite of amour that can be removed when the battle was over. 

I was reminded yesterday that the reason I feel vulnerable, alone, and without protection is because I have forgotten the presence  of God.  It is the hand of God that is systematically removing the delusion.  It is no longer needed.  The suit of amour is no longer necessary when I remember the presence of God.  

Yes, it is painful.  Like the pain of surgery when the doctor has to cut away disease so that the patient can heal and be whole again.  When God is the surgeon what is there to fear? 

Is it worth it?

Had I known the depths that my yoga practice would take me I doubt I would have had the courage to step foot on the mat.  Truth be told, I started taking yoga classes as a way of relieving stress.  I was in search of love and light and cotton candy.  I was bound and determined to be peaceful and happy even if it kills me.  Some days, it seems that my practice is doing just that... killing me.  In reality, it is killing "Me".

In yoga-land they use the analogy of peeling away the layers of an onion to describe the peeling away of the masks and stories that we have created around this idea of what or who "Me" is.   When I peel an onion it makes me cry.  The same is true with the peeling away of the layers of "Me". There are inevitably tears and pain involved when we start to peel away the masks.  We feel raw and vulnerable.  There's also fear.  Fear of what's underneath the  mask and stories of our lives?  How will people react to me without the mask?  Who am I under the stories and masks?

What keeps us peeling away, despite the pain and fear, is the promise of discovering who we really are at our core.   What is the essence of who we are without the stories, without the masks?  It's the promise of nirvana or bliss that keeps us returning to the painful practice of peeling away.  Some days I want to give up.  Some days it seems the onion has no many layers that I'll never reach the center.
Other days, I feel lighter for having discarded so many layers already and I feel inspired to keep going.

It seems to me that the beginning layers peel away rather easy.  It actually feels liberating and freeing to let go of the story that I needed to live up to the standards set by Betty Crocker or Martha Stewart or Leave it to Beaver's mom.   The beginning layers are more superficial.  As you let go you feel invigorated and it propels you onward.  Like peeling paint from the front porch.  At first, the pieces that weren't so attached come away easy and I think to myself  "How hard could it be?".

Once the superficial layers get cleared away you start to work on the layers that have been there a little longer.  These stories and masks are ones that we have been carrying for a lot longer and we're more attached to.  They get harder to shake loose.  We start to question whether or not it's worth the effort to remove them or maybe, like the front porch, we want to just paint over those layers and pray for the best.

This journey of self-discovery is not for the faint of heart.  The deeper our practice is  the deeper it takes us into the dark corners of our minds.  At some point, we reach those stories that we are sure are entwined into the very fibers of our being.  How will I ever peel those away?

While peeling away the paint on the porch, we got to a point where some of the wood was coming away with the paint.   That's what it feels like for me right now.  It feels like some of the very fibers of my being are being peeled away along with the story.  The pain feels more like grief.  Grief is a natural response to loss. Even if the loss is just a story of who we thought we were.  I didn't, however, expect grief to be a part of the practice that was suppose to bring me to love and light and cotton candy.

There is fear, and vulnerability in the rawness of letting go of these deep layers of the story of "Me". Who will I be when this layer is gone?  This story is, by far, the most painful to let go of.  Will I have the courage and strength to tackle the next one?  How much more pain and grief must I endure before I reach this elusive state of bliss?  Is it even worth the effort?  Today, I surrender to the feet of the Divine Mother who soothes all pain and grief.

The journey

I'm on the train for the long journey home

Sometimes its quiet 

Sometimes there's a lot of distractions

I need to learn to find comfort

for the long journey home

I watch the scenery out the window

Sometimes it's so beautiful it takes my breath away

Sometimes it's dark and scary

I need to learn to find comfort

for the long journey home 

Passengers board and passengers leave

Sometimes the seat next to me is taken by kindness

Sometimes it's harshness

I need to learn to find comfort

for the long journey home

When the scenery is dark and scary 

When the next seat is filled with anger 

I want to leave the train

"this isn't the right train" I tell myself

But this is the train home 

My heart longs to be home 

so 

I need to learn to find comfort

After all,  the scenery and the passengers

come and go

I am just a traveler on the long journey home 

 

Sometimes I struggle.

Sometimes I struggle....

It's hard to understand God's master plan. 

It's all perfect the yoga teacher says.

Today the perfection is hidden behind the struggles

like the sun hidden behind the clouds. 

Sometimes I struggle....

The shadow emotions hit me like a tidal wave. 

The wind gets knocked out of me. 

Dear God... I'm trying to have faith.

I try to remember your Grace that flows so abundantly some days.

Today is just one moment. 

Tomorrow another. 

Sometimes I struggle....

I am not the general contractor of the universe

that position is already filled.

Arrogance is behind my desire for life to be different than what it is.

After all how can I presume to know better than God how things should be. 

Sometimes I struggle....

I want to fight against the injustice and injury. 

I want to cry at the sadness. 

My tears wash away the ego that clouds my inner vision.

It's all in God's hands.  

Sometimes I struggle...

Then I remember the power behind it all.

"Know him to be enshrined in your heart always.

Truly there is nothing more in life to know.

Meditate and realize this world

is filled with the presence of God." 

(Shvetashvatara Upanishad) 

Finding my way home

I've been trying and trying to post for weeks.  Something always prevented me.  Interestingly, I have a recurring dream in which I'm trying and trying to get home but something is always preventing me.

In the dream it's weird stuff like the sidewalk moves, the solid ground beneath my feet turns to quicksand. Doors won't open.  In real life, the things that have been preventing me have been equally weird, 

One of those weird things is having difficulty finding words to adequately express what I want to express.  In my dream I keep trying to get back home, no matter what the obstacle, no matter how exhausted I am.  I'm going to take that as a lesson that even though I'm having difficulty finding words I will  keep trying.  So.... Here goes.

You see my life has been turned upside down over the past year.  The difficulties, obstacles,  challenges, whatever you want to call them, are  being thrown at me faster and with more force than ever before.  There isn't even time to catch my breath before the next one comes.  That's not the strange part, that's just life sometimes. 

The strange part is that with each chaotic, traumatic event, I have noticed a small part of me that isn't freaking out.  This small part of me is witnessing the events of my life in a state of awe.  The witness can look at each trauma and see the beauty in the destruction.  The witness isn't wearing the glasses of past experience nor the glasses of emotions.  From the view point of the witness, vision is crystal clear.  

Each challenge is an opportunity to change and grow.  Every destructive experience offers an opportunity to rebuild something stronger and more durable.  Each storm offers a clearing away of things that have served their purpose which allows the space needed for new growth.  

I'm not suggesting that trauma and destruction do not come with a significant amount of pain.  I'd be lying if I told you that my heart hasn't felt the searing pain of trauma.  I'd be lying if I told you that my ego hasn't been gripped by fear at the destruction.  What I'm telling you is that there is a small part of me that is in a state of calm awareness.  A part of me that is beyond my heart and beyond my ego. This part of me is in awe.  In awe of the beauty  that lies beyond the trauma and destruction.  In awe of the beauty that is infinite possibilities.  

At this point in my evolutionary process I have only gotten glimpses of this small part of me that is the witness.  The glimpses are enough to reassure me of the existence of the witness.  The glimpses are enough to reassure me that the experiences of my life, no matter how painful, serve some higher purpose than what the heart and ego can understand.   The glimpses are enough to encourage me to keep trying and trying to get back home.  Back home to my true nature.  Which I have come to understand is that small, calm place within my Self where I can witness the events of my life from a state of awe.  

I trust in the Divine Will.  Regardless of how weird the circumstance of my life are and how difficult it is to catch my breath sometimes, I will keep trying to get back home. 

Om Namaha Shivaya! 

The fish knows

The fish knows

He understands

what it feels like to be me

The fish knows that without 

water he cannot be

The fish knows what it feels like

to be out of his element and gasping for air

I know

The fish is just like me

I know what it feels like to be out of my element 

and gasping for air

I know that without sadhana I cannot be

I and the fish are one and the same

we must be insane

thinking we'll survive out our element and

gasping for air

Now back to your bowl little fish

enough of this struggling to breath

The water is waiting to welcome you home 

I too must return to my sadhana

where the Divine Mother is waiting to welcome

me home 

I have something to say!

Listen up people of yoga-land. I have an important announcement to make. I am not now, and never have been interested in competition. I have never played competitive sports. Hell, I don't even like board games. It feels odd that I have to make such a declaration but unfortunately, even in yoga-land people are still people.

The fact of the matter is that yoga is a spiritual practice for me. It's not a job, it's not a career, and it most certainly is not a competition. Whatever it is that I do I give 100%. Not because I want to be better than anyone else but because that's just the way I do things. That applies to my yoga practice.

Each time I have the privilege, and it is a privilege, to lead a class I give 100% whether one person or 25 people show up. I give 100% not because I want to be better than the other teachers at the studio. I give 100% because I feel each person who chooses to share their time with me deserves it. The most important thing I've learned in my role as "teacher" is that teaching is fluid and alive. Leading a class is just as much a learning experience as it is a teaching experience. 

I don't have time to worry about what my peers are doing in their classes because I'm too busy paying attention to what's happening in my own class. When I'm sitting on the teacher's seat I always acknowledge, with gratitude, my own teachers. That includes each and every person who has chosen to roll out their yoga mats in front of me. I acknowledge, with gratitude, that I am only God's instrument. I teach in service to God. Therefore, I give 100% of myself. This is not a competition, it is a spiritual practice.

I feel inspired to share my spiritual practices with others so I lead a "workshop". The topics I choose to offer as workshops are inspired by my own personal practice. I am not looking at what others teachers are doing and then presenting their ideas as my own.  Whatever it is I choose to offer is an offering of my heart. Everything I do is an offering to God. Therefore, I give 100% of myself. This is not a competition, it is a spiritual practice.

My personal mission statement is to teach every class with the following intention:
* an open heart
* gratitude
* humility
* reverence
* integrity
* open to learning

I pledge to live my life authentically. That means that I offer 100% of myself in everything I do because that's just who I am. I will not make excuses or apologize for that. I have no time to compete with my peers because in each day I am striving to do better than I did yesterday. I have no time for competition because I am too busy living my own life fully to worry about what other people are doing.

I will leave you with this powerful quote from the Bhagavad Gita that I have adopted as my motto:

"It is better to do your own duty, however lacking in merit, than to do that of another, even though efficiently. It is better to die doing one's own duty, for to do the duty of another is fraught with danger."

Live your own life fully and stop trying to live someone else's.....

My guru, Jake

This is Spider man.... Not really... It's my boy, Jake.  For  two full years he wore this spider man costume everywhere.  Even when he had clearly outgrown it he would still squeeze himself into it.  Even when it was 108 degrees outside in the middle of July he would still wear it. 

 The people in the grocery store would get a kick out him.  Some would joke with him, others would just smile, remembering perhaps their own little ones.  There were some that shook their heads at me for allowing him to go out in the Halloween costume in the middle of July.   He's my third child so I was way more relaxed about things. I learned to choose my battles.  I also learned that natural consequence was the best teacher.

 One day, he simply stopped wearing the costume.  I didn't have to sit him down and explain to him that his attachment to being Spider man was unhealthy or that he was growing up and it was no longer appropriate.  The phase came to its natural end and he moved on to the next phase.

The costumes we wear as adults are the labels we put on ourselves and others.  I'm discovering that sometimes we outgrow the labels but we still squeeze ourselves into them.  We identify completely with the roles we have chosen to play long after the story has come to an end.  It seems to me that the trouble comes when we are 43 and still trying to wear the size 3T Spider man costume.   Why does there need to be a struggle or an intervention when we have outgrown the costume? Why is it so traumatic for us to take off the labels that no longer serve us?  My guess is that its traumatic because we have forgotten that its only a costume and not really who we are. 

In the grown up world we all put on costumes from time to time.  I wear an insurance agent costume from 8:00am - 4:30pm.  Then I change into my super mom costume.  Sometime I wear my yoga teacher costume.  As long as we are aware that each label or costume we wear serves a purpose and does not define who we are then put on the costume and go about the business of life.

Our children are our greatest teachers.  Jake suffered no trauma when he outgrew the Spider man costume.  When the time had come for him to take it off he simply took it off.  Life is fluid.  When we move through life fluidly there is less trauma.  When we recognize that the labels we put on ourselves and roles we choose to  play do not define us, there is less trauma when the labels and roles change.  Every night when I look at the moon I remind myself.... The moon doesn't go through trauma as it waxes and wanes. Why should I fall apart as my life waxes and wanes?

 I loved the baby yogi phase! 

Practice mediation, Stop all vain talk, keep repeating the ancient mantram, Om until it reverberates in your heart.....   OM Shanti OM!

My Daughter the yogi

Photo credit to Tayler Nicholson

It's official, my dear Tayler, you are a yogi. The fact that you are aware that "it's the thoughts that kill you" means that you are advanced in the study of yoga. In the language of the Upanishads..."It is the mind that frees us or enslaves". You are on your way to true freedom dear daughter.

I wouldn't dream of interfering with your journey to self-realization. I know that each journey is unique and beautiful; filled with just enough twists and turns to keep it exciting. I am your mother, though, and I do want to share some pearls of wisdom that may help you along your way. I have found these words to be beacons of light for me when I was lost in the dark.


* It is the nature of the mind to think. So give it something good to think about.

* That which you put your attention on grows stronger in your life. Choose wisely.

* Our greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another. Choose the higher thought.

* Change your thoughts, you change your life.

* You are not your thoughts.

* Yoga/Meditation is stilling the fluctuations of the mind.


"It is the mind that frees us or enslaves. Driven by the senses we become bound; Master of the senses we become free. Those who seek freedom must master their senses.

When the mind is detached from the senses one reaches the summit of consciousness. Mastery of the mind leads to wisdom. Practice meditation. Stop all vain talk. The highest state is beyond reach of thought, for it lies beyond all duality.

Keep repeating the ancient mantram OM until it reverberates in your heart." ~Amritabindu Upanishad

Renewal of Self

I posed this question on Facebook last week: "What does feminine power mean to you?" I loved all your comments. Each one was so insightful and thoughtful. I'd like to explore one idea in particular that resonated so deeply with me. A woman's power comes
from her ability to choose collaboration vs competition.

Collaboration is the reason why I felt so passionately about holding the New Moon Gatherings. Collaboration is where the real power lies. Collaboration is the energy I associate with the Goddess, Durga. For those of you who haven't heard my interpretation of the Durga story let me share it with you. (Disclaimer: this is not a scholarly interpretation, simply my amateur attempt)

So the story goes... There was an evil demon that was terrorizing the 3 worlds. All the Gods tried to defeat the demon but they all failed. All the Gods came together for what I imagine to be like a superhero conference to try to come up with a solution to the problem of this evil demon. They meditated together and from this place of deep meditation they decided to each offer up their own individual, unique "superpower" into the fire. Out of this culmination manifested Durga. She was easily able to defeat the demon. The real power came from the collaboration of all the Gods.

If the Gods are willing to collaborate why aren't we?

Imagine the power that could be generated if we all put aside our ego and offered our own individual, unique talents, aka: superpowers into the fire. Together, all of us, working for the greater good. Collaboration is only possible when each person works together towards the same goal. If there is even the slightest bit of competition, collaboration is impossible. Are you willing to put aside your ego for the greater good? If not, what's holding your back?

If you're up for the challenge let's hold our own "superhero conference". Let's join our energy together in sadhana (spiritual practice). There's no doubt that the power of group practice is strong enough to elevate the vibration of this entire planet. The evil demon we are all fighting is the ego. I've been told this is the time for the "Renewal of Self". It's time for us all to come back to the Self. The way back to the Self is through meditation. In the Self we connect to the source of infinite power.

Here's the challenge if you wish to contribute your energy:

The bhavana (intention) Renewal of the Self
The practice: 6 rounds of Surya Namaskar - The Sun burns away all that is not our true self
6 rounds of Chandra Namaskar - The moon washes away the ashes, leaving behind only what is real
Mantra: 108X - Om Namaha Shivaya - Shiva being the God of destruction. Destruction in that it is destroying everything that stands in the way of us seeing what is real. It is a mantra for transformation. Are you ready?

40 day sadhana begins tomorrow. Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions. I hope you will not only join me in sadhana but also that you will collaborate by sharing your thoughts and experience with all of us by leaving a comment.

Hari Om!!

Christmas prayer

Here we are, December 4th, the holiday madness is in full swing. The old patterns of thinking try to creep back into our consciousness. The constant Christmas music
trying to convince us that this is "the most wonderful time of the year". The constant TV commercials trying to convince us that our families will love us more if we buy
them this thing or that. Everywhere you look there is propaganda showing beautifully decorated homes filled with happy, smiling families sitting down to a feast.

For years and years I tried to live up to this vision of what Christmas should look like. All the while fighting the underlying feelings of inadequacy. Year and after year there was always the feeling that next year will be better. Next year everything will be perfect. But year after year the feelings of anxiety and depression clouded this "most wonderful time of the year".

This year, however, is different. No, I haven't won the lottery, Martha Stewart has not decorated my home or cooked me a feast. This year is different because I am consciously applying the lessons I've learned from my yoga practice. After all, isn't that the point, to live your yoga? Yes.... Yes it is.

My Christmas gift to you this year is a prayer...

* I pray that you remember that you have all that you need.
* I pray that you remember that you are loved and needed.
* I pray that you remember that things do not define you and will not fulfill you.
* I pray that you remember to savor each moment of your life.
* I pray that you remember to see beauty in everything.
* I pray that you remember that all you need to turn a meal into a feast is gratitude.
* I pray that you remember to be fully present with the family and friends you are sharing time with.
* I pray that you remember to shift the focus of your attention from what is lacking to the many blessings you have right now.
* I pray that you remember to fill your heart and home gratitude and love instead of things and sadness.

Ed McMann and Martha Stewart are not coming for Christmas this year but God is. Remember to see God in everyone always. That way, it's always "the most wonderful time of the year".

Rainbow colored glasses

What's the deal with turtle neck sweaters with no sleeves?? If it's cold enough to wear a turtle neck sweater you would think you'd want sleeves right?? I feel the same about 3/4 length sleeves... Shirts should come in short sleeves or long sleeves.. Anything in between just seems indecisive to me.

This is the way my mind works... Things are very black or white, right or wrong, yes or no. You are either here or there. I either like it or not. Things are working or they're not. There's no in between in my mind. I prefer people be direct and to the point. I don't want to have to guess. Are you coming or going? Do you like me or not? I say what I mean, I mean what I say and I believe everyone should do the same.

I honestly feel that life is so much easier when things are clear cut. Organization, rules, and categories reduce chaos and therefore make things easier. Unfortunately, I haven't had much luck in convincing the rest of the universe to think like me.

I do admit that on more than a few occasions I've been reminded that there are all sort of varying shades of gray, including a full rainbow of colors. I am finally, slowly starting to see the light. Perhaps it's true that some experiences simply don't fit neatly into a category. Sometimes experiences that bring us pleasure end up causing us pain in the end. Sometimes experiences that cause us pain eventually bring us to pleasure.

Today I'm wearing rainbow colored glasses and I'm acknowledging that God's Grace has no limits. It is only my ego that sees life in black and white. I know I am not my ego. We are so much more than our mind can even imagine. I see now that in my effort to define myself and others I am limiting myself and others. I will do my best to continue to wear these rainbow colored glasses so that I can enjoy experiencing the infinite possibilities of life unfolding in full color.

But I still don't understand turtle neck sweaters without sleeves...

Sometimes you feel like a nut....

I fell off the yoga wagon. I admit it. I haven't posted lately because I've been in a really negative mental state. I'm telling myself that I can't do yoga because I'm too miserable. How stupid is that?! It's as bad as the people who tell me they can't do yoga because they aren't flexible enough. Duh!! Doing yoga improves flexibility. Duh!! I need yoga to improve my mental state!

Oh yea.... I forgot..... So here I am.

Being an aspiring yogi is very much like being a mom. Regardless of how you feel physically or mentally the show must go on. As a mom, even when you're tired or cranky or having a meltdown, you're still a mom. There's dinner to make and dishes to wash and children to chauffeur.

The same is true as a yogi. Even when you're tired or cranky and most especially during the unavoidable mental meltdowns, you are still a yogi. That means you still show up to the mat and do the practice.

As a mom, there have been times when I had to get one my kids ready for school while she was in the middle of a tantrum. As she was screaming and kicking I was trying to stay calm, breath and continue to tackle the task at hand. Paying as little attention as possible to the tantrum was the surest way to shorten the duration.

The yoga practice, at times, resembles this same scenario. While the inner child is throwing the mother of all tantrums, we try to remain calm, breath and continue to do the practice. Hopefully, paying as little attention as possible to the meltdown will insure that it too passes quickly.

This morning the beautiful full moon helped me hear the whispers of the Divine Mother calling me gently back to the mat. Flowing through the Chandra Namaskar sequence and chanting the moon mantra helped soothe the tantrum a bit and for that I'm grateful.

It's easy to be a 'good' mom when everyone is happy but can you be a good mom while your little one is having a meltdown? That's when it really counts. It's easy to be a 'good' yogi when you're happy and feeling flexible but can you remember you are a yogi in the middle of your own meltdown? NOW... that's when it really counts!

Om Som Somaya Namah! Like the phases of the moon, everything, including our emotions, waxes and wanes.

I'm hearing the Almond Joy commercial in my head right now. "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't" LOL.

Get out your #2 pencils

"I have test anxiety" declares my daughter. "I know the material until it's time to take the test". I know how she feels. I feel exactly the same way right now. I know the yoga lessons I've been studying but when the test comes I feel like I fail.

It seems that the universe is giving me one big test after another with no time for me to catch my breath in between.

The test has been handed out and I'm sitting there staring at the questions....

How do you stay grounded when you're standing in quick sand?
How do you trust when you have been deceived?
How do you keep forgiving over and over without feeling like a fool?
How do you practice contentment when things around you are falling apart?
How do you keep your heart open when every ounce of your being wants to shut down?

The tests keep coming; only the answers escape me. Anxiety reaches an all time high.
The advice I give my daughter "Ask for help. Don't wait till it's too late." Does that advice
apply to me too?

I take my own advice. I bow at the foot of the Divine Mother and ask for guidance. I once again experience the power of sadhana (spiritual practice). The only thing I need to remember for the test is that the answers can only be found within and the study guide is sadhana.

Sadhana is what grounds me.
The Divine is where I place my trust.
I forgive even if it means I'm a fool and then I forgive myself.
Contentment comes from trusting in the bigger picture even when I may not be able to see it from this vantage point. When things fall apart the universe is making room for something else.
An open heart is the channel in which the Grace of the Divine flows.

The answers are only found within and sadhana is the way to find the answers. We continue moving forward, even when we can't see the road in front of us, trusting in the support of the Divine. It's only when we stop moving forward that we truly fail.

Durga Ma give me strength.....

"All that evil needs to succeed is for good people to stand by and do nothing"

The last few weeks have been particularly intense. There has been a tremendous amount of harshness. I've hesitated writing because my emotions have been pretty raw and I have been accused of being hurtful and unloving at times when I speak my mind. I've been questioning the value of speaking my mind.

After much self-reflection, and examining the role of my ego in regards to recent events, I can honestly say that my motivation for calling people out on their appalling behavior is coming from a genuine desire to protect people from getting hurt.

Over and over I'm told that I need to be accepting and forgiving of others. Over and over I'm told that love is the only answer. Durga's love is the answer we need right now. Durga is a fierce warrior Goddess. She is also fiercely protective. I very much feel that intense Durga energy.

"All that evil needs to succeed is for good people to stand by and do nothing."

Admittedly, I'm no expert in Hindu mythology but I have read and heard many stories over the years. The stories tell us how the Gods and Goddesses had to stand up and fight the righteous fight and destroy the demons that were terrorizing the people.

My fear is that the good people have this misconception that they must learn to love and accept evil. 

Here's the thing.  At least as I see it.

Whether we want to accept it or not, some people are evil.  There are people in this world that want to do harm to others.  Yes, I do believe that God is in everyone and yes, I do believe everyone needs love.  However, that doesn't mean that good people need to invite evil into our homes.  That sure as hell doesn't mean that we should give evil any position of authority or leadership.

Good people need to engage their inner Durga Ma and stand up and fight for those who are unable or unwilling to fight for themselves.   A long time ago, a teacher told me that Durga creates a protective shield around you and fights for you until you are strong enough to stand up for yourself and fight the righteous fight along side of her.

I have a strong connection to Durga Ma....I'm ready to stand alongside of her to protect the people I love and care about.  I used to worry that my fierce protective nature goes against the teachings of yoga but then I remembered a quote that David Newman shared with our ytt class...

"You can kick someone out of your home, just not out of your heart"

I can still feel compassion for the evil people as they clearly don't see their own Divinity but that doesn't mean I want to invite them to lunch and that doesn't mean I'm going to stand by and watch them bully and terrorize people.  Doing nothing is no longer an option.  Recoginze that by our inaction we are playing a part in the success of the evil people's actions.  



Om Hrim Shrim Dum Durgayai Namaha!!!

Real Yoga

Tapas - intentional self-discipline

Svadhaya - self-study, self-inquiry

Isvaraprandihana - Surrender to God

In my humble opinion, the above 3 practices are essential  for serious yoga practitioners. I'd like to explore these ideas with you.  Please share your thoughts by commenting.  I'd like to hear what you have to say.

Let's start with Tapas:

Tapas means to burn.  It refers to the disciplines and austerities used to create heat required for transformation.  Here's the thing, ttransformation on the surface level is really pretty easy. All that's required is some new clothes, new name and new circle of friends and WaLa! You are transformed. (Rent the movie Kumare....and you'll understand what I mean). I see a lot of this sort of transformation. Yes, it is technically transformation and I've been told that it serves the person in some way. Perhaps for some, "fake it till you make it" works.  Does fake bliss feel the same as real bliss? I doubt it.

A while back I did some research on women in yoga. What I found was that a lot of popular, modern "yoginis" actually had a hard time with discipline. They found the disciplines their teachers gave them to do too hard, so they changed the disciplines, left their teachers and started their own yoga style that suited them better. Is it discipline if you change it to make it easier for yourself? I came face to face with this challenge this week. I am in the middle of a 40 day moon salutation sadhana. My intentional self-discipline is to do 11 rounds of Chandra Namaskar each day followed by 108 mantras to the moon. I'm doing great the first week or 10 days but then my knee started bothering me. I could very easily use that as an excuse not to practice. I did toy with the idea, telling myself that "I'm honoring my body" by not doing it. Would it still be tapas if I use the excuse of a little discomfort to derail my intention? I doubt it. 

Svadhaya:

Think about how people use the ancient yogic principles to justify their bad behavior. For example, when using the concept of practicing acceptance to justify avoiding the difficult task of changing something that needs to change. Using the idea of surrender and karma to avoid taking responsibility for our own circumstances in life. The truth is that what we need to surrender are the excuses we tell ourselves about why we have the difficulties we have in our lives. Then there would be a chance for real transformation.

The truth of the matter is that when you begin the practice of Svadhaya you will, without a doubt, uncover issues that you will be required to address. That is, if you're interested in transformation on a deeper level.

You will find out things about yourself that you may not like to admit. One of my biggest revelations and challenges has been attachment. My attachment to people and my attachment to my own beliefs and opinions. I could call my attachment to people and my beliefs loyalty and devotion. But is attachment the same as loyalty and devotion? I doubt it.

Ishvarapranidhana:

Do what you do in service to God. Offering all your tapas to the greater good of all. Here's where it all comes together.... at least for me. I ask myself, and you, what is your motivation for doing what you do?

Why are you doing the disciplines? What transformation are you seeking? These questions can be answered through self-inquiry(svadhaya). The serious yoga practitioner is willing to ask herself/himself the hard questions and will answer honestly. 

Am I doing the disciplines because I'm seeking the approval and recognition of my teachers and peers or for God?

Is the transformation that I seek superficial, simply to fit in with the popular crowd or am I ready for the hard, dirty work of releasing the fantasy world we have created in our own mind to discover who we really are?

What transformation are YOU seeking and are you willing to do the work required to achieve it?  Are you ready to surrender yourself to the will of the Divine?