Where do you stand?

Witnessing this moment in our country's history I osculate between horror and hope.  

Story after story of systemic racism breaks my heart daily.

Peaceful protests - arms linked in solidarity fill me with hope.

People I love and respect defending and justifying violence disgusts me. 

People I love and respect pledging to protect and support our marginalized brothers and sisters inspires me. 

Speeches that vomit hatred for another in the name of religion are vile. 

Actions of love, respect and service to another need no public declaration - God is there. 

I lose faith in humanity when I see someone being treated less than human. 

The resilience of the human spirit gives me strength and courage to keep extending my hand in service. 

The roots of hatred are so deep. It's overwhelming. 

It feels like we're digging up the roots of an ancient oak tree with a plastic beach shovel. 

But the mighty oak tree started as infinite potential stored in a tiny acorn.  

In this moment, we hold in our hands the same infinite potential for love and mutual respect. 

Like the tiny acorn, we are right now buried in darkness. We must allow ourselves to soften, be broken open, and continue to reach for light. 

Witnessing this moment in our country's history begs the question....What side of history do you want to be on?   Are you contributing to the horror or the hope?  How does your choice feel? 

The man with the conch shell

I recently ran into a man that I had met only once a couple of years ago.  I greeted him with "it's nice to see you again."  To which he replied "it's nice to be seen."   That simple statement "it's nice to be seen." has been rolling around in my head for a couple of weeks now.  It reminded me of Mrs. Greene, the principle at the elementary school.

Mrs. Greene and I didn't always see eye to eye when Tayler was at Overlook but the year Jake started I had a change of heart.  It was Mrs. Greene who introduced me, and the whole school, to an African word, "Ubantu".   Ubantu, she explained, was a way to say I see you.  You are because I am.  It is a reminder of our shared humanity.   When children are acting out  they are seeking attention.  When Mrs. Greene would notice students not getting along she would say "Ubantu" to remind the children of the Ubantu philosophy:  I see you.  You and I are one.  She felt that if the children felt "seen" they would have less reason to act out. 

I've spent most of my life hiding.  Doing my best to blend into the background.  I choose the spot in the back of the room always.   I cringe when the Facebook notification says "someone has tagged you in a photo" And yet, there is an innate need to be seen.  

"It's nice to be seen" 

It is this innate need to be seen that causes some people to be boastful.  To be honest, I mentally slap people who act like Peacocks displaying their feathers.  I'm not proud of it but it's true.  I have no tolerance for people that constantly want to be the center of attention.  I want to scream at them: 

"YOU ARE NOT THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE!!" I hear myself thinking "Get over yourself'" when someone is trying hard to impress me with how wonderful they are and how much they have accomplished. Then I beat myself up for being so mean.  I tell myself that it's the green eyed monster of jealousy that is making me feel so irritated.   

In a moment of clarity I recognize myself in those peacocks.  I remember our shared humanity, Ubantu.  I remember that the same innate human desire to be seen is in me and in you.  How we express this desire may be different but it comes from the same place.  

It's nice to be seen but I have no control over what others see in me.  Instead, I will focus on making an effort to be more present with others so that I may SEE beyond the ego personality.   Who ARE we beyond our ego personality?  Can I see that within myself? Can I see it in others?  What does it feel like to really be seen?   

Ubantu... I see you.  I'm grateful to the man with the conch shell who reminded me "It's nice to be seen." 

Uncertainty

Last week someone said to me "I'm struggling with the uncertainty of everything".   I could feel her pain while she spoke.  I could feel it so powerfully because I too struggle with the uncertainty of everything.  Whether it's about our health, finances, or even relationships, uncertainty is at the core of our struggle.

When I teach a yoga class I almost always share my own struggles as the theme for the practice. Having pondered uncertainty all week I decided to use it as the theme for today's class.  The focus of our practice was shifting the fear that comes from uncertainty to seeing it as holding the potential for something magnificent.  

The uncertainty I was thinking about was whether or not I would be staying in my house.  My mind has been so focused on the struggle.  I thought that I was on the right track when I started to look at the uncertainty as a great adventure but that was just the beginning.  Uncertainty holds infinite possibilities.

"Our greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another."   

As I continued the practice of shifting my perspective,  I started to wonder,  what was I certain of?     I expressed in class that there wasn't a damn thing that came to mind.  "You'll die." offered Cari.
Yes!  That is something that certainly will happen.   My thought wave shifted after that.  The perspective expanded.

What thoughts or emotions come up for you when you think about the fact that it's 100% guaranteed that you will die?  Can you see the potential it offers?  We can choose to stress over how, when, where, why...  or we can choose another thought.... How can I live today to the fullest?   

Note to self:   It's not about where I live, it's about HOW I live.  

When life serves up a heaping helping of uncertainty you have a choice. 

a) focus on all the terrible outcomes that may or may not happen 

or 

b) look at it as holding the potential for some magnificent adventure 

It doesn't come natural for me so I have to re-train my mind to see life as a great adventure filled with infinite possibilities.  Re-training the mind takes diligent effort in shifting the perspective.  Remember that we can't always choose the hand we're dealt but we certainly can choose our perspective.  

Are you opening or closing? How does your choice feel?

I've often said that the greatest gift yoga has given me is the connections that I've made with some truly wonderful people.  Today was the perfect example.  After teaching yoga I had tea with a couple of the ladies that came to class.  It didn't take long to realize that God was serving the tea today. Turns out these two lovely ladies have walked in my shoes.  It was so helpful to hear their stories.

One of the women talked about her experience walking the Camino De Santiago.  The greatest lesson she learned during the Camino pilgrimage was how important it is for her to foster and nurture the relationships that are important to her.  The other woman talked about how close she is with her children.  How even though they don't get to spend a lot of time physically together she feels very connected to them.

With many of my relationships coming to an end and others strained I've been feeling disconnected. It seems easier to isolate rather than engage with people.  Endings seem inevitable so I wonder if it's even worth the effort of trying to connect with others.  Today I was reminded that personal connections feed my soul.  Spending time with people I love and care about is worth the effort.  What I hadn't considered before was that even the brief encounters are worth the effort.

As we sat outside the coffee shop a group of older women walked by.  One sassy lady stopped at our table and asked if we were enjoying our meal.  She was quite a character.  Dressed in her "Sunday Best",  she joked about watching her weight.  She was full of life and her cheerful demeanor made me smile.  I'll probably never see that woman again but she left an impression on me.  She was enjoying the summer afternoon with some friends... Maybe they were life long friends or maybe they just met. It didn't matter, they were enjoying each others company.

During meditation we are instructed to give our attention more to the mantra and less to the thoughts.  The thoughts will come and go but we continue to give our attention to the mantra.  Eventually, the thoughts become less and less distracting.  "What you give your attention to grows stronger in your life." 

This lesson holds true in daily living too.  We give attention to the relationships and connections that feed our soul.  There will be relationships that come and go.  There will be relationships that are very much one sided.  Rather than focusing on those experiences maybe we need to shift our focus to where we do feel connected.  "What you give your attention to grows stronger in your life."

I'm thinking now of Betheyla.  She was a teacher that I met years ago.  At the time, I had no idea the impact of that brief encounter on my life.  I can assure you that she had no idea how powerfully she affected the course of my life.  We just never know how much our connections affect others both the brief ones and the life long ones.

That sassy lady won't ever know how she made us smile and how her presence validated the message of the importance of nurturing and fostering connections. Whether brief or life long connections it's worth the effort.  For the 3rd time in 3 days I thought about the astrologer who told me it's my dharma to share the word of God with others.

Only now I'm realizing what that meant.  God is always sharing his message with us.  He speaks through the people we connect with.  We are all God's instruments.  It is our dharma to share the word of God with others.  How could we possibly do that if we don't foster and nurture our relationships with others?

My new friend, Saraswati

I should begin by saying that I have not done any sadhana to Saraswati.  At least not yet.  I've always heard that she is the Goddess of music, art, dance.  I've always thought that only musicians or artists did sadhana to Saraswati.  I was wrong.  She is inspiration itself,  pure consciousness.

The story goes that in the beginning Brahma, the creator, asked "How do I bring order to this chaos?"
Saraswati answered "With knowledge.  Knowledge helps man find possibilities where once he saw problems."  What I didn't know is that Saraswati is the Goddess of knowledge.  "She is the river of consciousness that enlivens creation."

That story struck home for me because my life has felt like complete and total chaos for the last couple of years.  I recently went to talk to a counselor who basically said the same thing to me.  Her advice was "Knowledge is power." She set me on track to find the information that I needed to bring order to the chaos I was facing.  It was quite empowering.

Saraswati is creativity.  She is inspiration. She governs over our speech.  Her energy embodies the power of discernment. It's said that if you were to pour milk into the lake, Saraswati's swan could separate the milk from the water and only drink the milk.  It is her gift of discernment that allows us the ability to separate truth from untruth.

Honestly, while I was reading,  I was surprised at how powerfully I was drawn to her.
Goddess, Lakshmi, is about using the senses to enjoy all the beauty in life,  Saraswati is more simple, clear, pure.  She's more interested in meditation, higher learning, wisdom.

"The question arose: who did Vishnu, the preserver,  need more? Lakshmi or Saraswati? Wealth or Knowledge?......Vishnu replies... "I need both knowledge and wealth to sustain the cosmos. Without knowledge, I cannot plan.  Without wealth, I cannot implement a plan.  Wealth sustains life; the arts give value to life.  Thus both Saraswati and Lakshmi are needed to live a full life." ~ Devi, Devdutt Pattanaik

Again, this is powerful for me personally.  I tend to appreciate practicality over beauty.  I look at something beautiful and while I can appreciate it's beauty I do not always see the value in it.   My mind doesn't see the value in something that has no practical, useful purpose.  This is a mental pattern that I'm working to change.  I look at some shinny, beautiful thing and I immediately ask "What's it's purpose?"  Instead of passing it by when I can't think of a useful purpose I try to remember that "beautifying my environment" is it's purpose.  

Both Saraswati and Lakshmi are needed to live a full life.  I have a feeling I'll be writing more about Saraswati in the future but for now here's her mantra.

OM AIM HRIM SARAWATYAI NAMAHA
Om, I bow to the flowing one whose essence is wisdom and the power to manifest

Use her mantra when you need some inspiration, when you are learning something new, when you need to give an important talk or speech.  Invoke her energy when you need help finding a solution to a problem or when you're making music or art.

 ~Awakening Shakti, Sally Kempton 

Jai Durga Ma

Let me preface by reminding you that I am not a Vedic scholar.  I am a spiritual seeker sharing my own personal experiences and thoughts.   My intention for this post is to share my experience with the Goddess, Durga.

First, I want to tell you the story of how I came to know Durga.  During my yoga teacher training program one of the guest teachers, Bonnie Pariser, asked me a few questions about some lower back pain I was feeling.  "Do you know Durga?" she asked me.  When I told her I didn't she told me that Durga creates a protective shield around you and fights the righteous fight for you until you are strong enough to fight along side her. I had not yet made the connection between emotional and physical pain so I didn't understand what she was telling me.

It wasn't until a year or so later that I remembered what Bonnie had said.  I was reading my friend, Susan Bertolino's blog one day and I noticed a beautiful image on the side bar.  I asked her about it and she told me it was a Durga Yantra.  (A yantra is a mystical diagram used for worship of deities)
That's when I remembered the story from yoga teacher training.  I decided to google Durga. One of the first links to come up was for a temple not far from where I live.  As I was reading the temple web-site I got a call from my daughter.  Her boyfriend needed to visit a temple for his religion class and wanted to know if I would go with him.  Turns out that  the temple he was going to was the same Durga temple that I was reading about.

The synchronicity continued.....

Not long after my visit to the Durga temple with the boy who eventually became my son-in-law I met a Vedic Astrologer that was visiting from Oregon.  (I'll save the story of the synchronicity of how we met for another post.)  At the end of his first visit to our studio we were saying good-bye. He told me that he wanted to give me something that belonged to his mother.  It was a beautiful image of Durga. I've carried that image with me ever since.   This gift represents, for me,  the story of the Goddess that I resonate with the most.

The story goes that none of the Gods could defeat the evil demon that was terrorizing the three worlds so they all came together to find a solution. After meditating, they decided that they would each offer up their own "super power" into the fire.  It was out of their combined offering that the warrior, Durga  manifested.  She was easily able to defeat the demon and the three worlds were protected from evil.  This story illustrates the power of the collective.

What I learned from doing sadhana to Durga is this:

We have a moral obligation to protect those who are not strong enough to fight the righteous fight.   That doesn't mean encouraging co-dependency.  It means holding space for someone while they do the work necessary to find their own inner strength.  Doing the inner work is a lot easier when you know someone has your back while you are in the vulnerable state of working through  your stuff.   Hold the space for someone and ask for support when you need someone else to hold the space for you.  Remember  "all that evil needs to succeed is for good people to stand by and  do nothing."   Don't stand by and do nothing when you see someone in need of help or protection. 

Collaboration is more powerful than competition.  Can you offer your ego into the fire to benefit the whole?  We each have unique gifts to offer and when we come together in community and combine our efforts for the greater good we can move mountains.  Remember the old saying "It takes a village to raise a child."?  In collaboration anything and everything is possible.

Change the thinking of I and mine to we and ours.  There's no doubt that most mothers would fight a lion to protect their child.  Think of the power behind all mothers and fathers standing up to protect ALL the children?  It can no longer be about my children verses your children.  It needs to be about OUR children.  Even further, there needs to be a shift from protecting my home to protecting OUR home, Mother Earth.   It's time to actually start practicing what we're preaching and see the oneness in all of life and move towards the unity that will accomplish greatness.

Om Hreem Shreem Dum Durgayai Namaha 

What do I have to offer?

What do I have to offer?? This is the thought that has hijacked my mind for weeks and weeks. 

What do I have to offer? Authenticity, vulnerablity and a heaping helping of "I don't know!". That's what I have to offer.

 

I'm learning to be ok in the not knowing. I'm ok with admitting that I don't have all the answers. I'm not an expert. Some days, it takes everything in me to just get my ass out of bed.  Some days I show up at my desk and look down to notice I'm wearing  two different shoes or that my shirt is on inside out.   I make mistakes.  I get angry, I get depressed.  I get overwhelmed.  What do I have to offer? 

 

Some days I say "What the fuck!!!"  47 times before lunch.  Some days I eat French fries for dinner.  Sometimes I have a perfectly good lesson plan ready but half way through the class I get distracted and forget what I had planned. 

 

What do I have to offer?  Most days I spend the whole day counting the minutes until I can go home, take off my bra and crawl under the covers.  Some days, I roll out my yoga mat  and with all good intentions I begin with Surya Namaskar only to spend the next hour in savasana after the first round.

 

Some days, I experience sensory over-load and my head spins, my heart races and I fight the urge the puke.  Some days, I honestly don't know if I'm coming or going.  Some days, I feel like giving up. 

What do I have to offer?  

 

Self-doubt is my constant companion.  Feelings of not being good enough, not doing enough, not working hard enough are so familiar that they feel like my own skin.  What do I have to offer?

 

I can offer my own struggles. I can offer my authentically, messy self.  I can offer my story.  I have learned some tools that have helped me.  I have had some experiences that have taken me to the brink and back.  I have walked through the "dark night of soul"  ( which, incidentally, lasted longer than a night).  What do I have to offer?  My own experience with all the messy human emotions that no one wants to talk about.  

 

What do I have to offer?   I can offer you what I, myself need.  A couple of years ago when my world turned upside down I remember someone saying to me "You'll be ok.  You have a lot of family and friends to support you."  The fact of the matter is that everyone thinks that someone else is offering support so no one actually does.  The biggest source of my distress has been when people say things like "I'm here for you."  "If you need anything call me."  The truth of the matter is that when I have reached out and asked for support I have been disappointed to find that  most people don't actually mean those things.

What do I have to offer?  Myself.  Authentically, Vulnerably, messy ME.   What do I have to offer?  Exactly what I need is what I wholeheartedly offer.  I was recently reminded that when I can't find what I need it's a sign that what I need is what I am meant to offer. "It is in giving that I receive". 

I don't know what that will look like exactly but I'm learning to be ok with not knowing and leaving the details up to God.  In the words of Kirtan Soul Revival.... "I release and I let go. I let the spirit run my life..."

 

Om Namah Shivaya!

 

 

 

 

If you want to go East just don't go West.

There is no greater friend in the world than our will

 and there is no greater enemy in the world than our will. 

For the past week or so I've been reading a book by Eknath Easwaran called Essence of the Upanishads, A key to Indian Spirituality.  Have I mentioned how much I love Easwaran's work?
The simplicity with which he delivers the ancient yoga teachings is what makes his work so powerful.

Often times, as I stand at a crossroad of my life I experience fear, self-doubt, confusion.  Life becomes overwhelming.  During those times, even the simplest tasks feel monumental.  The Upanishads have been my road map when I'm lost.

Our greatest weapon against stress is our ability

 to choose one thought over another.

One of the simple, yet profound quotes from Easwaran's book is "If you want to go East just don't go West."  It really is that simple.  My teacher, Shiva Das, used to tell me "Just do the next right thing in each moment."   It really is that simple.   We give attention to those things in our life that we want to grow.  I want more mental clarity and peace of mind.  How I achieve those states of being is to make them a priority.   Will drinking alcohol or eating Doritos bring me closer to my goal of mental clarity and peace of mind? or take me further away?  It's that simple. 

When our will is our friend, the choices are easy.  When our will is our enemy making healthy choices is a much more difficult task.  The key to achieving the life we want lies in the strength of our will.  That's the good news.   According to Easwaran, the will can be strengthened by exercising it.  

As I continue to practice making friends with my will I have found some useful tips. 

* Keep it simple

Remember, if you want to go East just don't go West.  Are my actions and thoughts taking me closer to my goal or further away? 

* Hold space

Allowing a bit of space between the experience/challenge and the response/reaction helps me make conscious choices instead of reacting from impulse.   When a building collapses we need to wait for the dust to clear before we can assess the damage and before we can rebuild we need to clear the debris.  The same holds true for any trauma.  First, let the dust settle, assess where the work needs to be done.  Clear the debris before you rebuild.  Constructing a new building over the ruins of the old one will not provide the stability needed to withstand the next storm. 

*Be honest with yourself 

Avoiding the truth will always come back and bite you in the ass.  Hiding, numbing, avoiding only prolongs your suffering. "You have to feel it to heal it".   Don't hang pretty wallpaper to cover up the crumbing wall.  Easwaran explains it like embroidering the seat belts in the car but not taking care of the engine. 

*That which you give your attention to grows stronger in your life

Nothing grows unless you give it your attention.  No matter how much I love this beautiful Gardenia plant if I put it in the corner and ignore it there's no doubt that it will die.   The more I give my attention to finding beauty the more beauty I see.  The more attention I give to seeing God's Grace the more I feel supported.  The more attention I give to those people and things that bring me joy the more joy I experience.  

*Take action

We can pretend to be a victim of our circumstances or we can take our power back.  I imagine it like a sailboat.  We can set out on our little sailboat and allow the winds to push and pull us here and there and we can sit back and play victim when we don't reach our destination  or we can lift the sails and adjust them as needed.  That way the winds of our life will be the energy we need to direct our little boat towards our destination.  There will always be storms. Whether we use them as fuel for our spiritual evolution or we allow them to get us stuck in the mud is up to us.  The choice is ours. 

It's really that simple. Ultimately, every time we engage our will and make the choice that takes us towards our goal, no matter how small the step is, we are strengthening our will.   When our will is our friend we will surely reach our goal. 

Om Namah Shivaya! 

Make me an instrument...

Prayer of St. Francis

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace, 

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; 

to be understood as to understand; 

to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive; 

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; 

and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

I've been saying this prayer since I was a child.  Today, I felt like I was living this prayer... Or rather, the prayer was living me.  I have the great privilege of taking part in a sacred circle sharing teachings that I feel so passionately about with a group of amazing women.  

As I take my seat in the sacred circle  I acknowledge and bow to all the teachers who have shared the profound teachings of yoga with me. I ask for their blessing and pray that I may become an instrument for God's Grace.  

As I take my seat in the sacred circle I recognize myself in the faces of each and every other woman in that circle.  Each one bringing to the circle their own struggles and their own profound wisdom.  Each of us showing up with open hearts and open minds. 

It is in giving that we receive.... I was presented with an opportunity to practice this.  I am grateful that I had the clarity of mind to recognize this opportunity.  The opportunity also helped me to understand that perhaps the reason I experienced the recent "trauma" was to prepare me for the opportunity to give what I, myself,  needed to receive.  So often I struggle with the perception that all these bad things are happening TO me.  Today I had the realization that these "struggles" are actually happening FOR me.  

Today, I felt the Grace of God flowing through me as I shared the sacred teachings of the Upanishads with this group of amazing women.  As the teachings flowed through me each word was meant for me.  It was in giving that I received.  Each word that passed through my heart felt like the hand of God healing my shattered heart. One piece at a time.  Where there was despair...hope,  Where there was darkness...light,  Where there is injury...Pardon.  Where there was sadness...joy. 

In the words of my mother... "God loves me... He really loves me."  

Sometimes, I feel like I need to pinch myself.  How luck am I that I get to share the teachings that I feel so passionately about in sacred circles with some truly remarkable people.  And How lucky am I to have a friend who made that possible? I am eternally grateful to her for having more confidence in me than I had in myself. 

How lucky am I that in the process of sharing God's message I receive the message I've been seeking?  

Love anyway.

When does the practice of Svadhyaya, self-inquiry, become obsession and self-destructive?  It's interesting to me that even the spiritual practices can become a hindrance.  These practices we engage as a means to bring us closer to the Divine can become tools for the ego to take us further away from God.  

I came across the picture above on the 100 days of Beauty facebook page. The page was started as a way to share my sadhana to Venus with others and to hold myself accountable.I had committed to looking for beauty everyday for 100 days. With the help of my friends, the posts on the page have inspired me and filled my life with so much beauty.  When I struggle to see beauty in the chaos of my own life it helps me to see the beauty others have found.  

This picture, struck a nerve though.  I have been contemplating love a great deal lately.  I've used this idea of self-inquiry to examine my relationship with love.  But self-inquiry has turned into self-destruction.  I have been picking myself apart for not being able to love good enough and not being lovable enough. It's the same song and dance. I'm not enough.  If only I had not said this.  If only I had done that. If only I was more like this or less like that then I'd be lovable.  

This self-destruction disguised as self-inquiry has even gone so far as to point out how stupid I am for loving people when they don't love me back.  How stupid can I be to continue to feel love for someone who clearly doesn't feel the same about me?  

Then today, I came across this picture.  I'm reading a book by St. Teresa of Avila so when I was scrolling through the posts this one jumped out at me.   Love cannot be bought.  It can't be stolen, it cannot be cajoled, it cannot be seduced.  Only genuine love begets love. 

How do we know if it's genuine love we are feeling or we're trying to seduce or cajole?  How do we know if it's genuine love or co-dependency? If my love doesn't beget love does that mean its not genuine?

If I love you six units and you don't return six units and I don't withdraw my six units does that make me stupid or does that mean it's genuine love?   How do we know if it's genuine love or simply an inability to let go?  I tend to get attached to people.  When they inevitably disappear from my life I suffer.  My head says that I should withdraw my "six units of love".  My heart doesn't agree. 

My teacher says, the heart is the gateway between our humanity and our Divinity.  Seems to me that it's also the gateway to mass confusion for some of us.  

How can we tell if it's genuine love we feel or unhealthy attachment? 

St. Teresa says that if we don't learn to love we will suffer.  My experience has been that even if we do love we may still suffer.  Or... Does the fact that it's causing suffering mean it's not genuine? 

Maybe I am stupid.  Maybe I am too attached to people.  Maybe it is unhealthy to be attached to people who don't, for whatever reason, offer the same six units of love back to me. 

I'll follow my heart instead of my ego and error on the side of love.  I will follow the example of the Saints and Sages and continue to offer my heart.  As long as my motivation for love is genuine and unconditional whether or not it's returned or received the way I intend is none of my business. 

Love begets love.... But even if it doesn't, love anyway. 

Being able to love even after your heart has been broken into a million pieces is a beautiful thing.  Having the tools to recognize that the same song and dance of the ego no longer serve me is a beautiful thing. 

We are made in the image of God.  How can we ever be "not good enough"?    

Is it worth it?

Had I known the depths that my yoga practice would take me I doubt I would have had the courage to step foot on the mat.  Truth be told, I started taking yoga classes as a way of relieving stress.  I was in search of love and light and cotton candy.  I was bound and determined to be peaceful and happy even if it kills me.  Some days, it seems that my practice is doing just that... killing me.  In reality, it is killing "Me".

In yoga-land they use the analogy of peeling away the layers of an onion to describe the peeling away of the masks and stories that we have created around this idea of what or who "Me" is.   When I peel an onion it makes me cry.  The same is true with the peeling away of the layers of "Me". There are inevitably tears and pain involved when we start to peel away the masks.  We feel raw and vulnerable.  There's also fear.  Fear of what's underneath the  mask and stories of our lives?  How will people react to me without the mask?  Who am I under the stories and masks?

What keeps us peeling away, despite the pain and fear, is the promise of discovering who we really are at our core.   What is the essence of who we are without the stories, without the masks?  It's the promise of nirvana or bliss that keeps us returning to the painful practice of peeling away.  Some days I want to give up.  Some days it seems the onion has no many layers that I'll never reach the center.
Other days, I feel lighter for having discarded so many layers already and I feel inspired to keep going.

It seems to me that the beginning layers peel away rather easy.  It actually feels liberating and freeing to let go of the story that I needed to live up to the standards set by Betty Crocker or Martha Stewart or Leave it to Beaver's mom.   The beginning layers are more superficial.  As you let go you feel invigorated and it propels you onward.  Like peeling paint from the front porch.  At first, the pieces that weren't so attached come away easy and I think to myself  "How hard could it be?".

Once the superficial layers get cleared away you start to work on the layers that have been there a little longer.  These stories and masks are ones that we have been carrying for a lot longer and we're more attached to.  They get harder to shake loose.  We start to question whether or not it's worth the effort to remove them or maybe, like the front porch, we want to just paint over those layers and pray for the best.

This journey of self-discovery is not for the faint of heart.  The deeper our practice is  the deeper it takes us into the dark corners of our minds.  At some point, we reach those stories that we are sure are entwined into the very fibers of our being.  How will I ever peel those away?

While peeling away the paint on the porch, we got to a point where some of the wood was coming away with the paint.   That's what it feels like for me right now.  It feels like some of the very fibers of my being are being peeled away along with the story.  The pain feels more like grief.  Grief is a natural response to loss. Even if the loss is just a story of who we thought we were.  I didn't, however, expect grief to be a part of the practice that was suppose to bring me to love and light and cotton candy.

There is fear, and vulnerability in the rawness of letting go of these deep layers of the story of "Me". Who will I be when this layer is gone?  This story is, by far, the most painful to let go of.  Will I have the courage and strength to tackle the next one?  How much more pain and grief must I endure before I reach this elusive state of bliss?  Is it even worth the effort?  Today, I surrender to the feet of the Divine Mother who soothes all pain and grief.

Forfeiting the race

Why is there always a sense of urgency about things?  Why does it seem like time is running out? Always hurrying from one thing to the next.  Time spent on anything but busyness is wasteful.  "I wish I had more time!"  people are always saying.  I read a quote somewhere that said something like "Einstein and Michaelangelo had the same 24 hours you do."   Some nights I hit my pillow so completely exhausted yet having accomplished nothing in particular.

The sense of urgency and needing to keep up causes so much unnecessary suffering.   Life is moving so fast... Is it?  Is time moving faster than it used to?  Doesn't 24 hours still last  24 hours like they did 100 years ago?  Time isn't what's moving so fast, we are.   The question is, why? 

A yoga teacher once said that whatever neurosis you have off the mat you bring to the mat with you. The same sense of urgency and busyness and needing to accomplish and keep up with others is just as prevalent in yoga-land as it is in the rest of society.  The question is still, why? 

In society we strive to accumulate promotions, possessions,  money, bigger house, better car.  Our children are pushed to excel at everything. They must make honor roll, play 5 sports and master musical instruments.  We strive to make them "well rounded" by filling their days with structured activity.  In yoga-land, it's the race to "awaken".  We strive to accumulate training certificates, have the biggest "following",  master the most advanced postures, teach the most yoga classes, run retreats and workshops and on and on and on.  We want to be well rounded so we fill our time with everything yoga.  We must become master teachers even if it kills us! 

When I first started teaching yoga I was teaching upwards of 10 classes a week.  In addition I was enrolled in a 500 hr advanced yoga teacher training program.  I was also in a dysfunctional marriage, working full time and trying to raise 3 children.  Since that time I completed 2 advanced yoga teacher training programs and a 500 hr Ayurveda lifestyle consultant course.  People would always say to me "I don't know how you do it."  "I'm so impressed that you can manage to do so much".   From the outside I had it all together.... On the inside I was falling apart. I was running all the time... No one ever asked me what it was that I was running away from.  What was the hole that I was trying to fill? 

The last 2 years have been completely different.  I'm teaching much less, I'm not taking any training programs, my marriage ended and my children often times fend for themselves.  From the outside it looks like things are falling apart.... On the inside, things are coming together.  

At the end of my Ayurveda training I asked my teacher "What's next? There's still so much more to learn."  His reply?  "Time to stop asking what's next."  I took his advice.  I stopped running, stopped trying to fill the hole with more training and started living the teachings.   I took time to digest and assimilate all the beautiful, profound wisdom that has been shared with me by my teachers.  I move more slowly and deliberately through life.  Choosing how I spend my time and energy more carefully has made all the difference. 

I'm learning that life is not a race to the finish line.  It's a journey of discovery.  I never took the time to enjoy life when I was so busy trying to keep up with everyone else.  There are still moments when I feel a pang of jealousy when I hear about the training programs other teachers are taking or when someone has the means to quit their job or take a trip to India or whatever.  I'm not saying that it's not good to have goals and ambition in life.  I'm saying that I'm now questioning my motivation for what I do and considering the benefit verse the sacrifice. 

Years ago my oldest got in trouble.  I grounded her and sent her to her room without her phone. Several hours later she came downstairs to show me the beautiful tote bag she had sewn.   Seems to me that when we can practice being still and holding space we open ourselves up to inspiration and creativity.  

Let the adventure begin...

What does releasing self-doubt look like? How will I know if it's self-doubt or a sign that I'm moving in the wrong direction?  What if it's not intuition or Divine guidance but really just delusion?  It seems to me that both delusion and following Divine guidance might look like chaos and craziness. 

Maybe a better question would be what does releasing self-doubt feel like? At this point it feels scary and confusing.  It feels scary when I forget that nothing is written in stone and nothing is permanent. I can change my mind and change my direction at any moment.

The option to change direction allows me to open up to the possibility that releasing self-doubt may feel liberating and exciting.  What if I'm right about something?  There's just as much possibility of being right as there is of being wrong.  What if I discover that my intuition was right?  How would that feel?   What would change?  Would that make releasing self-doubt easier?  What if I'm wrong? Would the sky fall? Would the world come to an end?  If  I'm wrong about something is it really wrong if I learn something from the experience?  How many great inventions were discovered by mistake?

Why is it that some people seem to be able to make choices and decisions without hesitation while others, like me, struggle with self-doubt?  Where does this self-doubt come from?  What caused it?
Was I just born with this quality or was it learned?  Does it even matter? Is self-doubt the same as being cautious?  Being caution serves a purpose.  Does self-doubt have a purpose?  I suppose it could be a helpful tool in keeping my ego in check but it's also what holds me back.

At this point, self-doubt isn't going to go away magically simply because I've set the intention.  Setting the intention is the starting point to the work that lays ahead.  Behavior patterns and habits take time and patience to change.  Setting the intention is making the commitment to do the work.

When life feels like a test, self-doubt is harder to release.  No one wants to fail at the test.  When life feels like an adventure then releasing self-doubt becomes a little easier.  There's no failing on an adventure.

It's for the children

My day started with this short Ted Talk called The Fierce Face of the Feminine.   I really hope that everyone takes a few minutes to watch it.  The talk is powerful and it got my head spinning.  So much of it resonated so deeply in me.  I had flashbacks of times when I have felt that fierce fire within me. 

Times when the fire within me burned so strong that I could not hold myself back.  This short little Ted Talk felt like the final piece of  the puzzle.  It's going to take some time to digest the realizations that I've been having all day but there is one piece of the talk that I want to start a conversation about. 

Lets talk about this concept that we are all mothers and fathers of ALL the children.  You know the saying "It takes a village to raise a child"?  Its time to get back to this practice.  When I was a kid I knew that any one of the "moms" in my life would be there for me whether it was for help or discipline.  When my kids were young and would play outside they knew that the other "moms" would be there for them to help or discipline.  As my girls were growing into young women they had other "moms" who have stepped in and offered guidance and advice to them. 

I'm that mom that's always asking kids "does your mom know where you are?" before letting the kid hang out at my house.  I'm that mom that yells at kid standing on someone's car "Get off of there before you break your neck!"  I'm that mom that offers an ear to the teenager who had a fight with their own mom.  I'm that mom that stands in the parking lot keeping an eye on the group of little ones blowing bubbles when there isn't any other adults around.  I'm that mom that lunges to catch a kid that's climbing out the shopping cart. I'm grateful that I have had a  circle of powerful women doing the same for me and my children.  It is this circle of powerful women that have taught me what it means to be a mother and a woman. 

I have the great privilege of witnessing my daughters becoming powerful young women in their own right.  I am so proud of them that it makes my heart burst.  But I can't take all the credit. They too were surrounded by a circle of powerful women guiding them and protecting them. 

I never realized that this was unusual.  I assumed that every community had a circle of powerful women protecting and guiding the children in their lives.  If there isn't one in your community then you start one.  Very simple, small changes in the way to participate in your own community will make a huge difference.  If we each pledge to take responsibility for not only our own children but for all the children in our community WE can start a revolution of positive change in our world. 

When the children are protected and cared for by the community, the community reaps the rewards of well rounded children.  Well rounded children grow up to be productive members of society.  

Freedom of Speech

I am in a unique position in my life.  I have one foot in yoga-land and the other in the "real world".  

For years I thought this was a hindrance to my spiritual growth.  I now see that it is the ultimate blessing.  

This morning, after my yoga class, a new student said to me that she really appreciated my "teaching" at the beginning of class.  What I shared changed her experience during the physical practice. Today's bhavana was inspired by the book I'm reading, The Untethered Soul, by Michael Singer.  

In the book, the author talks about a dog who's nature it is to run free that suddenly finds himself in a backyard with an electric fence.  The dog, attempts to run  free but hits the invisible boundary and is shocked.  He learns that if he goes too close to the boundary it's uncomfortable so he stays in the yard.   The author goes on to talk about how some dogs are determined to be free.  The determined dog will gradually get closer and closer to the boundary.  He begins to adjust to the discomfort, little by little.  One day, he moves right through the discomfort, crosses the boundary and HE'S FREE! The discomfort is temporary.  Once he crosses it, he's free.  

The last few days I've been feeling like the dog in the yard with the electric fence. I'm becoming more aware, not only of the fact that the electric fence is my own self-imposed boundary, but also to what extent I will go to avoid being uncomfortable.  

There are so many areas in my life that I can see this at play but none as such as in my speech.  For most of my life I never felt comfortable speaking my mind to people.   Well, let me re-phrase that.  It wasn't so much  my mind I had trouble expressing, it was my heart.  I've gotten better at it but I still find myself holding back when I feel uncomfortable about what I want to say.  Speaking from the heart makes me feel vulnerable and that vulnerability is uncomfortable. 

I can see now, that my inability to move through the discomfort of speaking what was in my heart was a huge contributing factor in the break-down of my marriage.  I was afraid to stand up for myself.  I allowed my heart to be ripped to shreds to avoid the discomfort of speaking up.  The discomfort that I was afraid of was being alone, being unlovable.  In the end, I was alone all along.  In the end, I was unlovable... to myself.   The more I held back what was in my heart the more alone and unlovable I felt.  The self-imposed boundary that I put in place to protect myself ended up being what caused me the most pain.  

I'm learning to move through the discomfort.  Little by little, I'm sharing from my heart.  When I take risks and actually  teach from my own personal experience, from my heart,  about how I apply the teachings of yoga to my day to day life, I'm free...  

There's a catch though... Just like when we practice asana, it's not about pushing past the boundary it's about flirting with our edge.  Learning to be comfortable being uncomfortable.  Moving slowly, mindfully, consciously, closer and closer to the self-imposed boundary allowing ourselves time to adjust to a new reality.  

The journey

I'm on the train for the long journey home

Sometimes its quiet 

Sometimes there's a lot of distractions

I need to learn to find comfort

for the long journey home

I watch the scenery out the window

Sometimes it's so beautiful it takes my breath away

Sometimes it's dark and scary

I need to learn to find comfort

for the long journey home 

Passengers board and passengers leave

Sometimes the seat next to me is taken by kindness

Sometimes it's harshness

I need to learn to find comfort

for the long journey home

When the scenery is dark and scary 

When the next seat is filled with anger 

I want to leave the train

"this isn't the right train" I tell myself

But this is the train home 

My heart longs to be home 

so 

I need to learn to find comfort

After all,  the scenery and the passengers

come and go

I am just a traveler on the long journey home 

 

Dear fear....

Dear Fear,

I'm breaking up with you.  Even though you and I have a LONG history together I can no longer be with you.  I love my kidneys now....

I was about 7 months pregnant with my daughter, Tayler, the first time I had a kidney stone.  That was 20 years ago.  Over the past 20 years I've had several other "episodes" with kidney stones.  This last episode landed me in surgery to remove a stone that was stuck in my bladder.  After the surgery I vowed to eat right and drink enough to avoid another kidney stone.  It was a truly awful experience that I want to put behind me and forget about.

Today I was listening to an astrology report and the astrologer was talking about how our emotions effect our organs.  Fear is related to the kidneys according to the astrologer.   I had heard this before but didn't give it much thought.  I did research kidney stones from an Ayurvedic perspective.  I read about what foods are likely to cause kidney stones but it wasn't until today that I decided to research how emotions effect the kidneys.

A quick google search and I found this "Kidney problems are particularly concerned with issues related to fear with a focus on relationships, such as unexpressed grief or emotional insecurity."
Wow...  The kidneys' job is "discriminate between what is harmful and what is beneficial".
Kidney stones "are like unshed tears that have become solidified."

I'm doing my best to take care of my kidneys with diet and drinking lots of water.  Now it's time to take care of my kidneys by releasing fear.  As most of you know by now, at the end of last summer my marriage came to an end.  Just shy of our 25 wedding anniversary.  This past year has been a year filled with fear, sadness, emotional insecurity and grief.  Although, truth be told, these are emotions that I can trace back to my childhood and I would venture to say maybe even back to previous lifetimes.

Through my practice of yoga and meditation and by the Grace of God, I have had moments of clarity. In these brief moments I can see beyond the momentary situation or experience to what my underlying emotions were.  The google search was right.  At the root of all my relationships with people I loved was fear.  Fear of not being good enough,  Fear that the person I loved would abandon me, fear that if I expressed myself that my loved one would get angry and wouldn't love me anymore.
Unexpressed grief and emotional insecurity are not good foundations upon which to build long lasting relationships.  Dear fear,  I recognize that you are a valuable tool to remind me to proceed with caution but I will no longer stay stuck in fear.   My kidney troubles have taught me a valuable lesson.  The job of a kidney is to discriminate between what is harmful and what is beneficial.  Fear will be my signal to engage my power of discernment.  In each situation and relationship I will assimilate what is beneficial and I will release what is harmful.

Dear Kidneys, thanks for the wake up call.  I am ready to step forward in faith.

Authentically vulnerable

I make a very conscientious effort to be authentic in every area of my life.  Authenticity is something that I value. So many times I've heard myself saying "This is me, the good, the bad, and the ugly".

I really believed these statements to be true.  Then one day I was talking to a friend about how someone hurt my feelings.  I told him that I was upset with this person.  "No, I haven't told him how I feel" I tell my friend.   I value my relationship with this person and I'm afraid that if I tell him how I feel that it may put a strain on the relationship.  Is this relationship that I value authentic?  How can it be authentic if I don't feel like it could handle an honest conversation?

Someone I know is behaving in a way that makes me uncomfortable. Sneaking around, gossiping, and looking to make trouble for others.  I considered this person a friend but her behavior making it hard to continue being her friend.  How can I trust her? Trust is the foundation of any relationship.  How authentic am I if  I can't express my feelings for fear that they will be used against me?

The relationship between vulnerability and authenticity is a very curious thing.  When we choose to be authentic vulnerability is part of the package.  Isn't it?   Can you be authentic without being vulnerable?  Whenever I have to express my authentic feelings I do feel vulnerable.  What if the other person views my vulnerability as a weakness and uses it to attack me?  Is it safe to be authentic with everyone?  Is "selective authenticity" really authentic?

I feel incredibly vulnerable when I show up as my authentic self.  What if someone doesn't like the authentic me?  What if  I speak my authentic feelings from my heart and someone is offended, or worse gets angry?   Is the act of living your life with authenticity worth the risk of being vulnerable?

I believe that once we all let our guards down and choose authenticity we can see that our vulnerabilities are not so different.  When we see that we are all struggling with the same need to be accepted, same need to be loved, same need to be heard we may begin to help each other up instead of looking for ways to tear each other down.

It is only when we can accept our own vulnerabilities that we can begin to truly live authentically.  Once we are comfortable in our vulnerabilities then we must hold space for others to do the work to find comfort in their vulnerability.

It takes a tremendous amount of strength to look authentically at our vulnerabilities.  It takes even more strength to find comfort in them.  How comfortable are you being authentically vulnerable?

Sometimes I struggle.

Sometimes I struggle....

It's hard to understand God's master plan. 

It's all perfect the yoga teacher says.

Today the perfection is hidden behind the struggles

like the sun hidden behind the clouds. 

Sometimes I struggle....

The shadow emotions hit me like a tidal wave. 

The wind gets knocked out of me. 

Dear God... I'm trying to have faith.

I try to remember your Grace that flows so abundantly some days.

Today is just one moment. 

Tomorrow another. 

Sometimes I struggle....

I am not the general contractor of the universe

that position is already filled.

Arrogance is behind my desire for life to be different than what it is.

After all how can I presume to know better than God how things should be. 

Sometimes I struggle....

I want to fight against the injustice and injury. 

I want to cry at the sadness. 

My tears wash away the ego that clouds my inner vision.

It's all in God's hands.  

Sometimes I struggle...

Then I remember the power behind it all.

"Know him to be enshrined in your heart always.

Truly there is nothing more in life to know.

Meditate and realize this world

is filled with the presence of God." 

(Shvetashvatara Upanishad) 

This is not what I imagined

Wow!  It's been so long since I posted that I forgot my password!  It's been a whirlwind year for me. My life has been turned inside out and upside down.  Good, bad and ugly and everything in between could be used to describe my adventures in this game we call life.  I feel like I've walked through the fires of hell and at the same time I have felt a tremendous sense of freedom.   Life is so strange.

Perhaps it's the effects of Mercury retrograde but tonight I find myself reviewing all the changes that have happened this past year.  I'm remembering moments of deep despair when I felt like the world was coming to an end.  I'm remembering moments of lightness when I felt like my heart would burst with joy.  "I never imagined my life would be like this." I would repeat over and over.   This is not how I planned things.  That's when I remember all those mornings sitting in front of the alter.  That's when I remember offering my life in service to God.   "Not my will but thy will be done" was my mantra for years.  Seated at the Divine Mother's feet I would pray, "let my hands be your hands, let my words be your words, let me life be your instrument."

Through all the chaos and confusion, through all the laughter and joy, through all the fear and worry, and through moments of pure bliss, the common thread that was pulling me through life was the Divine Mother.  Just as a child is comforted in her mother's embrace I too was comforted when I remembered the love of the Divine Mother.  In  fear I tried to remember Her,  In joy I tried to remember Her. My life is not at all what I had imagined it would be yet I feel an incredible sense of gratitude.

During a perfectly ordinary moment today I realized that my morning prayer was heard.  My life is not at all what I imagined it to be.  How could it be?  How could I ever imagine what God had in store for me?   During a perfectly ordinary moment today I felt the comfort of Ma's embrace.  From the outside the past year seems tragic, and chaotic and messy.  From the inside, when I could rest in the knowledge that I am ever in Ma's embrace, it was fluid and beautiful.

"Remember, always, there is an Intelligence which

pervades all of nature, and It knows best how to work.

It even knows what is best for us.  We do the best we

can to prepare ourselves for the reception of God's Grace,

and then

We relax, firm in the assurance that all is well."

~ Roy Eugene Davis