Where do you stand?

Witnessing this moment in our country's history I osculate between horror and hope.  

Story after story of systemic racism breaks my heart daily.

Peaceful protests - arms linked in solidarity fill me with hope.

People I love and respect defending and justifying violence disgusts me. 

People I love and respect pledging to protect and support our marginalized brothers and sisters inspires me. 

Speeches that vomit hatred for another in the name of religion are vile. 

Actions of love, respect and service to another need no public declaration - God is there. 

I lose faith in humanity when I see someone being treated less than human. 

The resilience of the human spirit gives me strength and courage to keep extending my hand in service. 

The roots of hatred are so deep. It's overwhelming. 

It feels like we're digging up the roots of an ancient oak tree with a plastic beach shovel. 

But the mighty oak tree started as infinite potential stored in a tiny acorn.  

In this moment, we hold in our hands the same infinite potential for love and mutual respect. 

Like the tiny acorn, we are right now buried in darkness. We must allow ourselves to soften, be broken open, and continue to reach for light. 

Witnessing this moment in our country's history begs the question....What side of history do you want to be on?   Are you contributing to the horror or the hope?  How does your choice feel? 

Our shared belief

Those of you who know me know that I have very strong opinions.  I even joke about my strong opinions on things that don't fit neatly into one of my mentally constructed boxes.  My opinions and my values are very clear to me.  Things are either right or wrong, up or down, hot or cold, good or bad.... I could go on but you get the picture.

The practice of  acknowledging and examining my strongly held beliefs has been daunting and difficult but imperative.  Each day, I strive to be a better version of myself than I was the day before.  That requires I take a good hard look at my thoughts and beliefs.  The beauty of this bat-shit crazy human life is that we have the ability to evolve and grow.  It's not an easy process but nothing worth doing is ever easy.

It's overwhelming to see all the injustice and evil in the world.  The problems seem insurmountable.
I often times feel like I'm losing faith in humanity.  How can there be so much evil in this world?  I honestly, don't understand.  My heart breaks day after day. I feel powerless.

Watching the video of a cop murdering a handcuffed black man on the street was horrifying.  There's no doubt that what we all witnessed in that video was evil.   That's clear.  What's not clear to me is how anyone can defend the man who murdered George Floyd.  What's not clear to me is how the other cops can stand there and do nothing.  I can't even find the words to express the rage and sadness that I feel that this happened AGAIN. 

I have a teenage son. He's 17 years old and believes he's invincible as most teenage boys do. Whenever he leaves the house I worry as most mothers do. What I can't stop thinking about is the terror a mother of a black child must feel every time her child leaves the house.  When I look at my children I see your children too. 

The rage and sadness I'm feeling today is making it difficult for me to find the words so please forgive me as I must speak bluntly.  Until we all examine our belief that one life is more valuable than another NONE of our children are safe from evil.  Until we look at each other and see ourselves NONE of us are safe from evil.   We cannot heal the world around us and right the injustices until we acknowledge and examine that strongly held belief that "WE" are more valuable than "THEM". 

I don't give a damn what color you are, what religion you are, what political party you align yourself with, I don't give a damn whether you are straight or gay or both.  I don't give a damn how much money you have or how educated you are.  WE ARE THEM!! WE ARE ALL HUMAN BEINGS!!! 

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PEOPLE!!! WAKE THE FUCK UP!!

We must hold each other and ourselves accountable for not only our actions but the subtle underlying beliefs that contribute to the injustices in the world around us.  The practice of self-inquiry may show you some belief that you weren't even conscious of.  It may show you a belief that you are ashamed of or feel guilty about.  It may be a belief that is really hard to look at.  What matters now is acknowledging and taking responsibility.  We all have the ability to evolve and grow or to stick our heads in the sand and pretend that we aren't part of the problem.  The choice is yours. 

I am you and you are me. This must become our shared belief. 

The man with the conch shell

I recently ran into a man that I had met only once a couple of years ago.  I greeted him with "it's nice to see you again."  To which he replied "it's nice to be seen."   That simple statement "it's nice to be seen." has been rolling around in my head for a couple of weeks now.  It reminded me of Mrs. Greene, the principle at the elementary school.

Mrs. Greene and I didn't always see eye to eye when Tayler was at Overlook but the year Jake started I had a change of heart.  It was Mrs. Greene who introduced me, and the whole school, to an African word, "Ubantu".   Ubantu, she explained, was a way to say I see you.  You are because I am.  It is a reminder of our shared humanity.   When children are acting out  they are seeking attention.  When Mrs. Greene would notice students not getting along she would say "Ubantu" to remind the children of the Ubantu philosophy:  I see you.  You and I are one.  She felt that if the children felt "seen" they would have less reason to act out. 

I've spent most of my life hiding.  Doing my best to blend into the background.  I choose the spot in the back of the room always.   I cringe when the Facebook notification says "someone has tagged you in a photo" And yet, there is an innate need to be seen.  

"It's nice to be seen" 

It is this innate need to be seen that causes some people to be boastful.  To be honest, I mentally slap people who act like Peacocks displaying their feathers.  I'm not proud of it but it's true.  I have no tolerance for people that constantly want to be the center of attention.  I want to scream at them: 

"YOU ARE NOT THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE!!" I hear myself thinking "Get over yourself'" when someone is trying hard to impress me with how wonderful they are and how much they have accomplished. Then I beat myself up for being so mean.  I tell myself that it's the green eyed monster of jealousy that is making me feel so irritated.   

In a moment of clarity I recognize myself in those peacocks.  I remember our shared humanity, Ubantu.  I remember that the same innate human desire to be seen is in me and in you.  How we express this desire may be different but it comes from the same place.  

It's nice to be seen but I have no control over what others see in me.  Instead, I will focus on making an effort to be more present with others so that I may SEE beyond the ego personality.   Who ARE we beyond our ego personality?  Can I see that within myself? Can I see it in others?  What does it feel like to really be seen?   

Ubantu... I see you.  I'm grateful to the man with the conch shell who reminded me "It's nice to be seen." 

Compassion

"Where's the compassion?"  I've spent a lot time thinking about  compassion since that question was posed to me.   First thing I did was look up the definition of compassion.

Compassion; noun  (online dictionary)
"sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortune of others." 

This is the one I liked the best:
"compassion literally means to suffer together." (greatergood.berkeley.edu)

Then I read a bunch of online articles about what compassion is. I consulted the Bhagavad Gita and the Upanishads.   I watched some podcasts about it.  I had resolved to learn everything I could about compassion.

At the end of my week long search I can say, with a fair amount of certainty, that where compassion is not is in my head.   What I did find in my head was a lot of negative self-talk.  I kept telling myself that I am somehow deficient in the "compassion department".   How can I feel compassion for people who have hurt me?  That's crazy!!  No way!!  I'm not feeling sorry for those people! 

Get out of your head and into your heart. 

This morning a sat for meditation with the thought that I had failed at finding compassion.  Sitting in front of my alter I prayed to the Divine Mother to show me the way.  There wasn't much time after meditation to journal. I was already running late for work but as I showered I felt myself getting angry.  

I am a compassionate person!!! and just like that... I found where compassion is.   It's in my heart.  It was as if the Divine Mother turned the light on in my heart. I could see clearly that love, empathy, and compassion are qualities of my true nature.  

Through out the day today I had flashes of memories.  Memories where I felt hurt or betrayed.    When I observed those memories I was seeing the actions of the other person.  It wasn't until I turned my focus inward towards myself that I was able to see "where the compassion was".  It was in my ability to forgive over and over.  It was in my ability to keep showing up wholeheartedly.  It was in my ability to see that the actions of the person doing the hurting were motivated by their own pain and suffering.  

The Divine Mother's light in my heart helped me to see that in my effort for self preservation I had hardened my heart.  At the time, it felt like the only way for me to free myself from the endless cycle of abuse that had become my dysfunctional marriage.  I had come to believe that my capacity for forgiveness was a sign of weakness.  I must  be stupid to have stayed in an unhealthy relationship for so long.  I was wrong, I wasn't stupid or weak.  I have compassion for the suffering of others.  I am blessed with a great capacity to "suffer together".  Feeling the pain and suffering of others as if it were my own is compassion.  

One of the articles I read said that compassion is not only feeling the suffering of others but also wanting to help.  The fact of the matter is that sometimes the most compassionate thing we can do to help someone is to show them that their actions have consequences.  I can be a compassionate person and maintain strong boundaries.  I can feel compassion for your suffering and  still hold you accountable for your actions when you use your suffering as an excuse to hurt others. 

Now, the work is to have compassion for myself and acknowledge that I am doing the very best I can.  Allowing myself to soften and open my heart again will take time, patience and self compassion.  I have faith that returning to my true nature will be worth the effort. 

"Where's the compassion?"  In the lotus of the heart.  Om Mani Padme Hum.

The Yoga of Motherhood

At yoga this morning a woman said (about motherhood) "even though it was really hard I wouldn't have it any other way. "  Her daughter is grown and she has the 20/20 vision of hindsight on her side.  My initial thought was how lucky she is that she doesn't have any regrets.

My kids are mostly grown too. My vision, however, was not as clear at first.   For a second I missed the part where she said "It was really hard..."   I sometimes regret not having the option to be a stay at home mom.  I sometimes still worry that I could have done things better. I sometimes still feel somehow deficient.  Still.... I wouldn't have it any other way.   As we all know, motherhood takes us to the brink of insanity nearly every day but it also shows us our infinity capacity to love.

As I was reflecting on my experiences with motherhood I could see very clearly that it has provided plenty of  opportunities  to practice the teachings of yoga.

Things like "non-attachment" might seem foreign to some but to a mom, it's a daily experience.
"Where's my favorite coffee mug?"  Oh... there it is in the basement with paint brushes in it.  Eating soup with a fork because all the spoons have mysteriously disappeared.  I could write a book entitled "The Nicholson mysteries"  about all the exercises in non-attachment.  The mystery of the missing spoons is just the latest edition.

Learning to stay one pointed in the midst of chaos.  There's a story of a yoga master that was able to meditate in the middle of New York City.  He's got nothing on yoga-moms.  Have you ever tried to cook dinner with kids fighting, barking dogs chasing each other while still wearing your work clothes and not loose your mind?  When I started meditating my kids were little.  I would set a timer outside my bedroom door.  It didn't take long before I'd hear whispers and then fighting on the other side of that door.  Still, I flexed my discipline muscles and continued to sit in "meditation" until the timer went off.  As I learned "one pointed concentration" my kids learned boundaries and the importance of self-care.  They may have caused chaos but they rarely opened the door.

Ever heard of ahimsa?  Ahimsa is a first principle in yoga --  Non-harming.  That might seem obvious to new moms rocking their sweet little ones who coo and smile at them all day.  It's much harder when your teenager screams "I hate you!!  you're ruining my life".  I never understood how anyone could hurt their child until..... PUBERTY.  I shudder to think what kind of mother I would have been without my yoga practice.

All I ever really wanted from the yoga practice was equanimity of mind.  I wanted to be able to maintain composure regardless of what was going on around me.   Lucky for me God is generous and gives me lots of chances to practice.  From, everyday chances like when the dog destroys yet another sofa to extreme chances like when my daughter nearly dies in childbirth.  What I've learned is that although it's important to maintain composure in the moment it's also important that we acknowledge our emotions and allow ourselves to feel them.... Even if that means meltdowns in the shower.  Teaching little kids how to deal with really BIG emotions is done by example.   If we don't allow our children to see us feeling our feelings then they grow up without the tools to process their own.  This is one of the many balancing "poses" moms practice daily.  The balance between maintaining composure so that kids feel safe but also allowing them to see us feeling our feelings.

Perhaps the most interesting experience of motherhood is the ability to hold two opposing emotions at the same time. The moment you can feel so much love that your heart could burst and at the same time wanting to loose your shit when you see your daughter carved "I love you Mom" on your beautiful wood dining room table.  The moment  your kid comes home way past curfew and you feel relief that they are still alive and at the same time wanting to kill them for ignoring curfew.   How about that feeling of pride when you see what truly great humans your kids are and at the same time feeling so much guilt and self doubt worrying about all the mistakes you've made.

Every motherhood moment is simultaneously filled with the greatest joy you've ever known and with the most overwhelming fear and anxiety.  Motherhood is not "having no regrets"   It's about doing the best you can.  It's about loving fiercely.

"Even though it's really hard, I wouldn't have it any other way."   I couldn't agree more, Vicki.

Are you opening or closing? How does your choice feel?

I've often said that the greatest gift yoga has given me is the connections that I've made with some truly wonderful people.  Today was the perfect example.  After teaching yoga I had tea with a couple of the ladies that came to class.  It didn't take long to realize that God was serving the tea today. Turns out these two lovely ladies have walked in my shoes.  It was so helpful to hear their stories.

One of the women talked about her experience walking the Camino De Santiago.  The greatest lesson she learned during the Camino pilgrimage was how important it is for her to foster and nurture the relationships that are important to her.  The other woman talked about how close she is with her children.  How even though they don't get to spend a lot of time physically together she feels very connected to them.

With many of my relationships coming to an end and others strained I've been feeling disconnected. It seems easier to isolate rather than engage with people.  Endings seem inevitable so I wonder if it's even worth the effort of trying to connect with others.  Today I was reminded that personal connections feed my soul.  Spending time with people I love and care about is worth the effort.  What I hadn't considered before was that even the brief encounters are worth the effort.

As we sat outside the coffee shop a group of older women walked by.  One sassy lady stopped at our table and asked if we were enjoying our meal.  She was quite a character.  Dressed in her "Sunday Best",  she joked about watching her weight.  She was full of life and her cheerful demeanor made me smile.  I'll probably never see that woman again but she left an impression on me.  She was enjoying the summer afternoon with some friends... Maybe they were life long friends or maybe they just met. It didn't matter, they were enjoying each others company.

During meditation we are instructed to give our attention more to the mantra and less to the thoughts.  The thoughts will come and go but we continue to give our attention to the mantra.  Eventually, the thoughts become less and less distracting.  "What you give your attention to grows stronger in your life." 

This lesson holds true in daily living too.  We give attention to the relationships and connections that feed our soul.  There will be relationships that come and go.  There will be relationships that are very much one sided.  Rather than focusing on those experiences maybe we need to shift our focus to where we do feel connected.  "What you give your attention to grows stronger in your life."

I'm thinking now of Betheyla.  She was a teacher that I met years ago.  At the time, I had no idea the impact of that brief encounter on my life.  I can assure you that she had no idea how powerfully she affected the course of my life.  We just never know how much our connections affect others both the brief ones and the life long ones.

That sassy lady won't ever know how she made us smile and how her presence validated the message of the importance of nurturing and fostering connections. Whether brief or life long connections it's worth the effort.  For the 3rd time in 3 days I thought about the astrologer who told me it's my dharma to share the word of God with others.

Only now I'm realizing what that meant.  God is always sharing his message with us.  He speaks through the people we connect with.  We are all God's instruments.  It is our dharma to share the word of God with others.  How could we possibly do that if we don't foster and nurture our relationships with others?

Love anyway.

When does the practice of Svadhyaya, self-inquiry, become obsession and self-destructive?  It's interesting to me that even the spiritual practices can become a hindrance.  These practices we engage as a means to bring us closer to the Divine can become tools for the ego to take us further away from God.  

I came across the picture above on the 100 days of Beauty facebook page. The page was started as a way to share my sadhana to Venus with others and to hold myself accountable.I had committed to looking for beauty everyday for 100 days. With the help of my friends, the posts on the page have inspired me and filled my life with so much beauty.  When I struggle to see beauty in the chaos of my own life it helps me to see the beauty others have found.  

This picture, struck a nerve though.  I have been contemplating love a great deal lately.  I've used this idea of self-inquiry to examine my relationship with love.  But self-inquiry has turned into self-destruction.  I have been picking myself apart for not being able to love good enough and not being lovable enough. It's the same song and dance. I'm not enough.  If only I had not said this.  If only I had done that. If only I was more like this or less like that then I'd be lovable.  

This self-destruction disguised as self-inquiry has even gone so far as to point out how stupid I am for loving people when they don't love me back.  How stupid can I be to continue to feel love for someone who clearly doesn't feel the same about me?  

Then today, I came across this picture.  I'm reading a book by St. Teresa of Avila so when I was scrolling through the posts this one jumped out at me.   Love cannot be bought.  It can't be stolen, it cannot be cajoled, it cannot be seduced.  Only genuine love begets love. 

How do we know if it's genuine love we are feeling or we're trying to seduce or cajole?  How do we know if it's genuine love or co-dependency? If my love doesn't beget love does that mean its not genuine?

If I love you six units and you don't return six units and I don't withdraw my six units does that make me stupid or does that mean it's genuine love?   How do we know if it's genuine love or simply an inability to let go?  I tend to get attached to people.  When they inevitably disappear from my life I suffer.  My head says that I should withdraw my "six units of love".  My heart doesn't agree. 

My teacher says, the heart is the gateway between our humanity and our Divinity.  Seems to me that it's also the gateway to mass confusion for some of us.  

How can we tell if it's genuine love we feel or unhealthy attachment? 

St. Teresa says that if we don't learn to love we will suffer.  My experience has been that even if we do love we may still suffer.  Or... Does the fact that it's causing suffering mean it's not genuine? 

Maybe I am stupid.  Maybe I am too attached to people.  Maybe it is unhealthy to be attached to people who don't, for whatever reason, offer the same six units of love back to me. 

I'll follow my heart instead of my ego and error on the side of love.  I will follow the example of the Saints and Sages and continue to offer my heart.  As long as my motivation for love is genuine and unconditional whether or not it's returned or received the way I intend is none of my business. 

Love begets love.... But even if it doesn't, love anyway. 

Being able to love even after your heart has been broken into a million pieces is a beautiful thing.  Having the tools to recognize that the same song and dance of the ego no longer serve me is a beautiful thing. 

We are made in the image of God.  How can we ever be "not good enough"?    

Is it worth it?

Had I known the depths that my yoga practice would take me I doubt I would have had the courage to step foot on the mat.  Truth be told, I started taking yoga classes as a way of relieving stress.  I was in search of love and light and cotton candy.  I was bound and determined to be peaceful and happy even if it kills me.  Some days, it seems that my practice is doing just that... killing me.  In reality, it is killing "Me".

In yoga-land they use the analogy of peeling away the layers of an onion to describe the peeling away of the masks and stories that we have created around this idea of what or who "Me" is.   When I peel an onion it makes me cry.  The same is true with the peeling away of the layers of "Me". There are inevitably tears and pain involved when we start to peel away the masks.  We feel raw and vulnerable.  There's also fear.  Fear of what's underneath the  mask and stories of our lives?  How will people react to me without the mask?  Who am I under the stories and masks?

What keeps us peeling away, despite the pain and fear, is the promise of discovering who we really are at our core.   What is the essence of who we are without the stories, without the masks?  It's the promise of nirvana or bliss that keeps us returning to the painful practice of peeling away.  Some days I want to give up.  Some days it seems the onion has no many layers that I'll never reach the center.
Other days, I feel lighter for having discarded so many layers already and I feel inspired to keep going.

It seems to me that the beginning layers peel away rather easy.  It actually feels liberating and freeing to let go of the story that I needed to live up to the standards set by Betty Crocker or Martha Stewart or Leave it to Beaver's mom.   The beginning layers are more superficial.  As you let go you feel invigorated and it propels you onward.  Like peeling paint from the front porch.  At first, the pieces that weren't so attached come away easy and I think to myself  "How hard could it be?".

Once the superficial layers get cleared away you start to work on the layers that have been there a little longer.  These stories and masks are ones that we have been carrying for a lot longer and we're more attached to.  They get harder to shake loose.  We start to question whether or not it's worth the effort to remove them or maybe, like the front porch, we want to just paint over those layers and pray for the best.

This journey of self-discovery is not for the faint of heart.  The deeper our practice is  the deeper it takes us into the dark corners of our minds.  At some point, we reach those stories that we are sure are entwined into the very fibers of our being.  How will I ever peel those away?

While peeling away the paint on the porch, we got to a point where some of the wood was coming away with the paint.   That's what it feels like for me right now.  It feels like some of the very fibers of my being are being peeled away along with the story.  The pain feels more like grief.  Grief is a natural response to loss. Even if the loss is just a story of who we thought we were.  I didn't, however, expect grief to be a part of the practice that was suppose to bring me to love and light and cotton candy.

There is fear, and vulnerability in the rawness of letting go of these deep layers of the story of "Me". Who will I be when this layer is gone?  This story is, by far, the most painful to let go of.  Will I have the courage and strength to tackle the next one?  How much more pain and grief must I endure before I reach this elusive state of bliss?  Is it even worth the effort?  Today, I surrender to the feet of the Divine Mother who soothes all pain and grief.

Love is a verb

Today someone said "Love is a verb. An action word not a noun."  I immediately had a flash back to Catholic elementary school.  Verbs are underlined in red pen and nouns are circled.   If the sentence is:  I love you.  It's obvious the word love would get underlined.  Why have I never given this any thought?   At what point did love become a feeling instead of an action word?

The thought that hijacked my brain today is "What is the action that I take that is love?"   How would you answer that question?  Go ahead and tell me.. I really want to know.   In yoga-land in particular people are always proclaiming their love for each other.  That's the easy part.  Saying I love you is easy.  But what's the action behind the words?

Over the past year there have been multiple occasions when I needed help.  Help with things like home repairs, broken down cars, learning how to use that DAMN weed wacker!  I needed help. I'm not really comfortable asking for help.  I have this belief, I'll admit a stupid one, but a belief that people should be paying attention and should just realize that I need help.  When I realized that wasn't getting me anywhere I swallowed my pride and reached out.  So many people tell me they love me and offer their assistance.  "If I can help you in anyway, call me."  Sadly, I discovered that those were mostly empty words.   I have certainly learned who my friends are and who I can actually count on this past year.

Don't worry.... I'm not trying to make anyone feel guilty... The point I'm trying to make is that I have learned how to love through this experience.  I learned  not to  offer my help or love unless I'm prepared to back it up with action.  Something weird happened to me.  One day, after my frustration and mental temper tantrum completely wore me out, I realized that the reason I'm experiencing these things is to teach me valuable lessons.  (yes, I know, I'm a slow learner!) Like when I feel sad that my kids don't have dinner with me I  remember how that feels when my own mom calls and asks me to go have dinner with her.  Even if I'm tired and I'd rather stay in I remember how the feeling and I go.  That's an action of love.

Love is a verb.  The action is to live your life in such a way that everyone around you feels your love. Then, words won't be necessary when our actions transit love.  It's not enough to say  "Love is the best medicine"  Even the best medicine in the world won't cure you if you don't take it.  Love is verb.  There must be an action that makes "love the best medicine".  

Just to be clear... The action of love doesn't have to some grand, dramatic gesture. Some of the most profound actions of love have been things like, a woman I hardly knew saw the severe burn on my hand and offered me some burn cream.  Another woman who volunteered to come to house in the middle of a heat wave to help me sand my front porch.   A friend who showed up my door with her tiller and car filled with tomato plants who worked her ass off to help me plant my garden after my surgery.  Someone's parents who extended a hand to help my daughter with her car.  There were others... but these random acts of kindness are love in action.

I ask you again,... What is the action that you  take that is love?   Love is verb, not a noun.

This is not what I imagined

Wow!  It's been so long since I posted that I forgot my password!  It's been a whirlwind year for me. My life has been turned inside out and upside down.  Good, bad and ugly and everything in between could be used to describe my adventures in this game we call life.  I feel like I've walked through the fires of hell and at the same time I have felt a tremendous sense of freedom.   Life is so strange.

Perhaps it's the effects of Mercury retrograde but tonight I find myself reviewing all the changes that have happened this past year.  I'm remembering moments of deep despair when I felt like the world was coming to an end.  I'm remembering moments of lightness when I felt like my heart would burst with joy.  "I never imagined my life would be like this." I would repeat over and over.   This is not how I planned things.  That's when I remember all those mornings sitting in front of the alter.  That's when I remember offering my life in service to God.   "Not my will but thy will be done" was my mantra for years.  Seated at the Divine Mother's feet I would pray, "let my hands be your hands, let my words be your words, let me life be your instrument."

Through all the chaos and confusion, through all the laughter and joy, through all the fear and worry, and through moments of pure bliss, the common thread that was pulling me through life was the Divine Mother.  Just as a child is comforted in her mother's embrace I too was comforted when I remembered the love of the Divine Mother.  In  fear I tried to remember Her,  In joy I tried to remember Her. My life is not at all what I had imagined it would be yet I feel an incredible sense of gratitude.

During a perfectly ordinary moment today I realized that my morning prayer was heard.  My life is not at all what I imagined it to be.  How could it be?  How could I ever imagine what God had in store for me?   During a perfectly ordinary moment today I felt the comfort of Ma's embrace.  From the outside the past year seems tragic, and chaotic and messy.  From the inside, when I could rest in the knowledge that I am ever in Ma's embrace, it was fluid and beautiful.

"Remember, always, there is an Intelligence which

pervades all of nature, and It knows best how to work.

It even knows what is best for us.  We do the best we

can to prepare ourselves for the reception of God's Grace,

and then

We relax, firm in the assurance that all is well."

~ Roy Eugene Davis

The other side of the mat

For years I've been attending the early morning yoga retreat week that happens at the change of each season.  For the last couple of years it's been the only time I get to practice with my favorite yoga teacher.  So when my favorite yoga teacher asked if I would lead the spring retreat week I was both disappointed (that I wouldn't get to practice with him) and at the same time incredibly honored and excited to lead it. The anxiety and nerves came later. 

As a student participating in the retreat  I have had first hand experience of it's profound nature. I wasn't, however, prepared for the profound revelation I would experience from the other side of the mat.  

Today is day 3 so the focus of the practice is the heart center.  I was nervous about setting the intention for our practice today.  The struggles with the heart center have been plentiful so it took quite a bit of introspection to try to find words that would inspire a yoga practice.  It reminded me of how inadequate words are. Nevertheless, together, the group shared their thoughts and ideas related to the Anahata Chakra (the heart center). Somehow, through the joint effort of the group, inspiration

was created. 

As I was leading the group through the asana practice I was experiencing a very powerful inner revelation! An intense moment of clarity that I was not prepared for.  I was, after all, in the middle of leading a practice!!  "God, can you hold please?"  "This is really not a good time for me to get distracted!!"  Still, the message persisted.  

What choice did I have but to flow with the message...Open your heart to receive love. 

Whether from yourself or someone else.  Be open to receive.  

My mind quickly races in with reasons why I can't do that.  Why it's not safe to open your heart. 

The mind is such a powerful persuader.  Opening our hearts puts us in a very vulnerable position. 

I would venture to say that feeling vulnerable because of previous hurts is a fairly common experience and it is a convincing argument to keep the heart closed.  Especially if, like me you have 

the false belief that you can still give love without fulling opening your heart.  Sort of like "selective numbing". 

The more disturbing reason my mind came up with is that I'm not worthy of receiving love.  When one of the students was sharing this morning she talked about negative self talk.  I suggested that she ask herself is any of it is true.  I suppose I should start there myself.   My initial response is to try to figure out why I have this belief.  Where did it come from?  How long have I carried this belief? How has it impacted me?  And, of course, who's to blame? 

Instead, today I will simply recognize it as a false belief that does not serve me and release it.  It's a burden I suspect I've carried for lifetimes.  It's too heavy to carry anymore.  

I am worthy of receiving love and I will continue to open my heart to receive it.  When I feel myself closing down I will gently remind myself that I am worthy.  Combining this new practice of opening to receive love seems to go hand in hand with my practice of accepting only what is being offered freely.  Being receptive rather than reaching will be the theme.

I'm remembering something I read in David Frawley's book about Soma.  It said something like the sun represents our striving towards God and the moon represents the Grace of God flowing towards us.  Maybe the moon practices that I've been doing were preparing me for this revelation. 

From Darkness to Light

From darkness to light

Woke up during the night with a nagging sense of lack. 

I got out of my warm, comfy bed when the nagging feeling persisted.  

Walking into the kitchen, where I prepared our dinner earlier,

With the flick of the switch I have light.

Turning on the faucet I fill a glass with clean drinking water. 

"You're not doing a good job", "You need to do more", "What if 

there isn't enough?"  

The nagging, persistent thoughts continue. 

Before going back to my warm, comfy bed I check on the kids.

My healthy children are tucked into their warm comfy beds,

 sleeping soundly. 

As I crawl back under the warm, clean blanket on my warm comfy bed

I listen to the furnace working hard to heat the home where my healthy,

happy family is fast asleep in their own beds under their own warm

blankets with their bellies full of the meal we shared together.  

I try my best to get back to sleep. 

 Pushing away the nagging thoughts only makes them stronger.  

Then I remember the mantra... My saving Grace. 

In between the mantra and the thoughts of lack there's Grace.

It's there, in the Grace, that I heard the whispers of the Divine.

" It is the mind that frees us or enslaves..." 

It's the mind that senses lack 

It's in the heart that Love resides. 

Change the focus from the mind to the heart

A shift in perspective happens

The sense lack shifts to an enormous sense of gratitude. 

Gratitude for the what I do have.  Gratitude for my teachers that have 

pointed me in the direction of my heart and taught me the tools I need to

see and feel the guidance and Grace of the Divine 

I drift off to sleep in my warm, comfy bed with a shift in perspective. 

Lessons learned in failure.

We are up to our elbows in wedding planning. My daughter is getting married!  So much time is spent planning the perfect day.  Much thought is given to every detail.  Which flowers, what color, invitations must be just right. Do the table clothes match the napkins.  We can't just pick a cake, we need to have a tasting first. It takes at least a year to plan a wedding.   How much thought is given to what happens after the wedding?

The top of the wedding cake is in the freezer, the thank you notes are mailed.  Now what?  Most people spend more time planning the wedding than they do planning how they will join their lives together.  

I want to give my daughter and future son-in-law some advice. I want to share the lessons I've learned in failure.   Hindsight, they say, is 20/20.   

Before beginning a journey together, decide together where you're going.  Sit down and put into words what you value most in life.  What are those core values that you are not willing to compromise on.  Life gets busy and we get sidetracked and sometimes we forget.  Create a mission statement for your family.  Hang it up in your bedroom.  Let it be your first thought in the morning and your last thought at the end of a long day.  

It's important to know what compromise actually means.  I've come to learn that compromise is not "giving in".  It's not someone wins while the other loses.  There will be many disagreements even in a healthy relationship,   The key is how you handle them.  Fighting isn't the problem, not knowing how to fight is the problem.  Compromise means being willing to listen and consider what the other person is saying and then trying to find some common ground.  It's in the common ground that the solution is always found.  A guest on the Oprah show said that when you are in a relationship you gain a second set of eyes.  Be open to seeing things from your partner's perspective.  Recognizing that they are your second set of eyes.  During a disagreement ask your partner "What are you seeing that I'm not".  

Avoid, at all cost, keeping a score card. You are both working towards the same goal. 

(remember the mission statement for your family) You are on the same team.  If one loses, you both lose.  A win for one is a win for both.  Help each other be the best person you can be.  Build each other up, don't tear each other down.  Remember if one loses you both lose.  

Communication is the key to both success and failure.  Remember that words are like toothpaste, Once they're out they can never be taken back.  That doesn't mean holding back your feelings to avoid a fight, that causes anger and resentment.  It doesn't mean using your words like a baseball bat. They leave a ripple in the heart of your partner that can never be smoothed out. It means learning to talk openly and honestly to your partner about what you need and how you feel.  For that to happen there needs to be trust. 

 Protect each others heart and soul as if  you have been entrusted with the most precious jewels in the world.  Because you have.  Ask your partner what they need to be their best self and then help them achieve their best.  When each partner values the other and supports the other to become their best self everyone wins. Experience your partners joys and successes are if they were your own. 

At the end of the day.... Remember you are both on the same team working towards the same goals. Strengthen the each other because the strength of a family and a future depends on the strength of the foundation.  

The Naked Yogi

I've had these seemingly random thoughts swirling around in my head.  I couldn't make sense of them. Something was missing that would link these thoughts.  I have tried writing.  Sometimes the act of putting the words into sentences helps me make sense of the thoughts.  This time the missing link continued to elude me.

I seriously do my best thinking in the shower. As I was shampooing the missing link become clear. 

The missing link:

Self-acceptance

I recently told a friend that I felt  like it's time to stand naked in the middle of my life. The emotions that this thought brought up is fear, shame, and mostly vulnerability.  What I didn't expect at first is the exhilarating feeling of liberation and freedom that may result from this act of "standing naked in the middle of my life".    (Disclaimer: don't worry children, you will not come home to find your mother on the front lawn naked chanting to the moon)

I realized that my fascination with the TV show "My strange addiction" is rooted in this idea of bringing those parts of ourselves that we keep hidden in the deepest, darkest parts of ourselves out into the light.  Once we allow our souls to be bathed in light we can begin the process of self-acceptance.

At first, I watched the people on "My Strange Addiction" and "My big fat fabulous life" thinking that the missing link was courage.  I was wrong.  First comes vulnerability, then comes self-acceptance.  We accept our vulnerability.  THEN...comes having the courage to "stand naked in the middle of your life".   The result.... Liberation and Freedom.

When we stop hiding who we are we free up so much energy.  We can put this energy into living our life fully and completely. 

Struggling with weight my entire adult life I know all about the energy it takes to hide.  I'm always trying to blend into the background.  Never wanting to draw attention to myself.  I'm always pulling my clothes down, always covering up.  It's exhausting.  So often hiding has held me back from having fun and enjoying my life.  

Standing naked in the middle of your life is scary as hell, no doubt. But once the initial shock has passed imagine the freedom you'll feel.  You don't have to worry about your shirt riding up in your yoga class and exposing your fluffy belly. You can focus on the bliss of that deep back-bend!!

So.. to recap... Here's the recipe for living your best life:

1. acknowledge your vulnerability

2. practice self-acceptance

3. have the courage to  bring your deepest, darkest parts of yourself to the surface

Then - Stand naked in the middle of your life secure in the knowledge that the Grace of God is bathing you in love and light.  This is the liberation we all seek.  (in my humble opinion)

Hari Om!

Love is the product

Love is the product

It isn't something to buy

It can't be forced

It can't be demanded

Love is the product 

Love is the result

of doing the hard work

What's the hard work? 

digesting our experiences

Both good and bad

Each experience of our life is the work

We integrate what we need to grow and 

release what does not serve

 and

Love...is the product

We can't skip over the work and pretend

it's love. 

We aren't flawed if we feel anger,

fear, shame, guilt.... these are valuable emotions

that we can't run away from

Digest these too

learn the lesson being offered by each emotion

and then release them

Love is the product

It's the result

Love is what comes when we learn to digest ALL 

human experiences, the light and the darkness

Love is the product

it's not all cotton candy, fairies and unicorns

Love is result of facing fear head on 

Love is the result of fighting the righteous fight

Facing the darkness is sometimes required

Meditation/yoga/prayer/self-inquiry 

these are the practices by which our experiences are digested

Love is the product 

Don't despair if you aren't feeling Love....

Focus on doing the work and remember

Love is the product