Being human is hard

I'm feeling the inspiration to write and share my thoughts for the first time in months.  I want to speak my truth.  I want to express myself freely and authentically.  My old friend, self-doubt, whispers in my ear ... "remember what happened that time you spoke your mind?"   

It's been my experience that whenever I speak the truth in my heart  people get mad at me.  Years ago an astrologer told me that I need to take public speaking classes.  He told me it's my dharma to speak the word of God.   I laughed.  How can I speak the word of God to others when no one listens to me? How do I know if what I feel compelled to speak is the word of God or just my ego? 

My old friend, self-doubt, whispers in my ear...."why would anyone care to listen?"  "What could you possible contribute?"  "What could you say that hasn't already been said by someone else better?" 

I'm feeling the inspiration to write and share my thoughts for the first time in months.  At the same time, My old friend, self-doubt whispers in my ear... "Aren't there enough people mad at you already?" 

I've had this recurring dream for years now.   The details change but the essence of the dream is always the same.  I find myself in a crowded place like the mall,  sports event, or even the bank. I become aware that some sort of violence about to take place.  I'm the only one who notices. I try to warn people but no one is paying attention.  No one is listening.  I try frantically to get people's attention without getting myself killed.  At times it seems like I have to choose between protecting myself or protecting others.  I'm trying to protect others without bringing any attention to myself.

In the dream, and in my life it seems, when I feel strongly compelled to say something that I know to be my authentic truth I am faced with that same decision.  Do I speak up in an effort to protect others when I know that ultimately, it may hurt me?  I can't really explain it.  At times, the feeling that I need to say something is so strong.  The feeling is persistent.  It's like being in that dream knowing that if I don't speak up someone is going to get hurt.   That's the only way I can explain it.   The thing is that in the waking state the danger isn't so obvious. That's what makes it harder to decide if what I'm feeling compelled to share is worth the risk.  

It's late, I'm not making any sense.  Tonight, it doesn't feel like what I have to say is worth the risk. Instead of  sharing the rant that hijacked my mind the last couple of  days I'll leave you with a few questions to ponder.

*  Is enlightenment for sale? 

*  What are the qualifications to call yourself a master? 

*  Can you buy healing? 

*  Why is there a price tag on sangha? 

*  With so many "masters" and "healers" in yoga-land why is the world still so fucked up? 

*  Will we repair our  moral compass or are we destined for complete self-destruction? 

Being human is hard.  I'm trying to feel compassion for people who are doing things that make me want to smack them.   I remind myself that being human is hard for all of us.  We're all fighting demons, we're all trying to "win" at this game called life.   What makes the game so hard is that it seems we all have different rules.  Imagine playing the game Life but using  Monopoly pieces and the rules from Twister.  

Om Namah Shivaya