Get out your #2 pencils

"I have test anxiety" declares my daughter. "I know the material until it's time to take the test". I know how she feels. I feel exactly the same way right now. I know the yoga lessons I've been studying but when the test comes I feel like I fail.

It seems that the universe is giving me one big test after another with no time for me to catch my breath in between.

The test has been handed out and I'm sitting there staring at the questions....

How do you stay grounded when you're standing in quick sand?
How do you trust when you have been deceived?
How do you keep forgiving over and over without feeling like a fool?
How do you practice contentment when things around you are falling apart?
How do you keep your heart open when every ounce of your being wants to shut down?

The tests keep coming; only the answers escape me. Anxiety reaches an all time high.
The advice I give my daughter "Ask for help. Don't wait till it's too late." Does that advice
apply to me too?

I take my own advice. I bow at the foot of the Divine Mother and ask for guidance. I once again experience the power of sadhana (spiritual practice). The only thing I need to remember for the test is that the answers can only be found within and the study guide is sadhana.

Sadhana is what grounds me.
The Divine is where I place my trust.
I forgive even if it means I'm a fool and then I forgive myself.
Contentment comes from trusting in the bigger picture even when I may not be able to see it from this vantage point. When things fall apart the universe is making room for something else.
An open heart is the channel in which the Grace of the Divine flows.

The answers are only found within and sadhana is the way to find the answers. We continue moving forward, even when we can't see the road in front of us, trusting in the support of the Divine. It's only when we stop moving forward that we truly fail.

Feeling uncomfortable

When emotions come up during meditation we're told to recognize them, feel them and then let them go. The search to learn the method for letting them go has
been my primary focus. Today I realized that my eagerness to find the way to let go is driven by my desire to bypass the 'feel them' step.

I'm not comfortable with emotions. Which is ironic considering the fact that I am extremely emotional.

The question is always, what do I do with the emotions? Only today did it occur to me that maybe the answer is to feel them. Mostly I prefer avoidance. Especially when it comes to emotions that I have labeled 'unyogic'.

I've tried ignoring emotions. Staying so busy all the time. Doing everything for everyone. Always with a smile. All the while hoping that if I ignored what I was feeling long enough that the emotions would simply disappear.

I've tried numbing the emotions with cupcakes and cosmos. Only that lead to a vicious cycle that only caused more negative emotions.

I haven't figured out how to let go of them because letting go cannot happen until I have acknowledged the emotions, AND experienced the feeling of the emotion.

I'd like to believe that maybe the letting go will happen organically when I learn to be comfortable with whatever emotion comes up. Good or bad, regardless of how uncomfortable it is.

Sitting with peace and joy in our heart when the emotions are pleasant is the easy part. The challenge is experiencing peace and joy while sitting with some uncomfortable emotions. That seems to be the practice to focus on.

It is uncomfortable to sit with the emotions of grief, sadness, disappointment, or anger. These are normal human emotions yet we don't want to experience them. When someone is sad we want to make them happy. When someone is grieving we don't know what to do. Maybe there are important lessons for us in those emotions that we so desperately want to move past. Maybe sitting and feeling whatever it is that we're feeling is exactly what we're suppose to be doing. Maybe it's in the learning to be comfortable with ourselves in the mist of un-comfortable emotions is the practice.

Even more uncomfortable than sitting with our own emotions is having to sit with someone else's emotions. We tend to internalize other people's emotions.
Sometimes feeling responsible, somehow, for other people's emotional well being. When someone we love is upset with us we want to DO something to change how they are feeling. As if we have some control over the emotions of others.

I'm finally seeing that until I have some mastery over my own internal process there's no point in me expending energy in trying to figure out or change someone else's.

Feel what you feel even when it hurts and give thanks to God for the lessons those feelings are teaching you even when you don't know what the lesson is.

OM NAMAHA SHIVAYA!

My guru, Jake

So last week at dinner my son, Jake (who's 10yrs old), was telling his sister's boyfriend about meditation. He said "At night, before bed, I chant the mantra to the moon my mom gave me and it gives me a great night sleep." How fabulous is that?!

This is the same kid who was teaching the other kids at daycare yoga postures. One day, when he was 4 yrs old, I showed up at the daycare after work. The teacher stopped me at the door. She told me that he had all the kids sitting in a circle and he was in the middle teaching them how to do yoga.

Why am telling you these stories? Well, mostly because I'm a proud momma but also because I have come to learn a very valuable lesson from Jake. It's most effective to lead by example. What's more important than what you say is how you live. The important thing to remember is that there's no better teacher than experience.

Jake didn't need me to tell him that using mantra would give him a great night sleep. He tried it and he discovered for himself the effects of using the mantra. Now he knows it to be true for himself.

He is a regular kid, he gets fresh and cranky and makes me crazy but sometimes there are little glimpses of the incredibly wonderful yogi he's going to be. Jake's advise to Tayler's boyfriend... "You should try it"

Perhaps you'd like to try it for yourself too. Make a commitment to sit for meditation for 20 minutes every day. Chant a mantra. I'm using the Gayatri mantra. You can use the mantra to the moon Jake is using, OM SOM SOMAYA NAMAHA. Chose one and stick to it for at least 30 days.

(If you are interested in formal meditation instruction I can certainly help you with that. Send me an email with your contact info. At mirelnichols@aol.com)

Try it and see if you too have a great night sleep. There is no better teacher than experience.

The student is ready.....

I haven't taken a regular group yoga class in well over a year. I spent a lot of time being sad about the loss of my support system but then I was over it. Until this morning. I woke up today feeling the loss again. It's so weird how emotions sort of sneak up on you sometimes.

Although I've had a personal practice for many years, my regular yoga class always supported my personal practice. Up until about a year and half ago I attended at least 2 classes a week for the better part of 19 years. It was a huge part of my life to say the least.

The past year and half has been very challenging for me not only as a yoga student but also as a yoga teacher. There have been moments when I felt completely dis-enchanted with yoga. I've come to realize that what I'm disenchanted with is modern day, Americanized yoga. What I'm mourning, is the loss of the support system, the sense of community and the inspiration that I found in having a teacher.

I have given up hope that my teacher will come to his senses and return to his post as my teacher. I accepted the fact that the universe was giving me an opportunity to see that I can stand on my own two feet. My home practice is the real support system and is the place where I am most connected to the source of inspiration. I can honestly say that is true.

But today....I'm missing the rest of it.

Sharing my passion for yoga with others is almost as rewarding as my role as a mother. There's no doubt that in my work as a yoga teacher I feel the Grace of the Divine working through me. It's my role as a student of yoga that keeps the channel open to receive the flow of God's Grace.

Today, it's the student that is longing for nourishment.

The business of yoga

I've been thinking a lot about this business of being a yogi in modern times. There are unique challenges that we face today. For example, how do you promote yourself as a teacher and get students in the class without inflating your ego?

You prepare the lesson plan for the class/workshop, you select the perfect music to accompany your sequence, you light the candles and make the room inviting and then.... No one shows up. There's no doubt that it's disappointing. How do you let go of the expections and practice acceptance then?

It's a strange new world we're living in. Yoga on facebook is the perfect example. Yes, I do see the irony here as most of you are reading this post from my facebook link. Are you promoting your yoga business or inflating your ego when you post hundreds of pictures of yourself "doing yoga"? Is yoga something you do or is it a state of being?

The thought that keeps coming back to me is that yoga is not suppose to be a business. It was never intended to be a way to make a living. In there lies the problem (in my humble opinion).

Don't get me wrong; I daydream about quitting my day job and teaching yoga full time too. I dare you to find a yoga teacher who hasn't. Unfortunately, as I see it, if I had to depend on yoga teaching to pay my mortgage I would have to have a different approach to self-promotion. I would have no choice but to engage my ego more.

I appreciate the fact that some folks have chosen to walk this fine line of teaching yoga to make a living and living the yoga lifestyle. My feeling is that if we can all remember that living our yoga is the foundation we will have a better chance at growing the yoga business. The first lesson in yoga teacher training is only teach what you know. It saddens me to see how many teachers teach material that they haven't thoroughly studied and applied in their own lives.

On the flip side of that is that yoga teacher training programs should require students take continuing education classes on the topic of ethics in yoga. You would think that most of it is common sense stuff but my experience has been that reminders are needed.

Back to Facebook, if your friends are also yoga teachers is it appropriate to promote yourself on their facebook page? When all your friends are also yoga teachers how do you deal with envy among your peers? What if you are offered a teaching position that would pay you double what you make teaching other classes but you're asked to teach something you don't know intimately? Do you fake it? And if so, is that really teaching yoga? How do you build self-confidence without becoming self-absorbed?

It seems to me that the scales have been tipped and we now have more teachers than students. That's because there's this misconception that once you've completed a 200hr yoga teacher training program you suddenly become a teacher and you forget that you are still a student. The real learning begins after graduation. The learning up till that point has only been superficial. It's up to the student to deepen their study of yoga by actually practicing what was learned.

The need for real teachers is stronger than ever. A true teacher would hold the pin that would pop our inflated ego when it's getting out of control. A true teacher would offer us an example of right living. A true teacher would hold the light for us when we are lost in the dark.

Om Shri Gurubhyo Namaha!!

The sun will come out tomorrow...

It's been challenging to find the time to post regularly. In addition to the regular craziness of my life I'm currently in the middle of a year long Ayurveda Lifestyle consoler program. I'm loving every minute of the course and wish that I had more time to devote to it. I honestly feel like the information is life changing. Hopefully once I earn my certificate I'll be sharing more about Ayurveda but for now I have something else I'd like to talk about.

There's 2 things rattling around in my brain that are most pressing. Let's see if I can combine them into something that makes sense.....

Last week-end I had the privilege of offering a workshop on the moon salutation. Afterwards, I felt like I wasn't clear enough about the idea of setting intentions. What I want to say is that setting an intention isn't simply setting it and forgetting about it. When we make the commitment to do a 30 or 40 day sadhana we are committing to actively working on the intention we set for ourselves.

Let's say that our intention is to not get stuck in our emotions. The intention is set, planting the seeds for what we want to grow, then each day when we do our sadhana (spiritual practice) we reaffirm the intention. As we go about the business of our lives we water the seeds of our intention by being conscious and noticing when a strong emotion comes up. With the intention fresh in our mind from our morning practice we can chose to either let ourselves get stuck in our emotions or we can chose to recognize how fleeting they are and let them go.

Each time we make the conscious choice to reaffirm our intention by our actions we are feeding the seeds and our intention gets stronger. The stronger our little seedlings get, the more beautifully they will flower. Like our gardens, the seeds we plant with our intentions need to be tended to in order for them to bear fruit.

The example I used of not getting stuck in our emotions is the second thing I wanted to talk about. A classmate of my daughter's killed himself last week. It breaks my heart to think that this young boy felt such despair that killing himself was the only solution he could think of. How sad that he couldn't see past his current state of emotions to the fact that he had his whole life filled with endless possibilities ahead of him.

No matter how desperate our situation seems in any given moment we must remember that it's temporary. I'm remembering the story of the little hungry caterpillar. "Just when the little caterpillar thought his life was over he turned into a beautiful butterfly."

This tragic event reaffirms for me my intention of fostering community. No one should ever feel so alone and desperate that suicide seems like the only option. Asking for support is not a sign of weakness... in fact it takes great strength and courage. It's also important that we pay attention and be present in our interactions with others. Maybe the text message asking if you want to go grab a beer is actually someone reaching out for support. Don't be too busy to offer some support, even if it's only a quick phone call.

So when you are planting your seeds of intention be sure to plant seeds which will bear fruit that can be used to feed and nourish others as well as yourself.

Om Shanti Om!

Durga Ma give me strength.....

"All that evil needs to succeed is for good people to stand by and do nothing"

The last few weeks have been particularly intense. There has been a tremendous amount of harshness. I've hesitated writing because my emotions have been pretty raw and I have been accused of being hurtful and unloving at times when I speak my mind. I've been questioning the value of speaking my mind.

After much self-reflection, and examining the role of my ego in regards to recent events, I can honestly say that my motivation for calling people out on their appalling behavior is coming from a genuine desire to protect people from getting hurt.

Over and over I'm told that I need to be accepting and forgiving of others. Over and over I'm told that love is the only answer. Durga's love is the answer we need right now. Durga is a fierce warrior Goddess. She is also fiercely protective. I very much feel that intense Durga energy.

"All that evil needs to succeed is for good people to stand by and do nothing."

Admittedly, I'm no expert in Hindu mythology but I have read and heard many stories over the years. The stories tell us how the Gods and Goddesses had to stand up and fight the righteous fight and destroy the demons that were terrorizing the people.

My fear is that the good people have this misconception that they must learn to love and accept evil. 

Here's the thing.  At least as I see it.

Whether we want to accept it or not, some people are evil.  There are people in this world that want to do harm to others.  Yes, I do believe that God is in everyone and yes, I do believe everyone needs love.  However, that doesn't mean that good people need to invite evil into our homes.  That sure as hell doesn't mean that we should give evil any position of authority or leadership.

Good people need to engage their inner Durga Ma and stand up and fight for those who are unable or unwilling to fight for themselves.   A long time ago, a teacher told me that Durga creates a protective shield around you and fights for you until you are strong enough to stand up for yourself and fight the righteous fight along side of her.

I have a strong connection to Durga Ma....I'm ready to stand alongside of her to protect the people I love and care about.  I used to worry that my fierce protective nature goes against the teachings of yoga but then I remembered a quote that David Newman shared with our ytt class...

"You can kick someone out of your home, just not out of your heart"

I can still feel compassion for the evil people as they clearly don't see their own Divinity but that doesn't mean I want to invite them to lunch and that doesn't mean I'm going to stand by and watch them bully and terrorize people.  Doing nothing is no longer an option.  Recoginze that by our inaction we are playing a part in the success of the evil people's actions.  



Om Hrim Shrim Dum Durgayai Namaha!!!