Another adventure in yoga-land

Here's the thing....In order to make room for new and exciting things we have to get rid of the old things that are no longer useful. I know that and you know that, at least on an intellectual level. So why the hell do we resist letting go of things that no longer serve us?

We will either willingly surrender or the universe will rip it from us, painfully. Intellectually, willingly surrendering seems like the logical option. We know it's for our own good but still we resist.

Last week I was talking to a mom who was weaning her little one off the binky (pacifier). Having been through the trauma of weaning little ones myself I listened sympathetically. Remembering the sleepless nights listening to my own children crying for the security and comfort of their binky. It's a heart wrenching experience as the mother taking away your child's binky or blankie. First we encourage our babies to sooth themselves with these things. Our babies feel safe and secure when they have them. Then one day, we rip them away. We know it's for their own good but HOLY HELL it's torture!

After this conversation I began thinking about how much I relate to the situation. This time not from the perspective of the mom doing what's best for the child but from the perspective of the child. Yes... right now, I feel like a baby crying for my blankie.

It's been about six months now since my Divine Mother felt that it was time to rip my blankie away from me. I'm sure from her perspective it was for my own good. From my perspective as the baby....It sucks! First I was encouraged to use my weekly yoga class to sooth myself. There I felt safe and secure. Whenever I was feeling upset I knew that being there in class I'd find the comfort I needed. Just like when you give your crying baby her blankie or binky. With the blankie in hand the world doesn't seem quite so scary and cruel.

Seems that I'm a bigger baby than my children were. They figured out another way to self-sooth a lot quicker than me. It's been six months and I'm still searching for my lost blankie.

Like the baby, I have no choice. I have to trust that the Divine Mother has my best interest in mind. I stand before the Divine Mother with an open heart..... I surrender.... Not my will but thy will be done. Like the baby who has finally given up..... I find another way...

And so....the Zen Den is born and a new yoga adventure begins.....

Lost with no direction

I'm not a fan of places where big crowds of people gather... aka: state fairs, amusement parks, etc.
Kids, on the other hand, love chaos.  Naturally, state fairs, amusement parks, (the dreaded) Chuck e. Cheeses are inevitable when you have kids.   As soon as we'd arrive at one of these places I'd feel myself starting to panic.  OMG!  What if the kids get lost.  What if someone steals them.  What if one of the tigers gets loose and eats them.  As my lovely daughter pointed out recently.... I'm paranoid.

I've been practicing Svadhyaya -- Self-study.  What I've been most challenged with lately is my attachment to people and my desire to control.   They seem to go hand in hand for me.  

The love I have for my kids is so great that I would die for them without a moment's hesitation.  I am without a doubt attached to them.  Show me a mother that isn't.   My control freak nature plays out in my wanting to control their lives in an effort to keep them safe.   You see, I'm attached. 

Okay.... fine.... they want to go to one of these horrible places where lots of things are out of my control.
I quickly formulate a plan.  You see, having a plan gives me the illusion of some control.  I tell my kids "if you get lost, don't wander around.  Stay in one place and I'll find you." 

I learned very early on in my role as mom that children never follow the script that I've written in my head. 
(That doesn't stop me from mentally trying to control the universe.) With so much to look at in the park how could a little kid resist the urge to wander around and see the sights?  Children are driven by their senses.

God tells us...."when you get lost, stay in one place and I'll find you" translation:  be still, meditate, and in the stillness we find God.  But with so many desires that pull us in so many directions how can we resist the urge?  We are driven by our senses. 

We have the illusion of control but ultimately it is just an illusion.  We become attached to the people in our lives... my children, my wife, my husband, my parents.  This too is an illusion.  These people who we love more than life itself do not belong to us.  They were placed in our lives for a reason.  When their work in our lives is done, when we have learned what they were meant to teach us, they move on.   

From our limited human perspective we suffer when things and people aren't the way we want them to be.
The only way out of the suffering is to remember God.  Remember that the script of our lives has been written by God and every details was perfectly planned. 

In the midst of the chaos and confusion that is our lives, God tells us "if you get lost, stay in one place and I'll find you".    Will you listen or will you be distracted by your desires?

Practice what you preach!

"Oh God!  I would rather the world be coming to an end right now than to have to go to work."

That's how I started my day yesterday.  I wish I could tell you that the feeling didn't last but it sort of did.
Now, don't get me wrong I am grateful to have a job.  I recognize that I am very fortunate to have a job that offers me decent pay for respectable work.  I get that.   However, it's getting harder and harder to show up every day to sit behind a desk and push papers for 8 hours. 

"Holy Crap!  I hope the Universe didn't hear that!"

That was the next thought.  I have experienced the amazing phenomenon of the Universe providing exactly what you asked for.  Well.....Not EXACTLY what you wish for.

Perhaps Monday was made more challenging by the fact that I had the privilege of spending the week-end teaching a new group of yoga teacher trainees.  Sharing my passion for yoga makes me feel alive.  It's what feeds my soul.  It's where I feel most connected to my purpose.  Sharing my passion for yoga not just in the scope of teaching a class but in my day to day life.  That's what I want to spend my time doing.

So imagine my dismay when I begin to question if everything I've learned about yoga is actually just a farce.

The imagine of a beautiful fluffy cupcake comes to mind.   I've been experiencing this feeling that what I've been served was a huge cupcake with fluffy icing. Only to find that when I bite into it it's only the sweet fluffy icing and no cupcake. 

Yes, Yes.... I know we should have no expectations.  Unfortunately, in yoga-land  having no expectations is so important because that's what yogis hide behind. They tell you to practice acceptance and have no expectations so that when their behavior is less than ideal they can hide behind those masks so they don't have to take responsibility for their actions (or lack of action). 

The sweet, delicious icing on the cupcake is lovely.  There's no doubt about it.  However there needs to be some substance to it. There has be something under it to hold it up.   There needs to be a foundation. Without it the fluffy icing will melt into a sticky pile of goo.

I accept the fact that I cannot change other people's behavior.  I accept the fact that some people are content with licking the sweet icing and leaving the rest.  I accept the fact that some yogis prefer to hide behind masks.  Far be it from me to destroy their delusions.  I no longer expect that all "yogis" are interested in living yoga.

Licking the icing isn't enough for me.  I want the whole cupcake! 

Since I have been given the privilege of teaching yoga, I feel it's my responsibility to build the foundation.  The foundation of living yoga is abiding by the principles of  the yamas and niyamas.  I intend to do my best to live by the principles. (here's where the Universe will provide me with an opportunity to practice)

To get to the cupcake we have to peel away the paper covering it first.  It's the same with living yoga.  We need to peel away the mask that is covering our Divine nature.   That peeling away is the practice of self-inquiry.  Recognizing when we are hiding behind yoga babble so that we don't have to take action. 

Today's yoga lesson:  Shifting my perspective.....sitting behind a desk for 8 hours gives me an opportunity to practice concentration, 3-part yogic breath, patience and tolerance.  Seems my day job is giving me an opportunity to practice what I preach.  Living yoga in my day to day life includes living yoga while pushing papers. 

Yoga adventures at the Durga Temple

As I've mentioned before, the Goddess Durga shows up in my life over and over.  On Tuesday evening she called me on the phone.   Well....not literally. The call was from a very sweet Indian woman who teaches yoga at the Durga Temple not far from my home.  She invited me to go to a special yoga class being taught by Dr. so and so who is visiting from India.  "Tell your friends" she says before she hangs up.

All day yesterday I couldn't help thinking that I need to stay present and keep my mind clear. I felt like this little yoga adventure was being guided by Durga.   ( the stories of how she has been ever present are too many to tell now)   Finally, it was time to leave for class.

My friend, Rose and I arrive at the temple and there's lots of activity.  We manage to figure out how and where to park the car.  "Look for the sign directing you to the sunroom" were the directions I was given.
We follow the path to the back of the priest's quarters.

After a few minutes the sweet Indian woman and her little girl arrive to let us into the "sunroom".   It's just an ordinary room,  she quickly gets to work moving things out of the way and setting up mats.  There's an alter set up in the corner.  It wasn't very big and certainly wasn't the most beautiful space I've done yoga in but definitely more welcoming than most.

A few people arrive with their children, a couple of my yoga students arrive and soon the class begins.  The coordinator mentions to Dr. so and so that I'm a yoga teacher.   (I usually don't mention that when I'm taking a yoga class) He quickly decides that I'm not teaching "real" yoga.  I am an American after all, what do I know about real yoga.   He tells me/us that American yoga is only exercise. The real yoga is so much more.  Yes,  I nod in agreement.  

He talked about Samkhya (the creation process), about how our bodies are made up of the elements, and chakras.  He told us what yoga is.  Union of our individual consciousness with the cosmic consciousness.  Yoga stretching is to keep the body health and flexible but the goal of yoga is mediation and ultimately, Moksha (liberation from the cycles of birth and death).   We did lots of pranayama exercises (breath work) while we practiced he explained the science behind each exercise.  He said everything we do in yoga has a basis in science.  We did little "yoga stretching", mostly pranayama and listened to his discourse.  He instructed on the bandhas and demonstrated his very impressive nauli (stomach churning). 

His last exercise was hardy laughter.  I have to admit it was hilariously fun to just laugh uproariously.  After class we were invited to join them for dinner.  The temple was celebrating a festival for Ganesha's birthday!
As I sat at the table with some old friends and some new friends I got another call from Durga.   This time in the form of a realization that I am already blessed with wonderful teachers who are teaching me the real yoga! 

The whole yoga adventure was very sweet.  I enjoyed it very much.  For $5.  I got an authentic yoga class, dinner, conversation with friends and confirmation from Durga that I am exactly where I'm suppose to be. 
Oh.... and the ancient yogic secret to solve all my troubles.

"KEEP A CALM MIND, A SMILE ON YOUR FACE, AND SWEETNESS ON YOUR TONGUE AND ALL PROBLEMS ARE GONE"

Let the Shakti flow......

For weeks now I've been trying to share my thoughts but somehow I haven't been able find the words.  I know once I begin the rest will flow. But somehow the beginning is escaping me.  I tell myself maybe that means that it's not the right time to share this.  Yet, the theme keeps coming back to me. 

Forgive me if my thoughts seem random.  I'm confidence that the essence of what I'd like to share will be clear to you.

On September 7th my daughter, Tayler turned 17 years old.  (this is when the idea first came to me)
When  I look into my beautiful daughter's face I still see the mischievous little girl.  I also see the young woman she is becoming and my heart overflows with love.   The qualities that I admire most are her fearlessness, her strength, courage, adventurousness.  She smiles easily and laughs often.  

My mother has 3 daughters.  Her twin sister also has 3 daughters.   The six of us along with our mothers were inseparable growing up.  I have always been surrounded by strong women. 

This week a childhood memory came back to me.  I was probably 10 years old sitting on my pink Huffy bike in our back driveway.   I was looking over my shoulder at our open garage.  My mom, her sister (my second mom) and other female relatives had gathered.  All were sitting around our little blue wading pool filled with tomatoes preparing to jar sauce.  I vividly remember the feeling that all was right with the world.  No harm could ever come to me.  I felt safe and secure with that circle of women.

This week I again found myself looking at a circle of  strong women.  The difference was that this time I knew that what I was experiencing was the Grace of the Divine Mother.  I have no doubt that it has been this Grace that has risen up to support me whenever I needed support.  It's the grace of the Divine Mother that gives me that same feeling I had at 10yrs. old.  All is right with the world.  I am safe and secure in the arms of the Divine Mother.  Sometimes that Grace expresses itself in the smile and kind words of the strong women I am blessed to still be surrounded by.

In yoga the essence of feminine power is referred to as Shakti.   It's the Shakti that moves a woman to offer a hug or words of support to someone she doesn't even know simply because she saw a need.   It's the Shakti energy that makes things happen.  The power of Shakti is what give a mother the power to do extraordinary things to protect her child.  It's the power of Shakti that can look into a person's eyes and see their soul.

I have spent much time trying to figure out how to teach my daughters about Shakti.  Then it dawned on me.  Shakti is their intrinsic nature.  It flows through them freely.  All I need to do is make sure that they feel safe and secure enough in their own true nature to allow it to continue to flow freely.

When a circle of women gather together the power of Shakti is awesome!  Stepping into our own Shakti power we hold the light by which our daughters can light the power of their own Shakti nature. 

Our only hope for the future is to nurture our daughters.  It will be their Shakti power that will change the world.

Am I the only one?

Am I the only one who feels like I was born at the wrong time?  Maybe its cellular memories that are the reason for the longing of another time.   Another time when communal living was the norm.  Another time when everyone took care of each other.  Another time when you took care of your neighbors the same as you would take care of your family. 

Am I the only one who feels the suffering of others as if it were my own?  What do you do when there isn't anything you can do to relieve their suffering?  If only I could do this...... or if only I could do that...... What if there isn't ANYTHING you can do?  I remember the story of the caterpillar struggling to get out of the cocoon.  If help is given, the butterfly will not gain the strength it needs to fly.   We see the struggle of others and wonder...do I intervene?  Will it help or will it prevent them from finding the strength within themselves to fly? 

Am I the only one who feels the need for community?  What if the person struggling needs a little support.  Perhaps helping the caterpillar would mean simply creating a safe space for it while it does the work of transformation on it's own.  By creating the safe space we are supporting it. Protecting it, making sure no one tramples on it or injuries it in the process. 

Am I the only one that feels sad  that our lives are moving so fast that we no longer make the time to be in community.  It's now a luxury that needs to be planned and scheduled.  Even when we do make the time it has to be worthwhile.  If we come together there will need to be something planned to fill the time. 

Am I the only one who longs for the time when people would come together to share a meal and the evening entertainment would be listening to someone tell a story.  Everyone has a story to tell.  How sad that most stories will never to be heard because we don't make the time and we don't create the space for the telling. 

Am I the only one who feels a great sense of responsibility to try to awaken the cellular memory of others to a time when community was family.  A time when the community was the safe space for transformation. 

I quit!!

I recently had a very profound epiphany.  If I was a cartoon there would be a light bulb over my head that suddenly lit up!!  It was so profound that I don't know if I'll be able to find words to fully articulate it.
I'm not sure I should even try but here it goes.....

Several weeks ago I decided to take a stand.  I put in place some boundaries.  No sooner had I set the boundaries in place they begin to be challenged.  Thank you God for the opportunity to practice patience.
Over and over my cage was being rattled.   I have the imagine of Ma Durga in my mind.  I have a strong affinity for Durga.  She's the great protector.  I stand, protecting my boundary. 

The challenges keep coming.  I start to wonder...."am I doing the right thing?"  Thank you God for the opportunity to practice trusting my intuition.  My intuition tells me that without strong boundaries I get pulled in the wrong direction.  I see that now.  I see how easily I expend energy trying to control other people. Wishing and wanting to convince them that things should be this way or that way.  Feeling anger and disappointment when things don't go my way.   In the words of my dear friend, Judy, "I am not the general contractor of the Universe".  I quit!  How freeing is that?  I can put down the clip board.  God has everything under control.

It's empowering to stand up for myself.  Can you imagine that it took 41 years to do that?  Guess what? The sky didn't fall!! How do you like that?!  Thank you God for the opportunity to practice standing up for myself in a loving, compassionate way.  There is this great misconception that when we stand up for ourselves and protect ourselves from negative energy that it makes us bad people.  On the contrary! It actually is about having compassion and love for yourselves.  There is an element of self preservation when we don't allow our energy to be dissipated by engaging in negative drama. 

In a flash the anger at someone's words has us seeing red.  We feel the pressure in our head.  We want to tell them they are wrong!  We want to give them  a piece of our mind.  Retaliation becomes all we can think about.   Holy Hell!  In an instant our blood pressure is through the roof.  Our heart is racing and our breath is shallow and rapid.  We are physically harming ourselves.  Our body reacts as if we are fighting for our lives!! 

I am not the general contractor of the universe.  I AM however, the general contractor of my own life.  I can choose how I react. I can choose how and where I put my energy.  Thank you God for the opportunity to practice taking control of my own life. 

Oh.. yeah... the epiphany....With each challenge I faced over the past few weeks I was able to step back from my emotional reaction.  From the space of witness I "saw" how much energy I waste complaining about how other people behave.  How much energy I waste, trying to convince other people to think the way I think.   How much energy I waste wishing things were different than what they are.  I can put down the clip board.  I quit! I am no longer the fairness police... That's SD's job. 

Thank you God, for the challenges by which the light bulb was turned on. 

Om Namaha Shivaya!