The Naked Yogi

I've had these seemingly random thoughts swirling around in my head.  I couldn't make sense of them. Something was missing that would link these thoughts.  I have tried writing.  Sometimes the act of putting the words into sentences helps me make sense of the thoughts.  This time the missing link continued to elude me.

I seriously do my best thinking in the shower. As I was shampooing the missing link become clear. 

The missing link:

Self-acceptance

I recently told a friend that I felt  like it's time to stand naked in the middle of my life. The emotions that this thought brought up is fear, shame, and mostly vulnerability.  What I didn't expect at first is the exhilarating feeling of liberation and freedom that may result from this act of "standing naked in the middle of my life".    (Disclaimer: don't worry children, you will not come home to find your mother on the front lawn naked chanting to the moon)

I realized that my fascination with the TV show "My strange addiction" is rooted in this idea of bringing those parts of ourselves that we keep hidden in the deepest, darkest parts of ourselves out into the light.  Once we allow our souls to be bathed in light we can begin the process of self-acceptance.

At first, I watched the people on "My Strange Addiction" and "My big fat fabulous life" thinking that the missing link was courage.  I was wrong.  First comes vulnerability, then comes self-acceptance.  We accept our vulnerability.  THEN...comes having the courage to "stand naked in the middle of your life".   The result.... Liberation and Freedom.

When we stop hiding who we are we free up so much energy.  We can put this energy into living our life fully and completely. 

Struggling with weight my entire adult life I know all about the energy it takes to hide.  I'm always trying to blend into the background.  Never wanting to draw attention to myself.  I'm always pulling my clothes down, always covering up.  It's exhausting.  So often hiding has held me back from having fun and enjoying my life.  

Standing naked in the middle of your life is scary as hell, no doubt. But once the initial shock has passed imagine the freedom you'll feel.  You don't have to worry about your shirt riding up in your yoga class and exposing your fluffy belly. You can focus on the bliss of that deep back-bend!!

So.. to recap... Here's the recipe for living your best life:

1. acknowledge your vulnerability

2. practice self-acceptance

3. have the courage to  bring your deepest, darkest parts of yourself to the surface

Then - Stand naked in the middle of your life secure in the knowledge that the Grace of God is bathing you in love and light.  This is the liberation we all seek.  (in my humble opinion)

Hari Om!

Love is the product

Love is the product

It isn't something to buy

It can't be forced

It can't be demanded

Love is the product 

Love is the result

of doing the hard work

What's the hard work? 

digesting our experiences

Both good and bad

Each experience of our life is the work

We integrate what we need to grow and 

release what does not serve

 and

Love...is the product

We can't skip over the work and pretend

it's love. 

We aren't flawed if we feel anger,

fear, shame, guilt.... these are valuable emotions

that we can't run away from

Digest these too

learn the lesson being offered by each emotion

and then release them

Love is the product

It's the result

Love is what comes when we learn to digest ALL 

human experiences, the light and the darkness

Love is the product

it's not all cotton candy, fairies and unicorns

Love is result of facing fear head on 

Love is the result of fighting the righteous fight

Facing the darkness is sometimes required

Meditation/yoga/prayer/self-inquiry 

these are the practices by which our experiences are digested

Love is the product 

Don't despair if you aren't feeling Love....

Focus on doing the work and remember

Love is the product

Finding my way home

I've been trying and trying to post for weeks.  Something always prevented me.  Interestingly, I have a recurring dream in which I'm trying and trying to get home but something is always preventing me.

In the dream it's weird stuff like the sidewalk moves, the solid ground beneath my feet turns to quicksand. Doors won't open.  In real life, the things that have been preventing me have been equally weird, 

One of those weird things is having difficulty finding words to adequately express what I want to express.  In my dream I keep trying to get back home, no matter what the obstacle, no matter how exhausted I am.  I'm going to take that as a lesson that even though I'm having difficulty finding words I will  keep trying.  So.... Here goes.

You see my life has been turned upside down over the past year.  The difficulties, obstacles,  challenges, whatever you want to call them, are  being thrown at me faster and with more force than ever before.  There isn't even time to catch my breath before the next one comes.  That's not the strange part, that's just life sometimes. 

The strange part is that with each chaotic, traumatic event, I have noticed a small part of me that isn't freaking out.  This small part of me is witnessing the events of my life in a state of awe.  The witness can look at each trauma and see the beauty in the destruction.  The witness isn't wearing the glasses of past experience nor the glasses of emotions.  From the view point of the witness, vision is crystal clear.  

Each challenge is an opportunity to change and grow.  Every destructive experience offers an opportunity to rebuild something stronger and more durable.  Each storm offers a clearing away of things that have served their purpose which allows the space needed for new growth.  

I'm not suggesting that trauma and destruction do not come with a significant amount of pain.  I'd be lying if I told you that my heart hasn't felt the searing pain of trauma.  I'd be lying if I told you that my ego hasn't been gripped by fear at the destruction.  What I'm telling you is that there is a small part of me that is in a state of calm awareness.  A part of me that is beyond my heart and beyond my ego. This part of me is in awe.  In awe of the beauty  that lies beyond the trauma and destruction.  In awe of the beauty that is infinite possibilities.  

At this point in my evolutionary process I have only gotten glimpses of this small part of me that is the witness.  The glimpses are enough to reassure me of the existence of the witness.  The glimpses are enough to reassure me that the experiences of my life, no matter how painful, serve some higher purpose than what the heart and ego can understand.   The glimpses are enough to encourage me to keep trying and trying to get back home.  Back home to my true nature.  Which I have come to understand is that small, calm place within my Self where I can witness the events of my life from a state of awe.  

I trust in the Divine Will.  Regardless of how weird the circumstance of my life are and how difficult it is to catch my breath sometimes, I will keep trying to get back home. 

Om Namaha Shivaya! 

The fish knows

The fish knows

He understands

what it feels like to be me

The fish knows that without 

water he cannot be

The fish knows what it feels like

to be out of his element and gasping for air

I know

The fish is just like me

I know what it feels like to be out of my element 

and gasping for air

I know that without sadhana I cannot be

I and the fish are one and the same

we must be insane

thinking we'll survive out our element and

gasping for air

Now back to your bowl little fish

enough of this struggling to breath

The water is waiting to welcome you home 

I too must return to my sadhana

where the Divine Mother is waiting to welcome

me home 

The tree said...Let Go!

When summer comes to an end, do the trees struggle to release their leaves?  

When night comes, does the sun struggle against the darkness? 

Do the flowers, at the end of their time, struggle to hold on to their petals? 

At the end of the winter, does the ice resist melting into the soil? 

Does a seed hold tight and fight against the cracking open? 

The answers can be heard in the whispers of the wind through the tress. 

The tress do not struggle against the changing of the seasons.  At the end, the leaves 

are gracefully, effortless released from the tress.  The wise old tree knows that in order

for the new leaves to grow it must first release the old. 

 The moon doesn't fight the ever changing phases. The wise old moon knows that in order 

for it to be full again, it must first surrender to the darkness. 

The sun doesn't struggle against the darkness.  The wise old sun knows that in order to fully

appreciate the light we must first experience the darkness. 

Does the seed know that the trauma of cracking open is necessary in order to bloom into 

something beautiful?  Who can know for sure... Yet, still it surrenders it's form willingly. 

And in the surrender, beauty is born.

Does the little caterpillar know that in order to fly it must first die?  Who can know for sure...

Yet, still it surrenders it's form willingly.  And in the surrender it discovers it's wings to fly.

Do you know what beauty you were meant to bloom forth?  Who can know for sure.... 

Are you listening to the whispers in the wind?  Can you hear the message from the wise old tree.

It is in the darkness and surrender that beauty grows.  We must release what has come to it's 

natural end so that we can move gracefully into the next season of our life with the same gracefulness

as the leaves in the fall. 

Food for the soul

I have so few childhood memories but the few I do have usually involve food. I remember one day coming out of kindergarten to find my father and my uncle Bob waiting for me. They walked me home from school. My Uncle Bob and Aunt Jenny had come for dinner. My mom was in the kitchen cooking. I can still smell the food. I climbed on a chair to help my mom bread the chicken cutlets.

This time of the year always reminds me of the ritual of making tomatoes sauce and roasting peppers and making pickled eggplants. These are my favorite childhood memories. My mom and my zia always cooking.

This past week-end I had the great privilege of co-facilitating a women's yoga retreat with a teacher who I love and respect. She introduced me to the Wise Earth Ayurveda sadhanas. These are beautiful spiritual practices that involve food and breath and sound. The blending of food and yoga has been a magical experience for me.

During our retreat, Padmashree introduced us to a mandala making sadhana. We used various grains and beans to create a mandala. Each of us added to the design, a few beans or grains at a time. While we chanted the vow of Ahimsa (non-harming) a beautiful image began to unfold. I was transported back to my childhood. The kitchen full of woman adding one ingredient at a time.

At the end of the sadhana we had collectively created a beautiful work of art. As we stepped back to admire the beautiful image it didn't matter who placed which beans where. It was through the effort of the collective working together that a beautiful work of art was created.

The practice had awakened in me that memory of my mom and my zia and even us kids cooking together and sharing a meal. All of us collectively, washing and cutting tomatoes. All of us collectively peeling peppers. All of us collectively preparing the food that would nourish us. When we sat down together at the table it didn't matter who added which ingredient or who made which part of the meal. The collective effort of the woman working together to create the beautiful meal nourished not only our physical bodies but also our souls.

I have so few childhood memories but the ones that I do hold on to usually involve food.  Food and a circle of women. The food always tasted so much better when it was prepared together and eaten together. It was infused with a little extra bit of love.

It is through the power of the collective working together, for the greater good, and without ego that beauty is created.

                                I take the vow of ahimsa
                     I make inner harmony my first priority

                               I take the vow of ahimsa
                        in my thoughts, speach and action

Things are not always as they seem.

What does a baby possum, Robin Williams' death, and the Pele report have in common?  Here's another clue... Things are not always as they seem.

The baby possum was injured and dying....Not really, he was playing dead and escaped as soon as the opportunity presented itself.   Robin Williams had it all, money, fame, family, everyone loved him, he was a happy, fun loving guy....Not really,  he clearly was wrestling demons that no one on the outside knew anything about.  Yesterday's Pele report (astrological forecast) confirmed the theme, things are not always as they seem.   There's so much more happening than what we perceive on a physical level.

For some of you maybe this doesn't come as such a shock.  If you've been practicing yoga/meditation even for a short time you have probably gotten a glimpse of the subtle energy that shifts and changes when we practice.    For those you who haven't experienced it for yourself, well, now is the time to pay attention. 

For years I've been aware that at times what I'm seeing and hearing on a physical level does not match what I feel on an internal level.  This has caused me much anxiety and trauma.  I've also identified this as the cause of my self-doubt and also the source of my difficulty with trust.

Things aren't always as they seem.   It's hard to trust the sensory input but trusting our intuition is vital.
Now, more than ever, I feel that it is imperative that we pay attention to our internal world. It's time to shine the light into the deep, dark corners of our hearts, mind and soul.

The great meditation teacher, Eknath Easwaren once used the analogy of a driver who takes great care of his vehicle.  He washes it and waxes it and even has the seat belts embroidered but never looks under the hood to check the oil.   Sure, it's nice to have a beautiful external environment but what good is it if your internal environment is dilapidated from neglect?

I had to stop watching the news and reading the paper. I remember one day standing in the line at the grocery store. I saw an imagine of a mother holding her child who was dying of starvation.  The image affected me so much that nearly 20 years later it still haunts me.  The look of seer helplessness and despair on that mother's face was so powerful and it touch a place within me that felt that same helplessness and despair.  I was standing in line at the grocery store filled with food while a child lie dying of starvation and there was nothing I could do to help. 

The Pele report I watched this morning held the key for me. The message was loud and clear. I need to repair and clean up my internal environment.  In doing so it will have a positive effect on my external environment.  I can't help that starving child in the newspaper. Rather than wallowing in the feelings of helplessness and despair I can work on being more mindful that I don't waste food.  That I only take in what I need. I can share food with others in my community.  On an even deeper level, I can explore where in my life do I feel like I'm starving.  What am I starving for?

There isn't much we can do to stop the wars that are raging on but we can address the internal wars that have been raging for generations. We do  have the capacity to stop the internal wars. When we practice resolving inner conflicts then the conflicts with others won't be so difficult.  Violence and anger cannot be defected with violence and anger.  Have you ever seen a parent slap their child and say "We don't slap our friends!  that's not nice!"  Their actions say one thing while they attempt to convey the opposite message.

Ultimately, what I'm finally beginning to understanding on a deeper level is that everything we experience on an external level is a reflection of our internal environment.  When our inner world is filled with conflict we experience the external physical world also as filled with conflict.  

Things are not always as they seem.  Daily spiritual practice is the tool we need to remove the veils of maya that keep us from seeing the truth.  Turn within and begin the work of repairing and rebuilding your internal environment. Sometimes we need help repairing.  Seek help. In doing so, you are giving someone the opportunity to be of service.  It may seem like they are helping you but you might end up being the one who helps them.  Things are not always as they seem..