My lowest motherhood moment

Tonight I read an article on facebook about motherhood that I resonated with so much that I had to share it.  I want to share with you my own lowest point of motherhood.   I will save the commentary for the end. I hope you'll read this to the end.

 By 20 years old, I had purchased my first home and had a beautiful baby.  I also had a picture in my head of what things should be like.  When you flip through the parenting magazines while you're pregnant you see all those pictures of beautiful moms cuddling sweet, sleeping babies in beautiful homes.  I read all the books, watched Dr. Brazelton faithfully.  I was determined to do this motherhood thing right.  Unfortunately, my children didn't read the books.  They didn't follow the scripts that I had written for them in my head.

One morning, I'm struggling to get my oldest ready for school, my second ready for daycare, and myself ready for work.  That involved packing every one's lunch, making sure Amanda had all her books,  she went to Catholic school and the girls had to wear little red ties that always seemed to be missing in the mornings.   It was the first really cold day and we needed our winter coats unexpectedly.   I pulled out the winters coats from the year before.  That's when the tug of war began.

Amanda refused to put on the coat.  I try to explain that it was cold and it was the only coat she had.  She wasn't having it.  I tried to explain that it was the same leopard coat that she begged me for the year before. She wasn't having it. I explained that we were going to be late.  She refused. I even tried to bribe her by telling her that she could pick out any coat she wanted later if only she put on the leopard coat for now. After what felt like half an hour I had had enough.  The baby had her coat on and I had my coat on and we were sweating!  I forcefully put the coat on Amanda.  She took it off.  I put it back on her.  She took it off.  This went on and on.  Needless to say there was yelling and screaming and a baby crying and Amanda was crying. 

After much drama, we all had our coats on, still crying, still sweating.  I pick up the baby, the diaper bag, the lunch bags, the school bag, my purse and I plow through the door..... Amanda was in front of me and she refused to open the door. Only I didn't realize that until her face hit the storm door!! I felt like the worst mother in the entire universe.  As if losing my temper and yelling like a crazy lady wasn't enough, she now had a bloody nose from hitting the door.  Her eyes were red and puffy from crying, her face was red from screaming and sweating, and her poor little nose was red and brused.  I had officially earned the worst mother of the year award and all I was trying to do was make sure she was warm enough!!

Since by this point she's late for school,  I needed to sign her in.  So I  park the car, take the baby out of the car seat and walk her into the school.  Sister Mary Katherine asks me why we're late.  That's when I fell apart.  I tell her we had a rough morning and I start sobbing like a baby.   Sister hands the baby off to another nun and Amanda is sent off to class.  I'm escorted into Sister's office where she asks me if I lose control often.  That really sends me over the edge!!  I didn't want to admit it but I was at my breaking point that morning. I really did feel like I was out of control. 

The reason I am sharing this story is twofold.  First and foremost I want new moms to know that sometimes motherhood sucks and it's okay to admit that some days are really rough.  That doesn't make you a bad mother.  That doesn't mean you're weak.  The second reason is that I want to give people, not just moms, permission to say "hey, I need some help".   It's okay to be vulnerable. It's okay to not be perfect all the time.  When we "put on airs" and pretend that we have everything under control it makes it more difficult for us to ask for help and it also makes the rest of us feel like we suck because we have days when everything seems to be falling apart. 

When we are willing to be vulnerable we give others permission to do the same.  Right now, I'm thinking of a neighbor named, Olga Santiago.  When my third child was born I had to have my tonsils out.  One day she stopped over to see the baby and she saw that I was a mess.  She took my kids to her house and feed them, bathed the baby and put them to bed so that I could sleep and recover.  I didn't ask for the help, she understood what I was dealing with and she stepped up.  I wish I knew where she is right now so that I could tell her how much that meant to me.  Ask for help when you need it and offer the help when someone else needs it.  If we all support each other then everyone is taking care of.

Children are, without a doubt, wonderful gifts from God.  They are also born with a special power that makes them able to send you to the very edge of sanity.  Before I had children I would look at moms grabbing their kid by the back of neck and think to myself  "OMG!  some people just shouldn't have kids!"   Now I see those moms and say I little prayer for them because I know what it feels like to be on the edge of insanity. 

Sit, dog, sit

We have a new puppy. I love this sweet little girl so much. But yesterday I wanted to take her back to the pound! (not really) She is no longer in the sweet, sleepy, cuddly phase of an infant. She's now is the exploring, tasting, barking phase of a toddler. While I'm cleaning up the shredded tissues from the living room floor she is chewing on a light bulb. Yes.. A light bulb. While I'm putting the light bulb away she's growling and barking at some invisible intruder in the dining room.


You see...Our first dog, Pumpkin, was a bad, bad dog. When we adopted Luna I was determined to be a good dog parent and train her properly. I have learned that there is no bad dog, just bad dog parents. As a determined dog mom, I know that the "training" needs to happen constantly. I can't let her get away with bad behavior not even once. Even when I'm completely exhausted I need to correct the bad behavior. It takes a lot of discipline for me too. In an effort to not repeat the negative experiences we had with Pumpkin I am forcing myself to be consistent when it comes to discipline and training.

At one point last night I just sat on the sofa and watched her running around like a crazy lady. Chuckling to myself I thought, "wow! this is like watching my monkey mind!" My mind is just like Luna. It runs around here and there. It chews on things that could cause me harm. It barks at dangers that aren't really there.

If I'm not consistent in disciplining my mind I will end up with the same sort of bad, anxiety filled behavior my poor Pumpkin suffered from. I don't want the same thing for my mind or Luna for that matter.

Therefore, I will be consistent with discipline for Luna and my mind. No matter how exhausted I am I need to keep correcting the undesirable behavior over and over again. This goes for training the mind and changing negative habits. Being consistent with our discipline is the key. When the mind wanders we bring it back, over and over.

When Luna is eating rocks we replace the rocks with her chewy treats. When we engage in negative habits we need to replace it with positive habits, over and over. At first it seemed like she would never learn. Now, it seems she needs a little less correcting each day. At first it seems like my mind will never settle down. Now, it seems it needs a little less redirecting each day.

There are no bad dogs, only undisciplined dog parents. There are also no bad people, only undisciplined people. The beautiful thing is that discipline is not something we're born with. It's something we learn. Everyone has the capacity within themselves to become disciplined. It takes practice. The more we practice the easier it becomes.

A disciplined dog is calm and content. A disciplined mind is also calm and content.

Now, Sit.....and meditate!


 

My guru, Jake

This is Spider man.... Not really... It's my boy, Jake.  For  two full years he wore this spider man costume everywhere.  Even when he had clearly outgrown it he would still squeeze himself into it.  Even when it was 108 degrees outside in the middle of July he would still wear it. 

 The people in the grocery store would get a kick out him.  Some would joke with him, others would just smile, remembering perhaps their own little ones.  There were some that shook their heads at me for allowing him to go out in the Halloween costume in the middle of July.   He's my third child so I was way more relaxed about things. I learned to choose my battles.  I also learned that natural consequence was the best teacher.

 One day, he simply stopped wearing the costume.  I didn't have to sit him down and explain to him that his attachment to being Spider man was unhealthy or that he was growing up and it was no longer appropriate.  The phase came to its natural end and he moved on to the next phase.

The costumes we wear as adults are the labels we put on ourselves and others.  I'm discovering that sometimes we outgrow the labels but we still squeeze ourselves into them.  We identify completely with the roles we have chosen to play long after the story has come to an end.  It seems to me that the trouble comes when we are 43 and still trying to wear the size 3T Spider man costume.   Why does there need to be a struggle or an intervention when we have outgrown the costume? Why is it so traumatic for us to take off the labels that no longer serve us?  My guess is that its traumatic because we have forgotten that its only a costume and not really who we are. 

In the grown up world we all put on costumes from time to time.  I wear an insurance agent costume from 8:00am - 4:30pm.  Then I change into my super mom costume.  Sometime I wear my yoga teacher costume.  As long as we are aware that each label or costume we wear serves a purpose and does not define who we are then put on the costume and go about the business of life.

Our children are our greatest teachers.  Jake suffered no trauma when he outgrew the Spider man costume.  When the time had come for him to take it off he simply took it off.  Life is fluid.  When we move through life fluidly there is less trauma.  When we recognize that the labels we put on ourselves and roles we choose to  play do not define us, there is less trauma when the labels and roles change.  Every night when I look at the moon I remind myself.... The moon doesn't go through trauma as it waxes and wanes. Why should I fall apart as my life waxes and wanes?

 I loved the baby yogi phase! 

Practice mediation, Stop all vain talk, keep repeating the ancient mantram, Om until it reverberates in your heart.....   OM Shanti OM!

My Daughter the yogi

Photo credit to Tayler Nicholson

It's official, my dear Tayler, you are a yogi. The fact that you are aware that "it's the thoughts that kill you" means that you are advanced in the study of yoga. In the language of the Upanishads..."It is the mind that frees us or enslaves". You are on your way to true freedom dear daughter.

I wouldn't dream of interfering with your journey to self-realization. I know that each journey is unique and beautiful; filled with just enough twists and turns to keep it exciting. I am your mother, though, and I do want to share some pearls of wisdom that may help you along your way. I have found these words to be beacons of light for me when I was lost in the dark.


* It is the nature of the mind to think. So give it something good to think about.

* That which you put your attention on grows stronger in your life. Choose wisely.

* Our greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another. Choose the higher thought.

* Change your thoughts, you change your life.

* You are not your thoughts.

* Yoga/Meditation is stilling the fluctuations of the mind.


"It is the mind that frees us or enslaves. Driven by the senses we become bound; Master of the senses we become free. Those who seek freedom must master their senses.

When the mind is detached from the senses one reaches the summit of consciousness. Mastery of the mind leads to wisdom. Practice meditation. Stop all vain talk. The highest state is beyond reach of thought, for it lies beyond all duality.

Keep repeating the ancient mantram OM until it reverberates in your heart." ~Amritabindu Upanishad

It's still love

This may come as a surprise to you but I tend to obsess about things. What I obsess most about are my children. I worry constantly about every decision I make and how it's affecting them. Am I doing enough for them? Am I doing too much? Should I baby them more or should I make them more independent. I sometimes listen to other moms talking and I worry because I don't do the things they do for their kids. My kids are pretty independent. Most times I feel good about that. Until I start to worry that they are going to grow up feeling like I didn't take care of them enough. My friend, YogaLu, told me once that I shouldn't worry so much because everyone ends up in therapy anyway and I'm just giving them more to talk about. That just made me worry about what their future therapist is going to think of me.

My boy is mad at me. He thinks I don't love him because I won't give him McDonald's for dinner. I tell him that it's because I do love him that I don't feed him fast food. He tells me I don't love him because I won't buy him another pair of KD sneakers. I tell him that it's because I love him that I want him to learn to appreciate that he has all that he needs. He tells me that I'm mean and don't love him because I insist that he take a shower or at least wash his face and hands. I tell him that it's because I love him that I want him to have clean hands when he's eating. (I'll pretend not to notice that he's eating with his hands as long as they are clean.)

When they are sick or sad and I pull them onto my lap to hug and kiss them they know I love them. When I scold them for running into the street, or not doing their school work, or being mean to their siblings they don't recognize that it's love too. When I have to say no to them they don't see the pain in my own heart caused by the disappointment on their faces. It's still love. Nothing in the world hurts more than when my children are mad at me. I would die for them without a moments hesitation and when they tell me that I don't love them my heart aches. It's still love.

Since my days in Catholic school I have always held the image of the Divine Mother as being soft, loving, kind and supportive. That's love. Last week we went to see some new puppies. Their mother was freaking out. Barking and growling and ready to chase us out the door. She was fiercely protecting her babies. It's still love.

Our Divine Mother provides us with exactly what we need. Sometimes it comes in the soft flow of her Grace that embraces us when we are feeling lost or scared. Other times it comes in the form of a Divine smack-down when we are making choices that move us further away from Her. It's still love.

When we are experiencing life as harsh and unloving I do believe it's love too. It's the love of the Divine Mother asking us to look at how we are not loving ourselves and others. Sometimes children need the loving embrace and sweet kisses of their mother. Other times they need the "wooden spoon". (my Italian family and friends will get this reference) It's still love.

I love my children to the moon and back that's why sometimes they don't like me. It's still love. The Divine Mother loves us to the moon and back that's why sometimes I don't get what I want. It's still love.

Renewal of Self

I posed this question on Facebook last week: "What does feminine power mean to you?" I loved all your comments. Each one was so insightful and thoughtful. I'd like to explore one idea in particular that resonated so deeply with me. A woman's power comes
from her ability to choose collaboration vs competition.

Collaboration is the reason why I felt so passionately about holding the New Moon Gatherings. Collaboration is where the real power lies. Collaboration is the energy I associate with the Goddess, Durga. For those of you who haven't heard my interpretation of the Durga story let me share it with you. (Disclaimer: this is not a scholarly interpretation, simply my amateur attempt)

So the story goes... There was an evil demon that was terrorizing the 3 worlds. All the Gods tried to defeat the demon but they all failed. All the Gods came together for what I imagine to be like a superhero conference to try to come up with a solution to the problem of this evil demon. They meditated together and from this place of deep meditation they decided to each offer up their own individual, unique "superpower" into the fire. Out of this culmination manifested Durga. She was easily able to defeat the demon. The real power came from the collaboration of all the Gods.

If the Gods are willing to collaborate why aren't we?

Imagine the power that could be generated if we all put aside our ego and offered our own individual, unique talents, aka: superpowers into the fire. Together, all of us, working for the greater good. Collaboration is only possible when each person works together towards the same goal. If there is even the slightest bit of competition, collaboration is impossible. Are you willing to put aside your ego for the greater good? If not, what's holding your back?

If you're up for the challenge let's hold our own "superhero conference". Let's join our energy together in sadhana (spiritual practice). There's no doubt that the power of group practice is strong enough to elevate the vibration of this entire planet. The evil demon we are all fighting is the ego. I've been told this is the time for the "Renewal of Self". It's time for us all to come back to the Self. The way back to the Self is through meditation. In the Self we connect to the source of infinite power.

Here's the challenge if you wish to contribute your energy:

The bhavana (intention) Renewal of the Self
The practice: 6 rounds of Surya Namaskar - The Sun burns away all that is not our true self
6 rounds of Chandra Namaskar - The moon washes away the ashes, leaving behind only what is real
Mantra: 108X - Om Namaha Shivaya - Shiva being the God of destruction. Destruction in that it is destroying everything that stands in the way of us seeing what is real. It is a mantra for transformation. Are you ready?

40 day sadhana begins tomorrow. Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions. I hope you will not only join me in sadhana but also that you will collaborate by sharing your thoughts and experience with all of us by leaving a comment.

Hari Om!!

Wanna play the upside down game?

I've been making a conscientious effort to turn life upside down whenever possible. Testing out the theory that there's always another perspective. It hasn't been easy at times but it's proven to be quite an interesting experiment. I wanted to share some of my insights in the hope that you may be inspired to participate in the experiment yourself.

The pity party for me was in full swing before I remembered the experiment. Several sleepless nights were spent tossing and turning feeling frustrated and angry. Thankfully this morning I remembered.

My car is having mechanical troubles and can't be driven causing such annoying inconveniences. Not having the money to make the repairs is even more frustrating.
Turning it upside down: I'm grateful that I am able to use Tayler's car and grateful that her boyfriend can give her a ride back and forth to school.

Our area has been hit really hard with record high snow accumulation. I was complaining that it's only the first week of February and I've already had to use several vacation days.
Turning it upside down: I'm grateful that I have vacation days. The part-time workers in our company don't get vacation days and they have lost several days pay because of the bad weather.

The snow/ice storm this week knocked out our power for 2 days. That means no Facebook, no candy crush, no Instagram, no TV and no video games. Oh... and no cooking (I hate my electric stove!)
Turning it upside down: This upside down moment came from Jake. He didn't mind the power outage because it meant more family time without distractions. I love that kid!

The power outage also meant no heat. With the temperatures in the teens we eventually ended up camping out at grandma's house. I felt bad that she was cooking for us and cleaning up after us and then had to go to work the night shift. I felt bad that the living room was turning into a slumber party and I hi-jacked my nephew’s bed.
Turning it upside down: Seeing the people on the news who had to go to emergency shelters because they didn’t have any place to go made me realize how lucky we are to have family to take us in.

When we finally came home we found that the storm caused a huge branch of our tree to break landing on our shed. The shed is destroyed. The backyard is a mess. The pool has a super thick layer of ice on it.
Turning it upside down: The fact that we have a shed means that we have an abundance of stuff. It’s hard to feel a sense of lack when you realize that some people don’t have anything and we have so much. We can not only fill our home but also a shed with all our stuff. Clearly the universe is telling us it’s time to cut down on the excess.

This upside down game is helping me see the many blessings in my life. Look at that.... There really is another perspective to everything!!