A householder's guide to Enlightenment

As soon as I opened that dusty old Rubbermaid tub, I knew I had fallen down the rabbit hole. I spent the next 3 days looking at old family photos.  The saying goes, "The days are long but the years are short". It feels like another lifetime and yesterday simultaneously. 

Those long days were so hard.  On a daily basis I would think to myself "damn women's lib!!"  All it did was make my life harder.  I was expected to work full-time AND raise children, AND keep house, AND volunteer at the kids’ school, AND be a good wife, friend, daughter.  On a daily basis I felt like I was juggling balls of fire and more often than not, dropping a few.  Most nights I'd go bed with that nagging feeling in my gut that I was failing.  The photos tell a different story.  

Life in those days was a three-ring circus but we did have fun.  It's always fun at the circus.  My kids grew up with chickens, and dogs, and parrots, and cats.  They always had lots of family around and friends.  We had great adventures and created all sorts of fun crafts.  The house was filled with Disney movies, and singing and lots of playing pretend with baby dolls, super heroes and Legos. There were books, crayons and markers everywhere and an almost constant sound of basketballs.  Riding bikes and climbing trees, trick-or-treating and sleep overs. 

There were also tears, and yelling; lots of yelling. Let's not forget the fighting.  "She's looking at me!!!" was a very common exclamation at our circus.  I missed the memo about the bake sale at school so I was the mom with the donut holes from the 7-Elven but I wasn't the only mom.   I forgot to wash the sleeping bag for daycare.... but I wasn't the only mom.  We were late to school; I was late to work.  There was an incident with a winter coat that landed ME in the principal’s office and eventually to the counselor's office.  (You can read about that on my post titled "My lowest motherhood moment").  

As my kids got older, the circus changed but there was still juggling.  There was still fun and fighting, laughter and tears.  Did I ever tell you about the time that my 12yr old fired the babysitter?  Yes, you read that correctly.  I'm not sure what I was more shocked about; the fact that my 12yr old fired the babysitter or the fact that the babysitter listened to her and went home.   We are quite a cast of characters. 

In those days, I would "go to Yoga" on Wednesday nights.  Most weeks I felt like I was holding my breath until Wednesday when I could breathe.  I would rush home from work, pick up the kids from after care and bring them home.  I'd give them a quick dinner and rush to yoga.  It was 1 hour, once a week that was just for me.  I didn't feel guilty about it at all.  Until, that is, parent-teacher conference with Tayler's kindergarten teacher.   That's when Mrs. Baker informed me that she felt I wasn't giving Tayler enough attention.  She came to that conclusion because Tayler told her that I don't study her alphabet with her.   You see, I was so good at studying that Tayler didn't realize our nightly game of alphabet bingo was actually studying.  When you have children, you live in constant fear about what is going to come out of their mouths.  If you ever need a good laugh, volunteer to be the class room mom in kindergarten. 

There's no doubt in my mind that Yoga made me a better mother.  Not only did yoga/meditation give me the tools I needed to stay calm and present but I believe that the benefits of my practice had a ripple effect on the children.  I remember one day; my son was having a meltdown.  It had been a rough day for all of us.  I could total relate to how he was feeling because I too was on the verge of a meltdown.  Instead, I sat on the floor next to him.  He screamed.... I practiced the Ujjayi breath.  The louder he screamed, the louder I'd make the breath sound.  In between his screams he would look at me; curious. Slowly, he began to match the rhythm of my breath.  Eventually, he crawled into my lap.  We both felt better after that.   

I remember daydreaming about the day I would have more time to practice.  I used to daydream about going to yoga retreats and immersing myself in the "Yoga lifestyle".   I so badly wanted to go to India.  I was convinced that I would never truly be a yogi if I didn't go to India.  I wasted so much time thinking that when my children grow up, I'll be able to "fulfill my dharma".  

 As the saying goes, the days are long but the years are short.  I've been studying and practicing for 27yrs.  I never did make it to India.  I've never gone on a yoga retreat.  I did however manage to take nearly 2,000 hours of yoga teacher training.  I've been blessed with many incredible yoga adventures.  I've met tons of amazing people along this yoga journey.   

I turned 50 this past August.  My children are all grown. No more chauffeuring kids, no more cheering from the bleachers, no more parent-teacher conferences.  I have more time.  This mid-life space is a really interesting space to be in.  I have more time to do all the things I've always dreamt about doing only to find that those things don't seem important anymore.   Looking through the photos, I realized that I've been living my dharma all along.  Raising kind, caring, compassionate, creative children is the most important practice in the world.  Fulfilling my duties as a householder was how I honored God every day.