For my lovely daughter, Amanda.....

Frustration! That's what I'm feeling.  Frustration that I can't find the words to verbally express myself freely.
Is it possible that some things can't be expressed in words?  Words are so limited.  For example, the word love.  Those of you who know me know that I love Doritos.  In my opinion that are the most perfect snack.
I also use this same word, love, to express how I feel about my children.  Obviously, my love for my children is not exactly the same love I feel for Doritos yet it's the same word we use.   I feel like there must be a better word but I can't figure out what that is.

In yoga terms, this difficulty I have with verbal expression is probably caused by a major blockage in my
Vishudhi chakra (throat chakra).   I actually feel a physical lump in my throat.  Whenever I feel like I want to say something I almost immediately feel a constriction in my throat.  I've been exploring this for quite some time.   Although, yoga has helped me a great deal, it has also created some internal conflict for me.  One of them being when my internal emotions/feelings are, shall we say, not very yogic in nature.  If we are getting in touch with our feelings and emotions and learning to trust them  shouldn't we be able to express them freely?  If so, what if these emotions are not loving and sweet and blissful? Does that make us a bad person?   

There is a lot of yoga babble that goes on about love.  Yogis are always talking about how they love everyone and how wonderful and blissful they always are.  I can't believe that these folks always feel love for everyone they encounter.  Are they really feeling love or are they ignoring their true feelings in an effort to be more yogic?

If yoga teaches me to connect with and trust my intuition, this inner wisdom and yet I'm suppose to love everyone all the time, there is sometimes a conflict. 

What if I don't love everyone I encounter?  What if my intuition is telling me that someone is not a good person.  I know I'm suppose to see the Divine in everyone but let's face it, there are people in this world who are not good people.  That's not a judgement that's really a fact.  How do I reconcile my intuition with the idea of loving everyone and seeing the good in everyone. 

As yogis,  we try to see these challenging people as teachers crossing our path as a means to teach us something about ourselves.  Okay, I've wrapped my mind around this concept but maybe the lesson is to trust your intuition and run the other way.   Is that possible? 

Do I have to love everyone in order to be a yogi?  I believe it was Neem Karoli Baba (an Indian Saint and Guru) who said "You can kick someone out of your home but not out of your heart".   Does that mean that it's okay to not like someone and not want to be around them as long as you are not causing them harm in your thoughts, words, or deeds?  I think it does.

 Perhaps that's the answer.  Even when we don't love someone we still need to act towards them in a manner that doesn't cause them any harm by our thoughts, words, or deeds.  In a way, that's loving them... isn't it? 

As for the cause of the blockage in my Vishudhi chakra, I have some theories about that but that will have to be another post.  For now, I'll work on trying to clear the blockage by practicing the dreaded shoulder stand more often and other asanas (yoga postures) that open the throat area and chest.  Chanting is also recommended for the throat chakra.  I'm thinking now of fish pose - It's a heart opening pose and also stretches the throat.  Supported fish pose is even more lovely.  Try it.  Lay on your back with the rolled up blanket or bolster under your chest so that the bottom of your should blades are at the edge of blanket. Raise your arms over your heard and rest them on the floor.  Breath into your heart and into your throat. Try to relax and soften with each exhale.  Remember that not all emotions and feelings need to be verbally expressed.  It's okay to acknowledge them and let them go.  Release any negativity with each exhalation.

Maybe yoga folks are referring to love in the way I refer to loving Doritos but I can assure you, when I say I love someone - I'm referring to a different love. A love that I can't seem to find a word that can adequately describes it.  I suppose I'm destined to be re-born a few more times because for now, I am trusting my intuition...... Call it judgement, call it discrimination.....As I continue to pray to Amma, the Divine Mother to help me to recognize the Divine in everyone and help me to learn how to love everyone.  I am inspired by her example of unconditional love.....