At first I thought the story began 10 months ago when I was attacked in Yoga-land. However, as I mentioned already, this is a true story and if I'm honest the story began many lifetimes ago. The "attack" was simply the trigger that sent me into the most recent spiral.
Three months into the COVID19 crisis I found myself terrified every time my kids went to work that they would contract this potentially deadly disease, and trying to adapt to a virtual life. Work, teaching, socializing all shifted to staring at a computer screen for most of my day.
Then June happened. My dog, Luna, who I love like my child was having trouble breathing. I was given 2 options 1) surgery that cost $8,000. (which might as well have been a million dollars) 2) Put her down. I was devastated. That was just the beginning. Thanks to the generosity of my family and friends I was able to pay for Luna's surgery. The day of her surgery we had some freak storm that literally lasted all of 5 minutes but caused thousands of dollars in damage. A huge tree in my backyard came down taking with it my fence and shed and lots of other things including the power lines.
That night I couldn't sleep. I didn't know if Luna would survive, I didn't know how I was going to re-pay everyone for the donations. My virtual life came to a screeching halt without electricity. Luckily, I was able to charge my phone in the car since I was waiting for an update on Luna. She wasn't doing as well as we had hoped after the surgery. At 2am I decided to check my emails to distract myself for a while.
It was at that moment, in the middle of this traumatic day that a "trauma informed" yoga teacher decided to attack me. You see, it was June 2020 and the United States was on fire. There was a deadly pandemic raging, there was political and civil unrest. It was in the middle of this traumatic moment in my life that I was told that I hadn't done my part for social justice. I was attacked for not being sensitive to the needs of people who have experienced trauma. It was also brought to my attention that I was contributing to the "cultural appropriation" of yoga.
At first, I tried to defend myself. Then I got angry and decided to back away from yoga, social media, and basically everything and everyone that wasn't required or my family. Then the downward spiral began to speed up. Self-doubt set in and I started to think maybe she was right. Maybe I am a terrible person. Maybe I am not good enough. Maybe I'm not doing enough. Maybe I am contributing to the suffering of others. Once the spiral of negative self talk gets going it's like a runaway train.
I defended myself over and over, I got angry, then I got to work. I needed to improve myself. I read books, watched videos, listened to podcasts. The more I learned the more confused I became. That's when it dawned on me. Maybe, just maybe, she was wrong. I'm not a terrible person. I am good enough. I am not contributing to the cultural appropriation of yoga. I do care deeply about social justice.
I will continue the practice of self-reflection and I will continue to work on self improvement. What I won't do anymore is defend myself or explain myself. I ask that you judge me on your own personal experience with me and not by the words of others.
I have one more thing to ask of you. Remember that everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Therefore, before you make the choice to verbally attack someone consider the possibility that your words may trigger that person back into self-destructive habits.
"Trauma informed" means to recognize that trauma comes in many forms and in order to truly offer "trauma informed yoga" means that you are kind, gentle, and compassionate with everyone. Before you make the choice to verbally attack someone ask yourself how would I speak to this person if I knew they were a victim of years of verbal abuse in the past?
The first rule of yoga is AHIMSA.... Do no harm.
