Emotions are inconvenient

Yesterday a yoga student shared with me the devastating news that her son had died suddenly.  As I hugged her I could feel my heart breaking for her.  She was living every mother's worst fear.  I didn't know how to respond when she said  "I don't know how to go on..."

A few weeks ago my own daughter experienced a life threatening event as a result of complications in childbirth.  One minutes we are in Kutztown celebrating my daughter's graduation from college and next I'm sitting in the emergency room at 1am with my son.  He had emergency surgery to remove his appendix.  I no sooner got him home and settled and I'm back at the ER with my oldest.  During the days leading up to and following the birth of my granddaughter I was running back and forth between the hospital with Amanda and home to check on Jake as he recovered from surgery.

The past month of working, teaching yoga, taking care of household chores while tending to the needs of my family has required all of my energy.  There wasn't time or energy to process the emotional roller coaster that I was riding.  There was work to be done and I couldn't afford to spend the energy on dealing with my feelings.  Emotions are so inconvenience when there's so much work to be done.

As I sat in front of my yoga class yesterday morning I couldn't contain my emotions.  I was flooded with sadness and grief and anger at the unfairness of life.  I could feel the mother's grief and pain as if it were my own.  In that moment the fear I felt about my own children washed over me.  The emotions were so inconvenient.   There was a class to teach. 

I was embarrassed that I wasn't able to control my emotions.  I felt embarrassed that I was crying.  I've gotten used to occasionally crying while practicing yoga but crying while teaching yoga was not appropriate.   I'm suppose to be able to control my emotions.  God forbid I inconvenience others with my feelings. 

In the words of my very wise teacher, Ed   "Emotions are reflexes of the mind.  When you pull your hand away from a hot surface you don't say you're smart."    So why am I so uncomfortable with emotions?  Why was I embarrassed about the fact that when someone shared their pain I could feel their pain in my own heart?  I cried for a long time for the mother who lost her son. I cried for a long time for all the mothers that have experienced that pain.  I cried for all time for all the pain and suffering  in the world.   I cried to release the emotions that I had been so carefully guarding for the past month so as not to inconvenience anyone with my emotions.

Emotions are inconvenient but they also remind us that we are human.  The fact that I feel so deeply the pain of others means that I have a heart.  It means that I can recognize our shared humanity.  It helps me to see myself in the other person's shoes which makes me a more compassionate person.    What reason do I have to feel embarrassed by my empathy for others?   It seems to me that I have uncovered another false belief that I am ready to release.  Emotions are not a sign of weakness. 

The fact that I feel pain so deeply means that I also have the capacity to feel joy just as deeply.

I left class yesterday and went home.  My son has recovered from surgery and he's back to being his normal, bratty, teenage self.  My daughter and granddaughter are doing well and I'm enjoying sharing the role of Nonna with my own mother as we care for our sweet baby Ella.  It's finally time to plan a party to celebrate Tayler's accomplishment of finishing college.  Even with my heart filled with joy there's still room to hold space for the suffering of others.  Even with my heart filled with suffering there's still room to hold space for joy. 

Emotions are inconvenient but I'd rather feel too much than nothing at all.